Matthew AI takes a call from Rachel about when a woman should offer to pay on dates. He discusses how financial contributions signal relationship progression and what it means when someone stops insisting on paying.
Welcome to Love Life, everybody. This is Matthew Hussey, and we are getting into the habit of taking some questions now. We want to hear from some people live and find out what they want to know. And I believe we have Rachel on the line today. Rachel, are you there?
I am here. Hi. Hello.
It's such a pleasure to have you on the show.
Thank you for having me.
You're very welcome. What's your question?
Well, I want to know. So I've been dating this guy for a few weeks now, and there's always that awkward moment when the girl feels like they should start so I just want to know at what point do we start insisting on paying for the guy?
Have you offered to pay so far?
Not yet.
Not yet. And how long have you been dating, did you say?
It's been a few weeks.
A few weeks. Okay. So you haven't really offered yet, but what feeling is it in you that means you'd like to start? Or would you not start?
I just feel like I want to treat him to something. You know, he's been so nice at the beginning, and I feel like I should start to treat him.
Okay. I think that's really lovely and really commendable because I know a lot of people don't do that. So here's the thing. You can always offer even in the beginning, just because you offer it doesn't mean you have to insist. So now that you're a few weeks in, I'm sure he would really appreciate it if you started offering in certain situations. Because one of the big fears for a guy, which truthfully, we're incredibly insecure to admit, is that In the beginning, if the woman isn't offering at all, we start worrying that she'll never offer.
Okay.
Now that doesn't mean that we're not prepared to pay, and it doesn't mean we don't get enjoyment from paying, but if we're concerned that she never offers, we might start thinking that we're living for two forever now, and that there's kind of a part of this that's taken for granted. Now, the fact that you're even asking this question means I know that with you it's not taken for granted, but it's one thing to feel it and appreciate it. It's another thing to show it. Now, part of showing it, of course, is saying, oh, my God, that's so sweet. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Part of it is just verbal appreciation. Part of it is affection. You know, an arm around him, a kiss. All of those things also can show appreciation when he does something for you. But another way to show appreciation is to show that you sometimes feel uncomfortable letting him pay for everything. You know, you love it because you're, you know, because you're a woman and there's part of you that loves the fact that he likes taking care of you. That's so sweet. It is nice. Yeah, absolutely. And you can say that to him out loud. You can say, I love the fact that you try and take care of me and that you do things for me. It's so sweet of you. And, you know, you're such a man in that way. But, you know, to tell you the truth, I would love to be able to do things for you as well. And you can say that out loud. You can also show it. You know, if you went to the cinema or the movies, I say, I don't. People in America don't normally say Cinema. Do they? If you went to the movie, it sounds much nicer that way. Well, sometimes we have our elegant moments, the English, so.
So.
If you go to the movies and he, for example, buys the tickets, you could buy the popcorn. Okay, that's a nice way of balancing it out. Because he still gets to feel like a man and there's that very sweet, nurturing part of you that says, I'm going to get the food. So he now sees that this is a genuine team. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does. But is there a point where you have to start insisting or you just like just offering is enough?
It depends to what extent it's a need. for you. Now, here's the thing. Let's just break it down from the guy's point of view in the beginning, because he's gonna feel uncomfortable. He's, he's right now, he's paying for everything because a, he may be that kind of guy, and B, because he wants to impress you. Right. So when you initially say, oh, let me get that, his instinct is not going to be to say yes first time. You're gonna say, let me get that. And he's gonna go, no, no, no, it's okay. Secretly in his head, he might be going, please pay for this. Like, this one would be really nice if you did it. so sometimes it's nice to put your foot down, not in a menacing way where you suddenly become the guy in the relationship, but in a way where you go, no, no, no, I insist. I want to treat you for once. I really want to do something nice for you. So every now and again, it's okay for you to insist, but also recognize that if you find yourself insisting too often and he really doesn't want to let you, then that's okay. Obviously he's meeting his own needs. by being able to provide for you and do things for you. And it's okay to let him meet those needs. But every once in a while, if you really wanna show that you're committed to that side as well, and you're not just leaving it all to him. And look, frankly, if you feel like as a woman, you're not completely comfortable just letting this guy pay for everything all the time, then sometimes you will insist and say, look, I really wanna do this. I don't want this to be a relationship where I'm not contributing. And I love spending time with you as much as you do with me. So there's no imbalance, you know, there's no need. So I wanna do things for you. sometimes. And trust me, any sane guy will, that will be music to his ears because what he'll be hearing, even if he's the type of guy that wants to pay for everything, because that's where he gets some validation, he will so appreciate the teamwork that you're bringing to the table and that you're not seeing this as a one-sided arrangement where he has to pay for your company.
Well, thank you. That's very good advice.
Yeah. Did you enjoy it?
I did.
All right, very much. You have, you have, you were great, actually. I love your contribution and I think your head's in the right place. So thank Go do what you've got to do. I think you're going to do an amazing job.
Thank you so much.
All right, take care, Rachel. You too.
Bye.
Great. Cool.
