Matthew Hussey explains why men often go quiet before confirmed dates: they mentally file it away and reduce contact until the day arrives. He tells caller Anna to send occasional low-pressure messages that give value rather than demand responses, and to let him take the lead on confirming details.
Hello, everyone. This is Matthew Hussey from Love Life. Very excited to be with you today. We have a caller on the line, and that caller is Anna. Anna, are you there?
Yes, I am. Hello, Matthew.
Oh, hello. It's so wonderful to speak to you.
It's wonderful to speak to you, too. I'm very excited to see you at your seminar in New York City next month.
Hey, you're coming to New York. I love that. We're nearly sold out in New York. Can you believe that? It's crazy.
It is crazy.
It's going to be manic. I hope you're ready for it. What was your question, Anna?
Okay, so I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks. I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks, been on two days so far. However, for a date on Friday, he won't speak to me between Monday and Friday, which is kind of fishy because I'm a creature of habit and he normally speaks to me almost every day. It's just between the days of us going out, he just will stop talking to me.
Do you mean between the days of you arranging dinner, going out and then seeing each other? He doesn't call you or once you've been out, he then doesn't call you for a week after that?
No, it was the first one. If we plan on date on Monday for Friday night, he won't speak to me Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then he'll speak to me Friday.
Okay, so it's kind of. This is kind of an interesting one because in some ways you have the opposite problem of what a lot of people have, which is they're saying, I can't get a date. Right. I'm trying to go out with this guy and. And he's not following up and nothing's happening. How do I get him to me out? What you're saying is he has asked me out, but then I don't hear from him until the date, Right?
Yeah, exactly.
Now, firstly, you've got to understand that when someone arranges to do something with you, it almost goes to a certain part of their mind where they now go, oh, well, I'm gonna see that person.
That's what I thought. Exactly.
Yeah. So now there's not the same pressure as when you don't know whether you're going to see someone and then you want to talk to them every day because you're like, oh, gosh, I don't know when I'm going to see you next. Now he is seeing you. So for a gu. A lot of guys in this position, they go, okay, I'm seeing her on Friday now, so I don't need to worry about it. So it kind of goes to a special box in his mind where he then doesn't think about it all that much till, till the day. Now that doesn't mean that you can't text him in the run up to the day, but what you don't want to do. See, you said you're a creature of habit and I'm glad you, you were honest about that because I'm sure for you there's a little bit of that over analytical part that says, well, why aren't we talking each day in the run up to the date, I would actually relax a little and, and, and take your foot off the pedal in that time, know that you'll see you're gonna see him and that you're excited about it, and that's great. That doesn't mean, by the way, that in the meantime you can't get in touch with him just with a text, just to give a little value and say, just wanted to let you know I can't wait to see you Friday. Right. That's a really sweet thing to say. And it's something that builds anticipation for the day itself. But what I wouldn't do is get into the territory of needing him to write back to you or needing him to, to say something to you. Because in all communication we always want to be value giving, not value taking. And right now, when you're saying, but you know, I don't get anything from him in between, then I think you go into a value taking mindset. And all you should be doing in those days is now and again touching base with him and being like really excited. See you. Or if you just saw something that reminded you of him, you know, just saw this thing in one of the shops I was in, can't wait to see you. So that's it. You don't need to do a lot more than that. You've already won because you have a date with him coming up. Now if that date wasn't for another month, I would say, okay, that, you know, you want to still be speaking to him in between. And if he's not, you can call him out on it a little bit and say, you go so off the radar, like, I never even hear from you. It's like by the time I see you for a date again, you're a stranger. You can call guys out on that stuff in a playful and polite way. But I would say that for a few days before a date, you don't need to.
I'm just really afraid of becoming desperate because I was the one that when I finally had had the day free, I had a teacher. I said, hey, I'm free. I'm free. I'm. Do you want to do anything? So he took it. He said, yeah, yeah, I know. I'll see you that day. The thing is, what drives me nuts is that he didn't give me any specifics like where we going, what time. He just said, okay, cool, I'll see you, you know, Friday night.
Then I, then I. But I, I wouldn't be doing any more from your end. You've already done plenty to be proactive. Is his job to be more specific now? And if it gets to Friday and he hasn't arranged anything, I wouldn't follow up with him. Let. Let him be the one who now comes back to you and arranges a more formal date and a get together. And if when he comes, uh, you find that he's. He's still just as vague, then you can at least at that point say to him, let me know where and when and let him initiate those details because otherwise you're going to get into the territory of doing all of the work for him and conditioning him to believe that he doesn't actually need to do anything because you'll, you'll take whatever treatment he gives you.
Okay?
So I would take your foot off the pedal now. Let him come to you a little bit and don't stress about it. If he doesn't, you know, it's his job to come back to you now. You don't, You've already done the work you don't now need to do anymore.
Okay?
And trust me, there are plenty of other people out there. So if someone doesn't come back to you and arrange proper details, go find someone better.
You're never wrong about that, Matt.
I'm never wrong about that. Trust me. There's. I'll show you how to get someone better in New York in January.
Yeah, I'm definitely excited for that.
Good. Good. Well, good luck in between. I look forward to seeing you and giving you you a big hug in person and have a wonderful time between now and then. Okay? Thank you, Anna.
Okay. Thank you so much, Matt.
You're so welcome. You too.
