Why So Many Are Struggling in Love

What.

Is up, YouTube? Welcome back to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey and Audrey Hussey, who is sat opposite me. Before we get into the show, what are you doing on May the 4th this year? Can I tell you, you're joining me for an event I am doing called Find youd Person. This is going to be a live coaching event with people from all over the world. It's virtual. Anyone can come. There is only one way to get a ticket to this event. You can't buy your way onto this event. The only way to get access is to grab a physical copy of my new book, Love Life: How to Raise youe Standards, Find youd Person, and Live Happily no Matter What. In addition to that event, when you get a book, you're also going to be entered into this is brand new, a giveaway that we are are doing for book buyers that includes many different prizes. We're giving away live retreat places for my event in Florida this year, where we'll spend six days together transforming your life, doing deep healing, working on your emotional patterns, helping your confidence, and helping you move towards the key things you want in this next chapter of your life. We're also giving away one-on-ones with me. If you've ever wanted a private coaching session with me, you could be the lucky winner of that prize when you get a copy of the book. We're giving away Love Life sweaters. Many of you have seen me in the Love Life sweater in our recent events. Many of you have said, Where can I get one? Well, we don't have them for sale because we've never done merch as a company. But we do have some that we're giving away to buyers of the book. So that is the only way to get one right now. And we've got some smaller prizes as well. All of this is over at www.lovelifobook.com and there's even a couple more bonuses that everyone gets, whether you're a winner or not, everyone gets these extra bonuses. You'll find out all of these things on www.lovelifobook.com, but buy a book now so that you can join us on May 4th, get the extra bonuses and be entered into that giveaway that we are doing with all of these really incredible prizes. Go to lovelifebook.com to get yours now, and let's get to the episode. Well, hello everyone. I hope you're having a lovely day out there. I hope everyone's happy. And if you're not happy, and if you're struggling, then I am at least grateful that you are here with us. So welcome. Audrey, you brought a topic today that you thought would be great for everyone out there. And I think when you told it to me, I was like, oh, I think everyone's gonna be grateful that we're talking about this. So what did you wanna talk about today?

Yeah, so I wanted to talk about this phenomenon that a lot of people are coming to us with when it comes to finding love and dating. in 2024. And that is the phenomenon and the feeling that nobody wants to commit. And that leading to a chronic fear of coming on too strong in dating, not knowing how to calibrate our interests, being self-conscious about expressing our feelings and how we feel about people. And, you know, generally that feeling that so many people have, and I know that like I had it when I was single, all my girlfriends who are still single now or when they were single also had experiences of this. So this feeling, I think, is just such a common one, which is kind of like, you know, a lot of the advice that sometimes we share is almost speaking to having these very honest conversations, very upfront, you know, kind of like hard conversations where we express our standards, where we encourage people to open up and to be more vulnerable and all of these things. But how do we even get people there? Because that whole bit before somebody is even willing to commit to us or open up or, you know, even have enough of a dialogue and a back and forth with us that we feel like we're part of their lives in a meaningful way. That kind of that part in the beginning is the really, really hard part for so many people. And I just want to talk to you about it because I think that you're going to have so many great insights. And what happens, which is another side of it, which I also want to talk about, what ends up happening for people is that they then are paralyzed in the way that they approach people in dating. And they go, if I put myself forward, if I show my interests, if I kind of express that I'm into someone, if I don't play it cool and don't constantly act like I'm not bothered and aloof, then I will come on too strong and I will lose my power in dating. And of course, what happens with that is that people then never really end up getting there with someone, right? Because then they're not really showing themselves. And the other thing that happens, which I also want to talk about, is it makes you pray to avoidant people. It makes you the perfect target for avoidant people. So it's a big subject. I'm kind of brain dumping it onto you, but I just, I really want your thoughts on how to combat that fear of coming across too strong, how to calibrate who you are in early dating. so that you can even get to a place where having the conversation of what are we or feeling close to someone is possible.

If we want to attract an authentic, healthy relationship, then we have to be an authentic version of ourselves, which means bringing forward our actual wants, and desires, not hiding them. Because when we're not, when we don't want to be vulnerable or when we don't want to make ourselves vulnerable, we hide the things we want or the things we desire. Because if we want something and we make it known, then we can get rejected.

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's the fear of rejection. Yeah, it's exact. That's exactly how people feel. It's, it's this feeling of, like, I'm not even going to be open about the fact that I want love. I'm not even going to admit that I'm looking for a relationship, that I'm looking for love, because my value will go down. I will be perceived as desperate, and I will be rejected by the people I want. Instead, I'm going to play a game. I'm going to be cool. I'm going to pretend I have no needs.

You've talked about this for a while now, this idea of people feeling shame around their wants and their needs in their love life, the shame that so many people feel even in wanting to find love. And, you know, I had a coaching session with someone recently where they were asking me for help on their love life, but simultaneously talking about how they don't want to do what their friends are doing. Their friends are all on dating apps, and they're, like, playing the numbers game, and they're getting out there and doing this and dating and this, and she was Kind of basically saying like, none of that's for her. But when I asked her what she really wants, it boiled down to it didn't, it wasn't the first answer, but when we really boiled it down, what she wants is to find love. But there was a kind of inherent, not that it was in any way done in an intentional or malicious way, but there was an inherent kind of shaming of her friends. about them going out there and putting themselves out there, because going on a dating app is, it's not, I'm not an evangelist for the dating apps by any stretch. Anyone who follows us knows that. But putting yourself on a dating app is a brave act. It's vulnerable. And I don't think anyone should be shamed for going on any platform or medium to go and find love, because at the core of it is just a very human thing of we want to find love like that. We, we get so caught up in talking about dating and dating itself is like a. I don't know. It's there's something about that word that is almost can carry just a negative connotation on its own. Because a lot, maybe even most of the people who really want to find love aren't that excited about dating. You know, it's like being excited about being healthy, but then hearing the word gym. And the interesting thing is you don't, there are, you know, a hundred different ways to be healthy, right? There are a hundred different activities you could do, different ways you can move your body, different ways you can eat well, and it, they all lead to health. But health is the thing that we really want. It's not like we crave going to the gym. Some people might, more often than not, I don't. And I think it's the same in our dating lives, is that we want to, we really, all of us, who doesn't want to find love? We all want to find love, whatever that means to us.

I want to just pause there, because what you've just said is, I think, potentially the most important thing that we could be saying on this subject, which is everyone wants to find love. Even people who are playing around, sleeping around, doing all these things, the seemingly emotionally unavailable people of this world, deep down, what they're seeking is a connection, a validation, a need to feel at home and at peace and connected to someone. They may be not far along in the development to realize that's what they're searching for, but that is what they're searching for. and I'm not saying that you can only find inner peace through a relationship because I know that's not true. I believe friendships and family relationships and, you know, relationships we can create within ourselves can be just as powerful. But, and there is about what you just said, that intrinsic, very human, very normal and natural need and desire to find love and companionship. It's in all of us. It's in all of us in some way, shape or form. And like you say, the idea of shaming ourselves or feeling shamed for wanting that is ludicrous. It's like being shamed for being hungry. It really is like being shamed for wanting water and food and sunlight and air. And it's love and connection and acceptance is just as rudimentary and fundamental in terms of our human needs as those things.

When you're saying, I want a long-term relationship, especially when what you want is a really healthy long-term relationship, it's shaming yourself for that is like shaming yourself for wanting to eat healthily. It's not just shaming yourself for being hungry. It's shaming yourself for setting your sights on a healthy diet.

Yeah.

Instead of like, you're like shaming yourself because you're not, you don't want ice cream or you don't want cheeseburgers or.

So true.

While everyone else is like, because they're, because again, we're all trying to eat, right? That's the, the sustenance equivalent. of looking for love. We're all trying to eat.

We're trying to survive by eating something.

And some people are eating ice cream and others are eating cheeseburgers and others are, you know, eating steamed fish and others like we're all. And that's not me. You know me. I'm not having a go at ice cream or cheeseburgers for that matter.

But you can't live on ice cream.

Unfortunately, you can't.

I would hate to be described as steamed, a steamed fish version of dating.

I knew when I said. I knew. When I said steamed fish, it was the wrong example, 'cause it wouldn't excite you.

Yeah, I don't think it excites many people when you peg it against ice cream, but continue.

Yeah, it's true. You always have to, you'd have to have steamed fish before ice cream.

Yeah, that would have to be the first part.

You can't ever follow ice cream with steamed fish. I, everyone out there who's hooking up, playing around in short-term flings or whatever, that's just their version of, as you say, seeking some form of connection. Why shame yourself for seeking what is a really profound form of connection if you're looking for a long-term relationship and healthy love? And it was interesting when I was coaching this person because she was kind of in, in, I think, unconsciously and without meaning to shaming her friends for the way they were going about finding love, which is the same as the thing she wanted when it came down to it. Because when I really pushed her for an answer, she said, well, yeah, it was interesting. Even in her answer, she was like, well, yeah, I guess I must be looking for love.

Right.

Even that was hard to say. And what's clear is that her shaming of her friends is really a shaming of herself.

Right?

It's, she was shaming herself for her desire to find that thing.

And- what does that shame come from, do you think, for people? Do you think it's because society shames us and we're trying to almost keep with the current of what we think is gonna make us the most desirable and accepted and whatever, or do you think it's something else?

Well, I think it's a couple of things. Yeah, I think society you know, is really good at pointing out perceived desperation. You know, we don't look at someone who is feeling scared that they're not going to find love or in the anguish of feeling lonely and unpartnered. We don't look at them and go, wow, there's a real, a core need in their life that's not being met. society says, oh, they're so desperate. I know.

Why is that? I, I think that's so interesting. Why is that? If you operate on the basis, which I think most people listening will agree that Desiring love and, like I say, just connect connection and, and kind of acceptance is just a very normal thing. And it's, it's like one, it's like being hungry. It's like, you know, why is it shamed so much? Why is it so different?

I don't. Maybe there's some historical element to that. That.

Do you know what I think?

To be. It was a. You were an outcast in society. If you hadn't met someone by a certain point or if you are getting divorced and you're now, you know, there was a point in time where you were very much. you know, an outcast of society if you, if you either didn't never got married or if you got divorced. So maybe there's a hangover to that idea of you being an outsider to the norm or to what you should have been, and therefore there's something wrong with you. It also might come from just a lack of empathy that societally we apply to people, a lack of compassion in just judging the behaviors of a person, not seeing that there's something behind those behaviors. You know, someone sends us four messages in a row and we show our friends and we're like, oh, God, can you believe this? They've sent me four messages in a row. and we judge the behavior. That's desperate behavior. But we don't look behind it and go, wow, this person is feeling really unsafe right now. Like, behind these four texts in a row is someone who feels really unsafe. And, you know, there's a real unmet need there. that they're trying to get from me that is a need they're not able to meet themselves or have never learned to be able to meet for themselves. And they're in pain. And that's why I'm getting four messages that takes a lot of EQ for society as a whole to arrive at, to not judge another person simply on their behaviors, but to understand what's, what pain what unmet need is behind those behaviors. And then I think on top of that, there's a bit of like a projection. You know, we, there's a kind of, we don't want to be the shame for the desperate one, 'cause we judge ourselves in those ways.

Yeah.

And so it's easy to point the finger and look at you and go, oh my God, look at I, you know, I thought what I did yesterday was bad, but look what they're doing over there. They're really desperate. I just, you know, I did this, but it's not as bad as what they're doing. God, they're a hopeless case. There's that kind of Jerry Springer effect of watching the TV and going, Look how awful their lives are. Mind's a Springer. You know, I just think there's a little bit of that going on.

Because especially because that empathy you talk about, I think is more-- you find it more in people who have found love, where they're like, oh, I really want my friend to find love. And more like when you're single, you're like, my friend is so desperate to find love.

And we hate that most people have contempt for that quality in themselves. So when they see it in other people, you know, we really judge harshly things in other people that we have contempt for in ourselves.

Of course, yeah.

So it's disgusting. It reminds us of some part of ourselves that we think is ugly that we've tried to hide. so we then, you know, attack it in other people. I, when I know in my life, when I come across guys who contain some element of something that I've tried to suppress in myself or something that I don't like in myself, that those are the, those tend to be the times where I have particular disdain for those people. So I think that we would, anytime we're hating on other people's desperation or their, the way they go about dating, there's also a bit of an element of how the thing we're afraid of ever being ourselves, because we haven't ever integrated that part of ourselves that needs and wants and really wants to find love. All of this is to say that, you know, when we come from this place of thinking that it's ugly to have a need in this area, It shuts us down and it stops us from really being vulnerable because the last thing we want is to be perceived as desperate, to see ourselves as desperate, to be rejected, to put ourselves out there and to then be rejected and feel even more desperate and unworthy, to be made a fool of. You know, some people's greatest fear is that I'm going to be made a fool of here. I'm going to embarrass myself. I'm going to put myself out there. out there and learn that they don't feel the same. And I realize looking back on my life, what is really clear to me is how my approach to finding love throughout my life really lacked vulnerability. It's almost like I would wait for massive confirmation that someone liked me. before really putting myself out there, because the worst thing was to try harder than someone else.

I relate to that.

Yeah.

And, and I can, I can look at a lot of times in business. Most, I think most of my life, I've operated the same way in business when it comes to partnering with other people or when it comes to, like, making social connections in business and so on. I think that I led a very introverted life for a long time because it was always safe for me to make a connection when I learned someone already liked my work and was a fan. And then I would connect with them. But I would never put myself in situations where I was the one doing the reaching out and I was the one who was putting myself forward. because it ran the risk of someone going, who are you? I don't care.

I think there is a very brittle construct of the self that we have. And it's almost like the foundation from which we operate, right? The way we perceive ourselves, our identity, we build it around these. It's a bit of a house of cards. We're like, I am this kind of person, and I am this kind of person, and we. as long as we protect that identity and we protect it from the outside world, essentially, we get to exist in this world where we believe we are all those things. So for you, for instance, I bet that introversion in business and in love came with a massive confidence, a quiet confidence of like, I'm amazing, but also deep down a fear that you're not actually, because if someone was to say, No, actually, I don't want to work with you. It would throw into question this entire identity you've created for yourself.

Yeah, it's actually very brittle.

Very brittle. It's perceived as almost egoic and almost overconfident. And people really relate to this. They'll go, I don't understand because I literally swing from feeling a deep sense of unworthiness to thinking I'm the best thing in the world. People feel that all the time. It's really common. And that's because I think there is a construct that's been something that's been created within ourselves that serves as a protection and a defense mechanism. And if we're not careful, it can actually dictate our lives and it can direct where we do or don't take risks and what we do with ourselves. Because if we can just stay in those parameters. We're safe.

Yeah.

We feel like we're safe. I don't think it's as simple as like a lack of bravery, a lack of confidence, a lack of self-esteem. I think oftentimes it's baked into. And this doesn't have to be like, you know, deep childhood abuse or anything like that, but it will be baked into a belief system about ourselves. that predates what's going on right now. That's basically you're unworthy, you're not good enough, you're going to get found out for not being good enough, or no one is going to like you if you're truly yourself. And so we build this castle of cards around ourselves to protect what is at the core a very, very vulnerable view of ourselves.

If you are enjoying this episode, and why wouldn't you, I think it's a great episode, you will also enjoy the one hour training that I have got for you called Dating With Results. We have had over half a million people now take this free training and you can too. So go over to datingwithresults.com and schedule a time to watch it today. If you are taking love seriously and you want to find your person, This is a foundational hour that you cannot miss. Go to datingwithresults.com and watch it today. And now let's get back to the episode. There's something inherently flawed about the idea of trying to be good enough in the first place, right? Because it takes our intentionality away from the desire to just connect with another human being. and turns it onto needing another human being to validate how good we are. And if we need another human being to validate how good we are or how special we are, then we're deathly afraid of a human being coming along and telling us otherwise, because that house of cards will fall down. People think that these are the issues of people who are struggling. It's also the, you know, people who struggle with options, but it actually is a condition that everyone faces. You can have the people that have built their image around being the best looking people are often the people that are most afraid to take risks.

A hundred percent.

Because their whole thing, their whole identity, their value is built around this idea that I am incredibly desirable. So if you've built your self-esteem on the idea that you're incredibly desirable and then you go and approach someone and get rejected, it's. It's like an existential problem.

Yeah, of course.

So you and I have both been in rooms where there is, like, the most famous person in the room, where everyone else is, like, just. fairly regular human being. And then there'll be like a person in the room who's the most famous person. And sometimes by a long way. And it's amazing to see that so often the most famous person in the room is the person hanging back the most. letting everyone, waiting for everyone to come to them. There's like, you know, I've watched them isolate themselves in, like, a little circle of people where they don't interact with the room in a normal way. And part of that, that's not that this isn't, like, because they're famous and it's hard for them to talk to. It's. No, because this is a room where they're safe. This is not, like, just in the middle of a mall somewhere. They're in a room where they're. it's just a safe social setting and they could just behave like a normal person. But they're choosing to be very invulnerable and very guarded where they don't talk to people. And so much of that for so many of them is because their image is built around their self-worth is built around their status. and they're protecting their status by not just going over to people and introducing themselves in the way that everyone else is.

Yeah, that's so true.

And it's like, no, no, no. My status needs people to come to me. I can't go over to other people, you know, especially if that other person then doesn't recognize me or doesn't care who I am. That invalidates this status I've built. for myself. So it's.

It.

No one gets off scot free here. What's the answer to this? Well, I think that we have to look at what's the source of our power. Because if the source of our power.

Is.

Maintaining this image I have of myself, then we won't do anything. If the source of our power is the energy I want to put into the world, and I want to go and my power is my ability to reach out or my ability to connect, then we go looking for connection. We don't go looking for validation.

Wow.

I even think about that now. with this, this new book. Because anytime I feel anxious, it's because I've stepped into a realm where I need to know it all and I need everyone to validate that, you know, how great the ideas are or so on. But if I'm, if I go, if that's, if the source of my power is how much I know, well, then if I met with a stronger presence in terms of what someone else knows, then my confidence disintegrates. But if the source of my power is this excitement I have to begin a conversation, you know, if this book is a way to begin a conversation about something that really matters to me and I'm open to where that conversation goes. All of a sudden, there's kind of no, that's a fearless place to be. Because I'm like, oh, I'm just beginning a conversation and I'm excited to see where that conversation takes me and for us to build on it together. What is the source, when you are looking for love, what is the source of your power? Is it never being rejected and showing that, like having that as a badge of honour that no one ever rejects you? Is it how cool and indifferent you are? Is it how attractive you are to everyone? Or is the source of your power, the intent that you have to form meaningful connections in the world? wherever you find them, you will do very different things depending on where the source of your power is coming from. And I think so many people either hold back or get their confidence obliterated by trying because they've rooted the source of their power in something that ultimately either limits them, makes them incredibly guarded and unable to be vulnerable, or makes them incredibly fragile. when any form of rejection appears.

I love everything you just said so much. I wanna like, we need to somehow like bottle what you just set up because that was amazing. There's two things I wanna say and two things I wanna ask you about. The first one is, you know, I think what people might be feeling when we're talking about this is that's fine because I used to be like the cool and indifferent person that used to be me. And it came from a place of not wanting to be rejected. And also from a place of the more cool and indifferent I was, the more people seemed to chase me because I was cool and indifferent.

Do you remember the night we met? I made a comment to you that- I can't remember. I can't remember if it affected you at the time or it affected you later. But do you remember you made a comment to me?

Oh, the skin in the game comment. I do remember this. No, it affected me at the time. I told you I was like, wow.

What was it you said? This was like, so this was like three, two hours into me and Audrey meeting. We were having a conversation and you were a little cool, like, not like too cool, but you were a little like, you were able to be very chill. And I can't remember what you said, but you were like, I don't really mind blah, blah, blah, something.

I can't remember what I said.

And I was like, I think I said, that's because you have no skin in the game right now.

Yeah.

But that's, that was, that was me all over all the time. And that's, yeah, I remember that. And I think that for me, that came from, it came from a lack of trust within myself that if I actually opened myself up, I wouldn't trust myself to be in control of how I came across and who I was. And then they would just see this mush and then they would go yuck and then I would disintegrate. My house of cards would fall down because the core of me would have got rejected. So I think that's where it came from for me, which is really funny. I can't believe I can't. Yeah, I'd forgotten about that. Like, I did find that the cooler.

I was.

The more people chased me, that is what happened. Because the economics of value would happen, right? People would go, oh my God, she's so cool and aloof and I'm so great, she must have something amazing about her. That's what people think. So it worked, in a sense, it worked. I mean, I think it just attracts avoidant people, but it worked in terms of the very, the immediate thing you're trying to do. And so if you're dating in an unconscious way, in a way where you're just trying to satiate your ego and just trying to make yourself feel validated, It works, right? But what people will say is, you know, especially women, they'll say, Yes, but if I really put myself out there, if I'm open and candid about my feelings and blah, blah, blah, that's going to drive people away. And they're not wrong. They're not wrong. You know, I think there is this perception of, as a woman, you have to really calibrate how you're coming across. And men get to love bomb and tell you they love you on the second date. And we're like, It's so romantic. Women did that, it would be like, you,'re crazy. I'm blocking her. She's insane. So there is an imbalance. And I just wonder, in your opinion, like, I agree with everything you've said. And I agree you have to, in order to attract a healthy kind of love, you have to be a healthy person who does not approach things in any kind of, you know, just brings themselves to the table in an authentic way. You have to. Otherwise, how do you like, how do you expect to attract an authentic connection? But that's really, really hard in practice out there. And you will turn people off doing that. So what do you say to people in terms of like, they'll go, okay, I'm ready. This conversation has really pumped me up. I'm gonna get out there. I'm gonna do that. But wait, it's not working. I'm getting this, you know, like, yeah, what do you say to that?

Well, The calibration of it comes in how much you turn on or off the tap. It doesn't come, it doesn't, the calibration isn't changing what comes out of the tap. Imagine a honey tap. Okay. Tap that just anytime you turn it on, just this incredible delicious honey comes out. You don't change what comes out of the tap. You know, it doesn't, you don't turn like what comes out of the tap into this bitter, horrible tasting thing that's undrinkable or Bland. You turn on the tap, honey comes out. It's delicious. Who doesn't want honey? A ridiculous person. But you control the tap. And that's how you control your energy. That's how you have boundaries depending on what someone is giving you. That's how you respond to what someone is the level of investment someone's giving you. It's also just on a less negative note, it's also just how you control what is appropriate to give someone at what time? It's not appropriate in the first week of knowing someone to just have the tap turned on all the way like a fire hydrant or like a fire hose. You know, it's not you don't you don't go, I really want to find love, so I'm going to point this honey hose This is really going somewhere.

This.

Fire hose of honey, I'm just going to point it at someone and turn it on all the way because I really want to find love. That's not authenticity. That's having no standards. That's saying, I'm going to give someone what they don't deserve yet. They haven't proven themselves even necessarily, like I can trust them enough to give them this much of my life, my energy, my time, my feelings, my, you know, I'm just doing that without discrimination because I am really in need of this. That's where the problems start. So you have to control the tap based on the stage you're at with someone. Have you known them for five minutes or five months? the level of investment on their part, the extent to which trust is being built and consistency is being felt in the relationship. And, and so you start to turn it on more often or more consistently in response. It's that tap is responsive. It's not just on, and that's also how you stop your you know, your source being taken advantage of that honey well. Oh, God, there's this honey metaphor is going. It's really going deep now.

You're making me hungry.

Honey well, honey tap, honey hoes. But, like, imagine that that's a well, and that well is something you have to protect because it's, you know, it's not endless at any given time in your life. It's why people.

These bees are working hard to create that honey.

Exactly.

A lot of bees working very hard.

Yeah, you can't just have someone come and like just run the source dry just because you really want love or just because they are really good at taking. That's why you control that tap. And I think if you understand that, it does a couple of things. It allows you to manage your energy. The reason people get burnt out is is usually because they did not, they were indiscriminate with the way they left that tap on. It was not responsive. Or the tap was responsive to their desire to find love. It wasn't responsive to what someone was giving them. And so they just had it turned on. And then six months or a year later, they're like, I'm never dating again because I got so taken advantage of. But the reason Someone can take advantage of us to the extent that we feel afraid. Anyone can take advantage of you for a week. Anyone can take advantage of you for a month or a couple of months. But for someone to consistently take advantage of us, we have to have an unresponsive tap.

Yeah, we have to be letting them.

Yeah, the tap's just turned on no matter what. Because I really want to find love, not because I'm paying attention. to what's in front of me.

Yeah.

So the reason people burn out in dating is because they are not managing the tap. And then when people burn out in dating or when they get hurt so badly that they become afraid and close up, when they do turn the tap on, it's, like, tinged with something bitter. It's tinged with something that doesn't taste good.

It was like honey made out of Stevia, fake honey.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

And then people, people don't really get your true essence anymore. What people are tasting at that point is not really you. It's some diluted, watered down, slightly bitter version of you that you're doling out going, when someone proves themselves safe completely and utterly and gives and gives and gives to me. And I feel like I'm completely in the driver's seat. Then they'll, I'll start to really give them the good stuff. But no one wants to work that hard and it's no one's job to work that hard. So you can't say three months in, you'll, you'll get the good stuff. you kind of have to say, on date one, you get the good stuff, but you get an amount of it that is appropriate for a first date. So the stuff that comes out of the tap is always golden, but you decide how much to give. And that I truly believe that changes the game because the essence of this is this. We are terrified of being hurt or of being taken advantage of or of someone breaking our trust. Because first, we don't trust other people with our feelings, with our desires, with our heart. And sometimes, by the way, we're right about that, right? We're not always wrong about that. Sometimes we don't trust people and we shouldn't trust those people. because not everyone out there in life is trustworthy. But we don't trust other people, but most importantly, we don't trust ourselves. We don't trust ourselves to be okay if someone betrays us or if they withdraw love. We don't trust ourselves to get out once we're too far in. because what we've learned in the past is that if someone gets under our skin, we'll let them take everything. And so the goal becomes, don't let them get under my skin because I can't trust myself when someone gets under my skin. So now everything we. We do in our lives is all in our love lives is always skin deep because I can't trust me once you get there to that level.

So.

This idea of being in control of the tap is really important because it teaches us that we have agency, that no one can take advantage of us for very long. By the way, to also understand that it's okay early on if you get it wrong and someone takes more than they give. that that's like a cost of doing business. It's like a generosity tax. It's like a healthy love tax. It's like a healthy connection tax that if you want to make authentic friends and generate true friendships, let's take it outside the love life realm for a moment. If you want to generate true friendships, you have to go into relationships as a giver. You can't go in as a taker. No one will be your friend. The most genuine people won't even see you because you won't have the energy that attracts them in the first place. So if you want genuine friendships, you have to go in as a giver. And the cost of doing business on that level, the tax on finding genuine friends, is that you will leak some energy to people who don't turn out to be genuine friends. But you'll never leak enough for it to be fatal. to you or for you to even really notice over the long term because you're in control of the tap. And when you find out, when you discover that you're in control of the tap and you use that agency, then you start to build your self-trust again. Because when you turn the tap off intentionally and go, oh, actually, this isn't such a place to. To give this energy. This isn't a great person to keep giving this warmth, this kindness, this playfulness.

This person does not deserve my honey.

No, they.

They.

When you realize that and you turn off the tap, you go, oh, I. I could do that. I had the power to turn off the tap. I don't need to worry about what I just gave or that it's going to end badly. I control the tap. And when you actually turn off the tap or give someone less, you're showing yourself that you have that agency. And then self-trust comes back. And when self-trust comes back, you don't need to worry about obsessing over whether you can trust other people anymore on the same level. It actually doesn't matter. You don't need to. No longer do you have to try to control things that you cannot control.

Yeah.

Because you're controlling the only thing you need to control, which is the extent to which you turn on that tap and who you turn it on for.

I love all of that so, so, so much. I think it's so useful just to add a very small thing to it. What I'm hearing, correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm hearing is you also have to value what you're giving and see it as a premium that something isn't worthy of. Instead of seeing it as the thing that's valuable is their attention and their response, the thing that's actually valuable is what you're giving. You have to be really, really connected to how valuable your honey is. But it's true, right? Because that's the antidote to not being afraid of rejection. It's going, you can't reject me because I know what I'm giving is fantastic. I know I'm a wonderful person. I know I'd be a great partner. I know you're not going to get this easily somewhere else. So if you choose that you don't want that, that's very unfortunate for you. Someone will, because I know it's really valuable.

Yes, that's exactly right. And that, but the, the kind of what can feel like a bit of a paradox to manage, but it's not really a paradox, is that you also can't be the person who's so proud about that that no one ever tastes what you're like on your best day, because then there's no leverage. Yeah, there's no. Jeremy, I know you'll understand this reference. You're in a mall, you go to the food court. There's. I'm with you. There's the Asian counter.

Right.

It could be Panda Express. There's a couple of others as well. I feel like the. The. The. you know, like, I'm. You're in the middle of America. There's a mall, there's an Asian food place, and there's someone standing outside, and they have got, like, that, like, the best chicken. They like the teriyaki chicken or the honey walnut or. They've got some little chicken that they've got on toothpicks, like a taster, and they hand it out and you try it, and it's incredible.

And. they don't.

They're not putting out samples of bad stuff. They're taking their tastiest chicken, and they're like, here, try this. How many people is like, you're never the thing they choose because you never put your best sample out there.

Yeah.

You're so protective over it. Now, look, the, you know, that. That Asian kitchen is not putting out. an amount of teriyaki chicken that will bankrupt it. They're always putting out an amount they can afford to lose. They give away their best stuff, but not an amount that they can't afford to lose. That's the cost of doing business. And the cost of doing business is that sometimes in your love life, you're going to go and give your best self to someone for an hour. with all of your warmth and your kindness and your joy and your zest for life and your authentic energy. And they're just going to be someone who wanted a little bit free chicken. And that's okay, because you're not going to feed them for the next month.

I love it.

Before you go, YouTube. YouTubers, I have a brand new book that you've probably already heard about, but some people still haven't heard about it, or you've heard about it already, but you still haven't got it. Even though you're watching me here, you haven't got it. And this is my best stuff from the last 10 years of my life, all put in one place. I worked four years on this. I worked hard on this YouTube video, but like, you know, it took me like an hour of preparation. This took me four years Four years. That means all of my best stuff is in here. If you want to find your person, if you want to raise your standards, if you want to learn how to be happy regardless of what happens in your love life, this book is going to help you. And what's really cool right now is we have some prizes. We have some giveaways that we're doing for everyone who gets a copy of the book, including live retreat giveaways. People who want to come and join me for six days in person in Florida this year, for free as a giveaway. There are one-on-one sessions that I'm doing. Be coached by me personally. If you've got a question you want to ask me, love life sweaters. You've seen them. They're delightful. Maybe we can flash up a quick shot of me in a love life sweater, Jeremy. They're lovely. It'll look even better on you. We're giving away some love life sweaters that you can get just for buying a copy of the book. You'll be entered into that draw. And not only that, you'll get a couple of other really great bonuses, including a live event with me on May the fourth. So, join us by going to www.lovelifobook.com, grab your copy, and we'll see you next time.