Why They Act Interested, Then Disappear... (The REAL Reason)

There's lots of people who like what you like, who are the worst. Like it doesn't really mean anything. So we are today talking about why it is that we can go on a great day and then someone pulls away. So we have a poll that we put out to our audience on this. and the results are very interesting. But before we do, I want to say for the last 17 years of my life, you, Stephen, know this better than anybody, the questions that have come through, the volume of questions from people saying, I just don't know why I didn't get the call. I don't know why the date went well. And then all of a sudden, nothing happened. And then people are playing detective on it suggests that they are truly bewildered as to what's going on. But then we had a poll where we asked people themselves, like, why didn't you go on a second date? Maybe you're confused about why other people aren't going on a second date with you when it seems like you had a great time. But why aren't you going on a second date with other people? What were the results of that poll?

Well, overwhelmingly, the majority said it was because they didn't feel a spark at 56%. the second largest was compatibility issues such as job, lifestyle, etc. 23%. We then had not over our ex at 12% and the last one was at 9% not ready to commit.

That is a huge result for Didn't Feel a Spark. I thought compatibility would be higher. I thought a lot of people would just say, oh, I just didn't think we saw eye to eye on certain values or they didn't have the same level of kindness I care about or ambition, but A lot of people just seem to be like, I just, there's not enough attraction.

I think if you find someone attractive and sexy, you don't care about compatibility on the first date.

That is truth, Audrey. That is truth.

I think the compatibility one... Compatibility is more likely to come up as a reason why you didn't go on a second date if you're being highly intentional. I think for people who are being really intentional, they see certain things. in a person or the way they speak, and they just go, oh, this probably isn't going to work. You travel all the time. I don't really love your values. Or there's, there's those things are very apparent to people who are very tuned in to the kind of thing they're looking for and are being very intentional about having a relationship that's going to work. Most people are not being intentional, even when they say they are. To your point, Audrey, most people It's enough that they just feel like they're having a great time. Someone is entertaining, they find them hot. That's enough to get them to the second date.

You don't want the same things as me. Challenge accepted.

Yes, it's more like compatibility will be the reason someone didn't commit or wasn't willing to take it further. So is that why people just flake then? Do you think people just flake because they just go, eh? I didn't. It wasn't enough. Like, I don't even want to kiss this person or I don't want to sleep with them or something.

And do you think it's different for men and women?

I think that there's a lot of guys who will go on a second date to hook up. Not all, but a lot will go on a second date to hook up because they think someone is sexy.

They.

There's an attraction there, even if. they look at someone and they're like, yeah, I. You're not for me. I don't think that this would work, or you're not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I think a lot of guys will go on that second date.

Those rascals.

As long as there's, like, no yikes moment. Like, if someone is sexy, fun, and no yikes moment, like, what would be like.

Like a yikes moment. Like, alarm bells, like, this person's gonna.

Ruin my life, right? Or there's something scary they said, something intense.

Got it.

Like this is gonna go really badly.

Other than that, if there's no scary moment, they might hook up with someone and therefore have another date.

Absolute pigs, all of you.

Why are you lumping us in?

Good point.

You're men, aren't you?

Rude.

Tell us about women if they go on a date. and they think someone is, is hot, but there's, you know, no deeper compatibility. Do they, are they still going on another date with that guy?

I think you have to Define compatibility. I think if you go on a date with someone and they're really handsome and attractive, but you don't have a lot of fun with them, for instance, because they're maybe not I don't know, they're just not as fun as the kind of people you want to date or they're not as charismatic or they're not as confident or things like that. I think you then will go, that almost amounts to not having a spark even though they can be really physically attractive. That happens a lot. I think that if you meet a guy and you feel so attracted to them, you think they're amazing and then they're like, you know, yeah, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a relationship. I think a lot of women will just go, well, I don't really meet people I like, so I'm just gonna stick this out and see where it goes because maybe they'll change their mind. And then I think there's the other side of it, which is if somebody's on a date and someone is clearly unkind or, you know, shows themselves to have really, really different values from you. I think that can also become a turn off if it's sort of to the extreme that you're like, oh, I just don't really like that kind of person. But I think if it's compatibility on those more superficial levels, Women are more likely to be like, I'm gonna, I mean, I'm massively kind of lumping all women in one, but I do think this is the pattern I've seen in my life, my friends' lives, and just observed through 35 years of existing. I think there's much more of a, like, I will change him.

Why do we think it's so, there's such a huge gap between the simplicity in our own lives when we're asked, why didn't you go on a second date? And 56% said, I didn't feel a spark. And the complications that we attribute to when someone else doesn't want to go on a second date with us.

I think we have something where we don't think about the other person's perspective on what they want and what is it, everything that's going on in their life. And some people will just be charming and nice on a first date. So you think that went well. They will flirt. Maybe they do think you're kind of cute or whatever. they flirt like, yeah, and many of us will have done this. You'll be on a date and be charming and that, but you might be thinking, I'm not, I'm not that into this, or I'm not, maybe I'm not attracted enough, but I'm kind of being my charming self because I want to impress and we have a natural instinct to want to impress on a date. People still want to win the other person's attention, even if they don't want to go further. And I think we just don't put ourselves in that perspective so we can go home thinking, oh, that went really well, but. you just don't know, A, where that person's head is at. Some people literally go on a date and get back with an ex like a week after. Some people go on a date just to test the water. Some people are looking for something really specific and they might have kind of liked you, but they may have just got some sense that this wasn't the exact kind of person I was looking for. People have very specific tastes. I think we just take this way, way too personally.

But you know, you said something super, super interesting, I think, which is the experience that people have where they will have a great date, which is kind of the question of this episode, right? Like, why do you not hear from them after a great date? And I think that's the piece that's really difficult for people to wrap their heads around because when you're asking people, why didn't you go on that second date? If they didn't feel a spark, it's very easy for them to identify that that's why, because they didn't feel like they had a great date. But it's difficult when your experience is that you're having a great date and the instinct isn't to think maybe they weren't having a great day either. Maybe they were just pretending to just go along with it and, you know, enjoying the evening and just making the best of it. Instead they go, we go, I should say, you know, oh my God, it's because, like, I don't understand because this was such a great connection that we had.

We had such an amazing connection.

Exactly. So I think it's really important what you said and I think it's, It really does come down to like the experience that the other person gives you on a date as well.

Which is, yeah, and look, that just boils down to this truth that I think a lot of us do forget that it's more fun to be on a date where someone really likes you. It's more fun to be on a date where you're impressing someone. It's more fun to be on a date where you're having fun and having great conversation and it feels fun and flirty. And not everyone can, like, of course, there's a kind of person we can go on a date with where we feel absolutely nothing. And then it might be for most people, it's really hard to, like, conjure up a great date in that situation. But if you're feeling, like, attracted enough, even though you're already thinking, I probably won't see this person again, a lot of people in those circumstances will just put on a great performance. because that's what's gonna make the next two hours or the next hour the most fun. There's an egoic element of still wanting that person to think you're great. So that does result in a lot of confusion. And I suppose what comfort can we offer people? Because that feels like a very disorienting realization that. So wait, now, now what? You're saying that great dates Don't mean anything. Like what? Then what means anything? If I go on a bad date, it's bad. And if I go on a great date, it still doesn't mean anything. So how do I continue through this process enjoyably knowing that?

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A first date is almost like, it's like hanging your coat at the door. and taking a look around the house you're looking at. It's like you're just seeing, like feeling out, especially these days, first dates are often when people met for the first time. They didn't, you know, they often met on an app and then went on a first date. So it's like the very first meeting you're having. And I think a little bit that people are projecting too much when they say that was such an amazing date. In a way, I'm way more interested how the second and third date is going like, and what happens in between the first and second date? Because I, I know from experience, first dates can be so fickle. Like, sometimes they tip in your direction, the person's excited, sometimes they just don't. And it Fizzles out. It just. Other things happen. People get busy. So I think you have to take a first date, like, bring down the temperature on what it means. Do you know what I mean? Because you don't know them that well. You don't know enough to say, like, we fit so well together, what happened? Maybe you don't. Maybe you do just have great conversation, but you get down to it and actually you'll find out you're both really different or you have different values.

When people say we fit so well together, there's always an enormous amount of projection in that. There's an enormous amount of sort of superficial connections that you're making in your mind. It's like someone can say that they're into these quirky movies that you're into, and all of a sudden your brain lights up and says, oh my God, no one's ever into those movies, and this person is into those movies. And I've never met someone who is into these things that I'm into, and that must mean something, but it might not mean anything.

Yeah.

There's lots of people who like what you like, who are the worst. Like it doesn't, it doesn't really mean anything. And we've, we, because we're a biased judge, we want to find love. So we are so tuned in to anything that could feel like that. And then we come away with a whole bunch of evidence to say, see, look how connected we are. But there's no real depth to it at that stage, even if it turns into something of depth. 'Cause I'm just, I'm not just talking about times when it's wrong. I'm saying even when it's right, the depth isn't there in the same way on the first day as it will be on the 50th date or the 100th date.

Matthew.

Yes, Stephen.

Just a quick question. I am speaking someone right now. It's going great. I just wondered if you could give me three kinds of texts that will keep the attraction going.

That's amazing. Um, I would say, The first kind of text.

If you can just give me bullet points, that's fine.

I'm sorry?

Just bullets.

Okay. Text one, the callback, when you remember something from...

So, can you just make it shorter?

Okay, when you remember something from the.

Date... You know what, in fact, just send me an exact script of the text to my phone.

Stephen, I'm not Matthew AI.

Oh. Oh, this is awkward. I'm sorry, you look a lot like him.

Yeah, well, I sound like him. He talks like me, he has my accent, has all of my content from the last 20 years.

Sorry, I'm just used to him being so helpful. He'll just answer any dating question I have anytime and no waffle.

And he's super affordable, which is great.

Well, that's great.

Yeah. So have you been having lots of conversations with Matthew AI?

I just find him very simple.

So what you're saying is with Matthew AI, you can hear me talk about all of the things that you're interested in. with none of the things.

Sorry, could you just make it shorter?

Okay, well, this is as short as I can make it. If you or anyone else want to try Matthew AI, you can go to askmh.com and try it out for free. You can ask any question you want about texting, about dating, about confidence.

Definitely you should make that shorter.

About breakups, you name it. Whatever is the biggest question on your mind right now, you can ask Matthew A I, which if Stephen's anything to go by is increasingly preferable to me.

Go check him out. He's lovely.

Askmh.com.