In this YouTube conversation, Matthew AI, Audrey, and Stephen respond to a listener, Samuela, who struggles to differentiate between "green flags" and familiar, potentially unhealthy patterns rooted in childhood trauma. The hosts explain that instincts are survival‑response systems that can mislead when the original threats are no longer relevant. They discuss the common human bias toward familiarity—how we often gravitate toward people who feel like "home" even when that home was dysfunctional. Matthew shares personal anecdotes about repeatedly mistaking charismatic, manipulative acquaintances for genuine connections, and how over time he learned to question his gut feelings. The group advises Samuela (and listeners) to cultivate curiosity about past patterns, to interrogate whether current attractions have historically led to positive outcomes, and to broaden their social circles. By seeking friends who are kind, consistent, and low‑drama rather than merely charismatic, one can retrain attraction toward healthier relationship models. The conversation balances personal storytelling with practical steps for recognizing and reshaping attraction habits.
Chapters
If I say, be careful of trusting your instincts, people are like, what do you mean? My instincts are all I have. They're actually not all you have. They are response systems that have been developed for survival.
Love life line is where we went out to our members and asked them a question. We got a really, really good question from a lovely lady called Samuela, who is French. Vive la France.
Vive la France. Is that a thing we're doing now?
Yes, every time we have a- I.
Have to because I'm married to a French woman, so it's- I say mandatory. I have to. You sort of have to as well as the brother-in-law. You do?
Yeah, I demand it. Producer David, can we have the question please?
Hi Matthew, hi Audrey, hi everyone. I'm Samuela from France. I have a question relating to what seemed to be green flags in the beginning, I have found in my last relationship, as I was discovering the person, I was really feeling like they were familiar, feeling like I was recognizing them during the discovery process, feeling like that all their values aligned with mine, and something felt really familiar about it. But because I have childhood trauma, that landed me in quite a lot of trouble. And that is a feeling I don't know how to navigate and how to trust or distrust in different contexts. Thank you for your answers and thank you for all your great work. Bye.
And what was her name?
Samuela.
Samuela. So was Samuela saying that there's something, for want of a better word, dysfunctional about the way she's showing up in the world and therefore looking for that same, like accepting and looking for that same thing in someone else? Is actually not necessarily the best way for her to find a healthy relationship? Or is there something else she's saying?
I thought what she said was that she could not discern between, you know, somebody that felt familiar because they reminded her of childhood trauma and negative things. And a green flag. You know, when you meet someone, you're like, oh, they feel really like they feel like home. But then when you go, oh, but home is so dysfunctional for me that I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Yes.
That's what I think she meant.
Yeah, that sounds right. Which is incredibly common. I talk about this in my new book, this idea that when we choose certain people, it's so common for us to choose what feels familiar. what is known to us. Our nervous system responds to certain things. And I think this is where we get to be a kind of empiricist in our own life. In other words, we get to look at the data in our life and the stories and say, where has selecting for this kind of behavior or this kind of person taken me down the wrong path before. Or, and this is sometimes a more nuanced thing, where has going for this kind of familiar behavior not necessarily been an indicator of how good of a person someone is? Like, I'll give you an example. I have learned about myself that, and this is still true to this day in my life, you and I will go to like a party or something or a social gathering and- Once a year. Once a year, yes. Admittedly. And when we're there, they'll often be, not always, but they'll often be like one person who I like quicker than everybody else. And when I like that person, initially, the feeling is so familiar to me at this point. I'm like, oh, me and this person, how lucky we found each other. We're going to be great friends. This is exactly my person. I say something and they laugh really hard, and they are so warm. unaffectionate in the way that I exactly I like. And it just feels so easy. Like, oh, my God, this feels so easy compared to everyone else in the room. And it's crazy how many times in my life that person, if I then flash forward a month, Sometimes even a week. Actually, the timing's got shorter and shorter as I've become more and more aware of my own patterns. But it used to be a lot longer. But after a certain amount of time, that will be the person that I end up saying, that person's like, kind of like a little bit manipulative. Like that person's a little bit like, They kind of, I don't know, I don't like their character. I don't think they have a lot of integrity or they... You see the mask slip? Yeah, they don't mean what they say. I'll start to like, real... And it used to take me a long time to realize that, years in some cases, but more and more these days, because I'm so aware of that pattern in myself, Now what will happen? This is the crazy part. Now I'll realize by the end of the party. So I'll still have my initial like, like love fest with this person where I'm like, that person's great, aren't they? And then by the end of the party, something has happened. They've said something or they've come on a little too strong in a certain area. And I, and I'll walk away and I'll go, something about that I didn't like. And you and I will go home and I'll look at you and I'll go, is it just me? Or was there something about that person that made you feel a little off, that seemed a little off? And you'll agree. You'll be like, oh, my God, I'm so glad you said that. That's. That's me paying attention. Firstly, before anything else, it's just me paying attention to how many times in my life that instinct has actually steered me wrong. And I, you know, this is why I have a whole chapter in the book called Question youn Instincts, which is not something we get told very often. In fact, it sounds to most people like bad advice because most people have taken some version of trust your gut, trust your intuition, trust your instincts, and taken it to all mean the same thing. So when if I say, be careful of trusting your instincts, people are like, what do you mean? My instincts are all I have. They're actually not all you have. They are response systems that have been developed for survival, and they may have been helping you survive something that's no longer a problem in your life, or it might be the context in which you had to survive before is no longer relevant now. So we have to be very careful of how our survival instincts are showing up in our lives today. And for Sam, Samweller, For Samuela, there might be a survival instinct that's showing up that's making someone feel like home. And it would be worth asking, at the very least, when we have a situation like this, there's no perfect science to figuring out whether you're right or wrong, whether this is going to lead you astray or going to lead you to someone amazing. What we can do is start to to introduce a curiosity to these situations and say, has it been true in the past that the things I'm really drawn to right now can often be revealed to be very superficial things, very superficial behaviors that aren't underpinned by a deeper integrity, by a deeper sense of character? Has that been true before in my life? Yes. Okay, then, has it been true many times before? Yes. Okay, so at the very least we might say now, you could also ask, has it been true that sometimes I've seen these things in someone and they've turned out to be a lovely person? Maybe the answer is yes. But what we get from those questions is, ah, okay, so what we know is the conclusion here is that these things that are making me feel like I'm home which feels good in the moment, are not by any means an indicator of the deeper character of this person, of their ability to show up, of their ability to be loyal, of their ability to be a good human being, or to still be in my life six months from now. And if that's the case, it doesn't mean I have to run a mile, but at the very least, what it allows me to do is temper these feelings and this enthusiasm I have right now. I have tried to not become a cynic when I hit it off with someone immediately. But what I am so acutely aware of is how many times I have been wrong about that instinct and how often, conversely, The people that were a much more subtle, whose light emitted in a much more subtle way when we met, where I didn't go away going, that was the greatest person in the room, ended up becoming the people I loved the most in the months or the years that followed. That also is information.
Maybe you and Audrey are just overly seduced by charm.
Her, especially.
I mean, this whole story was about you being over.
Yeah, but I was able to walk away, unlike you.
When Matt first said he walked into party and was having such an amazing conversation, I thought this person was so interesting. I. I just pictured him talking to his own AI at the party. He's just there. You look around, everyone's having a drink, and then Matt's just on his phone. Just like this person's so.
Yeah, mate. Yeah. Why did you have your earphones on?
Why were you staring at the wall talking for two hours? No, but that's. That's true. We have our homing missiles and we have our things that are familiar. Sometimes to people, someone who doesn't even give you a lot of attention is familiar, and that's more familiar than someone who lights up when you text. And is reciprocal, could you go, oh, this doesn't feel like normal. It's more normal when someone's a little bit unsure.
I have to earn love that feels more normal. Like earning love and having to fight for someone's attention than someone who's just available.
I mean complicated feels more normal than simple.
That's why I think in life and like at that party or in your life, it's like you've gotta just see those dings of green lights and just the more you can have those people around you all the time, like you start to absorb that consistency, people saying what they mean, people telling the truth, you kind of become like, yeah, it kind of needs to become this homing instinct for like, just gather more of that around you. It starts to become more normal.
I love that, Stephen. I actually was going to say, which is a really nice follow on from what you've just said, I was going to say to Samuela, practically speaking, something I think is really, really useful in your life, and if you don't trust your taste in people, something that's really useful is to try and branch out and become friends with different kinds of people.
That's great advice.
And trying to find qualities in friends where you're like, this friend isn't necessarily the shiniest friend or the most charismatic friend or the most whatever friend, But they're really interesting or they're really kind or they're really consistent. They really want to be my friend and they actually want to invest time and energy into me and they don't gossip about other people. They're not indulging in behaviors that are going to kind of lead me down a path that isn't a good path for me, like whatever it might be. And I think sometimes we have to be really careful of our type. a type of person, it's kind of what you're talking about. And so branching out through different kinds of friendships and they might feel a little bit boring at first because your friend who drinks a lot is the funniest person in the room, is super charming, has always got a great story, gossips about everyone and is like lights up any room. That friend, that friend might actually be a terrible person for your life, a terrible person for your taste in people, a terrible person in terms of like a kind of like model that you should look up to for a connection. And that friend comparatively to the more quiet friend who isn't those things necessarily, but as these other things I mentioned, like they might feel a little bit boring compared to that shiny friend. But the more time you actually invest and spend with this other person who will make you feel safe, will make you feel seen, will make you hopefully feel expanded, the more you start to realize oh, it's not really where it's at, those shiny, charismatic people. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And I think, I think that's, like, a really good first step, because I think when it comes to our romantic relationships, it's super difficult to, like, kind of retrain ourselves to be attracted to something. But I think that if we can start and take small steps with using our kind of, like, interpersonal relationships through our friendships, work friendships, Etc. I think that's a really, really nice place to start.
