Will Checking Your Partner’s Phone Ruin Your Relationship?

If a healthy person doesn't trust someone, they don't say, give me access to everything, give me all of your logins. They say, I'm having real issues here going into this relationship because I don't trust you. What is our special question of the day that that we're going to answer?

Well, Christina sent something in which I.

Where did she send that? Audrey?

She sent it atpodcast Matthew Hussey.com and.

This is our segment called Q and Audrey.

Yeah. Everyone, if you could pitch in and let us know what you think we should call this little segment where Audrey reads a question from the audience. The front runner right now is Q and Audrey.

Yes. Let's see if we can come up with different options.

It's not bad though. Q and Audrey.

Christina wrote in and said, hi, I really like this guy and we've dated off and on for about a year. But I wasn't ready for a relationship at first since I had just got out of a three year relationship and wanted some time to myself. I am now ready to date this guy and he has some trust issues with me and what we've been through previously. For example, my ex calling and liking my pictures on Instagram, he wanted to look through my phone recently and I said no. He said in order to trust me, he would need my login info for my Instagram and Gmail in order to trust me again. I feel like this is an invasion of privacy and a control tactic. Am I in the wrong or is he. This is giving me doubts on if I really want to be in a relationship with him now. Thanks for your help.

So did she. They dated three years ago and she decided not to or.

No, she had just got out of a three year relationship so she doesn't say when they dated, but presumably she came out of this relationship with. Was dating him for a bit but wasn't ready to commit to him and to commit to a relationship. She's now had some time to herself come back towards him. They've come back into each other's lives and he is saying to her, I have trust issues. I don't trust you because while we were dating last time your ex was calling you and he was liking your pictures on Instagram. So I would like to log into your Instagram and your Gmail in order to build up the trust again. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'd love your thoughts.

I mean, look, my, my top line thoughts are that you should address the issues from the time. So what was it? If, if you Took your moral compass and said, what have I done that I, I believe is, was either wrong or hurtful? It's worth exploring that and then addressing those things. For example, if she feels like I am a little in the wrong because I kind of led him on and I didn't actually tell him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And I kind of let him get more and more invested. All the while I was still talking to my ex and having some kind of flirtations there. And ultimately, ultimately I ended up hurting the new guy because I wasn't ready for anything. And I didn't really let him know that early on. Then that's the conversation you address. You say, you come. You sort of come clean on that stuff and you say, look, here's the reality. I came out of a relationship and I wasn't ready for something, but I acted poorly with you. I was selfish in the way that I approached our situation because rather than admitting up front I wasn't ready for more, I let things progress to a level that then hurt you. I wasn't in love with my ex or, you know, I wasn't trying to be back with my ex. But I also wasn't in a place where I was able to fully commit to somebody. And I'm sorry that at the time I wasn't more honest with you about that. Think about how important what I'm about to say must be for me to interrupt my own video. Well, here's why it's important. It's going to change your love life. And it's free if you want to know why someone may have faded out, why they may have disappeared, why all of a sudden it felt like the momentum was lost with this person. Go to why he's gone.com where I talk about the main reasons someone disappears. Go check it out. Why he's gone dot com. And now let's go back to the video. That being said, I've had time to think about what I want. I really find myself now in a place where I can give to a relationship. And you're the person I'd like to give that a try with because I really like you, and I did in the beginning, which is why I wanted to get to know you in the first place, albeit at a time when I wasn't ready. However, if we're going to start from a place of trust, that has to cut both ways. And my you trusting me has to also come with me being able to trust that you respect healthy boundaries and that you respect my privacy. And you asking for the login to my social media and to my, whatever it was, her emails or phone or whatever is, is. It's not acceptable to me. I would, I wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship with anybody. And I certainly wouldn't ask the same of you. If I was going into a relationship with you where I felt there were trust issues, I wouldn't be asking for the logins. I'd be asking myself, do I really trust who this person is as a human? Do I trust their character? And do I see them, Do I see my it being worth giving them a shot? I wouldn't say. I wouldn't make it conditional on whether I had the logins to their devices. And I ask the same of you. Now, I'm telling you the truth about the past. I've come clean about where I was at the time and I'm also being honest with you about where I am now. If that's not enough for you, that's a real shame because I think we could be great and I think that we could have something really special. But I also understand, but this is a, this is a line for me that's being crossed and I don't want to start on the footing of me feeling like my privacy has been invaded.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I also think ultimately, if you choose to get back together with someone, that's not to say if somebody has hurt you in the past, you can, of course, you're going to have to work through certain things. But if you choose to get back with someone, you should choose to trust them again. And trusting them doesn't mean having access to their email, their social media. It means you trust them in spite of the fact that you have no proof that they're not doing anything. That's what trust is. It's. If I have to, if I have to check your phone every time in order to trust you, then you don't. Then I don't trust you. And if you choose to get back with someone, you have to come at it from a place where you are going. I trust you enough to see whether or not this is going to go somewhere and whether or not you're going to be good for me. And I think if you can't do that, that means that the relationship, the trust is broken, is too far gone, which can happen. And that's a real shame. But it's also, it's the part where you're saying, which it is a shame, but it's. That does happen sometimes. For people. But you have to be self aware enough to know that if the security you need is to be able to constantly check people's emails and social media and messages in order to feel safe, then there's something wrong with the relationship.

Well, and there's something, I would argue there's something you have to really look at in yourself. Because if, if a healthy person doesn't trust someone, they don't say, give me access to everything, give me all of your logins. They say, I'm having real issues here going into this relationship because I don't trust you. And that's maybe that's partly my fault because I'm overthinking things or I'm letting my demons get carried away. But until I can address those for myself, then going further isn't going to work for me. You don't respond to it by saying, give me your logins.

Yeah, or let's work together to, you know, let's invest in trying to make me trust you because I recognize that this could be my thing, but it's also, you know, being instigated by something you've done. So let's work together to get to a place where we, you know, we have that trust and we rebuild together as a team, but in a healthy way rather than from a foundation of checking.

Yeah. What I would say to her is make sure you feel you have had an really open, clear conversation with him about the areas where you feel you fell short and what you wish you had done differently and say it plainly and directly because that's what gives credibility to your words today, what you don't want. It's easy when someone doesn't trust you to get into a very, this pattern of what becomes really noisy communication of I didn't even do this and you're making a thing out of this and it wasn't even a thing, and this and that and you know, like there's a kind of like. Or an over justification is the opposite of that. Where it's like, I'm so sorry and I didn't mean to do this, I didn't mean to do. Instead there has to be a point at which you say this is what happened, this is why it happened that way and there isn't anything more that I can say about that factually because that's it, that's what it, that's, that's the situation. Allowing him to dictate the paradigm of chopping it up a thousand different ways. Which, by the way, asking for your logins is just Another version of that is I want to just look in your stuff to just chop it up even more ways. Well, that's. That's. That's you buying into their paradigm. That's you allowing them to dictate the rhythm of the communication. What I want Christina to have is the closure that she communicated clearly and openly and directly and then said, that's all there is to say, and I'm ready to move on. And if you're not, that's okay, but I can't. Unless you want to. Unless you want to just work together to build trust going forward. There's no more I can say about that because I've explained to you everything.

But I would argue she's allowed to revisit it. Sorry. He would be allowed to revisit it with her. If he feels insecure in moments or triggered in moments, I think it's not so much about going, you know, here's all I have to say about it. Now let's move on. It's about not indulging the worst sides of him and his jealousy, because ultimately, if you indulge that side of him.

Yes, yes. Which is secure. I agree with that. I agree with that. But there's a tone and a manner of communication that someone who is trying to find more than there is or trying to, you know, if they're coming from their demons and if they're coming from their own trauma and their fears, then they will try to stoke the fires of that conversation to create more. And you have to kind of be the water that's constantly putting that out. Not by shutting things down and saying, I'm never talking about this again. But if someone. If someone's getting an agitated tone and saying, but what about this? And when you did that and when, you know, it's like, back then, I was in this situation, I was feeling this. And I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of being unclear or I'm not proud of not being straight about my intentions or whatever, but that's the whole story. And if there's healing to be done amongst. Between us, that's okay. I'm all for that. But there isn't any more story to tell. That's the part where you have to be. Don't let someone drag you into slicing and dicing the situation in more ways than the situation actually deserves.

Deserves.

Because then you are. You're allowing their trauma, you're allowing their demons to set the tone for the conversation. You can. You can communicate with them, and he help them heal. But what you can't do is get dragged into matching their tone and their manner of communication.

Yeah, I would say, Christina, listen back to what Matt said in his in your answer. Like you could transcribe that and it's just perfectly written. But also Matt's tone was just, just right too, as far as being the the water on that flame. And don't, yeah, don't go. Don't be invited to the demon dinner. Have your own. Have your own set. Set the table yourself and let that be the narrative.

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Sam.