Will Insisting On A Condom Scare Him Off?

Hello, everybody. Matthew Hussey here with Love Life. Very good to be with you today. We have a caller, and her name is Jasmine. Jasmine, are you there?

Yes.

Hi. Hi, Jasmine. It's so good to speak to you. How are you?

I am over the moon right now.

Really? Why?

Well, because it's my first time on the radio, and I'm, like, a little bit excited, nervous.

Well, this is good. Do you know what? You should do at least one of those things a week where you feel excited, where you feel new and excited and nervous. This is good. This is how you grow. So I'm happy to have you here. What was your question, Jasmine?

So I was actually wondering, what is the best way to talk to a guy about, you know, FCD testing, if they're clean, how to really touch on that subject without scaring him off or seeming hyper sensitive about it.

Okay, so is this a situation where, for example, you would be getting into a relationship with someone and how far down the line are we? Paint me a picture.

Okay, well, I would say a relationship is much further down the line. Well, I guess when you're just starting to get to know someone dating, starting to get intimate.

Okay, so you're starting to get intimate and having unprotected sex?

No, protected.

Okay, so having protected sex. Okay, so in that situation, what's your fear of bringing it up?

Well, actually about a month ago, I had a pretty bad scare.

Mm-.

So, ever since then, it was, it turned out to be a false positive.

And, but- But something happened that made you think that you had an STD of some sort and, and it turned out not to be something, but then it scared you and made you think, oh, I need to be more proactive about this.

Exactly, yeah.

Okay, interesting. So now that you want to be more proactive, what is it you'd like to be able to do? You'd like to be able to, talk to a guy and just openly discuss, have you been tested and have a conversation about that?

Right, exactly. And just, you know, how to not kill the mood almost, because that's very serious. You know, you're trying to flirt and be cute, and that's not something cute.

So is it the case that you don't want to have any intimacy until you find that out?

Not necessarily, no.

But if you know you're going to be regular with someone, you want to make sure that you know where they are.

Exactly.

Okay, so I think firstly that the time to do it is not necessarily in the middle of the act, right? That's going to drive both of you crazy, I think. And also, it's also the time you're most likely to get the least honest answer. Right? When someone's hot and horny and ready to go and you ask them, they're gonna be telling you, no, let's talk about it tomorrow. I'm fine.

Yeah, exactly.

So I would do it, and by the way, that doesn't mean that you have to do it in a very ultra serious moment either. The opposite isn't you going out to dinner to talk about STDs.

Specifically, Well, this situation actually happened last week where we did get onto the topic and he could tell that it was something that was bothering me. The date went amazing. We had amazing connection and especially it surprised me because I wasn't expecting it. But after the conversation, it went cold. So how do I go about Walk.

Me through the conversation. How did it go?

Well, I asked him, he was tested and he said he wasn't, but he was tested like eight months ago and he was only with one girl and that girl was tested about a month ago. He actually ended up actually pulling up a photo that she took like a snapshot of her test, but her test didn't include everything. It just included specifics. Right. And I wanted to know everything, you know, so he could tell that obviously I was bothered by it and that, you know, I was kind of like, you know, I would really appreciate if you could get tested, you know, just. And after that, that was last week.

And is it moving towards a relationship with him or you're both not sure right now?

We're both not sure. We're just getting to know each other. But, you know, I've been, you know, meeting guys and dating, and this is the first guy I've really made, you know, a connection with that really impressed me. And so I'm interested in, like, pursuing it, but at the same time, I could tell that, you know, he probably thinks, like, on some kind of, like, condom Nazi or something, or, you know, super sensitive to it.

A new term in my vocabulary, the condom Nazi. This is great. You brought something to my world today.

Mostly because like I said to him, unless it's wrapped up like a Christmas gift, nobody's touching it. I think after I said that he was like, oh.

So, okay, so does he not want to use a condom?

He doesn't, no, but we have.

So you have had sex without a condom?

No, no, we have only with.

Oh, only with, but he wants to not use one.

Yes, exactly.

Okay. I mean, here's my view on this, Jasmine. Firstly, I'm always suspicious of men who are too quick to go without a condom. I always find, personally, and this is a personal thing, right? 'Cause I'm the other extreme. I am my own form of a condom Nazi, but in the male form. I, you know, for me, I never want to put that trust in somebody else's hands. To me, I take my own responsibility for my situation. Now, of course, people change that view once they're in committed relationships. They change their views of, you know, if they really trust someone, if a man trusts a woman on the pill, then, you know, he may decide to stop using a condom and so on. But I know that I'd be suspicious of someone who not knowing you all that well right now, but only just starting out with you, Is already the one who's saying he doesn't want to use a condom. For me, if nothing else, fear should drive a guy to not want to do that. So I don't quite understand that position. So that would be the first thing. No, of course not. Of course not. This is not uncommon amongst guys. Stupidity is also not uncommon amongst people in general. so let's understand that point. But for this guy right now, I would be first questioning why he's so eager to. To not use a condom, because that, to me, suggests bad judgment from the beginning. Then I would say, okay, if he really doesn't want to use a condom, fair enough. That's his position. But your position is that you really need him to be tested newly in order for you to. to go there with him. I don't think it's it, by the way, let's just put our cards on the table. As a guy, it kind of sucks to go and get tested when they put the swab in your thing. It's just, it's really unpleasant. So I understand when guys are like, oh, do I have to again? Like, this sucks. I get it. At the same time, if he likes you and he really does want unprotected sex with you, it's one thing if he said, look, I'll keep using a condom, but really, I know I'm fine, so I don't want to get tested, but I'll keep using a condom. That's the deal. Fair enough. But if he's the one who's saying, I really don't want to use a condom and I don't want to get tested, then I would, I don't think you're in the wrong and I think that you should stand your ground and let him know in a very classy and Elegant way. You know that it would feel wonderful and intimate to be able to do that with you, but I really have to value myself and my health. And, you know, that's not that I don't trust you, it's just that things happen. And I can't put that in somebody else's hands. Because the truth is, someone can have had a test on Monday, picked up something on Tuesday, and show you a clean bill of health from their test on Wednesday. It makes no difference, really, when someone says, well, I did it eight months ago. Well, eight months is a long time and things happen. So I don't think the onus is on you to trust him. I think the onus is on him to show you that he's trustworthy and to go out of his way for you if he likes you. And I think he'll respect you more for standing your ground on it in a classy way, not in an aggressive way, but I think he'll respect you more for standing your ground on it rather than caving just to be in rapport with him and to make him happy.

Okay.

And all the while keep reiterating that you like him and you're happy to keep going down this road with him, but you have to value yourself first. You can't take risks that you wouldn't take for the average person just because you like him.

Yeah, no, I wasn't planning at all to risk that, but in a way, I know that I scared him off. because of that. And I just don't know. Then I wouldn't.

Then I wouldn't worry about it. Then I. Then I wouldn't worry about it. The guy does. Honestly, if that scared him off, I can tell you right now, he's not worth it. You don't need to worry. Okay. You really do not need to worry. I promise you that there are better.

Men out there that will show a lot more understanding. Okay. Yeah.

Thank you. You're so welcome. You're so welcome. Thank you for. For bringing such an interesting issue to light. I actually really appreciate. you bringing this to the show because we haven't had something like this before. And I love when we get a new topic. And a big message to all of you out there listening to me and Jasmine right now, if you have a new topic, bring it forward. It's so cool when someone does. And Jasmine, I thank you for that.

No, you're very welcome.

All right, thank you for taking the time. Well, we'll speak to you soon. All right. Have a great day. And you're doing the right thing.

Thank you.

All right.

Bye. Bye.