Your Heartbreak Will Get Better as Soon as You Watch This

It involves us realizing, oh my God, I was occupying a different planet than you were. I was on planet Aren't we so happy? And you were on planet. I'm constantly questioning this and I'm wondering when's the best time to break up with you. This email is from Anonymous. She did ask to remain anonymous, so we will honor that. She says hello. I sent you an email a few weeks back when I was struggling through the beginnings of a breakup. I'm still in the thick of it and have been listening to your podcast non stop. You guys are the best and have offered me so much insight, even though it is still so, so difficult. Me and my ex have reached the stage of our breakup where I'm beginning to realize it's over for good. That's a really hard stage, isn't it? When you realize, like those it's truly landed as a realization that, oh, there's no more hope. This is done. I broke no contact to ask him if there was anything I could do to change his decision and he said, I miss you, but I'm not going to change my decision. I remember a situation like that where I thought, they're going to have a turnaround. They're going to come to their senses. They're going to like. And you know when people, friends are being, like, positive around you, they'll all tell you, like, they're gonna realize that, oh, you just watch, they're gonna regret this one. I remember getting a text from someone where they said, you know, I know this is really hard for the both of us, but I just know it's the right thing and that it was like, that was the most painful moment of the breakup for me because was it confirmed what all of the hopes I had of, like, they're going to realize what a mistake they've made and I'm going to get to say, I told you so evaporated. And the reality of, oh, this person doesn't think they've made a mistake, landed with me. And then, like, it was doubly painful. She said, I feel so undervalued. He said, it's nothing I have done wrong and he didn't stop loving me, but he just doesn't think we're quite right for each other. It's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. I feel so small and insignificant that he's seen all of my true colors and values and efforts, yet wants nothing to do with me. I'm beginning to see him as a different person. He's distant and cold we don't speak now. He asked me to stop talking to him. I was planning on doing that anyway, but he said it in a snappy and irritated way, as if I was a nuisance to him for conveying my feelings to him about being dumped. He is becoming a stranger and a distant memory in my mind. It feels weird. I was once so close and so in love and so enamored and happy with this person. It feels wrong to let them slip away. I don't want to let their memory go, but I also know it's a step in my healing. Please help me. I don't know how to cope with watching my love become a stranger. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let them go. Thank you for reading God. Could any email sum up more perfectly the pain of a breakup and the way that it confuses, confounds, inverts our reality where it takes this person we were closer to than anyone in the world and. And has them revert back to being a perfect stranger in our lives. And the coldness with which someone can seemingly just amputate the relationship from their lives when we can't even imagine letting them go. And we're. We're watching them almost become colder by the second. Now then, now they're not just letting go of us. They're irritated that we're even expressing our feelings to them. And there's this fundamental disconnect, which is actually reflected in this email where he's feeling this way, like, hey, I don't need any more of your thoughts and feelings, and starting to feel irritated by it. And her side, which is. It's. She says, it's so hard to hear because he is perfect for me. That is the complete contrast between the two positions. And it's part of the madness that we feel when someone's breaking up with us. And we have a completely different set of emotions than they do, that you're perfect for me and I can't let you go, and you can't seem to get away quick enough. And the longer we hold on to this story, this idea that they're perfect for us, the. The longer we hold on to this, what seems like a, you know, a fundamental incompatibility between these two realities. And actually, I think a huge part of the grieving process in any breakup, and it is a grieving process, is to have these two realities actually start to merge into one reality. And the one reality is that actually what this has revealed is that he is not perfect for you. What this has Revealed is that despite having had wonderful times with this person, which I'm sure you did, I'm sure you can think of many good memories in the relationship. There was a real disconnect between the way you have been feeling and the way they have been feeling. And accepting that they have been living in a very different reality than the one you've been living in is actually a big part of the healing. It's one of the most painful parts because it involves a kind of rewriting of some of that history. At the very least, it involves us realizing, oh my God, I was occupying a different planet than you were. I was on planet. Aren't we so happy? And you were on planet. I'm constantly questioning this and I'm wondering, when's the best time to break up with you. That can feel intensely painful. It can even feel intensely embarrassing that. What was I. What? I was living in a dream. I was just. I was on my own. I thought we were together in this and I was having all of these thoughts and all of these feelings on my own. That's one of the most painful experiences we can go through. But when we realize that it beyond the initial pain of that realization, it actually gets easier because now we can stop thinking of this person as the love of our life. You can't be the love of my life. If while I was living in this romantic vision of what we were, you were wondering when to make your exit, that means the most romantic part of this relationship was actually me. I was the real love story of this relationship. The way I'm able to love was the real love story of this relationship. I am trying to get into the habit of bringing you things that I actually use and love in my daily life. So there is something I want to tell you about that I truly could not live without. My big ass calendar. An oversized wall calendar that you can see behind me if you're watching the video of this that you can use to both plan and visualize your entire year. I am someone who likes to reach the end of a year knowing that I trul lived. Whether that's travel, hitting work goals, or spending quality time with people I love. But for a long time, I was great at planning my days and my weeks, but not my year. And that's because I never had a tool that let me see the whole year in one place. This calendar changed that. It goes up on your wall and shows your entire year at a glance. And I am a visual person. So this changed the game for me. Now every time I need to say yes or no to something. I just over to my big ass calendar and I check it. I don't double book by mistake. I'm not overloading myself and I see the parts of my year where I'm going to need a break. It even comes with color coded pens and stickers. Audrey loves it because you can make it look really pretty. It is like scrapbooking except you're designing your life over the next year. It doesn't matter if your year hasn't quite gone the way that you wanted it to. So far this calendar gives you the chance to hit reset and create your ideal year going forward. And right now they have also released a mid year version which starts in July which is perfect for that reset. Go to thebigarscalendar.com and use my code Love Life for 10% off all of their products, including their planners and a smaller version of the big ass calendar. If you don't have space. I promise you once you try this, you will be buying one every single year from now on. The same way Audrey and I do. We. We run our lives on this calendar. I've also gifted it to about nine people in my life so far. The link again is the big ass calendar.com and make sure you use the discount code love life for 10% off. Someone once said to me, and I thought it was so powerful, I was going through a very bad heartbreak. And they said to me, matthew, you have to remember that you saw the best of yourself in that relationship. And that doesn't mean I didn't do anything wrong. And it doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes or that my love didn't make me act out in ways that I'm not proud of and would have done differently if I was more secure in that moment. But. But the part of me that was able to love that intensely, that purely the part of me that was able to give that much or fall that hard is one of the most beautiful parts of me. That's the part of us that we want to protect. And there's a world where we are both, where we become proud of ourselves, proud of that part of us that was able to love in that way and simultaneously realize that it was pointed at the wrong person. We didn't know it at the time, or maybe we did a little bit. Maybe some part of us did sense something. But even if we didn't, we have come to realize that that beautiful part of us, all that energy, all of that love was pointed at someone who ultimately ended up being the wrong person for it. And more than that, it's now pointed at someone who's behaving with total indifference towards us, even irritability at the idea that we are struggling to let go of this beautiful, beautiful thing that we thought we had. And when you realize that, you can start to realize that, oh, this person doesn't deserve this part of me. The question is not how do I let this person go who's the love of my life, who's perfect for me? No, the. The point becomes this person does not deserve all of this from me. Someone who doesn't value me, someone who shows such indifference towards me, someone who doesn't want to be on this path with me does not deserve this part of me. And someone out there does. And to your point about, you know, I gave him everything. You know, he saw my true colors and values and efforts and wants nothing to do with me. It's extremely easy to take that as a kind of a true, damning conclusion about our own worth. That must mean I'm. I'm worth nothing. If someone can be the closest person to me and see everything I have to give and everything that I am on the deepest level and reject that, that is an ultimate rejection. It's the ultimate rejection. It's tempting to think that way, but it's actually not true. The reason this person left can have many different origins. It could be to do with where they're at in their life. It could be to do with what they think they want right now, which may or may not be something that ends up making them happy. Have you ever wanted something really, really badly and told yourself, this is the answer? I need. I don't want this job. I need a job like this. And then you got that job, and it made you even less happy. Well, you thought, I know what I need to do. I need to move to this country. And then you moved there, and it didn't make you happy at all. Or you moved to five different countries and you came to realize that none of these countries made you happy. None of these cities were suddenly this paradise that you thought it would be. Because the reality was you were continually running from something, hoping that you were going to find a different experience when you got there, not realizing that the unhappiness was coming from within someone. Someone being with you and getting everything from you and then taking it for granted can have far more to do with their value system or their idea about what's going to make them happy that they don't even know for sure is true than it has to do with your value. But what is true is that you can't be around people in life who take what you have to give for granted. That has to be the role. I cannot be around people, friends, partners, especially the person we're going to spend our life with, who do not value and who take for granted who I am and what I have to offer and what I have offered. That's the real story here. It is not a story of how you have no value is a story that of how this person has ceased to have any value for you and no longer deserves this canon of love that you have pointed at them because you've convinced yourself that this is the perfect person. What you now have to do is reason with the part of you that thinks that, understand that this is an old script, that this person is speaking from another time and another mindset. But they keep saying the same words, not realizing that these words are now well and truly out of date and the wiser, larger part of you now has to reason with that person and let them know that the story has changed and needs to comfort them in knowing that a better story awaits. Leave me a comment on this video before you go. I love hearing from you. And by the way, if you're watching this and you really want to find love and you see other people around you pairing off and finding what you've been looking for for a long time and you're feeling like, when's it going to be my turn? How might I be getting in my own way? Is there something I'm doing to sabotage my chances in this area? How can I finally find what I'm looking for? I am going to be helping people uncover their deeper patterns, understand their blind spots, and find what they're looking for. This October at my retreat. If you haven't got a ticket yet, you can get your tickets@mhretreat.com and don't worry if you can't make it to be there in person. In Miami with us, there is a virtual ticket that means you can participate in this event and get the content from it from wherever you are in the world. Go check it out@mhretreat.com grab your tickets and I can't wait to see those of you who are coming.