Why Great Sex Begins with Quality REM Sleep

When we start having sleep problems, we need to identify, like, why. Why are we having problems sleeping? And ironically, with sex, a lot of people don't necessarily connect the two. That lack of not just sleep, but deep-quality REM sleep is much more than just an activity that we do. It affects how we are biologically created and our ability to bond and have intimacy. So this is where our bonding mechanisms take place, is during REM sleep. But when we get in the bedroom— It's time to bond. Time to look up here. How's your rest? Not just sleep, but your rest. You're not breathing. If your brain and your heart is not getting oxygen at night, guess what else is not getting oxygen? And that's what happens. Those small vessels in the penis are losing oxygen, so they die. It's just like anything else with sleep apnea. During REM sleep is when those growth hormones are released. We hear this all the time, right? But we never really kind of put it together. Growth hormone is testosterone, estrogen. So we know that for a fact, that's when That's when our emotional processes are optimized. Those networks, those interlying networks of everything that happens, those good, those bad things, that's when we process all of that, during REM sleep. I think one of the big myths potentially is that erectile dysfunction is due to lack of testosterone or it's due to stress or your physical aging. That's not necessarily the case. It could just be due to sleep apnea. For women, same thing. I'm experiencing— they may be experiencing vaginal dryness or they're They're just not motivated to have sex again. What's your rest look like? What's your sleep look like? We actually do have Ask tests that we send out, and we measure those neurotransmitters, and we figure out, is this the issue?

Welcome back to Sleep Reimagined. And with Valentine's Day right around the corner, today we're diving into something that most people never really connect to sleep— their desire, intimacy, and sexual health. And Nyree is going to dive into why great sex actually starts in your sleep and the brain science behind better sex. So cheers! Hi, Nyree.

Hey, Layla, to good sleep and better sex.

Cheers!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy early Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day.

So this is such a good conversation, and I think that a lot of people really don't think about great sex being tied to good sleep. Absolutely. So let's dive into it. So Nyree, when people think about libido or intimacy issues, I feel like sleep is usually the last thing to blame, last thing that may even come to mind, but Why should sleep actually maybe be one of the first places we really look?

The beauty behind sleep is that because it's a biological necessity, we often see sleep being affected as a secondary effect. And this is really all-encompassing, whether it's sex, you know, problems, life, you know, experiences, it doesn't matter. Like our emotions are closely, closely tied To REM sleep. And so when we start having sleep problems, we need to identify like, why, why are we having problems sleeping? And ironically with sex, a lot of people don't necessarily connect the two. That lack of not just sleep, but deep quality REM sleep is much more than just an activity that we do. It affects how we are biologically created and our ability to bond. And have intimacy. So this is where our bonding mechanisms take place is during REM sleep.

That's so interesting. I think that, like we said, it's something that would never really cross your mind at all. So it is so interesting to hear that. And I know you, you often say that libido actually lives in the brain. Well, it does live in the brain and not the body. So can you kind of explain a little bit about how the brain controls your desire and your intimacy?

Absolutely. So if fundamentally, and this is just us still being animals of this planet, fundamentally we've gotta feel safe. You know, we have 2 mech— mechanisms, fight or flight, sympathetic and parasympathetic, and sex kind of borders on both of them, but it's, it's, it, it, for lack of a better word, it kind of congregate— congregates all of our emotions.

Mm-hmm.

So specifically with sex, you know, there's, there's 4 main neurotransmitters or hormones I like to identify with sex specifically. And just to keep the basics, again, I consider myself a clinical sleep scientist and a brain health specialist. And for that reason, we look at sleep from a neurological perspective for brain health. So with that being said, when it comes to sleep and sex, We definitely look at dopamine, our happy motivating neurotransmitter, testosterone for men, estrogen for women, and progesterone for women. But there's another one that is often overlooked, cortisol, right? So when those different neurotransmitters and hormones come into play and it's time to play, you know, how do they all fit into the big picture?

Right.

You know, so when we say libido lives in our brains, how many times have we said as women, oh, I just don't feel like it, right? It's a lot more than I don't feel like it. Why don't you feel like it? This is the man of your life. You may be married to him. Yeah, you know him, but he's comfortable and he's safe.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you feel like it? So again, sleep is a secondary effect of something we maybe need to look in deeper in our brains.

Absolutely. And we talk about sleep and getting good sleep and things like that, but what, you know, we talk about REM sleep specifically so often, but what exactly is REM sleep and why is it so critical specifically for sexual health and emotional bonding?

Absolutely. So REM sleep stands for rapid eye movement. Um, the idea is that when we see brainwaves, when we get into REM sleep, our eyes do this fluttering thing. And just historically, you know, prior to our devices and our monitors and our equipment, they actually just looked at rapid eye movement to determine when we're in REM sleep. So rapid eye movement, but more specifically, this is where our emotions become processed. This is when we just kind of go through a download of today's events. This is where emotional processing occurs. This is where growth hormone is escalated, and this is when we actually regulate and restore our brain chemicals tied to desire, sex, and love.

It is so interesting that there's so much that goes into sleep, cuz for the average person, they think they're going to sleep, they're shutting down, they're not thinking about what actually happens while they're sleeping. And I know everyone kind of probably has said this or heard this at some point, but most people will say, or feel like they might sleep better after sex. So what's actually happening in the brain and the nervous system when that actually occurs?

Yeah, it's actually such a beautiful thing that occurs because from a neurological perspective, right, and it's a, it's a parasympathetic mode. This is our flight, this is our relax, this is the time when the dopamine, our motivating hormones, are released. This is when oxytocin is released. This is when prolactin— we think of prolactin with babies and mothers, but this is also important actually when the nipples and the uterus are stimulated, when prolactin is released and we have that bonding mechanism with our partner. So there's so many. And for men, you know, testosterone, their oxytocin shows up as vasopressin, and this is their bonding hormone. So even guys like to cuddle afterwards. Why is that? Because after sex, this is when they're at the highest levels. And so that's when it becomes important. And that's why sleep is such a detrimental impact to this. If men don't have proper testosterone levels because they're not sleeping and women don't have proper estrogen levels when— because they're not sleeping, you know, things occur and that bonding is broken. And, you know, sometimes we look at it as like, oh, I'm, you know, I want to, like, my testosterone levels are good. But I'm just still not interested, right? Because you have to remember it's a system. It's not a one and done. No one is exclusive, but we have fight hormones, we have flight hormones, we have neurotransmitters, and they all work together to suppress or elevate or balance.

And I think talking about that a little bit and with your partners, it can be frustrating to your partner if You know, someone feels like they're not in the mood or their libido's low or they're not feeling the same way their partner is. And if someone does have low libido, or at what point should low libido actually be seen as a warning sign of sleep deprivation more so than a relationship issue or a hormonal issue?

Again, it's both. You know, I don't, I don't want to— I think like, you know, we said at the beginning, No one looks at sleep as a, as an effect of why we have low libido, why our sex drive, why our motivation just to have sex isn't there. You know, even for women, you know, they start in addition to experiencing lower estrogen that creates vaginal dryness that makes their libido go lower. Could it just be something as simple as I'm not getting the proper rest?

Mm-hmm.

Same thing for men. I love her, I'm attracted to her, but I just don't understand why I can't get it up.

Mm-hmm.

Right? It could be erectile dysfunction due to sleep apnea. You know, this is very big among our men who don't think about, you know, they think it's an age thing. No, I'm not cosigning that. It's not necessarily an age thing. It could be sleep apnea. And if you don't have a sleep partner, you don't know that you stop breathing at night, right? So there's so many other factors when now, like I said, When your sleep is affected, and this is across the board, not just for sex, when your sleep is affected, you gotta dive deep because that's a secondary effect to something else primary. Find the root cause. And so yes, communication is definitely, you know, a big thing. I'm not a sex therapist. I'm just saying from a neurological perspective.

Yeah.

You could go to therapy, you know, you could have the same, we talk, we communicate, we go out, we hang out, But when we get in the bedroom, hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It's time to look up here. How's your rest? Not just sleep, but your rest. And that's what, you know, we have to step back and look at. And that's what we do at ProSomni Sleep Health and Wellness. We actually do run neurotransmitter tests in addition to hormonal tests. So, you know, testosterone, estrogenal hormones.

Mm-hmm.

But we also look at the neurotransmitters. Do you have high cortisol? Do you have high serotonin? Where's your glutamate? Where's your GABA? How does all this come into play? Remember, it's a system. So we take a look at the other issues within that system and we try to identify, is this really a REM sleep issue? If it is, we will definitely bring you in and get you some revolution— resolution, you know, with a prosomnious sleep therapy if you're, if you're able.

And that is such a good point to bring up and It's amazing that you can figure that out and help people figure that out because beyond this, when people don't think about sleep, they might assume maybe they're depressed or assume all these other factors. And I think depression's probably one of those that also your cortisol's affected when you're depressed and there's all this biological things going on and sleep would never really come to the thought process. It might, you might lose sleep thinking about it quite honestly.

Yeah.

And feel that stress at night, which Absolutely. So yeah, yeah.

And it's, and it's definitely, you know, we're— look, call it what you will, I'm a huge advocate personally. Like, sex is a form of communication. You need that in a relationship. And if, if, if you're asleep, if you're too tired and you're too sleepy— and not for nothing, Layla, I mean, let's talk about it, right? Women are big on this. Like, okay, I'm tired, I don't feel like it, I'm tired. That's not an excuse. Right. That's—

I'm just—

I'm not, I'm not cosigning that. That is not an excuse. And from here moving forward, if you're tired, deal with it. If you're tired, call me. Like, let's fix that. That's not fair to your husband, your mate, your significant other, whatever. Like, that sex is a form of communication. And if it's affected by your rest, not just your sleep, we need to talk about it. Mm-hmm. You know, and, and that's one of our premises, like, I'm not saying we're gonna fix your sex life, but we're definitely gonna look at sleep from a neurological perspective and how that might come into play. Your estrogen, your hormones, for men as well, your testosterone, they, they have their own issues as well. You know, nobody's talking about, okay, again, telling my business, but I'm in that age group.

Mm-hmm.

I'm meeting men between the ages of 50s and 60s who are single guys who don't realize they have sleep apnea. But when they can't get it up, they don't think about sleep. It's, oh, I need some Viagra. I'm getting older. No, no.

Yeah.

You can't sleep, you're not breathing. If your brain and your heart is not getting oxygen at night, guess what else is not getting oxygen? And that's what happens. Those small vessels in the penis are losing oxygen, so they die. It's just like anything else with sleep apnea. And that is the importance that you get to the bottom of it at, uh, you know, ahead of it. And so again, we offer sleep apnea tests to everybody. Like, let's, let's figure out, is this, is this the problem? Nobody thinks about sleep and erectile dysfunction.

Oh, I had no idea that sleep apnea had anything to do with it.

Absolutely. 1,000%. 1,000%. It's not just your fingers and your toes and your memory loss. It's your penis, like their penis. Like it's, it's for real. Nobody's talking about that. That's what happens with sleep apnea. And when you, you hear about it, you know, specific, you hear more so about it with diabetes, right?

Mm-hmm.

You know, the loss of fingers and toes, um, due to lack of circulation. You know, just from a foundational standpoint, a glucose molecule is very large. So when it gets into those small blood vessels, it blocks it. So if it's not getting blood, it's not getting oxygen.

Mm-hmm.

So they start to die and die and die. But what else also prevents them from getting oxygen is sleep apnea. So if that proper oxygenation throughout the night, because you're snoring or, you know, you're overweight and testosterone is low and things happen, guess what else is gonna go down?

So, and it's so interesting hearing and hearing this for the first time ever, right? I've never heard that, but. And I don't know too much about sleep apnea, but I know that it's common for people that are overweight as well. Not always, but some people that are overweight do suffer from sleep apnea. And I feel like if they have low sex drive or low libido, they'll probably assume it's, oh, I'm overweight, or I'm insecure, I'm not comfortable in my body, or I'm out of energy because I feel heavier or, or whatnot. So.

Right.

It's interesting.

This is, this is, this is absolutely part of our mission to educate people on sleep. We, again, you know, I say this in every episode, there's 2 things we were never taught, you know, finances and sleep. That's sleep all day. Okay. And part of that is, you know, our inability to understand what actually happens in our bodies physiologically and neurophysiologically when we can't not just sleep, rest. It is such an important perspective of us being humans. We need to let our bodies and our minds rest. But in the sense of sleep apnea, when we gain weight, remember, every sleep is a secondary effect of everything. It's a domino effect, right?

Mm-hmm.

So it's like, okay, fine, we gain weight, then we have sleep apnea, right? That sleep apnea is from the weight. We don't— we gain weight everywhere. Our airways are included. Our necks get this big. We should always be able to do this at all times. If it's a problem, it's time to— you got it, girl. You're fine.

Got it.

You good. You good. But when you can't do that anymore, you need to start thinking about sleep apnea because you're collapsing your airways. Your tongue gains weight. Your chin gains weight. Your cheek gains weight. Everything collapses. That's more weight, more weight. Now you have sleep apnea. Now you can't breathe at night. Now you're losing oxygen. Now you can't remember. Now you have daytime sleepiness. Now you have erectile dysfunction. Like, it's just, it's this terrible cycle. And again, when we're not motivated to have sex, what? Let's bring it back. It's a problem. There's a problem somewhere we need to evaluate. Let's look at our sleep.

Absolutely. Even like talking about good sleep and poor sleep, but, and REM sleep specifically, but how does poor sleep or especially lack of REM sleep actually disrupt your hormones? For example, like testosterone and estrogen and also neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin.

Absolutely. So during REM sleep is when those growth hormones are released. We hear this all the time. Right? But we never really kind of put it together. A growth hormone is testosterone, estrogen. So we know that for a fact. That's when it's released. That's when our emotional processes are optimized. Those networks, those interlying networks of everything that happened to those good, that those bad things, that's when we process all of that during REM sleep. So if that's fragmented, Our ability to release oxytocin that binds us to our partner, our ability to release vasopressin for men that binds us to our partner, prolactin, dopamine—all those feel-good hormones during sex—are minimized or declined because we can't rest. Right? And so that's why. prosomnia, sleep, we look at neurotransmitters. Where are your neurotransmitters? And I don't just talk about the good sex hormones. Where's your serotonin? That depresses those hormones. Where's your cortisol? Where's your acetylcholine? Because ultimately, and we know as women, if we don't feel safe, we're not going to have a good sexual experience. So it's a network. It's all at play. It's not just about Not being able to go to sleep at night. It's about what's happening in our brains and how we connect with our partners.

Absolutely. Yeah, we kind of touched on it earlier about having low sex drive or, um, depression playing a part in that, right? So people that, you know, a lot of people are on either sleep medications or antidepressants, but how do those medications really affect REM sleep and sexual function?

I really think I need to put some sort of disclaimer out before I say this.

Mm-hmm.

I am not pro or against, you know, depressants, medications, sleep medications, but they do minimize our ability to have great sexual experiences. It does affect us neurologically. There's nothing, again, like a, a, a huge, um, antidepressant, they call 'em SSRIs, uh, serotonin selective receptor inhibitors, right? The idea is to amplify our serotonin to make us more mentally healthy or balanced. However, the consequence of that in that fine print, which they told you, so it's not really like they didn't tell you. It's just you will see that a lot of times. I see that a lot of times. A lot of our patients are mistakenly diagnosed with depression Or some other mental health issue because they have the ability, the inability to get quality REM sleep. So they're put on antidepressants, which are usually these blocking type of medications that block our ability to release dopamine, estrogen, GABA, all the important sleep hormones and neurotransmitters necessary To get into REM sleep, which again, it's a network that thereby inhibit our ability to have fulfilling sexual relationships.

Absolutely. And I don't know much about antidepressants or anything. Disclaimer also, I am not, you know, medically, you know, educated in that way at all. But I think that is something that is common when people do go on antidepressants. I think that's one of the things. Absolutely. Talked about the most and yeah, people struggle with, with being on, um, antidepressants and maybe—

Yeah. And it's important to balance both. It's not like, you know, one's better than the other. You know, I think you have great sex, you have great mental health, but you know, sometimes that's not always the case. But you know, the, the, you know, objective is to optimize that, you know, and balance out the, you know, the side effects of that medication that some people do need. But that's also, we do medication management and personality, sleep, health, and wellness for that reason. You know, same thing with sleep medications. A lot of sleep medications sedate, but just because they sedate does not mean they restore and provide the optimum restorative benefits of REM sleep. So again, that's why we definitely, we, you know, we promote we're not sedation, we're restoration. You know, for our person-centered sleep therapy, that's what we definitely focus on to get people the restorative benefits of REM sleep, not just put you in a REM sleep, get you the restorative benefits of balancing out those neurotransmitters that are important, um, during, you know, sex.

And that is so interesting too, because when I touch on antidepressants, I feel like people talk about that more so than sleep medication.

Right.

You know, I've taken an over-the-counter, uh, like NyQuil or, you know, the, and it's basically what you said. It is like a sedative. Like it knocks you out, but you don't particularly wake up feeling rested. You might wake up actually feeling groggier or even more tired.

It's doing what it is supposed to do. It, the disclaimer didn't lie. Mm-hmm. But that doesn't mean it's helpful. You know, I'm still don't feel connected to my partner. I still don't wanna have sex cuz I'm sleepy as hell. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, we have fundamental requirements. Sleep supersedes sex. I'm sorry. That's the reality of it. If I'm tired, you know, we— maybe I'm tired. Like, no, but, but okay, once or twice, fine. But we really have to talk about what's really going on. You're only gonna be sedated for so long before your relationship starts breaking down. You know what I mean? So at some point we gotta talk about this.

Absolutely. And we were talking about sleep apnea earlier, but sleep apnea isn't just something people usually associate with sex, like we said. But how does sleep apnea really quietly destroy intimacy in both men and women?

Absolutely. And you know, I, I, uh, directed, you know, specifically towards men and erectile dysfunction. You know, when you are, when you stop breathing at night, your oxygen, excuse me, when you stop breathing at night, your oxygen saturation goes down. When your, your blood oxygen saturation goes down, the whole purpose of your blood is to deliver oxygen to all those organs, right? Your blood, your heart, your kidneys, and your penis, right? So if that's not getting oxygen, And, you know, a man starts experiencing erectile dysfunction, you know, his partner might wanna consider like, does he snore at night? Does he stop breathing? You know, these are real side effects and consequences of sleep apnea. So, hey, give us a call. We got sleep apnea exams all day long.

Mm-hmm.

You know, we can send it to their house, get a sleep apnea exam, figure out what's going on. If that's the case, then we'll do some proactive measures To minimize the sleep apnea, and then you can deal with the erectile dysfunction going later. Mm-hmm. With women not getting into REM sleep, estrogen for us, you know, is the oxytocin, our ability to bond. If we're not getting into REM sleep, we don't, we lose that ability. You know, I've been with this man for 20-something years. Okay, fine. But no, you know, same thing. It decreases estrogen. You know, those growth hormones aren't released. as much as they used to. And then naturally as age, you know, progression, menopause, we always hear, oh, she's in her 50s, she's dry, or she's got, you know, vaginal dryness or whatever.

Mm-hmm.

That's a consequence of estrogen, then that's true. However, is it a situation that your estrogen is low because you're not getting quality rest? You know, let's not add to the problem. You know, let's make sure, you know, we hit all the dots. Before we start reaching for hormone replacement therapy. And that also includes our metabolic dysregulations start occurring, right? Let's acknowledge our weight gain. We ain't cute like we used to be. All right, let's talk about it because it's not just about gaining weight. It's also for women, obstructive sleep apnea. It's not cute to be snoring louder than your man. You know what I mean? I'm sorry to say, call it what you will, but that's reality.

Girl.

You know what I'm saying? He only wants to snore, ladies. So, uh, exactly. When we start gaining weight, you know, all those muscles start relaxing, our airways relax on top of putting weight, same issue, right? And then it's like, ugh, you know, she's snoring louder than me. I think I'm gonna go sleep on the couch, you know, and see what's going on, you know, on SportsCenter, and I'm gonna fall asleep. So now he's sleeping on the couch because you snore louder than he does. Now it's not one night, it's a week, it's a month, and he's a man, you're a woman, you still have your needs, and, but neither one of y'all sleep together. You know, so we've lost the ability to bond in bed. We don't have sex like we used to, and we're snoring each other out the house and we're not getting quality sleep.

Mm-hmm.

Right? There's a thing, there's a real thing called sleep divorce. When you sleep in the other room because you or your man are— is too loud because I gotta get up and go to work in the morning and I can't sleep with you sounding like that because you don't wanna get any help and call for insomnia sleep. It's real. Yeah.

Right?

It is real. And so, yeah, get some help. There's help out there for it. You know, so, you know, don't think like you gotta wait till you go to the doctor. Pick up the phone, call us. 954-852-4554. It doesn't have to be like this.

There you go. And we'll make sure to include that in the show notes too. It's just, it's so interesting because I don't think, like we talked about it, people don't equate sleep with that, but that's super common for people to eventually not be able to be compatible while they sleep for whatever reason it is, mostly sleep apnea and snoring. And people would usually assume that it's health related, it's weight related, it's all these things and not ever think about it being sleep related.

Mm-hmm.

So I think it's really important for people To hear that, because I don't think people particularly want to sleep in different rooms.

No, no, absolutely not. And it's not healthy. You know, when people— I don't know if people realize, but when you sleep together, you and your partner, your heart rates synchronize. You know, it's such a beautiful thing. You know, that bonding. You know, men bond just like women do. It's a beautiful thing. This is what we're supposed to do. But when we have sleep issues, you know, when we have too much stress, Too high cortisol, too low estrogen, whatever, like whatever the situation is, you know, sleep is a secondary effect. We gotta figure out what the root cause is.

Absolutely. And talking about men and women and how things are processing for each gender, do men and women experience the impact of poor REM sleep on intimacy differently in different ways?

Absolutely. So with, with women, like I said, we have estrogen. And with that, we have the bonding. You know, we're big on the prolactin and the oxytocin, right? Those are really, those are by like, they simultaneously work with estrogen. So if estrogen drops, progesterone, oxytocin drops. And same thing for men, the counterpart to that, testosterone and vasopressin. For them, it's a bonding. It's that aggression. It's that protective. They wanna be safe. They wanna be, they want to provide safety, you know, and women want to prov— you know, feel safe. So it's, it's a give and take thing, and our neurotransmitters are completely compatible for those 2 states.

Right.

Right? But when those are dysregulated or outta order, you know, we need to kind of, as a couple, How's your sleep? How— when was the last time you asked your partner, how's your sleep? Like, other than, you know, I hear him snoring at night, are you coming? Or, and vice versa, he's hitting you or knocking you over, whatever. You know, we need to take responsibility as a couple for each other's rest, right? How are you resting? How— what's going on up here? You know, what's go— are you cranky at work? What's going on? And some— I need to know what's going on with my partner at work. Because what's gonna happen? He's gonna bring that home. He's gonna bring that into the bed. Babe, what's wrong? Oh, I got too much on my mind. I can't right now. Wait, what? Like, you've been doing this a lot. Like, is it me?

Mm-hmm.

You see how this domino effect can just kind of— because they're not resting. And I'm not saying you're not gonna have stress, you're not gonna have issues, but if you're not resting and you're getting your, your clear brain, you're consolidating, you're letting your mind rest. And your emotions regulate. You know, this is all part of it. It's not a one and done. They're not exclusive. They're mutually exclusive. You know, so that's what we really need to start looking at.

Absolutely. And we've talked a lot about physical intimacy, right? But beyond physical intimacy, how does REM sleep really influence emotional safety and bonding and the connection in relationships?

You know, we see it a lot when, you know, you'll see a couple and they're together and, you know, that honeymoon phase, right? When you first meet somebody, it's like you're inseparable. It's like you can't get enough of each other. You know, that's all part of it. That's all that, you know, ironically, all those, the oxytocin and the vasopressin and the dopamine, all that actually supersedes your prefrontal cortex. You ever notice how when you fall in love, you get stupid? Beyoncé, Crazy in Love. You don't know what, you know, that whole temporary, it's all that. It's those neurotransmitters rushing, flooding your prefrontal cortex, your logic, your friends and your family are telling you, oh, I don't know about this one. It doesn't matter. I love him. You know, all that, right?

Right.

And that's a beautiful thing. That's neurotransmitters. That's all those coming into play. And all those are important when you're having sex. Those come in, that protection, that safety. You know, he's the bad guy, but he makes you feel safe, right? And at the end of the day, that's what it's about. If you're not in a safe, an emotional safe relationship, you're not gonna have great sex. And all that happens during REM sleep. Our emotional regulation and our ability and our, our stability comes into place during REM sleep.

Mm-hmm.

And we have to give our minds the opportunity to compartmentalize all those different emotions that we have with these relationships and with sex. So if you're not getting that and that's fragmented or it's cut off, you're not able to achieve that. You're also not able to achieve those heightened, beautiful moments of a sexual relationship.

Absolutely. And I'm sure some, a lot of people are listening now who this is resonating with, right? So yeah. For someone who is listening who feels maybe disconnected from their partner or disconnected from their own sex life in general, or has maybe felt like they've lost desire, how would you kind of reframe what they're experiencing from a brain health perspective?

Absolutely. So, so look at it like, are you getting rest? Are you less tolerable? So, you know, another thing with vasopressin and, and oxytocin, it's that We become more tolerable of our partners. You know, when we have sex and we release those hormones and those neurotransmitters, you know, it's like, okay, fine. You know, it's always makeup sex, right?

Right.

And that's part of it. It's like, okay, fine. You know, I forgive you. We reconnect, we rebond, we reprocess, you know, and we become one, as you will say again, because we reregulate, right? And if we're not rested, We don't have the mental capability to do that. We're just too tired. Like, that's the last thing on our minds. So then you shut out your partner without fully even understanding why. Looking at, you know, am I cranky? Have I rested? Am I only moving off of 3 hours of sleep? That's not their fault. That's your fault. Yeah. You know, you need to be responsible for getting proper rest and having the emotional proper regulation for your partner. That's part of a healthy relationship, you know, and sex is part of that. That's when it's released. You know, you become more forgiving, you become more tolerable. You know, when you can get into REM sleep and have a quality sexual, sexually healthy relationship, you know, you have, you're stressed. Okay, fine. Stress management. You're overloaded. No problem. Talk to your partner. You know, that's also part of it, knowing that you have a safe space, an emotionally Safe space to talk about other things besides sex. You know, life is hard. That's a life partner. That's what it's supposed to be about. And rest is part of that. We need to let our minds rest and regulate and reset. That's the importance of REM sleep in a healthy relationship.

Absolutely. And we talk about low libido and things like that, and we focus a lot on, on partnership too, but you even said, for example, being out there and Meeting guys and dating and things like that and looking for a partner. Single people are probably having the same issues. Like you said, without a sleep partner, you might not realize it. Absolutely. So it's interesting too that you're bringing awareness to that as a whole too, that maybe single people with sleep apnea might be able to reflect now and think, oh, maybe this is affecting more in my life in different ways that You know, maybe come up into that.

Yeah. Daytime sleepiness is not okay. You know, being too tired to have sex is cause for concern. Sex is great. Dopamine does everything. It's fantastic. Enjoy it. But if you're not, you know, it might be time to consider why. Am I getting proper rest? What are, you know, am I on other medications that may be affecting that? Like, is the stress at work really bothering me much more than I would like to think so? You know, in reference to our other episode, look at your wearable device if you have one.

Okay.

You know, is your, is your blood oxygen level going down? Are there gaps in your sleep that your watch is not picking up? It is time to give ProSomnia Sleep a call. You know, let us help you. Let us help you navigate through that. This is all we do is talk to people about sleep and their rest and how that affects the other areas of their life. So definitely REM sleep is absolutely an important, important part of sexual health and brain health.

Absolutely. And talking about insomnia, you've developed insomnia sleep therapy or PST for short, but how does restoring REM sleep actually help people regain desire and balance their hormones and Really truly feel connected again.

So at ProSomnia Sleep Health and Wellness, we have what's called the only ProSomnia Sleep Therapy, PSTX, that you referred to it. What we do is we use anesthesia to induce natural restorative REM sleep and reset neurological health. And not only do we do that, and the benefits of restorative REM So once you wake up, it's that, oh my God, this is the best sleep I've ever had, because we release adenosine sleep pressure, dopamine. We try to reset testosterone and estrogen and prolactin. And those are all the neurotransmitters we look for when you come to Prosomnia and get Prosomnia Sleep Therapy. We help you regulate those. It's not a one and done. This is a therapy. This has been a long-term issue or side effect or whatever, but this is all we do. We only do sleep. We don't, we don't do butts, babies, or toes, but we absolutely do sleep all day long. And we help you kind of navigate through that process of getting natural restorative REM sleep on your own.

Absolutely. And if someone is listening now, And realizing that their intimacy struggles may actually be sleep-related or a sleep problem, what are the first steps that they should really start taking even as early as today?

Like I said, first and foremost, take personal accountability. You know, it is absolutely your responsibility. And as a partner, if you even suspect that your partner may have a sleep problem, help them. Call, make an appointment, get an initial consultation. I'll talk to both of you. You know, we'll talk about it. We'll dive deep. Who else can you go to to talk about rest and sexual health, right?

Mm-hmm.

We're here for it. And I say that because ultimately we gotta find the root cause. Sleep is a secondary effect of something. What's going on? Is it, is it stress at work? Is it natural metabolic decline in certain hormones? What is it? And you know, it's not a bad thing. This is just the natural course of life. And first and foremost, take personal accountability. Are you tired? Are you getting quality REM sleep? Are you— I know you're sleeping, but are you getting quality REM sleep? Do you have daytime sleepiness? Do you lay in bed but still don't feel rested? You know, and then talk to your partner. If you can't talk to your partner, call us 1,000%. Because if you're not getting quality rest, you're not getting the restorative benefits. Of restorative REM sleep. Absolutely.

And talking about this, I think that there's so many myths, right? So, or misunderstanding or lack of knowledge around REM sleep and also sexual health. But what's one myth about sleep and sex that you just wish would disappear?

Ooh, that's a good question. Mm-hmm. I don't know because I think, you know, people just usually just like You knock out. I mean, if it's at night, right? That's another thing. Like, you know, if you knock out, 1000%, it was a great, great time. Um, I don't know if there's necessarily any myths, but what I can definitely say is you definitely sleep good after sex.

Mm-hmm.

Um, good sleep is great sex. You know, we're, we're great promot— promoters on that. Um, another thing, like I said, to just circle back to the importance of Making sure you're getting quality REM sleep and/or identifying if you have sleep apnea. I think one of the big myths, especially with older men over the age of, you know, 50 potentially, is that erectile dysfunction is due to lack of testosterone or it's due to stress or your physical aging. That's not necessarily the case. It could just be due to sleep apnea. Erectile dysfunction is absolutely a side effect of sleep apnea. And for women, same thing. I'm experiencing, you know, they may be experiencing, you know, vaginal dryness or they're just not motivated to have sex again. What's your rest look like? What's your sleep look like? Because that's all a part of it. It's not just your estrogen. Again, it's why is your estrogen going down? Is your estrogen going down because you're not getting quality REM sleep? Let's talk about it. Mm-hmm. You know, we actually do have, um, tests that we send out and we measure those neurotransmitters and we figure out, is this the issue? You know, you can go to therapy, sex therapy, you know, all of that. But why? Is it really because you're not getting rest at night? Let's talk about it.

Absolutely. And I think what stands out the most to me with this episode is that intimacy isn't just about desire. It's actually about feeling safe, feeling present, being connected. And those foundations, as you taught us today, are all built during REM sleep. So if anyone's feeling disconnected, it may not be about trying harder. It may just be about sleeping better.

Amen. I love that.

So, thank you so much. I'm Thank you for really helping us understand how protecting our sleep actually protects our relationships. And absolutely, yeah, for helping us really reimagine intimacy through the lens of brain health. I think I learned so much from this and it's changed my perspective on a lot. So I'm sure a lot of people are going to take a lot from this conversation. So thanks for really showing us what we may have never known and through Absolutely.

I love it. Well, Layla, thank you so much. Happy Valentine's Day to good sleep and great sex.

Cheers.

Till next time, stay rested, my friend.

Stay rested. Talk to you soon.