A New Life Podcast Are You A Codependent Part 2

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean.

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Before we get started, I want to highlight my newest, most favorite philanthropy and nonprofit organization and it is the Demand Project. The Demand Project exists to eradicate sex trafficking, online pedophilia as well as restore victims and create survivors of sex trafficking. If you have $25 extra per month to give to donate to Save a Life to restore a Soul, go to thedemandproject.org and look into how you can become part of the solution to an ever growing epidemic in this country. The Demand Project is one of those organizations that once you attach yourself to, you will never be able to walk away from. It is an incred organization. We hosted Kristen Wise a couple of weeks ago on our podcast and she filled us in on the Demand Project and its mission. If you missed that, go back and listen to that episode and it'll answer all the questions that you have. So if you can spare giving up a coffee every once a week, that that five to seven dollar coffee that you buy yourself, if you're willing to give that up each week and donate to the Demand can be part of the solution and you can help restore the soul of a victim and turn them into a survivor. So think about that. I also want to highlight my self care mastery course, creating a new life for yourself and learning how to love yourself from the inside out. If you'd like more information, if you're ready to make that move, ready to start working on you, send me a DM and I would be happy to give you some information regarding that online course. It's actually going to be starting up again in April. So today this is part two of understanding codependency and identifying whether or not you have the codependent personality. This is one of those things. This is part two. So part one we posted last week, we're expanding on that because I feel it's so important. The thing about codependency, codependency is a very, very big indicator of low self esteem and dysfunction. And if you can identify that within yourself at that point, you can truly begin to turn the corner and start working on you. So today we're going to talk about some of those personality traits, some of those characteristics of what a codependent might look like. And if you can see yourself in some of the things that we talk about today. Then you might want to explore codependency and how it might be affecting your life. So let's dive into some codependent personality traits. First of all, the feeling of being responsible for the way other people feel. Their thoughts, their choices, and their general well being. That you are responsible for everyone's happiness. The people that live around around you, the people that are closest to you, you take responsibility for their happiness. And I know I've said this to you, if not once, probably 10 other times before in past podcasts, but happiness, my friends, is an inside job. You have to be happy from the inside out. You cannot get happiness from other people. You cannot make other people happy. Now, you can do nice things for other people, but pure happiness is an inside job. So if you are who feels like you are responsible for happiness in everybody's life around you, chances are you may have a codependent personality, another trait. You find it easy to feel angry when something bad happens to others, but you don't feel the same intensity when something bad happens to you. So if something happens to you, you are a little bit more passive about it. But when something bad happens to someone else, you definitely have a stronger feeling about it when it happens to someone around you. You might be feeling best when you're giving to other people and you find yourself feeling kind of guilty when someone gives to you. When someone wants to do a favor for you or do something for you, you resist. It just doesn't feel comfortable accepting the help from other people. Another personality trait of a codependent is that you have the urge to help other people fix their problems. So much so that you become obsessed with other people's problems. In fact, other people's problems sometimes in turn cause problems in your own life. You might find you and your spouse having disagreements about somebody else's problems, which clearly that doesn't make any sense and that has their own level of dysfunction right there. So a codependent wants and needs sick people around them to be happy in a very unhealthy way. A codependent lives in a mental chaos. And if they don't have the mental chaos that they're accustomed to, they sometimes create that chaos and involve themselves in other people's lives in places and ways that really aren't necessary and they're not even wanted or needed. But the codependent has a strong need and feeling to be like a martyr of the situation, that they are there to fix everybody's problems, that they are there to save the day. And obviously that's a very dysfunctional way. But oftentimes the codependent has grown up with alcoholism, other problems in their life, and these reactions to that chaos is having to create the chaos that they grew up with. If you've grown up in an alcoholic home or other types of abuse or addiction, you know that there's a level of dysfunction and chaos that comes with that. And that's all you know. That's how you were raised. So that is your normal. When things are not dysfunctional, a codependent is going to find dysfunction or create chaos in order to feel more comfortable, because that's what their normal is. I know that's a little bit confusing and that sounds complex, but it's true. However you were raised, whether it be the right way or the wrong way or whatever, that's neither here nor there. But that is your normal. And when you get outside your normal, it puts you outside of a comfort zone. Whether or not it's dysfunctional or not, you're outside of a comfort zone. Oftentimes a codependent will try to emulate and recreate the same chaos that they lived with when they were growing up, because that, like I said, is their normal. Codependents oftentimes have very self destructive behavior. They react to people who are destroying themselves and as a result, result we learn to destroy ourselves. That is definitely a trait of a codependent. This can obviously lead to destructive relationships, relationships that simply don't work, leading to unhappiness and despair. Oftentimes a codependent will choose an unhealthy relationship because again, it does bring back that sense of normal, the normal that they grew up with that's been embedded inside of them. One of the most important things to learn is that your behavior is your behavior, no one else's. The only person that we can change in any situation, in any situation that's happening around you today, the only person that we can change is ourselves. Now, a codependent, it doesn't mean that you're coming at it from a cruel or a mean place, because you're not. Most codependents sincerely are trying to help the other people, but because of their dysfunctional upbringing, the help that they are offering is typically not the right kind of help. You might be trying to encourage or influence a person to make good decisions, to be a good person, to do all the. But you can't love another person enough to do the right thing. Their choices, their behavior is theirs. They need to own that. And they need to make the decision on their own if they're going to change their life, if they're going to live to their potential. You are not in control of any other person. You can only change your mindset, your thoughts and your behavior. Those are the only things that you are in control of. So even though codependency sounds like such a negative thing, I believe a lot of codependents are sincere in really sincerely trying to help. They're not trying to hurt another person. They're trying to help another human being live to their best potential, see the best in themselves, to do the best for themselves and for their families. A codependent means well, but a codependent also doesn't understand that it's not up to you, it's not up to them to make that decision for someone else. You can only live by example. Be an unconditional, loving, supportive person. But requiring them to change or forcing them to change is not a win win situation. It's definitely a lose lose. So other characteristics is a codependent oftentimes is a caretaker. They're a caretaker by nature. They over commit themselves. They feel responsible for other people's happiness, they attract needy people. And they also don't even know how to define their own needs. Are you a caretaker? Does this resonate with you? Another characteristic is low self worth. Oftentimes a codependent will come from troubled dysfunctional families. They will be left feeling like they're not good enough. That no matter what they do, how hard they try, it's just never good enough. They blame themselves. They will reject compliments of praise. Having been a victim of sexual, physical or other emotional abuse and around alcoholism or other types of addiction is also characteristics of a codependent which does lead to that low self worth. So in the work that I've done, the people that I work with that do find themselves to be codependent oftentimes have been a victim of sexual abuse. They have been grown up and raised in homes with alcoholism and other types of dysfunctional function. Another attribute is repression. They repress themselves. They're afraid to become who they are. Oftentimes they appear to be rigid and in control. But I have to tell you, when you peel that back away, a codependent is a very very. Oh, just a person with a very, very low self esteem and a very low self worth. They don't feel worthy. They actually look outside of to have the feeling of worth. Obsession is another characteristic. A codependent person may feel anxious, wonder why they don't have the energy. They wonder why they can't get things done. They might seem really busy, but yet they just can't stay focused and get things done. They lose sleep over other people's problems and they completely become obsessed with another person's issues. They are not capable of digging into their own issues, but they're very capable of being obsessed for somebody else's. Another codependent characteristic is controlling. A codependent person can be very controlling. They try to control the outcome because they feel like they know best over other people. So they try to control others outcomes because they sincerely think they know what's best for that other person and will get frustrated, frustrated and angry when people resist their advice or do not go in the direction that they want them to go. Denial is another really big sign that you have a codependent characteristic. When I say denial, I mean a codependent will ignore problems or pretend that they aren't happening. You might be in a highly dysfunctional relationship, but yet you're in denial with truly how bad it is. You pretend that circumstances just are not as bad as what they really are. Stay really, really busy so you don't have to think about the things that are going wrong in your life. Oftentimes that person in denial will become a workaholic. However, they're incredibly responsible, but they do become a workaholic. They believe the lies that other people are telling them and then at the end of the day wonder why they feel like they are going crazy. And you're doing all of the things, you feel like you're doing all of the right things, but yet you feel like you are the one that is crazy. Another characteristic is dependency. A codependent doesn't feel happy or at peace with themselves, which does go back to the low worth and low self esteem. They look for happiness outside of themselves because their whole life they have needed outside validation for them to feel worthy. They don't feel love or approval from their parents. They desperately again seek approval, which is a really big one. If you seek approval from other people and from outside sources, friends, chances are you are codependent and you know it's not the end of the world if you are. There is something you can do. And in part three, next week we're going to talk about how to change that narrative for yourself. How to get out from under being a codependent. You can still be a loving, caring, giving person without the codependency dysfunction. So next week we're going to talk about more about solutions. So moving forward with dependency Oftentimes you'll seek love from people incapable of loving. Do you know that person who you know they're not capable of loving another person. They're not capable of valuing relationship. Relationships are dispensable for them. A codependent has a dependency on other people and oftentimes look for love from people that are incapable of loving. They stay in relationships that simply don't work. They feel trapped in relationships and they will also leave bad relationships and for new ones that aren't going to work either. Because if you don't repair what is going on in yourself, you're going to repeat the same behavior. Is going to repeat. Even though you've gotten out of a bad relationship, you feel like, phew, I'm out of that relationship now I can move forward until you repair what's going on, what is broken inside of you, you are only going to repeat and choose another bad relationship. It's so important, friends, to do the hard work. Another strong characteristic of a codependent is they have poor communication skills. Now let me just explain that a little bit. When I say poor communication, they have a really, really hard time communicating their feelings. They cannot assert themselves well, believe oftentimes that their opinions don't matter. They have a difficult time standing up for themselves. They really don't know how to fight for themselves. They avoid talking about their own feelings and thoughts. And they cannot eliminate the word no from their vocabulary. A codependent is a person that will say yes to everything, even when they're heart of all hearts. No. They need to be saying no. They stretch themselves thin. They work so hard to please other people, but in the long run, they are only destroying themselves. A codependent also has very weak boundaries. They let others hurt them. They let others take advantage of them, and they will tolerate treatment from other people. That is bad, but they allow them to do it anyway. And I'm here to tell you that if you do not have good, healthy boundaries, you are going to just be taken advantage of left and right and left feeling very inadequate. A person without boundaries equals low self esteem. And that is very, very true. A codependent will also have a hard time trusting themselves, their feelings and their own decisions. They sometimes will think that God has abandoned them and lose their faith in God or the higher power. Anger is another attribute. They're frightened of other people's anger. They live with people who have anger issues and feel controlled by other people's anger. If you've grown up in a dysfunctional home, meaning there was abuse of alcohol or drugs or physical abuse or anger management issues. You will have a fear of anger. If someone raises their voice to you, you will feel that deep inside the pit of your stomach you're going to feel that. If you were raised in a home where tempers ran rampant and the voices were loud and people yelled, you will definitely have anger issues. And I'm not talking about your own personal anger issues, but you will have a fear of when people get angry around you. Oftentimes a codependent will have issues with sex. They will have sexual issues. They oftentimes lose interest. Sex is used to abuse them, to hurt them. They'll have a difficult time asking for their needs. They don't want to talk about it, and they simply lose interest altogether. That would be another characteristic of a codependent. And other things are Even though there's so much chaos happening in a codependent's mind, they're extremely responsible and they're incredibly loyal. They will find it difficult to feel close to other people, but yet they are incredibly responsible and loyal and can always be counted on. They will sometimes be withdrawn, feel helpless. That comes from trust issues, from issues of feeling adequate and worthy. They will sometimes experience eating disorders, whether it is an overeating situation or an under eating situation, and sometimes in severe cases become addicted to alcohol and other drugs. The next thing I want to ask you is how do you feel about some of the characteristics that I stated today? Do you see yourself in any of those attributes? How do you feel about changing yourself? Just stop and think about that. What if you took some time to work on you? If you saw yourself in some of those codependent characteristics, the chances are you have some work to do. And friends, let's be honest, we all have work to do. None of us have it all figured out. We simply do. Not as much as you like to think you do, we don't. We all have places that need work and room to grow and room to change. What do you think would happen if you began to change? What would that look like for your life? Do you think you can change? Just ask yourself, do you think you can change? Why or why not? Friends, when you get on the journey of starting to really, really work on yourself, you have to have people around you. You have to have accountability. You have to have. A codependent especially really needs the support, at least in the beginning, to get themselves started. A codependent didn't just wake up one day and become a codependent. It has been a lifetime of conditioning and Influence from outside sources. So it is going to take more than one day of listening to a podcast or two days of reading a book. It is going to take work. And I'm here to tell you, time, honestly is your very best friend. When you go to making a life change such as tackling codependency, it's going to take time. Just consider how long it took you to become that codependent. It's not going to happen overnight. Give yourself grace, give yourself time. Don't rush it. One big advice tip would be don't make a big decision out of emotion. If you are high on emotions right now, this very moment, don't make a big decision in your life. Don't end a relationship or start a relationship. Buy a new house, sell a house, Take a step back, take a deep breath and truly think about how you feel in the morning. Just make sure that the decisions you're making are not emotionally charged. One of the biggest things to remember is what is in your mind. What you're thinking, what you're thinking directly affects how you feel. So if you have an erratic thought process right now or a self loathing, low self worth mindset right now that's going to affect how you feel. So you're going to feel low in self worth. Your low self worth, low self esteem is going to affect your decisions. So mindset affects feelings, feelings affects decisions. So friends, if you are doing this hard work, and I hope that you are, because what I want for you is for you to live your very best life and live the purpose that your life is meant to be lived. We all are on this earth to live out a purpose. We all have gifts, strengths, abilities. We have past experiences that we have literally had those experiences for us to build on our future. The good, the bad and the ugly have happened to us to build on our future. My past, my past, the past that I have lived, the past that I have survived is somebody else's survival guide. What I'm sharing with you today is because of things that I've experienced in my life. And if I can pass my experience onto you and show you a new way, show you positivity and help you with growth and show you a roadmap of how to change, then all of the things that happened in my past have a very, very specific purpose and they are to help you build your future. So friends, thank you so much for joining me today. I can't tell you how much I love coming to you weekly and sharing this information and knowledge that I have. I'M so grateful and blessed to be able to understand my past and the purpose that it has to help you with your future. Make it a great week my friends. Next week we are going to cover part three of codependency and that's where we start building some solutions and starting to retrain how we think, retrain our brain and start anew and start fresh. Make it a great week my friends. Thank you so much for joining me.

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