A NEW LIFE PODCAST WITH GUEST KAY ESKRIDGE

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean.

Hello, friends, and welcome to today's episode of A New Life podcast. I am absolutely thrilled. Thrilled beyond. I can't even tell you how thrilled I am to be interviewing someone who I have so much love and respect for today. My guest is Kay Eskridge. She is from Phoenix, Arizona. Kay and I have both been entrepreneurs and business owners for. For over 30 years. And for the last 20. I've known her for 25 years, which is so crazy to think, because how am I old enough to know anybody for 25 years? I know, right? You're laughing, but it's true.

I'm feeling your pain.

I know it's crazy, but for the last four years, I've had the honor of getting to know kids on a more intimate, personal level and consider her to be a very deep, intimate friend of mine. And that has been an honor and a gift. K is. And it's just funny, isn't it, Kay, how God. I feel like God brought us together to communicate. And I can't even remember how our first conversation started, but it's exactly what we both needed in that time. And I think it's amazing how that happens and how that works and in our life. So, Kay, welcome. Say hello to everyone in this podcast, if you will, please.

Well, thank you. And I. I like to. I like to call what you just mentioned and what you described as a God wink. Like God's looking up there and whatever your God is and is is winking at you and saying, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna make this work for you. So I would say that our. Our newfound connection has definitely been a godwink. And.

And Kay, I gotta. I have to interject and say this to you. What I love about what you just said is so true. You and I have a very deep spiritual belief system, but our belief systems come from a different place. But it. It is perfect. Mine is what works for me and is my belief system, and yours is your system. We all. We both come from different places. I just love and respect you for all that you are and appreciate that. You know, we don't necessarily believe exactly the same, but we still have that deep spiritual connection. And I'm so grateful for that.

Absolutely. And I think that that is something that is a really good baseline or a base, a jumping off point for true friendships, is that you do kind of have somewhat of a similar spiritual base. I don't. I'm not as vocal about mine maybe, as you are about yours, but again, that. That is definitely just the way we both are wired. I'm a little bit more vocal about other things in my life and. And where my journey has taken me over the course of definitely the last. The last 10 years, for sure. The last year. Most definitely. Oh, gosh.

Yes. Let me talk about this. Last year.

Oh, man.

Wow. Right?

Yeah.

Okay, so 2020 rolls around, and you and I both. I remember having a conversation right after the first of the year, both of us so excited, so pumped up for what 2020 was going to bring. Vision 2020. We were working on a women's conference, a retreat. We, we. I mean, oh, my gosh, we spent so much time brainstorming and putting all of this thing in place. And what I remember you sharing with me was your word of the year, and it was authenticity. Living authentic. Authentic to yourself in who you are and what you are. And I thought, wow, what a powerful word of the year. And the reason I knew I had to have you on as a guest is because, okay, 2020 does not look the way I thought it was going to look.

No, no, no. Boy, who would have ever thought that we would have a worldwide pandemic? I mean, I know they can't write novels about this even.

Exactly. It's like we've been living a Netflix series this year.

Yes, absolutely.

But what I want you to focus on today and what I know everyone listening can learn from you, is talk to me about how 2020, obviously it has diverted everything you thought was going to be your reality. It's not your reality. I would love for you to share with me how the COVID crisis has molded and shaped you, how it has changed you, and how living through your word of the year. Authentic and living with authenticity. Talk to us about. About how you have been able to work through this Covid crisis and where you're at today.

Wow. Do we have, like, eight hours? How long?

No, exactly. We have to have several episodes and perhaps a sequel coming.

There we go. Well, somebody told me once that you can be a cheetah talker and a turtle thinker, or a cheetah thinker and a turtle talker. In other words, you talk or think slow or fast, and I tend to be cheetah, like flat out both. So if I talk too fast, somehow you need to have like a goosing button or some sort of. That. That. That slows me down. Yeah, slow the Roll. Slow the roll. You know, it's been a, it started off and life itself is a, is a journey that's built on ups and lows and highs and downs and ups and downs. And I, I, I believe that I would probably rather live on a roller coaster than a carousel that just go. Because when you're in the middle of the lows and then you get up to the highest high, when you're up there at that high, it gives you the ability to look back down on that low and realize, look how far I've come and look at how great it is to be where I am back up on the ride and my life. For those of you that. Well, actually there's a lot of people that would probably guess this about me, and some of you know this about me, and a lot of you probably are gonna get ready to have a jaw drop, but I am an alcoholic, and I have been an alcoholic longer than I think I knew. I was partied a lot in college, had, you know, didn't, but didn't go crazy. Got married, didn't really drink a lot then, but life, life has its, it's again, ups and downs and just found myself spinning slowly out of control without really realizing just how bad it was getting. And then I went through a relationship breakup of about 10 years after I was divorced. My husband had passed away and I had moved on and I had found a gentleman and we had a. Well, here I go again. I'm rabbit hole. Let's reel me back in. I found myself after that relationship ended, turning to the bottle for, for solace. And that's when I think the drinking really, really got dangerously heavy.

And so let me ask you this, Kay. As with identifying that trigger of that relationship, do you feel that by the loss of that relationship, turning to the alcohol was your place of comfort? It was your place of, of trying to gain control? Or is it a place where you tried to just forget the world?

Well, it also coincided with 08. Oh, this is a good way to track this. How many years ago was 08? Quick, do the math, somebody. We're in 20. Okay. 12 years. There you go. So 08 hit. And it dramatically affected my, my business as a photographer. I had a. Yeah, so now we can. Now, now the pieces are kind of coming together a little bit better for me.

Well, I love when, when you can stop and identify the triggers of what, what triggers? A. And this is actually a podcast that I've already recorded that's going to be released in the next couple of weeks. Called triggers emotional response and physical action. Something triggers an emotional response, which was probably the. During the downturn of the industry and of the economy in 08, that triggers the emotional response of, you know, you're nauseous, you feel sick, and your physical reaction is to turn to alcohol or it's to turn to something. A lot of times it's not a healthy thing. But if you can turn your response into something healthy, that's where you can get the situation to work for you. So do you feel that the 08 downturn of the economy was a trigger for you?

Well, it was kind of a crashing down of my entire world. I owned a building, and so I had a huge mortgage that I had to pay. In addition to my home mortgage. I had employees that I always put before me in terms of getting paid, which now I know. Big mistake. But I, you know, so it was, it was the business flail. It was my relationship failing and my drinking compounded everything. So I was using alcohol to numb myself and to escape dealing with these issues. It had just gotten to be too much. And at a time when casual drinking and, you know, partying kind of hard on the weekends and having cocktails during the week, that I turned to that. Because then that numbing got greater and greater and the bigger the problems got, the more I drank. And I got to a point where my sober was. My drunk was my sober. I mean, I was a highly functioning alcoholic. Sometimes not so functioning, but there, There were a lot of times where I didn't think I'd. I didn't. I didn't want us. I didn't want to. I didn't want to spin out of it upward. I didn't want it. It was just going to be easier to just keep drinking and to drink to pass out so my heart wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't feel like I disappointed my parents and I didn't want to disappoint my friends that were trying to help me, that knew I was struggling.

And so let me interject. So you used. You wanted to stay in a place that. So you didn't have to deal. But tell me how what you said that that was, that really resonated is you didn't want to disappoint your parents, you didn't want to disappoint your friends, friends, the people that were reaching out, trying to help you. So I, I know, and I know, you know, when you are living life and doing things for the purpose and the benefit of other people, only at your own sacrifice, there Is no coming out of it, if you will.

No, no. And, you know, if, if I knew now, how often have we said this? If we knew now what we. I wish I would have known then what I know now.

Right.

And maybe if I tell my story, maybe there will be people that I could help. Because this isn't something I'm proud of. I mean, for the longest time, and I think still people hear the word alcoholism and they hear the word alcoholic and you think of the bum on the street, but I don't think I look like that. I, I think there's a lot of people out there that I have met that would never even think that I would have a problem, let alone being a full card carrying alcoholic. I mean, it got as. As bad as it can get for an alcoholic. I got there. And everybody says, you know, you're going to have your own bottom, which is true.

I believe that you are going to have your own bottom. But if we are all honest, if we can be honest with ourselves, because being honest about where we're at for other people is not really any of anybody else's business. But if you can be honest with yourself, with where you are, with what you're struggling with, we all have our own cross to bear. We all have our own issues. You know, you walk through the grocery store and you pass, you know, 50 people while you're walking through a store. Every single person you meet has. Is carrying their own cross, whatever that might be. It might be drug addiction, it might be other forms of addiction. It might simply be the, the. The I just was diagnosed with cancer. It might be we all have our own things. But if we can turn and reflect and be honest with ourselves, with what we are dealing with, I think that's where you get to start owning it and turning it around. I want us to focus. Bring me to 2020 because this is your year of transformation. And how I have been able to witness you transforming through this year, friend, is incredible. I'm so happy for you on every single level. I can't even tell you how thrilled I am for you, to be able to watch you go through this transformation and witness you doing all of this hard work. So take me through 2020 on how you got to where you are today, because it's an incredible story and there are people in this world that need to hear your story because you are not only going to give them hope, but you are going to give them inspiration and you are going to give them the strength and power to do exactly what you have Done and what you are doing.

Yeah, well, I guess it kind of goes. I'm going to go back just a little bit to the way I was raised. I had a great childhood, I believe. I mean, as far as I was concerned, we were leave it to Beaver cleaver, you know, to a T without the beaver. But we were, you know, I grew up and I love my parents and for those of you that follow me on Facebook, you know the depth of my love for my parents because you see me, you see me, you know, going, helping them as they go through, as they age. And right now we have them in assisted living care facility and I've been really their caregiver through the last several years. But especially this last year we moved them down 10 minutes away from my house and then in February and Covid hit in March. So I have just, it's. That's a whole struggle unto itself. But I never want to blame my parents for the way I was brought up because I'm a grownup and I have to own my shit. Oh, sorry. I have to own my stuff at this point. I have to own it at this point. And in the beginning of the year, so 2020 for me, I have gone, you know, three years sober, one year sober, four year. I've gone for long periods of time sober. And then what, what possesses me to pick up that first drink? Because I know that I can't. Because one leads to two and then two leads to three. And there is no stopping point for an alcoholic of my, of my level. There is no. Just one drink. And I will, I can attest to that because I've fallen off this wagon, or like I like to call it. What I'm doing now is coming out from behind the bar because I'm not coming out of the closet, I'm coming from behind the bar. So in terms of being authentic about my life right now, I grew up being told, put on a happy face, your father's coming home. So all my life I, I was never allowed to express that there was anything but happiness and joy and that I had to look perfect and I had to be, you know, matching my younger sister's outfit. And we went to church and we sat quietly in a pew and, and it was a great childhood. They didn't beat me. I didn't run away. It was, but it was still now in my 50 something year. I look back now and realize that for so much of my life, I was so driven by trying to be perfect for everybody else and what I would look like on the outside, that I was really screwing up my inside by just swallowing my problems and masking my issues. And I didn't have coping mechanisms or skills to be able to talk about how I was really feeling inside. And so, you know, you just swallow it enough. Then after a point, I just started swallowing. I turned to booze and swallowed alcohol instead. And so what if I was losing my studio? Well, I'd just drink and then it wouldn't matter. So what if my heart was broken? Drink. It would matter. I wouldn't feel it. So coming into this last year, I am nine months sober right now. So my last drink was in January. And I. I knew that what I was doing wasn't working. That for me to be. For me to truly be okay, to help my parents, I needed to figure this shit out. Sorry. I had to. I wanted to do the work, though. I wanted to figure out why, when I would know that it would be poison, why would I pick up that first drink knowing where it would head, that I would spiral out of control, I would have to come back out of another drunk. I would go through dts. And there have been times where I didn't think I was even going to make it out of those. I literally would pray to die because it was so bad. And in the beginning of the year, something. And I'm trying to figure out the exact turning point in my life. I went to see a counselor who told me that her goal was to help me get to the root of my problem. Why I would self. Why I was self imploding, why I was putting my own life at risk by picking up that one drink. What was it that. Why was my life not worth it? Wow. I just said that. What about me wasn't worth saving? Why would I intentionally do things to check out when I've got so much to give and so much life to still live and for still needing to be there for my family and my friends, but needing to be present for me, needing to be okay for me. So I just started. You know, you and I have talked at length about this and doing the work and finally by looking at the word authenticity and coming clean, publicly, coming out from behind the bar. Being authentic means being okay to be who you are. Warts and all good and bad problems. What am I? I'm struggling here because I. I want people to understand that it's okay to have problems, that it's okay to not be okay. And I think that was my problem, is I never gave myself the grace to be not okay.

I think, and, and I think I'm gonna just say this, Kay, you, you mentioned, you know, growing up that you had the, the Leave it to Beaver family where, you know, dad came home and everybody put on their happy face. I think you were conditioned for so many years to put on that happy face that that translated into every aspect of your life. Probably when you were in school. I know as an educator in the portrait industry, you absolutely have done that before. You and I got to know each other on, on a friendship level, an intimate friendship level. I always had so much respect for you and how you presented your information and how you impacted our industry. And you still do. It's incredible. On the photography world, you have so much impact in that world. I just always looked at you and thought calm. Honestly, I thought you had all your crap together at all times. And I loved how you were able to get up on stage and laugh at yourself. And that was definitely your love language was to make people laugh and to laugh at yourself and just to spread joy. But I think when you've been conditioned, as you were and as I think a lot of people were, to put up and shut up, put on that happy face, you're fine, nothing's wrong. You condition yourself to not respect yourself anymore. And, and you don't understand that you have to have good, healthy boundaries around yourself to not get yourself into the situation, situation of self sabotaging. You know, the sabotaging, I think, is where the alcohol came in. And, and I know, I know, you know what, because we've had so many deep conversations on this and how, you know, you have to look at yourself with love first. Happiness is an inside job. And when you're so busy trying to make everyone else happy that you forget that you're not happy, you end up turning to things that are self destructive like alcohol or drugs or workaholic or whatever that happens to be for you.

Absolutely. Well, and I, you know, I wish I could tell my younger self, especially with the. When I was married to the most amazing, most amazing man and we got married so young and he was from a family that kind of lived that same life, you know, we don't have problems, we don't talk about it. So you put these two young kids together and they form a business together and they get married and we didn't know how to communicate. And when the marriage ended, we ended up eventually being able to have the best of friendships because we had gotten old enough to be able to understand how important it was to be honest with each other. And to talk through problems. So, you know, before he left this earth, we, you know, there was nothing left unsaid between us because we were authentic then. And I have such peace about that. And, and I'm so grateful now to have come through and to be at the place that I am within my journey and understanding my alcoholism, that I had that with him and, and that living authentically that. That to me is the only way to live. Because it doesn't matter if you're putting on a happy face for the world, but you're dying inside. You're only hurting yourself more. You're not doing anybody any favor. And I, I would rather be. I would rather have somebody look at me and maybe go, well, she didn't have her shit together, sorry, her stuff together. And be honest and know that I don't than to make them think that I do if I really don't. Does that make sense? Because. Because it's just like. It's like living a lie. And that is such a hard lie to live.

And I think when you, when you have. You're in that situation of living that lie, which I believe there again, if we are honest with ourselves, every single one of us have been in your shoes or we are in your shoes, people listening are where you are at and where you have come from. If we're honest with ourselves on that. But you get so busy trying to put on this front and live this lie that you literally are dying a little bit each day when you do that. It's like you're stuck in a bird cage and you can't spread your wings to fly because you are stuck in this cage. And, and that's where the self sabotaging with the alcohol and the things that are bad for us are amplified.

Absolutely.

And how did you, how did you turn the corner through Covid? Because I think that's, you know, this has been a ridiculous year. You know, I feel like I'm a. I have it together. You know, it's like I've got my stuff together, but yet I was just like many people just crippled with fear from time to time. A fear of, you know, I'm gonna. All my friends are gonna die, my family's gonna die from this disease to. They're shutting down our economy. I can't work right now. How am I going to pay my bills and, and feed my family and take care of to now getting a different perspective on it. That you know what? We are not in control of what's happening. We can only control ourselves and this is so. This is so real. We can only control ourselves and our reaction to what's happening around us. And I knew that before, but I had to go through that feeling of fear and uncertainty to step back and say, okay, wait a minute. I can control me right now. I can control my reaction to what's happening around me. And that's where I turn my focus. So, Kay, how did you. How were you able to focus this in 2020 with COVID Because your. Your dad is not well, and. And he is. Has a horrible disease. And I'm so sorry for that. But you're navigating being the caregiver, and how have you turned. Turn the table that now you're the caregiver for yourself?

Well, it's. It's kind of funny because I think that in a time when so much is out of control, the one you.

Change, you chose the hardest time. I know. Life.

It's like that airplane movie. I gave the wrong. I gave. I gave. What is the wrong year to give up sniffing glue? It's a wrong year to get to be sober. But ironically, ironically. And I think this. This makes me smile, A genuine smile. Is that. That the one thing that I can control, I can't control my dad's dementia. I can't control Covid. I can't control my clients, my friends. I can't control anything but one thing, and that's that I will not pick up a drink. So the one thing that usually spins me out of control, I. Has made it my bitch. Oops, sorry. I have. Literally. And. And I take great pride in knowing that I have such a good, strong grasp this time. And people say, well, what make. Why is it different? You know, you've been sober before, and it's because this time, Pam, I love myself enough to never put something in harms in my own harm's way. That I have come through this loving myself enough and more than enough to not want to ever jeopardize my life again. Because I'm worth it. And I think that's really what I get so impassioned by right now. And if you can see me, I'm clinching my fists, is that we're all worth it. My life is worth more than picking up that one drink or that second drink or that third drink or getting high from drugs or whatever that addiction is that you use to mask your. That your go to. To escape and to not be present and to run from your battles or to shy away or to put on that happy face instead of taking Control all of those things. You've got to, because you are worth it. And I need to be worth it for my parents. I mean, Lord knows they've been patient and been there for me through all of this. They. They'd come and sit with me in the hospital. I was hospitalized. Oh, boy, I'm really coming out, aren't I? Three different times. Because my health was failing. I was losing. I was losing. I was dying, literally. And my parents were the ones that were sitting beside me, and they weren't gonna let you know they weren't giving up on me. And that's why right now it's so important for me to stay sober, because I don't. I need to be there for my parents. I. As a daughter, that's just. As a child. To be the caregivers for the people that cared for you all of your life. It just is the right thing to do. And my dad's dementia is just. He's. I'm grateful I just got a chance to see him and we had some really great special time together, and he's still there and he's funny and. And I'm. But I'm making the most of this time with him now because I know it's precious and I know that they're at a point where they won't be around forever. So my sobriety and my self love, I do for me. But the byproduct is, is my parents and my sister and my nieces and my friends and my clients and look at all the people that I affect because I choose sobriety and because I choose to fight the fight every day. Every day. And if you're an alcoholic, you know, you know the fight I'm talking about. You know it.

You are truly an inspiration in and fighting for yourself.

Because you know what, Pam? That. That's. That's it. We are worth it. You know, God put us on this earth for a reason, and it's until you know what that reason is. You know, do you remember that movie? Oh, what was it? Where he said, just that one thing. Do you know that one thing? And he was talking about the secret to life is just that one. What was that movie with Billy Crystal and oh, City Slickers, these Liquors, remember? And he's saying that one thing. And the guys were running around wanting to know, what is that one thing? What is that one thing? Well, I figured out what that one thing is, and it's me. I'm the one thing for myself. It's me and it's you. For you, and it's whoever for whoever. But we are the one thing that's worth fighting for.

Absolutely. I want to ask you a question and have you give a little bit of input on this. Now that you have come from behind the bar, as you say, and. And your secret is not so secret anymore.

Yep.

How do you feel? How much weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? How. Tell me about that, because I know you must be feeling like you are walking on a feather right now.

I feel like I could take on anything right now.

I believe you could.

Bring it on a pandemic. Oh, I got that.

Exactly. You just try to take me down, Covid. I'll show you. I'm gonna take on my alcoholism during COVID Take that right.

Yeah. Bring it on. You know, it's. It. What was the question? No, I'm trying to think the best way to. You know what it feels like it has less power over me. Like, the more I talk about it. And you've shared this with me, and you. You kind of told me it would happen, and I'm like, yada, yada, yada. Sorry, I. I didn't yada you, but, yeah, I kind of did. Yada, yada.

You just weren't ready to hear it yet, that's all.

And. And until you're ready, you're not ready. And so why am I ready now? Because the timing is right. Because it's time for me to talk about it. Because I don't. I'm tired of hiding this deep, dark, little, ugly secret. It. It festers. Just is dark. And if I talk about it and I don't have to hide it anymore, it has less power over me.

And I think what's so interesting is, as you tell your story, more people are going to come to you and say, I've been addicted to drugs. I have been addicted to alcohol. I have done. You're going to have people be able to say to you, I'm. I'm there. And you have given me the inspiration to not be there anymore. And the more you own your story, the. And the more you talk about it, truly, the less power it's going to have in your life, because you're not keeping any deep, dark, secret secrets anymore. No, there's nothing to hide. There's no secrets. There's no. You know, secrets are prisons. They are shackles because you become a prison, a prisoner to the secret. And in reality, the secret really is just part of life. It's something that you have had to go through to bring you to where you are today. Because I believe this with everything in me, Kay, that everything that you have gone through. I know 08 was hard. With the crash of the economy, that was difficult for everyone, we all. And you've weathered that storm. But that happened for you to get ready for the next thing, the next challenge, the next life lesson that you had to learn. And I know that there's so much power in your story, in what you have to share with the rest of the world. It's important for you to go through all of it. And it would be so nice to say, geez, I wish I would have known this, you know, 25 years ago, that I should learn to love myself first. And, wow, 25 years would have been a whole lot easier. But you weren't ready to learn those things 25 years ago or even 10 years ago. No, but this year is when you were ready.

Well, and picking that word authent, being authentic or having authenticity in my life is. Is part of. Is part of that. It's like a challenge to myself. Like, I call on myself, you know, I. I actually feel. I feel really good talking about it and. And just getting it off my shoulders and not having. Not having to put that happy face. You know, alcohol is coming home. You know, I don't have. I don't have to have that. And. And I think, you know, I don't blame my parents for this because I know that that's the way they were raised, or at least my mom was raised. Think about the era that our parents and what they. How they were raised is the way they raised us now. And then the next generation is going to change and so on and so forth. And so I don't, you know, I. I ache for the. For the ladies, the women, or the men that grow up in abusive families. I didn't have that. It wasn't psychological abuse intentionally or emotional abuse intentionally. They. They would never do that. That's not the kind of family I grew up in. But yet that has been so instilled in my way of thinking for so long that, you know, I didn't even realize that the damage it had done until I got to a point where I was willing to look at it and go, so that's why. And then. Then something clicked inside and I went, okay, well, if I can get to a point where I'm okay, then I won't need to hide from anything. I won't need to put on that happy face anymore. I won't have to. I won't want that first strength to numb the way I felt or. Or my. The way I felt, that I was letting people down or that I was failing. Oh, God forbid I fail. Well, you know what? Who gives a flying. I beeped myself. Pimp. Who gives a flying. You know what? If you fail, you just pick yourself back up again and you try again. But I didn't. I didn't ever give myself that grace. Right. I couldn't fail.

So true.

So I wouldn't. I wouldn't be kind. I would be kinder to other people than I was to myself.

Exactly. You know, I think it's safe to say that all of us were raised. You know, our parents raised us the best they could with the knowledge they had. I think it's safe to say that. And it's up to us, as we evolve into our own beings, to break the cycles of dysfunction as necessary within your own family unit, because I don't. And that's not true for everyone. But I think for the most. Most. The majority, our parents did their very best with the knowledge they had. But it's each. It's up to each generation to break the cycles of dysfunction and reroute that to something different. Because guilt and shame. Guilt, shame, fear of failure. Those are absolute prison sentences, if that's what you think. Yeah, it's a prison sentence.

And my. My way of dealing with that was. Was to drink. Just to drink. Well, and then because I wouldn't care, I would get to a point where I would, like, for instance, some. Some stressor or something. You know, I'd be stressed out about, oh, I'd have a couple of drinks because then I would be numb, and then I wouldn't care. And I'm lucky that I. I never failed on a job. I never. I was never in an accident. I. You know, I didn't hurt anybody. I. I got through my period of. Of this highly dysfunctioning, highly functioning alcoholism without. Without doing any. Irreparable. That's a big word, you know, damage. But I. I know now, in looking. In, looking back at it, is that that's a big part of the drinking, too, is that I would just not care. I would be so drunk that I just wouldn't care. And then that would take the stress off, and then that would take the shame off because I wouldn't care, because I would be drinking my way through that, and then I would just drink and pass out, and then I'd wake up and have to start the whole process all over again.

So tell me how your daily routine has changed since breaking the cycle and having a new commitment to authenticity, to loving yourself, to putting you first and self care. What. What has changed in your daily routine?

I'm honestly happy I fell in love with myself again through this process and I. I delight in smaller things. I take smaller note of smaller things like spending time with my mom and trying to be patient with her and then being there for my dad and for my younger sister. And I have formed a relationship that is beyond what I could ever want from a sister because I am working at relationships in a healthier way. My girlfriends I'm spending more time with and doing things with. And it's not perfect. I mean I'm still a work in progress and I'm sure there's some people that knew that I was having this. The struggle that are still cautiously watching to see if I'm really. If this one's going to stick, I'd like to tell them that it is because I am. I have found this new lease on life, this ability to have fallen in love with myself again. And a lot of it is giving myself grace because of the way I was raised, because of the conditioning of always having to be perfect for everyone else now that I know I don't have to be. It takes the weight off, it takes the pressure off of myself so there's not this constant looming like you prison or pressure on me. So I feel lighter. I don't know if that's a. I mean I'm heavier in weight because I put on the COVID 25. It's not 15. Screw that. I was going for 25 I so and, but that's phase two. Working on my body is the next phase. Right now I'm concentrating on my soul and my heart and my spirit and getting K back. I mean Pam, I kind of wish she would have known me better back then before I went down this train wreck. I'm a lot like that now, actually. I think I'm kind of K2.0.5 or whatever that improved version of me is because I know that I'm making a difference with my parents, with my family, with my friends, with my clients, with anybody that might be listening. I'm not a counselor by any means. I'm not equipped to talk about anything other than just sharing my story and letting people know out there that they're not alone, that there is somebody that has been in their shoes. I have been. I. If, if, if you want to know, I'll tell really quick. Funny on my, on myself. I am still finding little Baby vodka bottles all over my house. I was a sneaky witch. I literally would hide alcohol and. And then get so drunk I would forget where I would hide it. But I guess it's funny. Not funny. I mean. You know what I mean?

Funny. Not funny completely.

I found a little airplane bottle of vodka the other day. I was doing the laundry and it was between two towels in the linen closet. I'm like, oh, well, that was a good place. But obviously not because I forgot that it was there. So I ceremoniously pour it out and do a little happy dance and a little proud because it does not hold. It holds. Alcohol no longer has its hold on me. And that feels great. The beast is gone.

I love that for you. That is just so incredibly exciting. When we had talked last week about doing our interview today, one of the statistics that you had sent me that. That really is resonating with me and I can't get it out of my head is the relapse of overdose rate has increased by 30. 30% since March of 2020. And that's. That's a staggering statistic. It's heartbreaking. It's sad. I just. If you are listening and you need someone to talk to, I know I'm going to offer K for reach out to Kay. I know she would be more than happy to talk with you. I would be more than happy to talk with you. I'm not an expert in a lot of things, but I'm a heck of a good listener and I can give good, solid words of advice.

Well, Pam, you give yourself a lot more credit than that. I mean, you have. I know ultimately I've done the work, and I know ultimately it's me that has to do the work, but in the coaching sessions that we've done together and in the way you have helped me find this. This cave that. That is worth loving again, that is truly your gift that you give to the people that you counsel with, is that strength and that ability of knowing and believing in them, your belief in me, that I could even do this interview right now, if you would ask me three months ago, six months ago, definitely nine months ago, would I ever be willing to talk about alcoholism and that I was an alcoholic, I would say, oh, God, no. No, I'm not. What are you talking about? But I. It's true. The more I. And you said this, the more I talk about it, the more I'm out. Out about it. I'm out from behind the bar, the less. The less it holds over me. And. And it Is true. It has been a prison for me and. And all of the money that I've spent that's gone. And all of the hours and constant being sneaky and trying to figure this out and trying to figure that out, and the constant worry about when I'm going to get the next drink or how I'm going to get the next drink or. Or, oh, I don't have to do that right now, because I got to. I got to try to figure out how to be sneaky about how to get this. And all of that wasted energy and part of my life I can't get back. I. That's my regret, actually, is the. The time I've lost in this addiction, because I can't take that. Wow, that's heavy. I can't take that. I don't get that time back. I don't get that ever.

And I hear what you're saying, and I understand, but I would encourage you to think of it as that what happened to you was a gift. Yeah, it was a gift because you will be able to impact people in a way that without that experience, without that wasted time, you would not be able to impact people the way that you will be able to. Because you have an incredible story. And I know I've told you this. Um, I think I told you this probably a year and a half ago, that you have a tremendous story that will need to be told at some point. And I know you were like, yeah, whatever. I don't know what story? What are you talking about? But I'm like, oh, friend, you have a story. And I think one of your best gifts, not only your experience with this addiction, your experience with death and loss of relationships and death of your first husband and all of the things that you've encountered here, is your gift. You have such a gift of communication and connecting with people that is so special and so unique. You are so approachable and so easy to connect with. You will be given this incredible platform to change lives, and you're starting to do that today with. With fearlessly. Fearlessly sharing your story for the whole world to hear you. You can connect on a level that most people cannot. And you are loved and respected in our. In the industry of the portrait world. You're so loved and respected, and I know you are in your community as well. You have so much to offer and so much to give, and I'm so excited for you. I can't even tell you how thrilled I am. And to say I'm proud of you just sounds stupid, because I mean, I'm proud of you, but I'm happy for you that you have turned the corner and that you totally are on board with happiness as an inside job. And I have to love me first. The ability for you to love other people is off the charts now.

Yeah, well, it certainly is. Being. Living an authentic life takes a lot less effort than being not authentic and leaving living a lie because you just. It's hard to keep track of all those lies. And if. If they're gone and you're leading this authentic being and you're being true to yourself, it makes life just so much more enjoyable. And I'm. I have more inner peace than I think I ever have had. It feels good. I like myself again. I love myself again.

Oh, I love it. Well, thank you. That's a perfect place.

Oh, boy.

So perfect. Thank you, Kay.

You're welcome.

And telling your story and being authentic. Be being authentic to yourself and real with this audience. And I, I know, I know you are going to change lives.

I hope so. I do. I do.

You're doing it.

And thank you for giving me the chance. Thank you for being there for me. You're. You're amazing. Sweet Pam.

Well, a thousand you're welcomes. And I just want to thank the. This audience for being here today and listening to this incredible story from Kay Eskridge. If you have anything. You know, we, Kay and I both, through our. Our life trials have been in those places where you just simply need someone to listen. And if you are in the depths of feeling like you don't want to live or you want to drink yourself into oblivion, please, please reach out to Kate or myself. We are both, both here for you in any way that we can be. 2020 has been just a big cruel joke.

Yeah, you know what?

It's just, just I keep thinking I want to wake up and, and it'll go back to normal. But you know, I think there's a silver lining that we all can find through what we've gone through in 2020, my friend. Kay, I know what your silver lining is. You're living it right now and I'm so happy for you. But we are here for anyone who might need that. So with that, I will thank you all for joining us today. Thank you, my friend Kay, for being here and telling you authentic story and coming out from behind the bar. I love that quote. It's so great and it's so appropriate. I could not love you enough for just being exactly who you are. Thank you friends for joining us.

Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time.