Conflict Resolution-Learn how to successfully solve conflicts.

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean. Hello, my friends, and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. This is your host, Pamela Jean. Thank you so much for joining me here today. Hey, before we get started, if you have a friend who could use an uplifting, supportive coaching podcast, share this one. I would love if you would pass it along to your friends. Anybody that you think this podcast would help, please do so. And if you don't mind, go ahead and rank and subscribe to the podcast that just helps me get found for other people that are looking for the support that you are getting here today. So the topic of today's podcast is wrapped around conflict resolution. Now, if you are a human and you are vertical and you are out and about in the world, you are going to experience conflict. Conflict simply is a part of life. And anytime there is human connection, human interaction, you are going to have conflict. It's just part of life. Unless you live on a desert island, for instance, you're going to have conflicts from time to time. And whether your conflict is based in the workplace, gosh, we've all been in a position where you have that person at the office that you just butt heads all the time. There's a constant conflict with someone. Do you know who I'm talking about? If you had to point that person out in a crowd, you know who popped into your mind, right? But it could be in the office. It can be in the personal side, too. Sometimes you have a friend that you just have conflicts with, or a family member, a sibling or a parent will say something that just creates a huge, huge conflict. You're going to have conflicts whether it's professionally or personally. And if we're honest, no one likes conflict. It's human nature to avoid a conflict at all cost. Out of sight, out of mind, I promise you, is not a tactic in conflict resolution. And I'll be truthful. I'll just be transparent with you. I am not always great with conflict either. I'm definitely so much better with it than what I was at one point in my life. Conflict was scary. You would just kind of want to avoid it because you wouldn't want to make someone mad. You wouldn't want to fight about something. Who likes to fight. No one likes to fight, so. Well, I guess that's not true. Some people do. But I'm personally not one who likes to Be in conflict with people. But if you can master the art of conflict resolution, I promise you your life is just going to be so much easier. You will find so much more success in your business, in your office, in your workplace, and in life if you can really, really work on some conflict resolution guides. So when a dispute ar, the best course of action is to use negotiation to resolve the problem. I think we get into a little bit of a conflict. Well, there we go, conflict resolution. In our mind, we get in a little bit of a conflict because you think about negotiation. Negotiation is meant to come to a place where everybody agrees on something, that we all agree on a certain outcome. That's negotiation, conflict, conflict. A lot of times is, you're wrong, I'm right. That's what happens with conflict. Our pride and our ego get in the way when we are dealing with conflict. So if a problem arises in the workplace or at home, think about it first off as a negotiation with the outcome. The goal. The goal being everybody involved is going to end up on the same page. So think about that first of all. So frame your mind in a way of negotiation as opposed to, I'm right, you're wrong, everyone else is crazy but me. And you know, you've thought that before because I have. I'm not. I'm just going to be honest with you. So step number one is to acknowledge the conflict. Ignoring the problem and sticking your head in the sand is not going to help the situation. The whole idea of out of sight, out of mind is just not very productive. And it's not very, gosh, what's the right word? It's just not very positive if you pretend it's not there. Out of sight, out of mind is not going to solve anything. In fact, ignoring the conflict is only going to make it worse because over time, the conflict that hasn't been resolved is just going to build up. It's going to compound. It's like one layer on top of another and on top of another. And then once you have just had it to your wit's end, like, you cannot take it any longer, you're going to blow up on someone because you did not deal with the conflict in the baby stage, in the infancy of the conflict, and you've let it build and grow to an ugly monster that rears its head when you have just simply had enough. So ignoring the problem is step number one. Do not do that. Do not ignore the problem. Out of sight, out of mind is not a successful tactic. Step number two, pause. When a conflict arises We've all been in a situation where a conflict has shown itself and somebody loses their mind over it. They jump to conclusions, they get angry, they fly off the handle, and they become defensive and irritated. But friends, if you pause, if you just take a deep breath and pause, keep your emotions in check. Because emotions, when you let your emotions step in to conflict resolution, what that means is you're turning on the emotional side of your brain and you're turning off the logical side of your brain. And I don't know about you, but I have never made a good decision while I've been emotionally charged. You will never resolve conflict while you are emotionally charged. So when a conflict arises, this is tip number two. Pause. Take a deep breath and pause. And you may have to even step away from your circuit, your circumstance or the situation to collect yourself to allow, whether it's anger or sadness or whatever, the emotion that was triggered. Let that just come to rest a little bit before you have the conversation about the conflict. Tip number three is you have to assess your conflict with an objective mind. Do not make the conflict about me. Reality is, most conflicts are not personal. So let me give you an example. Let's say you're at the office and you maybe have a supervisor or maybe it's an employee, someone who, every time you turn around, you just don't feel like you can please them. Your supervisor, your boss, your employer. They come to you with an issue. Well, you right away start taking the issue personally. Like, let's say someone in customer service. A customer called in and they were upset. Your boss comes to you to talk about why the customer was upset. Instead of allowing the conversation to be about the upset customer, you take it personally that you're not doing your job. I can never please this employer. I can never please this boss. This is about me. It's a personal attack. I'm trying my hardest. Can't you see that? See how emotionally you become unhinged when oftentimes conflict is not personal. It's. It's not a personal attack on you. We make things personal. That's the part of turning off that emotional side of your brain while you're getting ready to deal with a conflict. Now, don't get me wrong. Conflicts do spark and spur emotions. Of course they do. Some might be sadness or anger or frustration. That's normal. It's okay to feel what you feel. I'm not suggesting you ignore your feelings. What I am suggesting is that you don't allow your feelings to take over your thought process. Don't Allow your feelings to take over your brain to where you're not thinking rationally. All you're doing is making it a personal attack about you and sometimes friends. Life is not all about you. I say that with kindness and love. So tip number four is to define what the problem is. Take the time to research and investigate. Gather up as much information as possible. Continue to ask questions and analyze information until you are confident that you fully understand the issue. Now this comment, the statement that I just made really focuses more towards the office, a business, that type of conflict. But everything I just stated can be applied to personal life as well. If you have a conflict with a family member, a cousin, a sister, a spouse, take the time to define the problem. Simply ask a question. So what I'm hearing you say the conflict is, the problem you have is whatever. Do your due diligence, whether it's on the home front or in the office. Take the time to ask the questions and analyze the information. If you pause, give yourself the time to analyze and fully understand what is really happening, the result of the conflict is going to be much more fruitful than if you fly off the handle, make a knee jerk reaction, make a knee jerk comment. That's only going to be destructive and we want this to be constructive. So step number five or tip number five is if it involves a group of people or just you and someone else, set up a meeting with that person or the parties involved on neutral ground. So if you are in an office situation, don't have them come to your office or you go to their office, meet in a conference room or meet in somebody else's office. That's neutral ground. The purpose of this meeting is to clarify and discuss the conflict with all the parties involved. Now this could be in your home life as well. If you're having conflict with a family member, meet at a coffee shop, go to a restaurant, meet somewhere outside of your home or my home, you will meet somewhere neutral. Choosing a location that is neutral to everyone is important to be able to have an honest conversation. No one will feel intimidated. If you're talking about something at the coffee shop or in the conference room, as opposed to in my office or in my living room. It just, it just puts everything on an even playing field. So the next tip is tip number six to set some ground rules. Before beginning the conversation, set a few ground rules for the meeting, such as, you know, everyone will have equal time to talk. No one will interrupt someone, someone else's speaking time and talk about the objective of the meeting. So starting A meeting out like this would be something like, okay, our object today is that we come to common ground and find a solution to the conflict. Can everyone agree that that is our objective today, to find common ground? So by saying that everyone involved in the conversation is agreeing to the fact that that's our objective today. We want to meet together, find a place of perhaps agree to disagree. Sometimes that is a conclusion, sometimes that is a resolution is to agree to disagree. I think it's important to go into a negotiation like this, this conflict resolution, meeting with the negotiation mindset, not I'm going to prove you wrong or I'm going to prove me right. Because at the end of the day, how important is peace in your life? How important is balance in your life, balance in your business? That's important. That's vital to every success that you could possibly reach, whether it's personally or professionally. Having that peace and balance is critical. And if you are more worried about proving someone wrong and shut off the idea in your brain that you could actually learn something from someone else or see something differently, you're really shooting yourself in the foot. You're holding yourself back to living a balanced and comfortable and happy life. So I promise you, set everyone up on the same ground rules, and we're all going to go for the same objective, which is to resolve such and such conflict, whatever the conflict may be. The next tip is to agree a solution after all the parties involved have had a chance to speak and share their points of view. Do a little bit more digging. Keep going. Push the envelope just a little bit further. Take a minute to find clarity where it is needed. It's important to ensure that personal emotions are no part of the conversation, only facts. Now, that is difficult for a lot of people because most people are so emotionally charged, they have a really hard time stepping back and saying, okay, is this my logical brain speaking or is this my emotions speaking? And I heard, I was in church a few weeks ago and our pastor said something that was so powerful, and he said, either you control your emotions or your emotions are going to control you. That is 1000% correct. I've never heard it said that way before. And that really resonated with me because it's true. If you don't control your emotions, then your emotions are going to control you. And as I stated earlier, you'll never make good, solid decisions if you're making those decisions while you're emotionally charged. So it's important that you take a few minutes to ask questions about what you didn't Understand? And here's something that is such a great tip. When you're having those conversations with someone, ask permission to seek more information. So if you're having a conflict with someone at work, you just simply say, you know, Sarah, may I ask you a question? Sarah says, sure. Then ask the hard question. You've asked permission to bring up something that might be a little bit difficult. If you just go into a conversation about the really sensitive information, Sarah is probably going to close off. She's going to shut down because she feels attacked. But if you ask permission, Sarah, may I ask you a question about this conversation? May I ask you a question about XYZ conflict? And permission is granted. Then move forward with asking a good, healthy conflict resolution type of question. Now, if Sarah says no, honor that as well. Honor that. Because if Sarah's not ready to talk about something, you forcing her to is not going to result in anything positive. So my last tip is really about, this is going to be something that you need to take to heart, because it's about taking responsibility. Now, sometimes in conflict, you may feel very vindicated that this is not my fault, this is not my fault. You are the problem. I am not the problem. You may really feel legitimate about being right in a particular conflict. But here's the thing. What is our goal? Our goal is resolution, not being right. Keep that in mind. The goal is resolution, not being right. So go back to the negotiation part of your brain and think about this. I'm going to take responsibility for my part in this conflict. Now, you can't have a conflict with someone else by yourself. You can't be in conflict over a certain circumstance all alone. If you're in a conflict or a dispute with someone, it takes two people. So both parties, all parties are responsible. And you have to take responsibility for your part. Maybe it's a big part, maybe it's a small part. Whatever the part is, it doesn't matter. You have to take responsibility for your part. By now, after you've gone through these tips, each party has an opportunity to come to a reasonable solution. And it's time for everyone to take responsibility for that part of the conflict. And they get to take part in the solution. That's the beautiful part right there. The silver lining is everyone gets to be part of the solution. It's not my solution or your solution. It's our solution. And when you can lock arms with people, even you don't have to agree on everything. But if you can lock arms, agree to disagree, come to a comfortable solution together, you will resolve whatever conflict you've been dealing with. Ideally, both sides will understand one another's view or at least be able to compromise to meet in the middle. That's what's really, really important. This step requires each party to set aside differences, agree to disagree if you will, and compromise if needed, and then agree on the solution and move on. You know, in our society and our world right now, there is so much division in conflict. And social media, I think, has just stirred up so much conflict. Because I see things being said on social media that I know these people would never say straight to someone's face. But that, that anonymous characteristic of social media posting just kind of gives people a free reign to say whatever they want, do whatever they want, because they're really not held accountable. And I think that has changed our ability to meet in the middle, to agree, to disagree. I mean, I can remember a time not that long ago that politically, I didn't even know what political party people were part of, and it didn't even matter. It's never, it's honestly, to me, it does not matter. I still don't care. But many people, it's a hill they want to die on. They want to fight for that. They would rather be right than they would to find compromise and to negotiate a solution, to learn to agree, to disagree. If you can take these tips back to your family, to your relationships, to your office, to your business, to your boss, to your supervisor, to your employees, please take these tips with you. No one likes to live in conflict. No one wants to go into a family gathering where there's conflict. No one wants to go into a work atmosphere where it feels toxic and there's conflict. No one wants that. And quite honestly, friends, life is too short to live with that dark cloud of conflict. Because underneath that dark cloud, whoever is under that cloud emotionally is being sucked dry. It starts to affect us physically. We don't get enough sleep because we stay up all night worrying about it. Well, then, because we're not getting enough sleep, we might have a glass of wine or two or three or four before we go to bed so we can go to sleep and not think about the conflict. Nothing good comes from harboring conflict and harboring these really, really tough feelings. So, friends, if you're dealing with some major conflict and you just don't know what to do, I am happy to help you. I can walk you through that. I can coach you you through the conflict resolution. You are in control of your thoughts, your reactions, your response to any conflict is your responsibility. You cannot control the other parties within the dispute, but you can control yours. And like my pastor said, if you don't control your emotions, then your emotions are going to control you. And that is so powerful and that is so true. Friends, if you need help working through conflict, whether it's on the professional side, your workplace, your business, or your relationships in your family, I am happy to help you. I am here to help you. Just reach out to me. You can email me at. Pamela Jean A New Life and I would love to set up a time, a virtual coffee for us to chat. We can do a zoom, we can do a phone call, whichever is most convenient for you, and talk about how we can help you with conflict resolution. I mean, we are getting close to moving into the holidays and those family gatherings are coming. Work on your ability to resolve conflicts before the family gatherings start happening. Friends, make it an amazing day. Make it a great day. If you are breathing today, if you woke up today, and if you are listening to this podcast, there is something you are meant to do in this world, something bigger and greater than yourself. If there is breath in your lungs, God has something really special for you. Thank you so much for joining me. Make it an amazing day and we will talk to you next week. Take care. Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time.