Detoxing From A Toxic Relationship Part 2

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean.

Hello friends and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Today is podcast number 32, where we are going to continue our conversation. This is part two of Detoxing from a toxic relationship. But today we're going to talk about living with a narcissist. This topic today dives in a bit deep and it is from a much different perspective than what we have talked about in episode number 31. But before we get started, I want to announce and remind you of May 19th. If you are a local Tulsa businesswoman entrepreneur who needs help with her social media, or if you're not in Tulsa, you're in the surrounding area and you'd like to drive in for a one day workshop, hands on workshop May 19, where we will cover everything social media from defining to creating and posting and planning. It's going to be fantastic and it will be hands on. You will walk away having created your own templates to use with guidance. And I promise you, friends, you are going to love this. If social media is something that you work within your business and struggle with, we can definitely help you move the needle there. Also in May, more exciting news. I will be launching the Self Care Mastery course again in May. So watch for details on that. So without further ado, let's dive in to this very, very difficult topic. And you know, it's just, it's not a topic that is for the faint of heart to be real honest with you. So you're married to a narcissist and ending the marriage is not a decision that you want to make. You just don't want that marriage to end. You want to hold on. It's just not the right thing for you to leave the marriage. And friends, that is okay, depending on where you are in your life and what works for you. Whatever works for you is good, honestly. But my goal for you today is to give you some tips and guidance to stay in the marriage and still thrive. Because if you're living with a narcissist, you understand the dysfunction and the chaos and the high, high highs and the low lows and the ups and downs and all the things that you are going through. Just get ready for the mental Olympics because you are in a tough situation. There's no doubt or no question about that at all. So one of the first Things that you need to come to terms with. Is that your power, Your power is inside of you and not outside of you. I'm going to say that again. Your power is inside of you, not outside of you. So what do I mean by that? I know you've heard me in the past say happiness is an inside job. Well, your power is an inside job as well. Only you can control your power. So what that means is you have to recognize what you can and cannot control in your life. You need to become greater than the narcissist. As long as you allow him to control you and the situation and everything that happens day in and day out, you will remain stuck in a problem. There will be no way to avoid that. And ultimately, you have to learn to let go of what you cannot control and identify what you can't control. And let's be honest, you cannot control a narcissist. That's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. You can't win an argument. You can't have a heated discussion because they will have to be right every time. Even when you and anyone else around you know that the narcissist is wrong, they will never, ever admit to being wrong. So you cannot win. You cannot win a disagreement, an argument, anything with a narcissist. And once they get something in their head, you will never convince them otherwise. So, friends, you can't control the narcissist in your life. You can't control their moods, you can't control their actions, you can't control their thoughts. You cannot change them. The only thing, the only person that you can change in this equation and in that relationship is you. You have to let go of what you can't control. That is the only way. So resist being sucked into the dysfunction. It's incredibly important that you understand whatever you're focusing on, whatever you're thinking about, whatever you're obsessing about, wherever your head is right now in that relationship, that's what you're bringing life to. So if you're worried or thinking about what is his mood going to be when he gets home from work today, that's what you're bringing to life. If you're worried about his actions, about anything that is not in your control, that's what you're bringing to life. That's what you're bringing to the forefront. That's what you're bringing to the table, if you will. The moment you let go of the idea of what you thought your life was going to be, you will begin to take your power back. And I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm gonna be very honest with you on this. The day you realize and really embrace the fact that the idea of what you thought your life was gonna be. You know, we all have this fairy tale life in our inner mind's eye of what you want it to be, what you hope it is. You, person that loves you unconditionally that opens the door for you, that empties the dishwasher, that does all of the things just to make your life a little bit easier without being asked, without being told. And they do it with no expectation, completely unconditional. You know, that's what your idea is. And if you're living with a narcissist, you will never have that because they are not capable of those things. They're not capable of looking after your needs or even caring about what your needs are because they're so self absorbed about their own, they cannot look outside of themselves. So the moment you let go of that idea of what you thought your life was going to be, that's when you begin to take your power back. Now, if you're choosing to stay in this narcissistic relationship, all you can do is control you and create your own joy and happiness. Now is the time to face all of the things. For years or months, you've been trying to figure out, what are you doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? Why is your relationship not the same as when you first started dating? That's the most confusing part. Because at the beginning it was perfect, right? That's where you got all those dreams of what you thought your life was going to be, is how the relationship started. You know, you were. It's called love bombing. And you were completely love bombed and showered with all of the beautiful things. And yes, friends, this is, this is painful, but you have to be honest with yourself and surrender to that pain. Now's the time to tell yourself the truth. And yes, it is going to be hard. But in all honesty, the fear of feeling your pain and heartbreak is what's keeping you from moving forward. That is keeping you from creating the joy in your life right now. So it is time to surrender to that pain. Surrender to the situation and stop trying to change what you cannot change. You have to be greater than your trigger. Elevate above the narcissist and stop playing the games with the narcissist because I know where you are. You keep thinking that if you do the right thing, if you do him, do the Favors for him. You cook the right meal, you clean the car, you clean the house, you do everything for the kids so their life is not interrupted. That he will see you, that he will look at you and be so grateful and thankful and just so appreciative of having you in his life. But friends, that's not going to happen. It's not you. He is incapable of expressing and showing that to you. You have to be greater than your pain. It's time to stop reacting to the things that trigger you and the things that he does that hold you hostage and hold you captive in this dysfunctional relationship. You know, unhappiness has become your normal. And friends, that has to stop. I know how that feels. When unhappiness is normal and just getting through the day is normal, and when it's not too bad, then that's good enough. But you are worthy of happiness and you are greater than your childhood programming. Stop and think about that. It's important to understand why you allowed the narcissist in your life in the first place. That's where it begins. That's what you have to understand is why did you allow the narcissist in your life in the first place? In a past podcast, I did a series on codependency. I think it was four or five part series in codependency. And if you missed that podcast, please go back and take a listen. There's some valuable information in there that will help you get through this. But codependency is a result of a one way relationship that most likely happened when you were a child, which is how you became conditioned to what you will allow in your life as an adult. So where do you start? That was a little doom and gloomy and I apologize for that. But we have to get to the truth and we have to just be honest with each other and you have to be honest with yourself. So face your fear of feeling the pain and heartache. Face that fear, get over yourself and face the fear of rejection. And honestly, stop and think about it. How much harder is it going to be to face your fear and start dealing with what's going on than it is to face your narcissist every day and live under their control, which is worse? So your narcissist control is what your normal is right now. So that's less scary because it's predictable. You have a little bit of an armor around yourself because you know what to expect. Now you're going to be facing the fear of your feelings and the pain and heartache that goes along with that. So it is a little scary and I understand that. But you are worth this hard work. It's imperative that you start focusing on yourself, your self love and self care is where it begins. You must start building healthy boundaries. I would suggest, and this might seem like an odd suggestion, but let me explain. I suggest that you don't tell anyone that you are starting to do this work unless you are in an outside support group or accountability group of people that are not in your inner circle. But don't tell anyone that you've started to do this work, that you are starting to create healthy boundaries around your narcissist. This is all for you and no one else. And don't look for validation from other people. And you know, telling your best friend, hey, I'm going to start working on myself and build boundaries around my narcissistic husband. Well, definitely don't do that. Because here's the thing. As you start understanding about the narcissist in your life, chances are you may have more than one there. You just don't know it yet. So don't look for that validation. Focus on you. Focus on the inside. Definitely don't tell the narcissist that you're working on yourself because he will sabotage and manipulate you. Because from the get go, he will go back to those beginning stages of the relationship and suck you in again and love bomb all over you until he's got you. And then the dysfunction starts all over again. That vicious cycle starts right back up. So living with the narcissist has forced you to change. You have to change. Only you can change you. No one else is going to do this for you. You and your greatest power is changing you because you're the only person you are in control of. Remember earlier I said you have to come to grips with what you can and cannot control. No more reacting to those things that are out of your control. And I want you to sit back and start really observing the madness around you. Don't get involved in the madness. Don't react to the madness. Just sit back and observe what's going on around you. Take mental note of how crazy and dysfunctional he is. Stop at all costs trying to fix him, friends. He is not fixable. A narcissist is not fixable, but you are. You are my friend. You are fixable. So let's kick this off with get your morning routine going. I mean hardcore morning routine. Get up at the same time, your alarm clock goes off at the same time every single day. And the very first decision that you make each morning is to get out of bed immediately when the alarm goes off. None of that. Oh, what? Want to get up? I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to stay in bed all day. That is not a healthy way. It's not a healthy mental mindset at all to kick your day off with. So start getting up early, same time every day. Have one alarm clock in your phone. Don't have all these snoozes that you can rely on. Get up right away and say something positive when the minute your feet hit the floor. I'm going to have a great day. This is going to be an incredible day. Get some exercise in every single morning. I don't care if you just have to do, you know, 10 flights of going up and down your steps at home or walk around the block or go to the gym, whatever that looks like for you. You have to start moving your body and start taking care of yourself. Take care of your body by eating healthy. Feed your body with what it needs. Don't abuse your body with junk food because you are in a state of defeat. You know when you're in a bad place, when your head's in a bad place, do you want to take care of yourself? No. You barely like yourself. Fall back in love with yourself and start taking care of you. It doesn't mean a heavy regiment of going to the gym. I love going to the gym. That's one of my favorite things. I go every single morning, five days a week, and I love it. That may not be your jam, that's fine. But do something to move your body and take care of it. Get rid of the junk food. Get rid of the processed foods and the sugar and all the things that you know that you don't need. Don't sabotage yourself because you're in a defeated mental mindset right now. Get out your journal. Go buy a beautiful journal and start writing every single day. Write about gratitude and abundance every single day. Write down five things you're grateful for. Five things and the abundance that you have in your life. Don't write about what you don't have. Don't write about the fight you had last night or the crazy dysfunction you live with. Don't write about those things. Because if you're writing about them, then you're thinking about them. And what you think about and obsess about is what you breathe life into. Breathe life into gratitude. Breathe life into abundance. Every day you're going to do this. Write about what you do have, not about what you don't have. And every morning, give yourself time for meditation or prayer. Give yourself that time to connect on a deeper level with whether you're a Jesus follower or not a Jesus follower. That doesn't matter. Give yourself that time to meditate or go to the Lord in prayer. And don't be tempted, friends, to share what you're doing. Stop looking for validation outside of yourself when you're doing this work. It's what you've been trained to do. When you're living with a narcissist or come from a challenging childhood, you are looking for constant validation. You're looking for someone to say, well done. That looks great, way to go. But friends, all you need right now is you. You need your validation. That's what's going to get you through this, is your validation by doing this work in private. This is another really, really important factor. By doing this work in private, you may uncover other narcissists in your life that you didn't even know were there. Because if you've allowed one narcissist in your life, chances are there are more. And this is you finding your truth. Period. That's all. That's all it is. You finding your truth, coming to terms with your truth and building healthy boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. Because you know if you give a narcissist an inch, they will take a mile. And you know what I'm talking about. So you're going to step back from the narcissist chaos, that vicious cycle of chaos and mental abuse that they do every day. It's a mental game. It's a head game every day. And you're not going to play the game anymore. You're taking your power back and you're not going to be sucked into his dysfunction. That's how you're going to survive this. That's how you are going to create the best possible life you can while living with your narcissist. It doesn't mean that you don't love your narcissist, because chances are there's a lot about him that you really, really do love. But you also have to come to a realization that he is the way he is. He is a narcissist, and there is no cure for that. He's not going to change. So through all of this hard work and friends, when I said mental olympics, I meant it. It is mental Olympics. You're going to feel times where you're going to get sucked back into the dysfunction, but you have to fight that. You will find the more connected you become with yourself, the less power the narcissist has over you. So get connected with you, my friend. Put those boundaries in place. Sit back and observe and just observe the narcissistic tendencies that are going on around you and make mental note of things that they're saying, things that they're doing, and realize how truly dysfunctional they are. And then understand that you have no control over that. You can only control you. And that's a beautiful thing. Keep going while you are growing. Don't allow yourself to get pulled back into the dysfunction. Choose loving yourself over fear. Isn't that incredible? Choose loving yourself over fear. People who live in fear are easy to control. Let that sink in. People who live in fear are easy to control. So, friends, if you're living in fear right now, fear of facing the music, facing your reality, of facing the reality of what your relationship really is, the embarrassment, all of those things, Understand this. If you're living in fear, you are easy to control. And I know you want a better life than that. And you are not selfish. You are not selfish for wanting out of a toxic relationship. Because let's be honest, I know that's not what you signed up for. I know that's not what you thought you were getting when you married him. You didn't think you were getting a dysfunctional narcissist. You thought you were getting the love of your life. You thought that this was your first and last chance at really, really incredible, unconditional love. And it's scary and sad and heartbreaking when you realize it's not what you thought it was. But I want you to face that fear, face those facts, and start putting a plan in place for you to live your very best life. Friends, you can do this. You can do hard things. Please, please reach out to me. At any time, anytime. Reach out to me. Send me a dm. If you're a part of our Facebook group, please send me a message through that group. Any. Reach out to me and let's have a conversation. I am here for you. I've been where you are. I know exactly how you feel at this very moment. And I'm here to tell you you can do hard things. Friends, thank you so much for being here today. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support and all of the great things that I get to do when I serve you. Make it a great week and I will see you next week.

Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time.