Identifying Toxic Relationships Part 4

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean. Hello, friends, and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. I'm so glad you're here today. Today is Identify Toxic Relationships part four. We took a little break from our series last week and we had an incredible conversation with Lori Griffin. If you missed that, please go back and listen to it. It was so, so good. But I want to pick back up with Identifying Toxic Relationships. And before we get started with today's really, really important topic, I want to talk to you a little bit first of all, about the second Self Care Mastery course coming up, and it begins on March 15th. So, friends, you have 15 days to make the decision to sign up to start changing your life. So in all of the topics that we've talked about in this series, all of these things are directly related to how you love yourself and how you see yourself. So if you are finding yourself in this vicious cycle of toxic people and toxic relationships, friends, I'm here to tell you the reason for that is deep down inside, you do not see and you do not understand your worth and your value. I'm going to just let that sink in for just a second. You do not see your worth and you do not believe in your value. You allow things in your life that you would never allow. You allow things to happen to you that if this were happening to your sister, your best friend, or your child, you would never allow it, but you allow it for yourself. Why? Why do you do that? Well, I can tell you. In the Self Care Mastery course, Learning to Love Yourself from the Inside out, we address all, all of those issues. So the red flags that you are missing in toxic relationships or dealing with a narcissist, once you go through that course, you will no longer miss those red flags. Your intuition is going to be on high alert for all things that do not serve you. So, friends, please go to my website, Pamela Jeanneannew life.com family founding members. Yes, I said founding members. I'm going to let you in to the founding members option because you are here listening to this podcast. So a little freebie and just a little something extra for those of you that have tuned into this week's episode. All right, friends, here we go. Let's get started. So today's lesson is about. This is part four, as I said earlier, but today's lesson, we are going to talk about gaslighting and then we are going to talk about how someone in a toxic relation or a narcissist, they dance around defining what your relationship is. So let's dive into gaslighting. So first of all friends, gaslighting is a form. It's emotional abuse and it's manipulation at its finest. And someone who is extremely toxic and narcissistic, they are very, very good at it. And what that means is they will spin a situation out of control and they will blame you for it. And they will absolutely 1000% get you to believe that it was your fault. They will stick to their guns, they will not bend, they will not compromise in any way. And quite honestly, they don't even know how to. They will tell blatant lies, straight faced even when you know the truth, but they will still lie about something. But keeping you on your heels and keeping you wondering is always the goal of a toxic person or a narcissist. And they will do this at absolutely any cost. By the time they're finished, you will be dazed and confused and you will have no clue what just happened. In fact, you are going to be walking away from that. If you had an incident or an argument or a disagreement or a fight, you're going to walk away from that situation scratching your head, wondering how, how did it end that way? How is this my fault? So if you have experienced that and you've just never been able to figure out what is that? Friends, that is gaslighting. So here's a few points to identify. If you're being manipulated by a narcissist or toxic person via gaslighting, you are no longer the person you once were. When you step back and think about who you were before the relationship with this person, think about who you were prior to. And this is a great time to get out a journal and just start writing things down. How have you changed? How are you different? Is your moral compass? Has that been adjusted? Is your value system skewed compared to what it used to be? Do you tolerate abuse verbally and physically for that matter, that you have never tolerated before? So that's point number one that I want to share with you is that you are no longer the person that you once were. The next thing is you wonder if you're losing it. You start to think you know and gaslighting is kind of like brainwashing. And after you have been brainwashed long enough, you are the one who starts feeling crazy and you'll start wondering if you're losing it, why can't I figure this out, why am I not happy? What do I keep doing wrong? Why do we keep having this conflict? What is my fault? It's my fault. It's my fault. Why can't I get this right? You will begin to start wondering if you are losing it. The next thing is you start making excuses for your partner's behavior. So let's say you've had, you know, a big family gathering and you have your family with you, Your parents, your grandparents, a whole big family reunion. And your partner has created a scene. Their narcissistic tendencies, their toxic tendencies were out of control that day, and they created a scene about something, and you are left to mop up the mess, the verbal mess. And you also are making excuses for your partner. So maybe you start saying to your mother or your father or your sister, well, he's just had a really bad day at work. Work has been very stressful. You know, things are just a little bit difficult on the home front. You're making excuses for their behavior. That is most definitely a sign that you're in that toxic relationship and you are dealing with someone who is gaslighting you. Another thing is you start to think that you're too sensitive, that every thing conflict that you're having with your partner blows up, and you're looking at yourself like, well, you are just far too sensitive. You need to toughen up. You need to suck it up. The next thing is you always feel like you are screwing things up, that you are messing up, that you are the problem. Friends, that is probably the biggest goal of a narcissist or a toxic relationship is to place the blame onto yourself, onto you. The narcissist is placing the blame onto their victim, onto their partner, to get them to think that you are the problem. Because quite honestly, that toxic individual will never be able to take responsibility and own up to their part in a conflict. Do you. Do you find yourself always apologizing? Are you the one who says I'm sorry first? Are you the one that is always apologizing? How many times a day do you apologize for something? Big things, little things, it doesn't matter. Are you the one that's always apologizing and you find yourself apologizing and then you don't really even know what you apologized for, but you just say, I'm sorry because you don't know what else to say because clearly whatever just happened must be your fault. That if the person you're with is not happy, somehow it's your fault that they are not Happy. That's a very big red flag. If you're in a toxic relationship, the next thing that they might do if they are gaslighting you is they will attack whatever is important to you. So, for instance, if you have decided into this new year that you are going to go on a health journey, that you are going to lose the 25, 35, 45 pounds, whatever that is, you're going to lose the weight and you're going to take control of your health. You, you're taking your health back and let's say that you've really having some great success. Your goal is to lose £40 and you're at the 20 pound mark and you're so proud and you're so excited and they attack you with that. They might say something. Well, all you only care about now is yourself because all you do is go to the gym. All you do is worry about what food you eat. You don't worry about anybody but you. They attack whatever is important to you. Another example is your children. They will attack you for the type of mother that you are. They will tell you that you're not a good mother. They will tell you that because you decided now to go on this health journey, you're putting yourself in front of your kids, you're hurting your children. Your children would be better off without you. That hurts. If you have ever had someone attack you on the type of mother you are, you'll know exactly what I mean. That hurts because I know most of you listening. You are incredible mothers. Being a mother is really hard, but it is the hardest, best job you could ever possibly have. And that's the thing is a narcissist or a toxic individual. They're going to attack whatever is important to you, whether it's your children, your career, your health journey, anything that you've done to improve yourself, they take that as a threat. When you pay more attention in their minds to the children than you do them, your children become a threat. So they will attack you in those areas that are really important to you. If you're an animal lover, they will attack your pets. They will threaten to harm your pets, they will threaten to get rid of them. And if you're like me, I'm a huge animal lover, and that's, that's a low blow. When they attack your animals, they attack your very foundation, the very foundation of your being. They attack who you are, they attack your belief system. Think about that. They attack your belief system, whatever that is for you, it is under attack by a narcissist because that is seen as a threat. Your belief system is something that they want to control as well. I was once told that I had gone off the religious deep end because I go to church on Sunday and I read the Bible every day. So I had gone off the religious deep end and I was close minded and judgmental. Those attacks on my value system left me feeling that it was me, that maybe I am the problem, maybe there is something wrong with me. These toxic individuals and narcissists, they will confuse you. They will use confusion as a mechanism to weaken you, keep you wondering if you're crazy. And here's the bottom line. By making you feel weak, it makes them feel incredibly strong. And here's the last point I'm going to share with you today. They try to align other people against you, at least make you think others are against you. They will say things like, well, so and so feels exactly the same way. I talked to them the other day and told them what you did and told them what you said and they feel the exact same way I do. They try to validate their position, their thought process and their dysfunction by aligning people that you care about, people in your community, your inner circle, your friendships, your colleagues, by aligning them against you. And because you're in such a weakened state, you would never even consider going to talk to that person that supposedly is aligned against you. Because partially that would be going against your partner, against that toxic person. And the other part of it is you probably don't want to find out if they really are against you. Because if they truly are, then that's one more person essentially telling you that you were the problem and you were the crazy one. Friends, I want you to know that gaslighting is emotional abuse. It's a control tactic. And if this is help happening in your life, please seek help. Hire a coach, find a counselor, a therapist, get help. This is not something that you can get through by yourself and you don't have to. That's the beautiful thing. You do not have to deal with this on your own. You don't have to get through it on your own. So please remember that you're not alone in this. More people than not are dealing with some type of toxicity in their life. You are so not alone. I don't know if you knew, but along with my self care mastery course, I also offer one on one coaching. And in the one on one coaching, we work and get in the weeds with the issues in life. And I guide you through that process. I hold your Hand, we create a one on one coaching platform specifically for your needs. It's an incredible process, the one on one coaching. I have my own coach. Everyone needs a coach. We all need a coach, a counselor, a therapist. Please get help. And also consider the self care mastery course. Because once you go through this course of learning to love yourself and having a self love strategy, you will not allow toxic people in your life because you are going to see them coming a mile away. All the red flags are going to show themselves to you. Okay, so the next thing I want to talk about is how a toxic person or a narcissist, they kind of dance around defining your relationship. This applies when you are dating and if you're married. So if you're dating, they, they may not want to give the relationship a title. They may not want to 100% commit to you, keep you feeling like you're a tiny bit on the fringe, that, well, you think you're dating, you think that you are an exclusive couple, but yet they don't necessarily say that you are, clearly. So they keep you on your heels, they keep you wondering, they keep you second guessing, they keep you, like I said, on the fringe, just not quite knowing if you are or not. Sometimes they'll avoid giving it a title, but they will expect the benefits of being in a relationship. Intimacy, emotional connection, sexual benefits. They'll have that expectation of all of those things, but yet they're not willing to 110% declare the relationship the title. And as women, I think we need that clarity. We need to know that we're loved. We need to know that we are exclusive and we take exclusivity in relationships very seriously. I know we do. I know I do. And when someone is not willing to title, commit, even if you're just dating, to commit, run, flee, get out of that relationship. This is not your person. Now, even while married, a narcissistic partner or a toxic individual will flirt with other women and they will really think other women want to be hit on by a married man. They will see nothing wrong with that. They will tell you things like, I'm just appreciating beauty. I'm just complimenting her because she's a beautiful woman. Even if that hits your insecurities. Your insecurities in a narcissist mind are your problems. Part of keeping you insecure is the part that they love because that's the part that controls you as long as you are insecure and as long as you have questions and doubts of yourself. And like I was saying you don't have that full love of yourself, they're going to keep you on your heels because that's how they can control you the most. When you have those insecurities, if you confront them about flirting with someone or hitting on another woman, even when you're sitting right there, they will make you feel like you are the problem. You are overreacting. And if they didn't touch or cross the line, I say that in quotes. That was harmless flirting. There's nothing wrong with harmless flirting. As long as I didn't touch and as long as I didn't cross the line. Friends, if you have someone in your life like that, truly, whether you're married or if you're dating, that is a giant red flag that they care more about feeding themselves as a narcissist and building themselves up and making themselves feel better. They do not care what this is doing to you. That's a harsh reality. You will be left feeling overly sensitive and they will tell you that you made a big deal out of nothing and ultimately you are going to feel completely worthless and unloved. I've been there. I have felt worthless and I have felt unloved. I know how that feels. And the best thing that I did for myself was do the hard work. Do the very, very hard work. And learning to love myself and truly embracing the idea that happiness is an inside job. I do not need another person on the planet to make me happy. I am happy being alone with myself. I'm happy doing things by myself. I am happy with who I am. And I've been able to see myself in the perfect, beautiful creation of a person that God created me to be. And that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing in the world when you absolutely, unconditionally love yourself. So I have one more big surprise. Starting today. Starting today, March 1st, I have a 15 day self love challenge. If you are interested in signing up for this challenge, I want you to send me an email. Pamela Jean anewlifemail.com or you can go to my website. You will find information there as well. And you can connect with me on social media, Instagram, Facebook. Just send me a dm. I answer those very, very promptly. I would love to have you as part of this journal journey. It's a daily process, a daily prompt that we go through encouraging you to start that self love journey. If you participate wildly in this challenge, one person who participates will be given a free access to the Self Care Mastery course, Learning to Love Yourself. REM the Inside Out. A free subscription to that course. So I would love to have you follow me on that journey. I would love to have you sign up as a founding member. That's a benefit I'm giving to the podcast listeners only. It is not public. It is to the listeners here only. Friends, I just want to leave you with this today. If you are in a toxic relationship in any way, shape or form, if it's someone that you can eliminate from your life easily, then start doing that. Start placing those healthy boundaries in your life. Start building that wall between you and that toxic individual and start weaning yourself away from that relationship. Now, if you're in, if it's family, that is your toxic relationship, that gets a little trickier because you can't ditch your family, you know, Although sometimes you have to ditch family. And that's what you need to do. That's what you need to do. But it's a little more delicate. Start the healthy boundaries. Start writing down the times where they're gaslighting you. Writing down the things where they're taking advantage of you. Just start the journaling process. As you start journaling and becoming more aware of their manipulation, the easier it will be for you to start establishing those boundaries. And then at the end of the day, friends, you've got to do the hard work on yourself. You have to do the self care. You have to love yourself for you to have the strength, the knowledge and the tenacity to get away from the grips of a narcissist and that toxic relationship. I believe in you. I believe in you more than you can even imagine. And friends, you can do hard things with that. I'm gonna leave you. Make it a great day. Have a great Monday. Have an incredible week, friends, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for being here. Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time. Sam.