Identifying Toxic Relationships Part 5

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean.

Hello friends and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. So excited to have you here. I am every week so excited to to talk to you and bring you great conversation. Okay, so today is March 8, 2021. One week, my friends. Seven days, my friends until my self care mastery course. Learning to live your Love yourself from the Inside out releases. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to bring you this life changing coaching and teaching and sharing and growth. I know you're ready for it, I know you need it and I'm excited to see you all there. I want to share a little bit about the course. It is 12 weeks long. I know that sounds like a long time, but there's a reason why it's 12 weeks. Essentially 12 weeks is three months. And experts say it takes 30 days to establish a habit. It takes 90 days to establish a lifestyle. I am not teaching this course for you to fail. I'm not teaching this course for you to not finish what you start. So promise me that you can commit to yourself for at least 30 days to create the habit of self loving and doing hard work. And then after you make it the first 30 days, that's only four courses, that's four modules, four classes. Once a week you'll be given a new topic. Promise me that you can give yourself the next eight weeks following to create a new lifestyle. Friends, I want you to have what I have. I want you to love yourself in the same way that I love myself. Because when that happens, I can't even, I can't even begin to tell you how the floodgates of positivity and life is good isms will happen in your life. They are there everywhere I turn. It's a beautiful, beautiful place. And life wasn't always like that for me. I've had to do the hard work and I think anyone that you might look up to or anyone that you think, wow, she's really got it together. She's doing great things. We all have had our struggles, all of us have. Imagine what your life will be like when you no longer have these struggles, the struggles that you're currently having, the suppression that you're currently under. Imagine when that goes away, all the beautiful things that will happen in your life. Not only will you love yourself, but you're going to see your career advance, opportunities are going to show themselves in ways that you've never seen before. Relationships. Oh my goodness. Goodness. The people that will come into your life after you've done this work, it's going to blow your mind. And what do you have to lose? Well, I'll tell you what you have to lose when you start creating a new life. The thing that you have to lose is your old one. So if your current and old life is the one that you want to hang on to, then ignore what I just said. But if you want that new life, if you want life is good isms going through your entire being, then sign up for this course. Friends, it's absolutely worth it. You can go to my website, Pamela Jean A New Life dot com. There will be information there to sign up. You can also send me a DM or email me. I'm pretty easy to get a hold of. Okay, so today's topic is Identifying Toxic Relationships, Part five. We have three pain points that we're going to talk about today. Three topics, I guess, to kind of dig through. And I hope you've enjoyed this series. It has been such a pleasure for me to deliver this information to you. Based on the feedback I have gotten from this audience and this community, you are loving it as well. If you've missed part one through four, go back and listen to them on my website, Pamela Jeanannewlife.com podcast or Apple podcast. You can download there as well as Spotify. So today's first topic is if you're in a narcissistic or a toxic relationship, that person will never apologize. They are always right. And excuse my language for saying this, but hell or high water, they are right all the time. Even when. Even when you know the truth and you know they're wrong. It's crazy how they hang on to this inability to never apologize or to have to be right in every single situation. How if you're in a conversation and it might even be something really silly, not even anything that really matters in life, it's the little things. Like, you know, hey, you forgot to shut the garage door last night. I did it. You didn't. You, you must have forgotten. I didn't forget. You forgot. Well, what's the big deal about that? But the fact that something so small and quite trivial creates such hostility and tension is mind blowing to me. So that's a big sign if there's someone who cannot apologize or if their apologies are just not heartfelt. And this just drives me crazy when they can't apologize and they cannot admit they're Wrong. They have a really, really hard time doing that. So if you find yourself again being the one that's always apologizing for everything, I want you to take a step back and think about all of those situations. Everything is not your fault. Now, you're not perfect, neither am I and neither is the person you're with. So there's a 50, 50 chance that part of the time it's your fault and part of the time it's their fault, right? That would make sense. Nothing is ever one sided like that. So I want you to take a step back and get out your journal again. You know, I'm a big person with my journal, so get out that journal. And I want you to start keeping track of how many times you apologize throughout a day. After you've been with a narcissist or a toxic person for a length of time, you are going to find almost a knee jerk comment that comes out of your mouth. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry. You're going to apologize all the time and it's almost going to be such a flippant reaction that even your apology isn't sincere because you don't even really know what you're apologizing for. So your narcissist is not capable of apologizing, Period. End of discussion. So stop waiting or expecting them to one day see the light. They're not going to. I want you to be awakened to the fact that they are never wrong. In their mind, they are never wrong. So for you to, I don't know, beat your head against the wall with an expectation that they will one day apologize or see what they've done or what they're doing. Friends, they're not going to be able to. So expecting an apology from them, it will just never happen. You will be disappointed, and this is another topic. But expectation in any relationship leads to disappointment because sometimes we have an expectation out of someone that they're simply not capable of. And that absolutely pertains to the narcissist. They are not capable of apologizing. They are not capable of admitting they're wrong. If you do happen to get an apology from a narcissist, it might sound something like this. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. If. If I did that to you, I'm sorry. If I forgot to do that, I'm sorry. The word if should never be in front of an apology. Apology is meant to own your mistake. An apology is meant to own your part in the downfall In a situation or a relationship. The word if should never precede an apology. So I want you to think about that. You are not always wrong. Everything is not your fault. And again, get out that journal and start writing down how many times you apologize to the person in that relationship, family, friend, sister, spouse, boyfriend, whatever. And start keeping track of how many times you are apologizing throughout a day. So we're winding down our Toxic relationship series a little bit and I hope that if you've listened to all of these segments, you are starting to think that, you know what, maybe I need to break up with this person. Maybe I need to exit this relationship. Well, when you start to end a relationship with a toxic person, they will panic. They will panic and they will resort to a lot of the things that they did when the relationship first started. So as soon as you start backing away, they're going to feel a sense of abandonment. And if you're truly dealing with a narcissist, abandonment is something that's very familiar to them. And they probably experienced some type of abandonment at a very young age. Perhaps a mother left the picture early or they were abandoned by a father, or feeling unloved as a young child. So they will lean in hard to the tactics that they used at the beginning of your relationship. As soon as they feel that they might lose you, they are going to work so hard to, and I'm putting this in quotations, make it work. But I want you to be aware of this, that tactic is only temporary. If they are trying to make it work and they're doing all the things that they did during your courting stage of your relationship or your friendship during that court courting where you know, hey, let's go have coffee, let's go do this together, let's go shopping. Or the courting of a dating relationship where they wind and dined you, they bought you gifts, they sent you flowers, all of those things are going to come back to the surface because that's how they got you in the first place. They're going to resort to their original tactics. But I want you to be aware of this. And this is so important, friends, this is only temporary. You are like a drug fix to a narcissist. And they will do whatever it takes to get their fix, but it is only temporary. They will not be able to keep it up as long as you need them to keep it up. It'll be a temporary fix for them. They will continue the passive aggressive courting until they find someone else to date or someone else to be with, they're going to look for someone who is green, someone who is not as wise as you because you have had time to wise up to their behavior. And they are going to start all over with someone else. They're going to find a new victim. They are going to find a new victim. Friends, I want you to hear that. That's hard to hear, but it is very true. And I want you to be aware of this as well. In the mind of a narcissist, all of the problems that you've had in your relationship, they are your fault. You are the problem. You are the problem. You are the reason why the relationship is not working. Because in reality, you are demanding things from the narcissist that they are not capable of. But I promise you, friends, your demands, your needs, your expectations are not unreasonable. But in the mind of a narcissist or a toxic person, you are the problem. Because they, in their mind, are not capable of taking responsible responsibility for the demise of a relationship. They're just not. Everything will be somebody else's fault. Whether they are in a marriage, in a dating situation, even in their job, it's somebody else's fault. If they got kicked off the basketball team when they were in college, well, it was somebody else's fault. If they failed a class in high school, it was the teacher's fault. If they didn't have a car to drive when they turned 16, it was their parents fault. It was dad's fault because he left when I was 12. It's mom's fault because she left when I was 2. Everything wrong in their life is somebody else's fault. So if you are in a relationship with someone and in a conversation you hear them talking about problems they've had, life experiences they've had, and they are blaming other people. Friends, that is a giant red flag. Please be aware of that. Do not take that lightly and do not pity them. Because times like that are the times where you need to just turn and walk away. Walk away. Because I'm here to tell you that problems in people's lives are their fault too. The issues and problems I've had in my life, I'm at fault for those. I take responsibility for my part in those problems I've had. A narcissist will not be capable of doing that. They cannot look in the mirror and say, I shouldn't have done this, I shouldn't have done that. They cannot take responsibility. And it's important that when you Start to recognize and realize those red flags. If you're in the right situation, just turn around and walk away. So my last point in this five part series is this. When you are finally done with that toxic narcissistic relationship, I mean you are finished. You have mustered up the strength, you have worked on yourself, you are ready to walk away and you have made the decision to end that relationship. I promise you, be ready for this. They will lash out at you and they will lash out you in the ugliest possible way. Don't be surprised when you hear them bad mouthing you and making you out to be the bad person in the relationship they will talk about from day one. You did this, you did that. I want you to realize their ego is so badly bruised and damaged, lashing out at you is the only answer for them. Because if you remember what I said, they're not capable of taking responsibility for claiming and owning fault, let alone giving you an apology. They will lash out to you. They will say things about you, to your friends, to your colleagues, to your family. They will try to throw you under the bus any chance they get. And the reason they do this is because again, their egos are so badly bruised and damaged, it's all that's the only coping mechanism they have, is to blame someone else. When you see them on social media, you're going to see them talking about how great life is, how things are so much better. That's going to hurt. That's absolutely going to hurt. But let me give you a piece of advice. If there's any way possible, you must delete that narcissist and that toxic person from your life completely. That means no contact. That means no contact through social media, through Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok, anything. Just block and delete that person, Block and delete them from your phone so no more text messages can come in at two in the morning when they decide they want to go on a rant and make you feel bad. You have to go no contact. It's the only way. I would like you to think about it like someone who's maybe an alcoholic. When you know you're an alcoholic and you go through treatment for being an alcoholic, that doesn't mean you can just have one glass, one cocktail, one glass of wine. You can't. It's no contact. Same thing with drugs, it's no contact. Well, when you leave a narcissist and you leave that toxic relationship, friends, it has to be no contact. No contact for a very long time until you are strong until you have those healthy, healthy boundaries in place and you have a line in front of you that no one gets to cross unless you decide side. I think a narcissist will feel. If you think that the narcissist in your life is going to feel bad and have regrets and miss you, they will never speak the words. You'll never hear that from a narcissist making themselves look good in all situations and is the only things that will matter to them. So if you're leaving a marriage that you've been together for many, many years and think that maybe the narcissist will miss, you will think, you know, well, it wasn't so bad all the time. They won't. They won't. And that's okay. Because what you need to do for you right now is you need to look forward, not behind. Look forward to your new life. Look forward to what you're creating for yourself. A narcissist will do anything to make them look better than you. And I just want you to know one last thing and really, really embrace this. I want to wrap you up in a hug today because if you're listening to this podcast that tells me that you are in a narcissistic, toxic relationship or you have been and you're healing from it, I want to wrap you in a hug today because I know how you feel. It's hard and it hurts. But I want you to imagine your life for just a few minutes. What will your life look like in six months after doing all of this hard work and diving in to loving yourself and learning who you are and why you are the way you are? What is it going to look like a year from now when you have taken the time to go back to that inner child? You go back to that little girl, the little girl that still hurts. And you re parent her. You re parent her for things that she was never parented for years ago. Trauma that went unnoticed, trauma that went unspoken. But you go back and you wrap that little girl in a hug. You tell her it's okay. You tell her that she's loved, and you let her know that she was never really alone, even though she may have felt she was alone. When you do that hard work, when you take the time to go back and understand why you are truly the way you are, a year from now, you will not even recognize yourself. It's all up from here, my friends. You have a great, incredible life ahead of you, and I want you to live it. So friends with that, I'M going to leave you with this. One week from today, my Self Care Mastery Course begins Learning to Love Yourself from the Inside Out. It's an incredible course. I have put my heart and soul into creating the content and the lessons. I will guide you through the process. You're not alone in this process. You will have a community of women that are in the course with you. I will speak to you weekly via Facebook live in a private group and you can ask any question you want to ask. You can talk about anything you want to talk about. It's a course, friends, designed to truly give you the tools to help you start creating a new life for yourself. Go to my website, Pamela Jeanannewlife.com and you can find information there. Email me Pamela jeanlifemail.com or send me a DM. You'll find me on Clubhouse, amelajean, Instagram, PamelaJeanewlife and Facebook. You'll find me in all of those platforms. Friends make this an incredible week. Spring is right around the corner. I love spring. It just, it makes me feel like the creation of new life, a new season beginning soon, towards the end of this month. And I just love the idea of fresh starts and spring gives me that feeling of a fresh start. I hope that for you. Have a great week my friends. Take good care and I'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time.