Managing Stress at a Stressful Time of Year

Welcome to A New Life podcast with Pamela Jean, where it's all about empowering women to empower more women. Get ready, friends, to create a new life. And here is your host, Pamela Jean. Hello, my friends and welcome to this week's episode of A New Life podcast. I'm Pamela Jean, your host. I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you. Thank you for being with me. I know this is a busy, busy time of the year. We're hitting the first part of December. Christmas is knocking on our door. We just celebrated Thanksgiving a couple of weeks ago and here we are into a whole new season. I'm excited, especially about my episode today because I have a guest and I can't wait for you to meet her. She is a stress management expert. Can you relate to stress at the holidays? I think every single one of us can relate to stress. Maybe the stress is something we increase ourselves. Maybe the stress is put on from family or work or finances. But stress comes in many forms. But Lolita here today is going to talk to us about stress management and give us some really, really fantastic tips to help us get through the holiday season. Lolita is a published author living in Houston, Texas. As I said, she is a stress management expert. She has created online courses to help you lower your burnout rate and increase your energy as well as your well being. Her website, if you want to grab your pen real quickly, her website is bamazingyou.com that's bamazingyou.com you are going to want to check out her website. She's got a ton of great information. But without further ado, Lolita, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much, Pamela, for inviting me.

I'm glad to have you, Lolita. I've got some questions for you and I just can't wait for you to pour into our community and this audience, helping them with relieving some stress over the holidays. The first question I have for you, Lolita, is how did your past experiences impact the work that you have committed your life to today?

Well, as soon I start talking, usually people immediately can tell that I am not native Houstonian. I came here from Lithuania, oh my gosh, 23 years ago now. And I came here to live my American dream. And I knew that that's the land of possibilities if I will be working hard. And let me tell you, I was working hard like a lot of listeners, I'm sure, and I was doing overtime and I was doing weekends and, and I saw the opportunities that I can handle more projects and I was asking for more responsibilities. And of course I wanted to prove myself and to project manager, my co workers, that I can do hours, just go, go, go. And you probably already can tell that probably didn't end well for me because I had barely no exercise time for do anything except just go to ladies room. That was my biggest exercise. And they, you know, like in the break room most of the time is pizza and donuts and whatever I was able to grab. And I just worked to the point and obviously that was very stressful. I burned myself down to the point that it impacted so much my health and through my hormones and. And ladies, now hormones. If that's messed up, it's not a happy life. And I end up really in the emergency room because of that. So I realized that, okay, this is not the way to go. And you know, and I had some friends, they were saying, oh, come on, just pop a pill and you'll be fine. And I'm like, I am not like depressed or something. I just, I'm burned out. And physically it impacted my body and I couldn't do that anymore. And, you know, when you think about it, nature also has stress some sort, right? When you walk somewhere, like you walking around, you see grass growing through the concrete, right? I bet that grass stressed growing through it, right? So it's a natural thing, an environment to have stress. But that our problem is that we do not turn off. And in our society we get a medal or a good word for very hard working, especially in this country, I think. And I realized that I don't want to take pills, I don't want to do this some sort of other way. There are plenty of natural ways. And then I start learning how I can manage my time better, how I can do meditation, yoga and all of those things. And what I realize later on that it impacted a lot also how I was reacting to stress and anxiety because it had to do with that. I grew up in the dysfunctional family. My dad was an alcoholic, and I'm only one child, so I didn't have siblings that I could feel like in the group, you know. And so when my dad will come back home drunk, I will be all alone. And that was terrifying. And of course, my mom did an awesome job of keeping the family together and keeping the balance as much as she could. But I'm sure she was also very stressed through all the things that were happening. And I'm very grateful that my dad got help and he's not drinking anymore. But the damage is done from me being Grown in a dysfunctional family. And I realized that there are many things that comes to stress management that we can do, like meditation, diary writing, and all of those self help techniques that are very helpful and very popular to use. But I think if someone grew up in an environment that they have very low self esteem or don't belong, like feeling of they don't belong or like they have abandonment issues, they will feel like they don't even deserve to be loved or being healed or even don't deserve to take that time. And so when they start learning all of that, it helped me tremendously to work through my childhood trauma and also realize that, you know, doing yoga is really a bandage that you need to still attend to the wound. And when I made those discoveries, I started helping my friends. And I'm just so passionate about, you know, spreading the word and saying, hey, you're worthy. You are awesome. You can do this, you can be healthy and happy. And then I become coach. And I think there's many ways that we can help ourselves. And I am so grateful to be on this podcast family helping me to spread my word, because I know we all are worthy. And so, yeah, I didn't wake up one day and said I'm going to be a stress management coach or an expert. I just really was led to that and just one day happened. And in a way, I'm very grateful that happened to me because when I went through the process, I know it worked for me and I hope to inspire others to do the same for themselves.

Oh, my gosh, Lolita, thank you for sharing your story so, so transparently. I have a couple of questions if you don't mind me asking. How old were you when you came to the United States from lithuania?

I was 24.

Okay, maybe you said that and I missed that, but I just wanted to get that in my brain again. So you were a young woman who moved here. Another question I have is, how old were you when you realized the dysfunction that you were living in?

It took a while. I was already in my 30s when I realized when really the health crisis hit me. And that's why I was like, how is this going to happen to me? I mean, I'm in my 30s, I'm young, I'm not sick. And what do you mean? Only old people get sick and I shouldn't have those health problems. And that's when it really hit me to realize that the age really doesn't matter. And there was something wrong the way I operate my life. And then the more I Start digging into how to manage stress. Naturally, I came across, actually, I was reading a business book about how to do business because I started my coaching business. And in one of those books, I read that the author was a daughter of an alcoholic father and she mentioned that there are some books for adult children of alcoholics. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is me. I didn't even realize that's the thing. And yeah, it took years to realize that, but I'm so grateful that I realized that earlier rather than later.

Oh, I think that's so important that the audience understands that it doesn't have to be a trauma that happened yesterday that has created a circumstance that leads to stress or dysfunction or that vicious cycle. It can be something that is so deep rooted from many, many years ago that you don't even discover until you're an adult woman. As you said in your 30s, before you really realized where some of your reactions to life were coming from. You had your health crisis and it brought up all of those things. I think it's important to understand that sometimes what is failing us is something that you don't even know is there. So having the foresight to go to the doctor, get the help that you need, do your research and do your work, I think is really, really important. And I also want commend you, Lolita, on the fact of, you know, we all, every single person who walks on this earth has problems, have issues. No one goes through life unscathed without bumps and bruises and wounds and, you know, gaping hearts at times. It's different for everyone, but everyone is walking their own walk, is carrying, has a cross to bear, has problems and circumstances. And if we can wrap our mind around those problems, not as a victim, not saying, oh, poor me, why did I have to grow up with a alcoholic father? Why did I have, you know, why did my mother die when I was 10 years old? If we can turn those why me? Moments into why not me and understand that those circumstances are really there for us to impact the world. They add to the purpose that we have and the purpose of why we're here on the earth. And it sounds like, Lolita, you have definitely leaned into your purpose and I'm so happy for you.

Well, thank you. Thank you. And I think my biggest purpose to, to really get the message out that whatever happened to you has nothing so damaging that you cannot change. And one thing that really hit home when I realized that I did nothing wrong, really, it doesn't matter. When you are maybe five years old and maybe now you're 50 years old, you, you never do anything wrong. I don't think there's a person that wakes up in the morning, especially in the family environment and says, you know what? I'm going to be hurting my kids and loved ones because it's fun. I don't, I don't think so. I think we all have childhood traumas that can look very, such a small thing for one person, but for the other person could be a very big deal. Let's say a parent ignores the child when she comes to ask daddy, daddy, please play with me. And the father is on an important call and he walks away from her. She can have a trauma of thinking men don't like me. Just a simple thing of even putting baby in a crib can influence the adult life. And that's not even my invention. And obviously there's so much books and programs are written about childhood trauma that it's just incredible to realize how much we impacted like the first seven years of your life impacting make an imprint in your brain. But my news is what really helped me when I started on this journey realizing that you know what, Even if that's what the childhood I had and you know, the beauty about this is this is what makes us, you know, that's what we're unique and unique, it's. That's the beauty of isness of God, of this life. If we be all the same, it will be really, really boring. And then when I realize I'm not damaged, I'm unique and that's the purpose of life. And it can change, you can change that. But the difficulty is when I talk with my coaching clients, like lots of coaching or dieting or exercise or anything, when someone starts on their love and care journey, especially someone who comes from a wounded childhood and they have very low self esteem and worse than that, when they think they have to punish themselves because parents were not happy with them. And when you think about it, how is 5 years old child will be of guilt of doing something in the family. There's no way, right? When you're an adult, you understand this. But when you're a child, you think you did something wrong, that your parents got divorced, right? Or somebody is abusing you, you think it's your fault. And this really carries into adulthood and you did nothing wrong and you can change that. The beauty of this that one made you. And when I understood that there's nothing wrong with me, I choosing every moment I live in my life to realize that I can change this. There's nothing wrong. And I trust and finally gain belief in myself and faith that everything will be okay. And I can do this. Then I have clients who they, their diets start finally working. The exercise regime works when they start managing the stress. And you know what this is goes into more like for example relationships. Imagine that someone doesn't even believe that they are worthy of finding a real relationship or the, the fulfilling relationship. They, they will, will not be succeeding in this. And I've seen lots of like diet programs the same way somebody could be dieting and they're like oh yeah, just starting out new probably program. And you're like already looking great next week. And some of us are struggling through years because keeping weight sometimes is serving you. And you know, I, I have lots of clients that don't like my question. It's a very hardcore question like how it's just serving you. And really when you think about it, especially if we grew up in an environment that we think that pain equals love. Especially when they're showing us attention was and violent way like my dad never beat me or anything like that. But I'm just talking in general someone who were neglected somehow and they think this is how love supposed to look like. Well guess what? When you will start on your self love journey, you know when they did those big words you have to love yourself. Well what if love for you in your mind, in your, you know, conscious belief is unconscious belief is suffering. So you're going to show that attention to yourself and your love by actually hurting you because it is serving you. It is serving you to hurt yourself because that's how you understand love is. So there's this process of you have to allow yourself to really allow yourself to feel what are your needs are. Especially if your needs were not met when you were a child. And it could be also for example if you grew up in a family that you know, let's say your mother tried her best and she was a single mother and she was not an addict, she was nothing. But she did not honor herself because she had to take care of everyone. She never took breaks. She always wanted to look strong. You realize like oh okay, I have to burn myself down because that's the way life is. So I think it's very important to realize that, you know, to really reach out. And I'm sure that's therapist job, obviously not a coach job is to really dig deep and say okay, why am I acting the way I'm acting? And then on that foundation build your future of thinking you know, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just unique like everybody else. And you know, I had clients who they say, I grew up in a healthy, healthy family and I have no traumas. I think we all have just some less or more. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as we know that we can heal and we can give that gift to actually honoring ourselves at the same time, honoring other people and understand that they also have their own traumas, they have their own insecurities and have that compassion. I think that's a good place to start.

Oh, I couldn't agree more. And one thing you said during that, during your last little segment was, I am not damaged. I am unique. That is so, so true. Everything about each and every one of us is unique. My trauma from childhood is different from yours, Lolita, and different from the next person that we meet on the street. But what the end results of those traumas that we experience can be very similar. That we all have something that holds us back. And having the ability to look that straight in the eye. Work on the self, love. Work on who you are. And loving yourself first will allow you to receive love in a way that is completely different than any anything you ever experienced. Thank you so much for sharing that. I want to move on, Lolita, because I think the audience wants to hear about the books that you have written. I want to hear about the most recent one you were telling me about. I would love to hear about your book and what you hope, what you hope your book can do to serve the community.

Oh, well, thank you for giving me this opportunity because I would like to share a little bit, something very exciting. So the last book that I just. And the newest book that just been published back in May and it is Amazon number one best selling book and it's called Stress Management for adult children of Alcoholics. Now for those who are listening in and now they're like, well, okay, this book's not for me because I don't have anybody addict. And this book touches on 25 laundry list. As I can say if you look for online, you know the damage list, you know how children from dysfunctional stamina families come damaged. I don't like we already discussed, they're not damaged. But I touch on 25 things like fear of abandonment and anxiety or having difficulties of forming healthy relationships. Relationships and all other things. I think this book is great for everyone who think that maybe they can help themselves a little bit and maybe.

I'm gonna interrupt you for just a second. I apologize for that, Lolita, because I want to interject something. You may not have had a parent that was an alcoholic, a mother or a father, or an addict to drugs, or there's people that are workaholics. There are people that are addicted to pornography. There's all kinds of things that work towards how we are impacted by our environment and the stress levels that come with that. You may have had. You know, both mom and dad grew up in the home. Mom and dad are still together. You never really experienced the loss of a marriage or your family breakdown or saw alcoholism. But if there was a parent, whether mom or dad, that were not emotionally available to you, you will be left with that feeling of abandonment and not even realizing it.

Thank you for explaining this. Yes, yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say. So let's just cut to the chase because we are right in the holiday season. I have a gift for your audience and I am giving this book for free and you just can download it. So I'll be sharing a link. Pamela will be sharing a link where you can click on it and get the book that's ebook or that comes in the PDF. You can just download it and read it at your leisure. Every chapter also has worksheets, so there will be specific action steps that you can take to help your, you know, to manage stress for that specific item on the chapter. So I'm very excited to give that. I do not do that. It's only for the holiday season and for those, your listeners who actually will be listening in. So I hope it's a treat and, and please pass this book to someone who you think needs it. And, you know, if it's a holiday season and you have no idea what to give someone but you read through the book, then you're welcome to go and purchase as a holiday gift for them. But I hope that will help you and inspire you to. To help yourself.

Oh, my gosh, Lolita. Thank you so much for that generosity. I will have a link to download Lolita's book in the show notes of this podcast. And Lolita, if someone would like to purchase the actual physical book, they can do that on Amazon. Is that correct?

Correct.

Okay. And the book is titled, I'll have you say the title one more time.

Stress Management for Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Excellent. Thank you, Lolita. That is so kind and generous of you. I know my audience will love it and appreciate it. I will love it. I can't wait to dive in. I'm really, really looking forward to that. Okay. So I have. I'm going to put you in the hot seat just a little bit. I would like for you to share three quick tips to help people navigate and get through the stressful holiday season where at the beginning of December is really ramping up for everyone. What are those tips, Lolita?

Well, first, I think compassion. Really having compassion towards yourself and towards others. Remember how I said like, you know, we all have childhood traumas and we all trying to the best and, you know, it can triggers us so much when we come together with families and brothers, sisters and aunts and all kinds of people come in that maybe you don't even want to hang out with. And you barely, you know, it's like, that's why we see you only once a year. And isn't that the truth? Yes. And especially those people who come in, they trigger you and ask you all the questions that you don't even want to go there. It looks like they're just waiting to ask that question. You're like, okay, and you already asked me this last year and same answer.

As a year ago.

Because they, you know, that button, you know, and they're gonna push it. But the compassion part is when you realize, you know, it's serving them somehow, right? Maybe that's the only one way how they can show their attention to you. Maybe that's the only one way how they're trying to connect. There are some individuals who they think they just, they sound like they always obnoxious, you know, they always try to invoke some emotions and other people and they all like, hostile Mark, you know, but it's like, why are they doing that? Because maybe they don't know how to really ask for attention, you know, like, they always been seen that way by the people. And maybe that's the time for you to really look at them and think, you know what? It's not even about me this moment. It's about them. And there's something inside of them that maybe they don't know how to handle it. And, you know, I already did that few years back. The same question arrived and I already tried all the answers. And guess what? None of them worked. Doesn't matter what you tell them because.

And I think, Lolita, what's really important to realize is that sometimes it's not us, it's them. They have the inadequacy, they have the issue. You are not the issue. It's their insecurities that they're bringing into the conversation. And if we can bring the compassion. Absolutely. And some empathy and understanding of why they are the way they are helps us navigate those moments. And just remind yourself, it's not always about you. There's nothing wrong with you. It can be them. It can be the family member. And here's something that I find to be so helpful is I cannot change someone else. I can't dictate what they say, what they do, how they act. But I am responsible for my response. My response is my responsibility. So if I'm irritated, if they're about to push me off the edge, I can make a decision and remove myself from that situation. Can't change them, but I can change me. And that's what's important.

And I can continue on that thought because I think the next step, what we can do towards that next step is if. If you already can, guess that there will be specific questions, like, somebody already asked you, like, so when are you going to pop that baby? And when you're gonna get graduating and you're finding a job anytime soon? You know, like, those questions you, like, you feel like you're gonna jump in the defensive immediately, you start asking, telling them, like, well, I'm still trying. And, yeah, you know, you know, you already know what questions I would ask. So why don't you prepare yourself ahead? Okay? List. Try to remember. And you're like, well, I don't even remember. You know, look at the pictures. A year ago, you don't have those pictures. Go on your family album, on Facebook last year, and you will see those pictures. Okay, somebody has them and they just kind of remember what were the themes through the holidays, you know, what you were talking about, who was asking you, and try to fill in, like, what were the triggers? And then you prepare yourself ahead for those triggers. So when somebody asks you, so are you finally finished this degree, or are you still going to be in school when you retire? Have an answer ready and say, I am contemplating where my talents will be utilized better. Okay, cool. You know, so you have an answer, or somebody asks you some. I mean, you know, I can talk forever. We don't have time. Just prepare for the answer and then rehearse yourself in front of a mirror. Because what happens is when somebody throws something at us, we immediately go into the. Into defense. And then we get triggered. And then the worst part is we get angry at ourselves that we did not handle situation the right way. You know, how many times I. I remember myself, I will come back home and I'll be like, I, gosh, you know, I. I should have told them this or that. But it's late now.

Didn't I say this? Yes.

So now you guess what? Prepare ahead. Okay. And repeat yourself. Okay. So when you, when the high stress and they triggered you, you are in control of the situation and you just, you know, you just tell like a poem, you answer and you are prepared also you will feel good about yourself because you, you're going to prepare. That means your anxiety level will be lower because it's not like, oh my gosh, I have to, I have to, you know, bite this bullet again. You already prepared. You will be less stressed also when you actually say that you stand your ground. You, you honored yourself and you feel more proud of yourself. And this is very good. You need to remember, remind yourself that you're very capable of, of protecting yourself. And so then when all of this is done, hey, guess what? If you didn't do the way you wanted, there is the next year probably. Well, you can, you know, you get better at that, right?

Oh my gosh, that's so good. That is such great advice, Lolita. That is perfect. Okay, I'm gonna hop to our some rapid fire questions for you. Okay. Just so we can get to know you a little bit more on this platform. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Oh, I have this dream. I would love to have a whole center that will be geared towards healing adult children of alcoholics where somebody just can come for like a retreat for a week and they will be fed, right? They will meditate, they will do yoga, they will do all of like art classes, they will have a hugging classes and all kinds of classes to really empower someone. Then when they leave that retreat, they have enough of building blocks to stand on when they come back to the, the life that they left. And they can inspire themselves and have the tools how they can help themselves. What they triggered again, how, you know, get inspired them to manage their life and when the new patterns, how they can help others in their life. So if I could have a center like this when everybody comes in and gain something from there that can move them forward, that, that will be, that will be my life purpose.

I love that Lolita. And I think there's definitely a place for that in the world. And what advice would you give the younger you?

You know, there are, there's so many people I hear when the, when they say, so what do you have? You know, if you could have change and you're like, well, I wouldn't have changed anything. No, you know what? I would have. Okay, if I will just can go back now, let's say 30 years back and I'll see my younger self, I would say just do it. Just do it. Don't, don't wait for them. Don't wait for the validation. Just do it.

Oh, I love it. That's great advice. And I think we all, if we're honest with ourselves, there are things that you would go back and change. Some of them might be big things, some of them might be small things, but there's always things that we would go back and have a redo, that's for sure. And my last rapid fire question for you is, what is your favorite thing to do in your downtime?

Well, I, you know, there are a lot of people spend money on, I don't know, ice cream and clothes or travel. I spend my time and my money, whatever I can on learning different things. I have so many programs. I'm always eager to learn. It has to do about how I can help myself and others. I am this, you know, self development program junkie. I like, you know, when people sit on Netflix and they watch a series, I sit on Gaia and watch something about meditation and the power of mind. That's, that's, that's my down, down, downtime.

Yeah, but, but your downtime is feeding into your passion. And, and I think that's a good thing because I, I love to learn as well and of a TV watcher. So if I'm sitting down doing something, I'm just enjoying something and learning something while I'm at it. So I can relate to you there. So I have one final thought for you and one final question, Lolita, and it's this. What advice would you give an entrepreneur who is standing in their own way of getting started, living out their life's purpose?

Stop waiting for validation. You have your permit to do this. Now. Let's, let's. Right now, let's. Right now, everybody who's listening, okay. Think that your future self giving you permission to do what you want to do. Right now. You're given permission. You don't need to wait on anyone. You're being given permission to do this.

Now do it, Lolita. That is an excellent answer and a perfect way to end. Friends, I just have to tell you, Lolita was so generous by giving everyone listening the opportunity to download her book. Now's the time to do it, because Christmas is a few weeks away. We've got a lot of stress happening. Life is stressful. Life is hard. She will give you fantastic tools to help you navigate through the stress, because reality is the more stressed you are, mentally stressed you are, it's going to expose itself to you physically. So take advantage of her gift. Spread it to your friends. If you're looking for a book to give a physical book to friends and family for the holidays, for Christmas, you can download it from Amazon. Please take advantage of that. And if you think any of your friends need to hear this podcast, please like and share. Run Amazon Podcast Spotify. You can also go to my website, Pamela jean a new life.com and there is a podcast tab there as well. But please like and share and spread. Spread the word and get this out to the world. Lolita, thank you again so much for being here. I can't thank you enough. This is such a timely conversation to have right as the holidays are here. So any last words? Lolita?

No. Thank you so much, Pamela, for having me. And happy holidays to all.

Oh, it's my pleasure, Lolita. Friends, I will catch up with you next week. Have a fantastic week and we'll talk soon. Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time. Thank you for joining us today on a New Life podcast. We will see you next time.

Sam.