Esther Perel says every criticism hides a wish. A partner complaining about the toilet seat might really want more consideration. Carl Jung's shadow theory explains it: we project unintegrated parts of ourselves onto others. When criticized, ask whether they want you to change or whether they're projecting their own disowned qualities.
Esther Perel said, behind every criticism is a veiled wish. I think it's pretty obvious for us that when somebody says, oh, you're not putting down the toilet seat, it's a wish for us to do that, or they wish that we do that. But in other cases, they might criticize us for things that are not as obvious. It could be that they think we're not ambitious enough, or it could be that they think we're too outspoken. And in both cases, the veiled wish here is maybe something inside of themselves. If you listen to Jung, for example, and his shadow theory, the idea is that something that somebody is not really realigned with in themselves is something that they would criticize you for. The next time somebody's criticizing you, think about whether it's something that they actually wish you to change or whether it's something that they wish they had within themselves.
