A short YouTube talk by Amber Hollingsworth arguing that forcing people to attend 12-step meetings (AA, NA, CA, etc.) is counterproductive. Hollingsworth explains that coerced attendees often disqualify themselves, have negative first impressions, or avoid meetings altogether; instead she recommends voluntary, gradual exposure (a "tour de recovery"), preparing people by explaining meeting rituals, and emphasizing the importance of pre-/post-meeting social contact (the ‘smoke breaks’) as the key site of fellowship and connection.
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This video is called don't force 12 step meetings. Let me say that again. Do not force someone to go to an AA meeting, NA meeting, an AJ meeting, a CA meeting, any of those Anonymous meetings. Don't force people to go. The reason is because if someone's really, really resistant to going when they walk into that meeting, they're going to go in already deciding the. They've already decided that it's not for them and it's totally stupid and ridiculous. So they're going to be looking for everything that makes it not right for them. So someone else shares they were living under a bridge. And then your loved ones thinking like, well, I'm not an alcoholic. I never lived under a bridge. Or someone's talking about pawning their mom's wedding ring and they're thinking, oh, my gosh, I've never stole something for my family member. I'm not a drug addict. So what they do is they go in and they disqualify themselves. They look for every reason why they're not like they. Those people, especially when they feel forced in there. And the problem is, is 12 step meetings are, like, very effective and super helpful. And if you push someone in and they have really bad experience in the beginning, chances that they're going to go back and find it helpful, not as good. So it's kind of like having like an antibiotic, like, save it. The timing is important. So most people in recovery do attend some sort of 12 step meeting. I'm a big fan. But how you get someone to get into that process, in my mind, is a little delicate. Now, sometimes if you're. If the person's in a treatment center, they're probably going to make you go to 12 step meetings. They're going to either have them in the facility or put you in the van and drive you there, and that's one thing. But if this is just your loved one and you're trying to get them to get sober, so you're trying to force them to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Mmm. Most of my families that are people that I see who's got families forcing them go to AA and stuff, you know what they're doing? They're going to the liquor store and they're buying some alcohol and they're sitting in a parking lot drinking for an hour because you think they're at the meeting and then they're going home. And then you say, how was the meeting? And you say, oh, it was good. Yeah, that's what's going on. So I like to expose people to 12 step meetings. The way I do that is I usually suggest people do what I call it the tour de recovery. I say, listen, there's a lot of things out there, there, and everybody's different and everybody likes different things. And I want you to go, I want you to try an AA meeting and I want you to try NA meeting in Greenville. We have something called Favor, which is Faces and Voices of Recovery. It's kind of like an awe recovery. It's wonderful. It's a great place for people to start. So I send people there, I might try, have them try. If they go to a certain church and they have like a celebrate recovery or some kind of church sponsored recovery program, I'll say try that out. I'll say try all the different things. And then you come back and you tell me what that's like. Like almost like a book report, only you don't write down. Just come tell me like, oh, that was cool. Or is this one cool, dude? Or I don't know. Because what happens is they go into that process feeling like they have the freedom and power to decide if they like it or not and if it's for them or not. So they're gonna go into it more open minded. And so when they come back and tell me about it, they're not gonna be as resistant to it as they would have been if I would have just said, listen, if you're going to see me, you got to go to a meeting every day and if you don't, I'm kicking you out or something like don't do that. Or at least that's not what I do. Because I want them to go in, I want them to like it, I want them to find it effective. So the other thing I do to help people integrate into 12 step meetings is I actually tell them what to expect. Now if you're watching this video for your loved one, you might not ever been to a meeting, so you might not know what to expect. But let me explain it to you. Let's just say they do things slightly, they have these rituals and routines. And if you haven't ever seen it or experienced it before, you're gonna be like, what the heck kind of cult is this? I mean seriously, stand up, sit down, read these readings and say this little prayer or do this little thing and everybody says it at the same time and you're like, what have I walked into? It's kind of like going to a church of a religion that you've never been to before and you feel so Awkward. And you don't know when they stand up, when they sing songs, when they don't, how they pray, like, what they do. You know, they did the crossing thing, like, what do they do? And you feel totally out of place and uncomfortable. So the first thing I do is I explain all that process to them about sort of like how all that works. 12 step meetings. They have these readings that they do at the very beginning. So they have these pieces of paper they passed out. Sometimes they're laminated, sometimes they're not. They'll ask people to read and basically they just go over, like, what is Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous? Like, what are the 12 steps? What are the traditions? All that kind of stuff. So prepare them for that. Prepare them for the fact at the end that they might say the Serenity prayer, that they give out these chips. I sort of just tell them, walk them through the whole process so they don't feel totally freaked out. So they know a little bit about what, what to do, when to stand up, when to say what, when to sit down. So they don't feel nearly as like totally dumb when they're doing it. If they've got a friend or a family member that they like that goes to meetings, by all means, go with someone, you know, because it is totally less intimidating. I mean, seriously, it's worse than being like the new kid at high school. It's totally weird. So the more comfortable you can make it for people, the better. The other thing that I tell people is, I say, now listen, the most important part of the meeting is what happens right before and especially right after the meeting. Because that's the part when people go outside and smoke cigarettes. And that's the most important part. I know that sounds silly, but definitely recovery is on the smoke breaks. Because that's actually when people stand around and they like, make small talk and they make friends and they connect each other and they say, hey, let's go have some coffee together. Hey, you know, like, we actually have, like, we go golfing every Saturday. You want to go golfing with us or go bowling or whatever it is. And that where the magic happens, that's the fellowship, it's the friendship that happens in a 12 step meeting. And that is the thing that usually catches people and gets people in and gets people sober. Now, the fellowship by itself won't keep you sober, but it is that part that's like, oh, hey, like, you know, I really like Johnny and he's going to the meeting, called me up and said, hey, you want to ride a meeting with me, and then I'm less intimidated about going. And so now it's kind of like if you got a friend at the new school and you're going or at work or something, you know, somebody like, oh, my gosh, it makes it so much easier. So recovery happens on smoke breaks. And you might be thinking, well, gosh, I don't want my loved one smoking. Or if you're watching this for your kid, you might think, I don't want my kids smoking. Well, number one, they probably already do. And if they don't, this isn't the most important thing for you to worry about. You want them to connect to recovery more important than smoking. So I usually say, I don't even know if you can get recovery if you don't smoke. Like, someone doesn't smoke. I tell them that, and they laugh and I laugh. I'm like, man, you have to start smoking. And then they laugh at me. Because recovery have its own smoke breaks. I'm telling you. Like, even in treatment, in our intensive outpatient program, they have a break and they all go out on the porch, and most of them smoke, some of them don't. But that's where they connect, and that's where the good stuff happens. So make sure and encourage them to get there a little bit early and kind of hang around a little bit after the meeting, because that's where the good stuff happens. So that's my advice about 12 step meetings.
