Amber Hollingsworth (counselor with 20+ years experience) explains three concrete indicators that someone is serious about overcoming addiction: (1) they do not minimize the problem, (2) they stop making excuses or blaming others, and (3) they show willingness to take uncomfortable, accountability-focused steps (e.g., using monitoring tools). She highlights Soberlink as an example—describing its facial-recognition-enabled breathalyzer and typical testing schedule—to illustrate what serious willingness looks like.
Questions this video answers
October 3, 2023.
More than 20 years.
Usually about three times a day (with an hour window for each test).
Facial recognition to prevent someone else from taking the test.
Chapters
Not only are these signs that someone is serious about the recovery, they're also huge signs that someone's going to be successful at overcoming their addiction. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and I've been counseling people with addictions and their families for more than 20 years now. So, as you can imagine, I've talked to a lot of people about their addictions, and I've narrowed it down to these three signs that are real, true indicators that someone is ready and they're going to do it. Now, the first two signs are things that are not happening, and the third sign is something that is happening. When you see all three of these in combination, these are definite indicators that they are on the right path. Now, the first thing that I listen for is I listen for whether or not someone is trying to minimize their problem with the substance. Now, sometimes people minimize it, like, in a giant way by saying, like, I don't have a problem at all. I don't even know what these other people in my family are talking about. When that happens, it's really obvious. But other times, people minimize it in these really subtle kinds of ways. Like, sometimes I'll have new clients that'll tell me things like, yeah, I know I'm an addict, or, I know I'm an alcoholic, but I never did this. But I'm able to stop when I need to, but it's not really impacting my life that bad. And what this means is, is that. Is that they sort of get it, but not completely. The reason why I pay attention to this is because those kinds of statements tell me that someone is probably still going to be doing some bargaining with it, some trial and error. But on the flip side, when I have someone come in and just tell me straight up, like, I have an addiction. It's been going on for a long time. It's ruining my life. I hate it. I don't like it. I want to stop. Like, they're not minimizing at all. They're just, like, laying it on the line. And when I ask them questions, you can tell that they're just, like, really being honest to you. They're just laying out, like this, what's happening. I've tried to stop. I don't know how. You know, there's a lot of humility, and they're vulnerable. But most importantly, there's that lack of minimizing the issue. When I hear people minimizing it, it tells me there's going to be a little bit more trial and Error involved. Now, the second big sign that someone is serious about their recovery is they're not spending a lot of time excuse making or blaming other people. A lot of times when I get new clients, I'll have to spend the first several sessions and sometimes even a few months listening to this person gripe about their family or their situation or what's unfair or excuse making or blaming. You know, they'll say things like, well, I only sneak drink because my wife is so critical and she's such a nag and she just overreacts when I hear that kind of excuse making going on. Even if they're telling me, hey, I'm serious and I'm trying to overcome this, when I hear those things again, it's another indicator that the person isn't fully there yet, that they're still probably bargaining with it, they're still minimizing it, they're blaming it somewhere else, they're just not accepting full responsibility. And you're just not going to beat an addiction until you own it. You have to own it first. Now this third sign is really, really important. Like this is the game changer sign. I'm going to call this willingness. When I talk to people who are really serious, like they're done bar they are really, really ready to make a change. You can tell instantly by their willingness to try pretty much any reasonable suggestion. And I definitely don't expect them to like listen to my suggestions or ask for my suggestions in those early days. So when it happens, I'm almost shocked. I'm like seriously surprised and can't believe it and almost like freeze up. Like I don't know what to do now. Like, what do I say? They're saying they're ready, they're saying they'll do it. And I have this little panic moment inside. Don't worry, it doesn't last for long because I actually do have a lot of ide about what someone could do to make themselves successful at sobriety. But when you're dealing with someone who's really serious and they're really ready, they're willing to do some uncomfortable things. And when people aren't serious, they'll say, yes, I need to make a change. Yes, this is causing problems. But their willingness to be uncomfortable to change things in their life is just really low. Now that doesn't mean those people will never change. It just means we're not there yet. Some examples of major serious willingness that I've seen, like sometimes even in the first session with people is when I say something like well, how about we put you on something like a Sober Link for accountability. Now, some of you may know what Sober Link is because they're like a sponsor of this channel. I talk about them because I'm a huge fan. I've been using Sober Link for a long, long time. Long before I started making YouTube videos. Anyway, Soberlink is basically like this high tech alcohol monitoring device. The reason soberlink is so effective is because it's not just any, like old breathalyzer you can get anywhere. It has some serious technology in it. For example, it has facial recognition in it. So you can't just chi and have take your test for you or something like that. I mean, this thing really works. In fact, soberlink for people who are trying to quit drinking is probably the most effective tool that I've seen people use. But I'll be completely honest with you, it takes some pretty serious willingness to agree to do soberlink, because when you are agreeing to do that, you're saying, yes, I'll take this breathalyzing device. Yes, I will agree to a schedule. And usually that schedule means being tested like three times a day. Now I'll work with them on when they want to be tested and stuff like that. So it's like doable and feasible and they have like an hour window to take it. So it's not impossible. But I mean, there's a little bit of hassle involved. You have to have the device, you have to remember to take it. You get these text messages and reminders and stuff. But it's effective. Not only does it help you stay sober, but it helps your family to heal faster. Now, a lot of clients that I see, they'll see me for quite a while and then they might become ready to use soberlink. But occasionally I'll have someone and in the first session, they seem really ready and they're like, what do I do? And they seem like they're like literally asking me. So I'm like, well, why don't you do some kind of accountability? And maybe I'll mention soberlink or something like that. And on occasion the person says, yes, let's get that hooked up. Are you sure you ready to do that today? And they're like, yeah, let's do it before I leave. Now that is impressive willingness, because when you take a step like that, you're literally taking the addictive behavior off the table. You're making it easier to stay sober and you're making it difficult to have a relapse. Now, that is what people do when they are serious. If you want to know more about Sober link, I'll put the link in the description and I'll also put it right up here for you. But I also know that alcohol isn't the problem that all of you are facing. There are other accountability solutions and steps that you can take. The point is, are you willing get uncomfortable? Are you willing to do the hard work? Are you willing to avoid certain people, places and things? Are you willing to have hard conversations with your family? When I observe these things from the people I'm working with, I know for sure that they are on the right path and they are genuine in their desire to change. Now if you're watching this because you have a loved one and you're not seeing all these things, don't worry. There are things you can do to help get someone to this point. In fact, I have entire playlist dedicated to it. Like how to get someone out of denial and how to motivate someone to change. I'll put them right up here.
