3 Unexpected Reasons People Refuse Help For ADDICTION

Sure, people resist going to all types of counseling, but they really, really, really resist going to any kind of addiction counseling, coaching, treatment, support. They really don't want to go. I have spent more than 20 years now trying to help people who didn't even want to be sitting in my office, didn't think that needed to be talking to me, and sure in the heck didn't think I had anything to offer their situation. And it used to be kind of intimidating at first, I'll be honest. But over time I've kind of learned to like it actually, because it's like a little bit of a challenge for me. After all those years of talking to people who didn't want to be talking to me. I've got self esteem, solid as a rock, at least when in that department. I've also learned how to help give people an experience that is very, very different from what they thought it would be and that ultimately ends up in most all of them feeling like, okay, I can do this, maybe this will be helpful. So today I want to cover some of those hard learned lessons when I be talking to you about why people really resist the going to counseling and or treatment, you know, any kind of addiction help and how to overcome some of those roadblocks. So if you have a loved one that you're trying to talk into getting some help, whether it's for addiction or anything else, these tips are going to be very, very helpful for you because it's all about how you set up the situation, how you frame it. And most of the time, unfortunately, families frame it up all wrong. And that's what I usually spend a lot of my first sessions doing, is sort of undoing some of the way it's already initially been set up before someone comes into my office. I have actually had plenty of people tricked into seeing me, which I'm not a fan of. Don't, don't do that. Don't trick people into seeing me. I've literally had people tell their loved ones, hey, let's go out for lunch and then pull up in my office, drop them off on my porch, right? And then be like, surprise, you're going to counseling. And then I'm left standing there holding the bag with what am I supposed to do with this person? You could imagine it's so uncomfortable for everyone. So that's definitely not the way to set the situation up. Let's talk about why people don't want to do it in the first place. Because you can't figure out how to get around that unless you Know what your roadblocks are? I mean, the most common one that you might be thinking of is they don't think they need it, especially when it comes to addiction. That's a very, very powerful reason to not want to go to counseling is because you don't think you need to go to counseling. Beyond that, you may think, well, how's that even going to help me? How is talking about my personal business in front of a complete stranger gonna help? That's not gonna help. It's not gonna help me to go in there and whine and cry to some other person. What are they gonna do? You may also be thinking, or people are also thinking. They're just that the person they're talking to, the treatment professional, the doctor, the counselor, whoever, is just gonna jump to conclusions about them and not take their opinions and their ideas into considerations. And the reason why that's so scary, specifically when it comes to addiction, is fear that you're going to be forced into taking some kind of step that you don't want to take. But the truth of it is, when you're dealing with. Hey, Bri. The truth of it is, is when you're dealing with a counselor or a doctor or a coach, you know what? It's actually our job to help you accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish. It's not our job to project our goals and motives onto you. Now, I will admit that, unfortunately, especially when you look at addiction treatment like. Like going into, like, a treatment center kind of situation, I think people do sort of push their goals and agendas onto people. And a lot of addiction treatment, especially if it's like a lev. Addiction, is like, mandated treatment. Most counties of any size have, like, a state drug and alcohol center where they do, like, maybe they do inpatient, but they also do, like, a lot of intensive outpatient. They do DUI classes, all that kind of stuff. And a lot of that is mandated. And there's this attitude that develops from the clinical professionals, and there's a reason for it. So I'm going to tell you, hang in there. There's this attitude of, hey, you're either going to do it or else, you know, you're going to get the consequences of your legal charge. Because usually it's like the way that someone either gets going to jail or the way that someone gets off probation or whatever it is, they got to work out their legal situation. And that's a. That's a complicated dynamic because you. You walk in feeling like you don't want to do it, dread you definitely feel like you're in trouble because essentially you kind of are there in that situation because you're in trouble. And if you get met with this attitude of well, here's what we assess and here's what we think you got to do and you got to do it and you don't have any choice about it, that's pretty intimidating. Who wants to do that? No one. Now part of the reason why you get that kind of attitude not all the time, but sometimes when you go to mandated treatment is it's a reaction to the attitude that the person comes in with. Because the person comes in with, you know, you can imagine, just sort of like, I roll, like I really don't want to do this. It's so stupid, people not telling you the truth all the time, people resisting talking to you. And so eventually you get like this defensiveness as like a counselor back and you're like, well you can do it or else, you know, you get sort of like all self righteous or whatever. And that creates a bad dynamic. And unfortunately a lot of people have that experience and that kind of experience really turns them off from getting help all together. But there is a way around that kind of situation. The goal I think is to make it not feel like punishment because it really shouldn't be punishment, it really should be help, support. And what I like to call it is more like a sounding board more than anything else so that you can sort of think through whatever situation you're in with an objective person. Right? Because the people that are in your life, your, your friends have a certain agenda and they only see certain pieces. So your friends, jobs make you feel better and tell you, yeah, I can't believe that girl did that to you or whatever. That's their job. Your family's job is to try to make you be a better, more responsible person and you know, be successful in life. And you know, everybody else in your life, they have this agenda for you. And so it's really difficult sometimes to talk to different people because they have different agendas. Now what we mostly do is we go to the people that are going to tell us the thing that we want them to tell us and we tell them a story in the way that we want to tell them the story to make sure we get the reaction we want to get. And then we're like, see, I knew it. Everyone agrees with me. And you get, you know, sort of a self validating situation going on, which can be a little dangerous, especially when it comes to addiction. Now some people that come into addiction help. They actually come in with the mindset of, all right, I'm going to go in and prove that I don't really have a problem, and I don't really need to be here, because once I tell this person what's really going on, they're going to tell me, oh, I'm not really an alcoholic, I'm not really an addict, and I don't really need this kind of treatment. I have had that kind of situation a lot. And. And sometimes people even get that result or reaction when they go because, again, they tell the story, they leave out details, basically. They don't usually outright lie. They usually mostly, like, leave out some super important details, which makes your assessment turn different. And then you get, like, different feedback, as you could imagine. So I think the biggest fear is you feel like you're going to be talking to this counselor, doctor, coach, whoever, that thinks that they know what you should do better than you know what you should do. And if you get. But if you get a good provider, a good treatment person, clinical person, whatever, even coach or sponsor or whatever, they're really good at their job. It's really our job to sort of pull out of you what you really want and to help you get to what you really want. And the truth of it is, is in every case, when someone has an addiction, the addiction is just blocking them from what they really want. And so sometimes it does involve helping people see how they're being blocked from what they really want, who they really are, you know, what they really think inside. And ultimately, you have to help people figure out that they're being controlled by the addiction. And when you give people a safe place to talk through their situation and think it through, they come to their own conclusions. No counselor, no doctor, no treatment provider can make you do anything, really. Like, even if you get committed to treatment, which, by the way, is pretty hard to do, especially when it comes to substance abuse. To get someone committed to addiction treatment, you have to show that they're an imminent danger to themselves or others. Not like, okay, they're doing drugs. That's dangerous. More like if we don't make this person go get help, they're going to be dead or somebody's going to be dead with, you know, within a week or two weeks or something. And that's kind of hard to prove. It's not easy. And this is a good thing. It's not easy to take away someone's rights. Okay? So there's a lot of obstacles that have to be overcome to force Someone into treatment. And not only that, even if you are forced into treatment, it's not easy to force someone in there very long. In South Carolina, I'm sure it's maybe a little different in different states, but in South Carolina, usually you're sort of held if. If you go in front of a doctor, judge, or whatever, and they think that you're a danger to yourself or others for substance abuse or mental health or whatever they can have you held for. They usually hold you for about five business days, and then you get evaluated again. Most of those people are released after five business days. Occasionally they're kept for, like, another five or seven days, Most people. And then the rest, like the majority of the people that were kept, are released at that point. So even when you can commit people to treatment, they don't usually have to stay that long. And even then, you can't make people do things. And so I really want to talk about that because I think that's the biggest fear that holds people back from talking about their situation, Other than the natural fear of feeling like you're going to be judged, feeling embarrassed, feeling humiliated. And very commonly, even when people get comfortable coming to counseling or psychiatrist or whatever, they don't usually tell you the whole truth. And that doesn't really bother me either. It doesn't bother me that they don't want to come. It doesn't bother me that they don't tell me the whole truth. I just need to know enough to understand what's going on with the addiction. But more than that, I just need to know a lot about the person and what are their values and what are their goals and what are their strengths, and how do we access that to help them get what they want to get out of life? That's really the information that you need more than every bad thing they ever did. You know, I usually think I don't need to know everyone's secrets, because I can pretty. If you tell me what you. I can almost tell you what. What you. What you've likely done, what the secrets probably are, right? I give you a list, and you realize, yeah, those seven of those ten, that was me or whatever. Because even though it feels really horrible and embarrassing, addiction is super predictable, which means that if other people have had the same addiction you had, they've probably done the same things you've done. Okay, so making people say it out loud and feel humiliated isn't always helpful or productive. So occasionally there's a reason to have people talk about those things out loud. But. But just to have them say it, just to say it and feel embarrassed and humiliated, it's not, it's not usually necessary to be honest. So how can you, as maybe someone who cares about you, have a loved one or a friend or a co worker, something that you care about? How can you encourage them to seek help? I think the best thing to do is to make it less scary. Because that's what I do when people come to my office, I make it less scary. Like, I'm not uptight. I'm not sitting there with my clipboard writing down everything they're saying. I'm super casual and I actually listen to what they have to say and I actually agree with them most all the time. And occasionally I just have some little something I can add in to what they're saying. But people usually know what they need because they know themselves, they know what they've tried, they know what works for them, they know what doesn't work for them. And if you just listen, you can get that out of them. And so it's all about making it less scary. One of the things that family members and friends and co workers and stuff do that really creates more of a roadblock than a bridge is you make it seem super scary. And the way you do that is because you make it seem super dire. And you're making it seem that way because you feel like if I don't stress the importance, the life or death nature of this, the seriousness of this, they're not gonna go. But that actually makes it feel a lot more intimidating. If you can set up the situation by saying, by, by saying something like, yeah, you already figured out half of it. We're halfway down the road and you just need maybe like a sounding word to figure out a couple little things. And you got it. But people don't set it up that way. They're like, you need help, you're destroying your life, you're killing your wife and kids. And it's almost like you're trying to talk someone into jumping into like this giant swamp and telling them there's like 55 alligators in there that are going to eat them up when they swim across. That's not going to make someone want to jump. You want to set it up more like, yeah, you gotta jump into this water and okay, there's two alligators in there, but I'm gonna tell you exactly where they're at and we're. And I'm gonna tell you how to get right around them and you're gonna be fine. And if you can sort of have that attitude and set it up that way. See how much less scary that seems. It's still a little scary, but it's way less intimidating and way less scary. It's just that it's this natural human reaction is when someone is making bad choices and they're in denial, maybe, that we just. We want to get them to see the seriousness of it. And the more we try to push someone to do that, the scarier it seems, the more they're going to hang on to their coping mechanisms. So what I would say to you is make it less threatening, make it less scary, make it the situation normalized again. It's that. It's that dynamic between trying to help someone see the seriousness of it, but also, like, helping someone see that in a way that their ego can tolerate. Telling someone they're a horrible person, they're doing horrible things, they're destroying everything. It. It just makes people want to run and hide behind their coping skills more. And it sure doesn't want to make people want to talk about that. I mean, if you just think about it, it's sort of common sense, right? And if you help people see that they actually do have a lot of it figured out and they actually do have a lot of insight, then they feel less scared about feeling like they're going to be forced or judged or like the other person is going to think that they know more about them than they know about them because it's. It's not the case. The key is setting up the situation less threatening. Now, I also want to address one more thing here that's super important. I think if you have a loved one that needs help, the timing is super important. Because if you push someone to get help before they think they have a problem, you're wasting your time. In fact, you could be making things way more worse. Because if someone doesn't think they have a problem, number one, they're gonna. They're not gonna tell the story exactly straight. And they could be told by the counselor assessment person that, yeah, you know what? I don't really think you do have that problem. Yeah, I think you're just, you know, you're just going through a phase. You're just a college student, or you're just this, you're fine. And now they've got, like, the stamp on them, and they're like, see, told you. And that can make it worse that way. The other thing that can happen is, is they go in. And most of what people who have addictions talk about is the frustrating things that are going on in their life, which is fine. But again, and this is not just for people who have addiction. This is for all of us. We have our own narrative, and we tell it in a certain way. Not always because we're trying to be deceptive, but because it's our side of the story. It's how we see it. And a lot of times, counselors, psychiatrists, treatment professionals, we can fall in to someone's maybe not very objective narrative. And it's particularly dangerous because the way treatment is set up, and it's important it's set up this way, is to protect the confidentiality of the person and to protect the relationship between the provider and the person. So there's this big disconnect between anyone else in your life and the provider and the person, which means most of the time they're not getting the whole story. And there's a lot of protections that actually keep them from being able to get the whole story. So sometimes it's like you end up validating a bad narrative, right? You end up feeding into someone's bs, basically, and then that makes the situation worse. So you have to be careful. If you're trying to encourage a loved one to go to treatment, you got to get them in the right place first or you don't have to. But if you wanted to be effective, that's what I want you to do. I want you to get them in the right place first. And then you know what? That's what this whole channel is about. Hopefully those of you that have been watching for a while, you already know this. That's what we talk about. That's what we teach in our invisible intervention. That's what we teach in our videos on how to get someone out of denial. If you can use your influence on the back end to help someone come around to seeing, they don't have to see the issue completely clearly. They don't have to say, I'm the worst drug addict ever. I'm the worst alcoholic ever. But they have to maybe. They have to definitely be to the point where it's like, okay, this probably isn't working for me very well anymore. They don't have to want to stop, but they have to at least be able to see that they probably need to stop. If you send someone to treatment or counseling or coaching or anything else before that point, best case scenario is you're going to pay a lot of money and then eventually they're going to be right back in the same situation. Worst case scenario, you're going to pay a lot of money and it's going to make them worse. Not for the reasons you think. Most people think the scary thing about someone, someone to treatment is like, oh, they're going to be around people that are worse drug addicts than them and they might learn bad things. Yes, that can happen, but that's not really the danger. It's more that it's either going to not work or that it's going to make it worse because they're not telling the full story. They're not getting accurate feedback and advice and that sort of thing. Or that the treatment professionals are like really nasty and mean to them and they have a terrible experience, which will definitely ensure that they never want to talk to anyone about their problems again. And that's a bad situation too. A lot of people have had bad experiences when they come in to see me. So one of the first things I ask people is, have you ever done anything like this before? And if they have, I say, well, tell me about it. What have you done that's been helpful? And what have you done that's not been helpful? So I can find out what not to do right out the gate. You know, if they tell me, well, the last time I went and saw a person they did X, Y and Z and it was horrible and it made me worse or whatever, then I know to avoid that. So it kind. And it also lets me know what their perspective is coming in about maybe where they're nervous or where they're worried or where they maybe have like their walls up and how to. How to bypass that. So the big message here is make sure the person is in the right state of mind when they go, which means they realize that whatever they're doing maybe isn't the most effective thing. Right. At least bare minimum that. Okay. And make it seem less intimidating because you're really wasting your money. Addiction treatment can be super expensive. And let me tell you another secret. It's probably going to take more than once. So you really want to think about this carefully, okay? If you, especially if you're going to send someone into what I call like big boy treatment, like 30, 60, 90 days, six months or something worth of treatment, because that's going to be a lot of money and a lot of time. And if you send them in there before the situation's right, it's. It really is a waste of time. That doesn't mean they have to want recovery. That doesn't mean they have to fully understand the problem. But if, if you look at their life. And you can't see that they have a lot of consequences, a lot of negative consequences happening outside of you being upset with them. That doesn't count. Anything you've done or said or punishments you've given out, those don't count because they only see that as a you problem, not an addiction problem. Other things. If there's not clear evidence that they have an addiction, even if you know that they do, if the, if the world hasn't shown them that yet, if they haven't learned that you're wasting your time, don't do it. No matter how much you think they need it. Take the time to set up the situation right. If you don't know how to do that. There's lots of videos on. There's a whole playlist about how to get people out of denial. There's, there's tons of videos about what to say and what not to say. You can use all those skills. If you want the step by step directions, look at our invisible intervention course. It'll lay it out for you. Fortunately for me, these days it's not nearly as hard for me because most of the people that come in to see me now are. You guys have already like, and y', all, it's, it's because of y', all, not me. Y' all done all the work to get them in the right frame of mind and you send them to me exactly the right time, ready. And it sure does make my life so much easier. And it, and it also helps me to help people so much faster. So it, like, you know, you can get the work done in way fewer sessions when the person is in a readiness for change state versus when you send them in before they're ready, which is what I've spent most of my career doing. I can work with people before they think they have a problem. I've learned how to build relationship with people that's not really hard. But it's going to take months and months and months and months for me to get them through those stages of change before you actually start seeing some change. And a lot of times, to be honest, the family members want to pay him for the situation. And so they're getting frustrated because they're like the paying all this money and it's not working. And it's because you've got somebody like, especially when I work with teenagers who's like completely in denial, like, like 0% of them thinks that they have a problem. It takes many, many months to work someone through those stages of change. Especially when you're only seeing them like an hour once a week or something. So if you want to get that done more effectively, you can do that. As the loved ones, the friends, the family members, you have so much more influence on that. So set the situation up right. Do not force people before they're ready and make it seem less scary. Those are my tips. Bri, do we have some good questions and comments back there? Oh, hey, Anthony. Oh, thank you for the super chat. Thank you for the ten dollar super chat. I appreciate it. All that money helps to go to produce these videos, which is a little bit costly. So I appreciate it. Thank you so much. So generous. Michelle says at a crossroads today, meeting with my son's therapist at 3 to discuss his options, treatment or living with dad. He drank so much last night and has been vomiting all day, he feels like trash and said, I don't. Is it like, I don't want no more alcohol? Is that what you're saying? It's probably like spelled grammar thing messing you up there. How do I get him to choose treatment at 3pm you're asking me a big question here, Michelle. Are you going to be in there together? Would be one of the things that I would want to know because I think that makes it really difficult. I, I resist seeing people and their loved one at the same time whenever possible, honestly, because it makes the person feel ten times more defensive when they're in there with the treatment person and the family member. Right? Because now you feel like you're not just in the principal's office. You've gone before, like the school board committee or something. Right. You feel like you got a whole committee of people and you're in trouble and that is super intimidating. So. But sometimes it is necessary. I get that. So. But I don't like, I don't like that for that to happen. So realize that if you're going in there together, it's going to be. The person's gonna have even more walls up. And if you're going in there today and they feel terrible, which is what you said, Michelle, you've also got that you're also trying to talk to and reason with the person who's literally sick. Think how reasonable you are when you're sick. Think how well you critically think and make life decisions when you're sick. So you have a couple cards stacked against you. All right, listen, Michelle's adding something else I should add that he knows there's a problem, but I think he's afraid to go to treatment again. This is different this is his choice, but I've set a boundary that he can't live with me anymore. Like, and he knows that I'm doing in the background to be ready for the program he chooses. He's ready. Okay, I got you, Michelle. So you got. So some things that are going in your direction then, Michelle, and these are the good. The good strikes for you is that he knows he has a problem and you've got a little leverage on him here, right? And that's not always the worst thing. I would find out, Michelle, what it is about treatment experience that he's resistant to, that he's intimidated by, that he's reluctant about, and address those things. Like, for example, if he's like, I went to treatment before and it was all religious, and I just don't buy into that crap, then look at treatment that doesn't come from that point of view, right? Like, find what the aspect is and see if there's a type of treatment or a way around that or a way that you can make that better. Going in, I can remember a guy I was working with who needed. He needed to go to alcohol detox, and he had had some really bad experiences before. And I said, listen, if you want to go, you can sign a release for me. I will actually call them up and I will say, hey, I'm working with this guy. And this and this and this is, you know, he's worried about this. Can we avoid these certain situations because he really freaks out about it. And then, you know, like, maybe they're, like, super scared to talk in group or something. And you can, like, call ahead and say, hey, does this person have to talk in group? Is there a way they can just go and watch and, like, see if you can resolve some of those intimidating roadblock factors? I don't know what your sons are, Michelle, but you probably know what they are because probably told you. And if you don't know, then you can ask that in. In session. Most of the time we. It's like, we're so scared to get people to talk about that because we don't want to hear that because we think, well, that's not a big enough reason and you should go. But allowing people to talk through those things and brainstorm with them around, okay, you're right, that was a bad experience. That definitely wasn't the right thing for you. So let's go this route this time. It helps it feel less intimidating. So I hope that helps. Ivan and Lydia's question. Is it appropriate to encourage your loved one to Test out different providers and counselors to ensure they find someone who's good, or is that too much of a roller coaster? This is a really good question. Let me get a drink. I'm going to answer you here. I don't think that's a bad idea, actually. Now, a lot of counselors don't want to work with someone who's working with another counselor on the same issue at the same time, because you could begin in conflicting advice and it's not always the best for the person. So long term, you don't want to have someone seeing two addiction counselors at the same time. It's okay if someone's seeing an addiction counselor and a trauma counselor or something like that, because it's two different issues they're working on. But testing them out I think is okay. But here's what I say. I usually say, ask your loved one to go see a counselor three times, just three times. Because agreeing to go three times is not that scary. Especially if it's just like three little one hour sessions, you know, and say, hey, why don't you go three times? If, if you, after three times you don't feel like this person's for you, you don't connect to them or you don't think it's going to help, then we'll back up and we'll, we'll try another one. So instead of maybe going to three different counselors and seeing them for one session, I would say choose one and let's go for three sessions. And if you like them, we'll just stay right there. If you don't like them, we'll back up and then you can try this other person. The reason I say three is because some people are so nervous, especially if they have like social anxiety or something about the first session that no matter what the counselor, what they talk about or anything, they're gonna walk away just not feeling super great about it because they were so anxious the whole time. And so I think three sessions is enough time to get to know if this is the right fit, get over the nerves a little bit. And it's not a super scary thing to commit to. You know, it's like, okay, I can do three sessions. It just feels less scary. So that's the way I suggest go about it. Kista says son has gone to impatient multiple times and now believes they don't work for him. He has stopped trying any type of recovery process and can't get himself to change. Change, talk, no action. So what? So I guess the question is, is what do you do in that situation? I'm assuming that's the question here. Find out what it is about the treatments that he feels like didn't work for him. If he's been to multiple treatments, my guess is, between you and I, my guess is, is he's just not doing what the people are telling him to do because. And that's why it's not working. You know, it's like they tell you, you need to not hang out with that person. You need to go to meetings, or you need to see a psychiatrist, or you need to deal with your trauma too, or you need to stay away from that friend for a while. And they're just not taking the advice. So it's. Instead of saying, well, treatment doesn't work for me, what's really going on is maybe they're reluctant to doing a certain thing that treatment keeps recommending that they do. See if you can find out what it is. What are the particular roadblocks? Another thing you can do is say, well, which of the treatments you've went to, which one was the most helpful? And then get them to talk about that and then say, well, why was it the most helpful? What worked and what didn't work about it? And then you have some knowledge about what they're maybe more open to and what they're less open to. And you can search for resources that fall more in line to what they are more open to. And like I said, if there's ways you can make it feel less scary, like find a provider that's really good with working with people in denial or working with people who are reluctant and then ask them to go three times. Right. It can be a little tricky if you're asking someone to go to, like, inpatient treatment and you say, I don't want you to say in that situation, we'll go for a week and if you hate it, you can come home. I don't want you to say that's a bad. That's. It's a different situation because when they're going to go to inpatient treatment, they're usually going to really not like it for the first couple of weeks because they're like detoxing because not great. And then they usually get more comfortable and better. Don't tell someone if you go to inpatient treatment this many days, you and you don't like it and come out. That's different than if you go see this counselor three times. If they go see the counselor three times and they still don't like it. It's probably not going to be that helpful. So it means you probably need to back up and get someone into a more readiness for change. Colossa always says he hates AA and feels like it's pushing him into that model. Okay, see, there you go. I knew you knew the robot. So find a non 12 step model. They there are plenty of non 12 step models out there. Like, there are. There are treatments specifically for professionals. There are treatments specifically for young people. There are treatments specifically for mothers. Like, find something that fits. There are treatments specifically for outdoorsy people. Right. Find something that fits. There are non 12 step facilities. Goji Gamer says, I've been in detox and rehab several times, but it has kept me sober for months and years afterwards. Last time I relapsed, I wanted to go to rehab. They told me it was a waste of time and money. Are they right? Family tells me it's a waste of time or money. No rehab, obviously. Unfortunately, sometimes families feel like that. Like, oh, we sent you to rehab and then you relapse. So obviously it didn't work. But if someone is staying sober for months or years at a time afterward, it certainly did work. And so I disagree with that. As far as the family's perspective now, they may feel like if they've paid for you to go, like out of pocket, and they've paid a lot of money for you to go, they may just be feeling like, hey, we're not willing to put any more money into it and that's a personal decision on the family. I don't know if that's your situation. I'm just guessing. I'm just sort of making up different scenarios here. But if that is the case and they're just like, hey, you can go to treatment, but I'm not willing to pay anymore. I mean, sometimes people, and people like mortgage your houses, they go broke trying to pay for treatment. So at some point you do have to say, listen, I'm not saying don't go, but I can't pay for it. But if they're just advising you, they're not the ones paying, they're not the ones, whatever, and you know that it was helpful for you, then just do it. Because if you're staying sober for long periods of time after, then I think it is helpful for you. On the other hand, I also think if you've been multiple times, you actually probably already know what to do. So you need to find out why it is that you want to go back. Is it like, I just need to get out of this environment I'm in for a few weeks so I can get stabilized, I can get detox. I get my feet under me and go forward. Then just do that part right, because probably you have heard it all. Probably you could go in there and run those groups. So is it. Is it necessary all the time for someone who's been a hundred times, A lot of times it's not. But if you feel like it is for you, there's probably a reason why you feel like that. I'm guessing. So if it's. If it's worked for you in the past, it can work for you again. Lila says, hey, Amber. I had done all to stay out of the bad guy roll. He then came in and stole my car. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday. I want to reach out. Nothing from him. He got charged and now I'm the bad guy. Should I wait to see if he reaches out? Any advice on how to move forward? Yes, I think you should probably wait. I mean, he knows you're ticked and you should be ticked. He knows he's in trouble. And if you come at him as much as I say stand out of the bag, I roll. If you come at him acting like it wasn't a big deal, that he stole your car, I think that's too far into the good guy roll. So I would let him make the first step. Now, if he makes that first step, you don't have to scream, yell, and act like, you know, a drill sergeant, crazy, he's in trouble. But you also don't have to act happy about situation because he knows he did wrong. Like, people can sort of rationalize, like, it's not me, it's them. When you steal someone's car, you. It's very, very clear. Like he. He knows he was in the wrong and that's why he's not reaching out. Megan says, my husband has started sharing with me that he is having thoughts of using cocaine again. I appreciate his vulnerability and want to receive the information and a support, supportive way. How do I respond? This is a really good question. I'm glad you asked this. Michelle or Megan, Sorry. The fact that he's telling you that means he. It's like there's this part of him that wants to, but there's this other part of him that doesn't want to. If he really wanted to do it and was planning to do it, he wouldn't tell you because he knows that you're going to resist the idea and you're probably going to try to talk him out of It. So it. It's like, that's the way I feel when people tell me, like, they're having cravings, I'm like, cool, let's talk about why you're having those cravings. It doesn't freak me out because I know they're not. They're wanting me to help them not do it. That's why they're telling it to me. So that hopefully will ease your anxiety. And then I would say, well, you can kind of ask them about the triggers. Is there something that's triggering that? If you want to. But a really good question to ask them is, what's keeping you from doing that? Because when. This is why this question is so good. Because when you ask that question, they start talking about all the reasons why. Why they don't want to do it. And they're. While they're doing that, they're literally talking themselves out of doing that. And they're really reaffirming their decision to stay sober. So you don't have to freak out. You don't have to take all their money away. You don't have to put them on lockdown. You. You know, just be cool and say, hey, well, what's keeping you from doing that? And then when they tell you, be like, wow, that's really impressive. You know, validate that, positively reinforce that. And then in so many ways, you're helping their serotonin, which helps them fight addiction. You're helping them convince themselves it's a bad idea. It's just there. It's very, very helpful for you to do it that way. Serenity with Lana says to kind of piggyback off trying out the counselor question. Could you give direct examples of how people can make sure the counselor is the right fit for them? What should the criteria be? Or do they let the counselor lead the session? Another. Y' all got good questions today. I like these questions. So will you put that first piece back up there, Bri, just so I make sure I'm answering this right? Okay. It's really, really hard if you don't know anything about the person. If all you have to go by is a website is super hard. Because counselor websites always look the same. Like they have big oak tree on them or some butterflies or some rainbows or something, right? And they say the same thing. And they have a bunch of clinical terms that sounds all nicey nice, but they all kind of, like, look the same and sound the same. And it's. It's like, well, it's really hard to get a feel for so if the best way to do it is I think through like word of mouth, right? Like ask some people if, if you're in a situation where maybe you know someone and ask some people if they know anyone. If, if you know a counselor, you see a counselor, ask the counselor, you see who's good, right? And if you know something specific about the person's personality, do they work better with men or women? Do they work better with someone who's more direct or someone who's more quiet? Then you can also sort of look for that. You're going to be able to tell a lot more by word of mouth, recommendation and, or personality. Is the personality a good fit is probably more important than whatever training that person has. Because if the personality is right fit, it doesn't matter the person's clinical training or philosophy, it's not gonna, it's not gonna work. So the personality thing is what you want to look for, for. And then the third thing to look for is maybe like philosophy about addiction in addiction treatment. It's like there's a million philosophies. It's like religions and whatever people's philosophy are, they're like hardcore about it. So ask them what their philosophy are. You can call up and, and, and ask a couple of questions if you want to before the, they go to the appointment and say, you know, do you work well with people in denial? Or how do you deal with people who don't like 12 step? Or how do you deal with people who aren' cool with the religious aspect? You can kind of find out what their stance on things are by asking questions like that. Kathy says, I have a meth addicted son who assaulted me and we are going to court soon. First offense. Can I request a court appointed recovery program? I enabled talking to, talking at a doctor's appointment mistake, letting him move back in. Okay, I'm not a lawyer, so I can't, I don't really know exactly, but usually you can. If you're, if your son has a lawyer, you could probably ask that lawyer. I don't know if you would even get a chance to talk. But you could say if the person has a lawyer, advocate or something, hey, I really think treatment will be better than jail or something like that. Then yeah, you can do that. But honestly, on the first offense, as bad as it sounds, they're probably going to give them some kind of like, like what they call it here in South Carolina is pre trial intervention. It's kind of like, all right, this is your first offense. If you go and get an addiction assessment and you do what they say and you do so many hours of community service, then we'll will wipe your charge away. If you don't, then you get the full force of the charge. That's the way it works here in South Carolina in, in most cases. So my guess, if it's first offense, they have something like that where you are. Calista says Loved One has recently chose to engage in a MIT program and for those of you who don't know, that stands for Medication Assisted Treatment program after having two overdoses in a week. He has a 12 year history with severe opiate use disorder. Overdoses are new and I believe have been the determining factor in him choosing to engage. What else can I say or do to continue engaging in further supports for his recovery? This was a big step for him and I'm trying to help him keep the momentum going. It was a big step and I think you even saying that to him, hey, this was a big step. I'm super proud of you. And then just like be his sounding board to talk about what he likes about it, what he doesn't like about it. Right. If you know, just let him explore those things and then you can ask him questions. Well what, what is it that's helping you about it? That's another really good question because it's getting someone to talk themselves into the fact that it's helpful for them. It when you're asking questions that evoke answers that go in a direction you want them to think, that's the way to do it versus trying to tell them a piece of information which then immediately makes the person think about the opposite of what you're saying. So just ask inquisitive questions. What's it like? Do you have a counselor? Do you have a doctor? Like is it helpful? Is it just like a check in? Just explore it with them. That. All right. Brie says that we are out of time for today. Thank you for all your really, really good questions. They were all on point today. I have enjoyed it as always. There are more resources in the description if you want to look into recovery coaching with me. There's resource down there. If you need to get your family member in a place where they're ready to go, then look at the invisible intervention or our family support coaching group. Lots of resources. I'll see you guys next week at 1 Eastern. We're always live. Bye everybody.