4 Huge Signs Someone Is Trying To Overcome Their Addiction (For Real!)

The first and probably most important sign that someone will eventually get sober and figure this thing out, conquer their addiction, is whether or not the person has the capacity for humility. Now, I know when you're battling an addiction or you have a loved one who's battling an addiction, there's a ton of ups and downs in there. There's good days, there's bad days. You think they got it, they think they got it, and then they don't. And they just fall off the wagon and maybe they try a lot of things that don't work. But if the person has humility and sometimes, maybe sometimes during the addiction, they don't always show it, but you know, you've seen that this person can be humble. If they have that capacity, then they definitely have what it takes to get recovery, like long-term recovery, like for real recovery. That's probably the most important trait that you have to have to really get this thing. I like to say you don't have to have Anything but humility to get recovery. You don't have to have money. You don't have to go to treatment. You don't have to even have supports. All those things are nice. Not saying they don't help. I'm just saying it's not necessary. But what is necessary is humility. And the reason why it's so dang necessary is because without that, you can't see where the problem is. You can't acknowledge maybe some of these things you're trying are not working. You can't acknowledge the damage that's causing other people. It's like if you don't have humility, you have blinders on. And when you can't see the truth and you can't see the problem accurately, it's going to be really hard to fix the problem when you can't see the problem. So sometimes when I talk to family members, like on consults and coaching calls and stuff, I'll say, well, can the person be humble? And they'll say, well, they don't act like it lately. And I'll say, well, just think about deep down what you know of this person. Like, can they admit if they've made a mistake? Can they acknowledge when they mess something up? Can they say sorry? If the person can do those things, now we have the good building blocks. And when we add that to these other 3 signs that I'm going to tell you about, now we have got some puzzle pieces moving in the right direction. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. You are watching Put the Shovel Down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of recovery so that you can get on the Recovery Fast Lane and get 5 steps ahead of it. And you don't have to stumble and make mistakes and stay in this nightmare any longer than absolutely necessary. I'm literally here to give you the cheat sheet answers to how to overcome an addiction or help your loved one overcome an addiction. And yes, those things are very, very possible. All right, moving on to our next big, giant, huge signs that somebody is going to eventually overcome their addiction. The second one is that the person is trying, maybe not successful yet. Okay. I didn't say it's working yet. I'm just saying, but they're trying different ways of getting the problem under control. I like to call this bargaining. So it's kind of like they're trying to cut back or they're trying to only do the thing on certain occasions, or they're trying to only use this substance, but not that substance, or they're trying to only spend so much money on it, or all these different things that people go through to try to get the problem under control. When you're watching that from the family member perspective, it's so freaking maddening because you're just like, would you just give it up already? Like, this ain't going to work. Like, you tried that last week and it didn't work. And you get so mad, you get so aggravated. But the fact that the person is trying these different things means that they're trying to figure it out. And as much as you might not like it as the family member, as frustrating as it is, it's a necessary process. You've got to go through the trial and error To see what works. No one beats addiction on the first try, otherwise probably not addiction. Okay? There's a lot of back and forth trial and error. Maybe if I do it this way, maybe if I don't hang out with that person, maybe if I move, that'll fix it. It's this trial and error process that I call bargaining, which is an essential stage of recovery. If you are watching this video and you're in recovery, I would love it if you would tell me all the different ways that you tried. Maybe they didn't work, But all the different ways that you tried to get sober before you actually got sober. And the reason I really need you to put this here, it's not just for me, it's because I want the families to see that, yeah, people do a lot of trial and error. They try this, they try that, doesn't work. And that doesn't mean that they don't mean it. That does not mean that they're insincere and that they're not trying hard enough. It takes a while to really figure it out. Okay, so there's the whole figure out, do I have an addiction? Do I have a problem? Is this a problem at all? Humility. And then there's the figure out what it takes to fix the problem. And so it's really 2 huge categories of things that have to happen. Now, the 3rd huge sign that I want you to look for to know, to kind of get a hint of whether or not someone is really trying to overcome their addiction and whether or not they will actually ever really be Successful as in get in recovery, like for real long-term recovery, is whether or not the person has had periods of not using at all. Sorry, there goes the dog every time I'm live. Okay. Most of the time as part of that bargaining process we just talked about, people will go for, sometimes they'll do like a 30-day period or a 2-week period, or maybe sometimes people go for like a year or even more. These longer periods where they don't use anything at all. Now, sometimes when people do that, it is kind of tricky because sometimes when people do that, it's like, it's this weird way of trying to prove to yourself that you don't have an addiction. Like, see, watch, I went 30 days without drinking. I can't be alcoholic because alcoholics can't go 30 days without drinking. That's not true. That's not true, people. And so it's almost this weird way that they're proving to themselves that they don't have the problem or that they can manage the problem. And What ends up happening is they have this long period of complete sobriety and then they try to bring it back into their life, but not let it get to the point it was before. Like, okay, I'm going to drink, but I'm not going to drink hard liquor like I did before. I'm going to drink, but not that much. Or I'm going to do this drug, but only in these circumstances or whatever. So they go for this long period of complete abstinence. Then they try to ease the thing back into their life. Does it work? No, never works. Just telling you the truth because this Because this is Recovery Fast Lane. I'm just telling you, I'm telling you the answer right now. It ain't going to work, but it is part of the process. And the fact that they had that period of sobriety, I usually say as long as it's like more than 2 weeks, it's a really good thing because even if the person was only maintaining that abstinence to prove to themselves they didn't have a problem or prove to you that they didn't have a problem, guess what happens during that time? They actually feel better and their life gets better. And once they bring that addictive behavior thing back in and life crumbles back apart pretty dang quickly, usually it becomes very obvious, much more obvious before what the key ingredient there was. It's like, well, during that 6-month period, during that 30-day period, I actually felt better. I had energy. I actually liked my wife and my husband more or whatever, things were just better. And so even if during that time when they did it, they weren't planning to stay sober forever, once they get that good contrast between, okay, here's what life is like when I'm doing this and here's what life's like when I'm not doing this, it becomes much— the answer becomes much clearer. So I think that those are good signs when someone's bargaining with it, even if their bargains aren't working yet. And when someone has had those periods of sobriety, Anything longer than a couple of weeks, I would say count. If it's like 2 or 3 days sober, it's not that those days sober don't count because it's hard to get 1 day sober. It's not that the effort doesn't count, but it's just that it doesn't create the same effect because those first couple weeks just feel like crap. And so if you go back to using before those first couple of weeks are over, you don't get that clear view of how life is. With and without it. So that's why I say more than 2 weeks. It's not that the less than 2 weeks doesn't count because those first 2 weeks is the hardest. Hey, you get 1 day, I'm counting it. That's huge. But you won't feel better. You won't get the reward, the benefit until you get past that 2 weeks. And then even after you're past that 2 weeks, you get a little better and a little better and a little better. I was talking to someone in my office just yesterday. And he was right at 2-week mark. He's like, man, I feel great. I was like, dude, you're going to feel 10 times better next week. He's like, really? And he got kind of excited about it. I was like, yeah, wait till next week. Because he was right at that mark where things start to stabilize out. Like the emotions start to stabilize out a little bit and you start to get that ability back to look forward to things, get excited about things, have goals and motivation and stuff again. I'm like, that's going to start coming back next week. And so I was super happy for him and he got kind of excited thinking, I'm going to feel better than I feel right now. Because he already felt so much better than he felt before. And it really does surprise people how much better they feel because they just don't believe it. And you can't really convince them of it and you can't really even explain it. People have to experience it because you don't know how bad you feel right now until you get out of it. You have to get out long enough on the other side of it to look back and be like, dude, that was miserable. Why did I do that like that? What was I thinking? But you got to get far enough away from it to really see it. So it's hard to convince people that they really will feel so much better once they get past that first few weeks or so. Now, our 4th sign that someone is going to stop eventually kind of goes along with the humility, and that's the ability to see The problems that it's causing. Now, most of the time they can't see it the way you can see it as the family member. When I say you, I'm talking about as the family member. Most of the time when you're in addiction, you can't see it as clearly as the people around you. And there's actually some biological reasons for that. Like because of what addiction does in your brain, it actually messes up the part of your brain that allows you to weigh pros and cons and see things clearly and make decisions clearly. So it's not just like a willful, I don't want to see it. There's actually like a brain thing going on there. And I actually have a video about that. I'll try to find it for you guys and link it up here. But they may not see it as clearly as you see it, and they may deny that it's as bad as you're trying to say it is. But if they can see that it is causing them problems. They can identify those problems. They can say, well, it's making my blood pressure bad, or well, it's causing me to gain weight, or well, it's causing a lot of trouble between me and my wife and it makes me feel crappy at work because I'm hungover or whatever. If they can identify that it's causing problems and they can have humility and they are trying, even if it's not perfect yet, but they're trying to get it under control and they've had a period of complete abstinence, like completely off. When you get those 4 signs together, you are looking at someone that's pretty dang close to getting it. They're trial and erroring it, they're figuring it out, but they're really trying to get it. And the reason why I really want you guys to know this, because when you're looking at this from the outside perspective, you're most likely to think they're just never going to get it. They keep trying all this crap, won't work. They won't do what they really need to do, and you just get frustrated. But those are not signs that they don't get it. Those are signs that they're trying hard to get it as frustrating as it is. And there's not a way to skip some of those phases in there, like that bargaining phase. There are ways to speed it up. That's why I say you can't skip it, but you can speed it up. And that's a lot of what we teach our families inside the Invisible Intervention and inside of our motivation course and stuff like that. It's kind of like, how do I How do I talk to a person to actually help them figure it out faster? Here's what doesn't work. You tell them the answer. Sometimes it works if they ask you and they want the answer, then you can tell them the answer. Like they literally are. Sometimes I have clients like, literally, Amber, what do I do? And then I know they're in that complete active state of change. And then I tell them, well, here's exactly what you need to do. Just like this. Do exactly what I'm telling you to do and you'll be fine. And they'll do that. But most of the time, unless they just outright ask you, your job is to figure out how to get them to figure it out. If you haven't been following along with my series, I think the last video or second last video comes out next week, but I've got a series about how to motivate someone to get sober, which we've been in the middle of. Tuesdays are when those videos are released. You can watch the first 3 of them if you haven't started it, but that will also help you figure out if you're trying to help someone, how to get them to move through those stages faster. And also what's cool about it is When you recognize what I'm telling you as a family member, you can tolerate the process faster because instead of you seeing it as a sign that they don't care, they're not trying, they love the drug more than me, that stuff, that all that stuff that we interpret it that way. Once you can see, actually it means we're trying and we're moving in the right direction. If it's not perfect, then you, like I said, you can tolerate it better and then you can make strategic choices on how to speed it up instead of What normally happens when we don't really understand what's going on with a person and then we're sort of on their case and we're saying, you're never going to get it and that's stupid and that's not going to work. When you're doing that, you're slowing down the recovery process. You can speed it up. You can also slow it down. And so when you do that, every time you tell the person this ain't going to work and that's stupid and I can't believe you're trying that again, guess what? Now they're even more committed to proving you wrong. So you just forced a little bit of their humility out the way because you're making them defensive and we need that humility. I already told you that's like the number one key. So you can't force anyone to do anything, but you can have influence. You can speed it up or you can slow it down. You can decide how you want to interact with this whole thing. All right. If you are watching on the live and you have a question, a concern, a comment, go ahead and put that up there because there's a little delay. And every time I hit end on these lives, 5 more questions pop up there and then I feel bad. So go ahead and put that up there. If you're watching on the replay, you can put that in the comments and I always come back and read all of your comments. So let me know what you think. If you're watching and you're recovering, I want to know what you tried. Just tell us because you're helping someone else by telling them so that these family members can see it's not a straight line from Okay, I got a problem and then I'm better. That's not the way it works. There's just a lot of ups and downs and back and forth in there. And also, before I take some questions, I will let you know, as always, I've put some resources in the description. And this week I think I put in there the download for you. That's my quick guide to understanding change talk. Change talk is the little things that people say that mean that they're trying to change and they're thinking about changing, and you can identify it when you hear it. And so it's going to give you a lot of examples of if you hear This, this is a good sign. This thing's good. That thing's good. That kind of thing. So you can download that for free. I've put the link to that in the description. It's almost just like a little cheat sheet, so you know exactly what to listen for, and you have like the little bells go off in your ear when you hear. You're like, all right, good sign. Here we go. Got something. All right, let's see who we got here. Thank you guys for showing up live. I feel like even though I haven't met a lot of you, I just feel like I know you. Um, because, because I talk to you on here all the time. Hey Anthony! Hey Amber! Um, let's see. Jane. Jane, I think that's a new name. Jane says, I made a spreadsheet with a taper schedule, rationed out each day, and kept them with a picture of my parents to deter myself from dipping into the next days. I never made it past 3 days. I'm gonna put that up there for y'all and see it because that's a good one, Jane. The reason I think that's so good is because you can tell from reading this statement, this was a pretty serious attempt to try. Even though it didn't work, because tapering yourself off of something that you're addicted to kind of never works, but this is a pretty dang good try. Made a spreadsheet. That's serious. That's more than just big talk. Put my family's picture up there, really tried hard. And so that's what I mean when I say just because It doesn't work doesn't mean someone's not going to figure it out. You know, when I hear Jane say that, I don't know anything about your situation, but when I hear you say that, it just tells me that you're going to figure it out. And probably what's going on in a situation like that is like, I don't want to go to detox. Like, I just don't want to go in and do detox. I just want to do this on my own, which, I mean, most people would think that because who does want to go to detox, right? Or thinking like, okay, I can soften up this whole withdrawal process and I can try to do it easy. So it's a bargain, but don't feel bad that didn't work. It really rarely ever works. In fact, some people try this method that you're talking about and they actually have their family member hold it and give them whatever you're supposed to have each day. And that's always a bad idea too, if that's your bargain. If you're the family member, you better be careful because you're going to end up in the bad guy role. In a skinny minute. And it's not going to be fair at all because they're going to literally tell you like, do not give this to me. Only give me what I'm supposed to have. And then 3 days later they're going to come at you and they're going to yell and scream. They're going to say, I got to have it. I can't believe you're doing this to me. It's totally not fair. So let's see here. Hey Susan. Debbie says, my husband refuses to believe in the science of how much he has changed. He thinks it's only a problem when he is physically drinking. I know now I can't help him. I don't think he ever will. That's a little confusing, Debbie, because it sounds like he's maybe not drinking. Maybe drinking was the problem and maybe he's not drinking now, but there's still other stuff going on. Is that what you're saying? It's like even though he's not drinking, there's still other problems that are happening and he can't see that. I think that's what you're saying, but I'm not sure. So frustrating is right. Patience and empathy is running thin. It's a long road for families when they're picking up the pieces and trying to keep our lives in some sense of normalcy. I'm glad you said that, Pamela, because you're right. There's only so much empathy in the empathy jar and it runs thin. And like inside of our invisible intervention and stuff, and what we coach families to do is take breaks. Get some distance from it. Don't interact with it when you know the gas tank is empty because it won't go well. And you got to realize you're human too. You can watch all the Amber videos and everybody else's videos in the whole world and you can know what you're supposed to do, but eventually you get wore out because you're having to go against your instincts constantly. It's completely not fair. And eventually you run out of empathy. So you got to get some distance. Fill it back up and then kind of come back in slowly and take breaks as you need. I'm really glad you said that, Pamela. How do you stop questioning everything they do? I'm constantly counting money, tracking our car, all that. I don't want to. I've just been lied to so many times. This is a really good question, Amber. And you are right on the money with exactly what anyone does in your situation. And that's, I always say the addictive person is chasing the thing they're addicted to and the family member is chasing the addict and it's a parallel process. So what's happening, Amber, is you're saying, I know I need to stop doing this, but I can't stop, which is the same thing they're saying. I know I need to stop doing this, but I can't stop. Guess what you're going to have to do to stop doing that? You're not going to like it. You're not going to like it, Amber, anymore than the person with the addiction doesn't like it. You're going to have to remove whatever gives you the ability to do that. Like if there's a tracker on the car, take it off. Do not leave the tracker on and then try to convince yourself that you're not going to look. Not happening, right? It's just like if you're addicted to alcohol, you're like, I'm going to leave the alcohol in the fridge. I'm just not going to drink it. Like that's a bad plan. Do not do that. You're going to have to remove it. If you are looking in their phone, if you're If you're married, you may have to look at the bank account, but I want you to do whatever you can possible to make it not very easy. Like if you got the app on your phone, at least take it off your phone so you can't just look at it like 100 times a day or something like, and say, I'm going to look at it online, but here's the limit. Because I know you have to look at your finances and that kind of thing, but take the temptation away. Don't rely on your own willpower to leave everything in place and then tell yourself you're not going to do that. Because to me, see, like that's It's like, I'm gonna leave it there because I might want to look, but I'm not gonna do it. Of course you're gonna do it. Like I would do it. It's too tempting. Let's see here. So it's a good sign when someone goes to drinking wine instead of liquor, even though they're still getting as drunk? Yes. Is it gonna work? No. It's just not going to work. You're right. They're either going to drink a crap ton of wine, right? Until they get the same effect. So now it's like a wine problem, or they're going to drink wine and then their filter's going to be down. Then they're going to go back to drinking whatever the liquor or whatever it was before. So is it going to work? No. But what it does say is that the person is aware that the drinking is a problem. So it tells it that they get it on some level and that they're trying to fix it. It's one of those really common things that people try. That I'll just drink this and not like hard liquor. But it doesn't, it doesn't work. I had a guy I was talking to on the phone one time for like a phone consult. He said something and something and, and I something. I said the word alcoholic. He's like, oh, I'm not alcoholic. Like, I don't even drink. I just drink beer. I don't even drink alcohol. I was like, I didn't say, I didn't say what I was thinking, but I was like. Dude, you know that's alcohol, right? But he like literally was like, I don't even drink alcohol. I mean, like completely 100%, like didn't say it. Thank you, Good Girl, for your sweet words of encouragement. My son just left his wife a month ago and has been drinking every day since. I'm concerned. What should I say to him? He gets defensive when I say something about his drinking. That's a good question. And I'm sure that he's heartbroken and depressed or angry. He's going through a lot of negative emotions if he's just getting out of the relationship with his wife or he's separated. And so he's probably in the pit drinking, like in the I don't even care zone. He's not even in the trying to control it zone yet because he's in the I don't care because he's so depressed or upset or angry or whatever it is that he's experiencing, all the above. It's going to be hard to reach him in So I wouldn't talk to him directly about the drinking. I would maybe just talk to him as long as it's appropriate. I would talk to him about whatever emotions he's going through regarding the situation, get him to sort of open up about that because that's a healthier outlet than the drinking. I wouldn't though. The reason I got hesitant to say that, Scarlet, is because sometimes when people are in that state and then they drink and then they call you up as their family member or friend, and then they're just like drunk talking to you every night for hours and hours saying the same thing. I wouldn't put yourself through that because that's not therapeutic for them. And it's certainly not helpful for you. They don't even remember telling you all that and saying that. So that's not what I mean when I say like, get them to talk about something else. I'm talking about like, if you have like a real moment with them and they're kind of, they're with it, they're engaging with you, then you can have a conversation about that and have empathy and care and concern. And eventually that will help them to see that the drinking really isn't making anything better. Thanks. This video brings me closer to figuring out how to get some of my family members to sobriety. I'm frustrated and worried about my family now, and I know how they were feeling when I was. I'm guessing when you were saying like when you were using, Anthony. Yeah. You know what's worse than being an addict? Caring about one. It's worse. And if you don't believe me, ask Anthony and ask anybody who's ever had an addiction who also has a family member and they've been on both sides. They'll tell you it's worse to be on the family side. Because you really don't have any control and it's not fun and you don't have the substance to come and like make you feel all better. You're just dealing with it. They are always too positive that this time I'll stay sober without really accepting how bad they were high. If they're like, if they're, I hear what you're saying, Sandra, is like, they're like, Maybe irrationally optimistic, which I've seen a lot. You got to be careful with that though, because you don't want to just like stomp all over that and say, and kind of roll your eyes or give the vibe that you don't believe them. Be optimistic with them, even if you know it's not going to work, and just say, I'm totally excited you're doing this. Like, you're totally going to figure this out because you want to encourage them to keep trying because they will eventually figure it out if they do keep trying. Let's see. Hilda says, my partner started and stopped in the initial 30-day kickoff, 3 to 5 minute videos. Oh, you're talking about my 30-day jumpstart. Your partner did the 30-day jumpstart videos where they got the little videos that come to their inbox every day. Do you recommend he perform the exercises all in one day? Or still complete one video at a time, or he's just not ready to give it up yet. I didn't give him an ultimatum. My, let me look back at that, Hilda. My partner started and stopped the initial 30-day kickoff. So what you're saying is he got like maybe like 10 days in or something and then he kind of fell off and you're saying, should he go back and like watch the other ones and try to do all at once or go back today? Whatever he wants to do. He may want to watch a couple of them. He may want to watch one or two. Some of them he may connect to more than others. But just the idea that he would pick it back up and start looking at it again, I think is a massively good sign. And so your job in that situation isn't to tell him whether or not to like watch them all at once or start over or do them one at a time. Your job is just to say, I'm really proud of you. I'm really impressed that you're picking yourself back up and you're willing to give it another try. That's all you have to do. And then you can let him figure that, him or her figure that part out. The Health Is On. Hey, I like your profile name. Hey Amber, I recently discovered your channel and so appreciate the way you explain addiction. I'm the one struggling with alcohol. I'm not sure if I'm addicted, but these points hit home. LOL, Rick. Rick, I do have a video. I don't know if you've seen this one yet, if you just found my channel, but it literally goes through all 11 criteria of the official word is alcohol use disorder. And then you can not only Diagnose yourself like for real, legitimately, like the same way a professional would. But you can, not only does it say you have a problem or not, but it'll tell you sort of where you're at in the continuum, mild, moderate, severe sort of thing. And that's probably the most objective way to really look at it. But whether or not you do or you don't, something about it must be problematic for you to be thinking about it. And so the fact that you're catching it early is quite impressive. If you don't hear anything from me at all, Rick, hear this one thing. You don't have to let it get terrible before you deal with it. In fact, deal with it now before it is fully on an addiction, and you will be saving yourself a lot of heartache, time, money, energy, relationships, everything. All right, here, let's see. YouTube user, 100% agree. My dad, who was 30 years in recovery, said my ex couldn't humble himself enough to get sober. Same with my— is that your daughter when you're saying AD? Is that addicted daughter or adult daughter there? Yeah, you'll hear a lot of times people, especially if they come from like an old school AA perspective, say someone's not humble enough. And it's kind of tricky because most people in active addiction don't easily show their humility. And the reason is because they're very defensive and they're very guarded. And so it's hard to tell. So what I would say is, if you look at areas that don't have to do with the addiction, can they be humble? Can they admit mistakes in other areas? Can they say sorry for other things? If they can, what that means is that they do have the capacity for it and that maybe they're not being humble about their addictive behavior, but that's probably symptomatic of the addiction, not symptomatic of the person. But if they can be humble in other situations, it means they have the ability, which is a very good sign. I have a video that I did a while back, which is all about, is my loved one a narcissist, like a real narcissist or an alcoholic or both? And that's because it can be hard to tell because sometimes people, when they're in active addiction, they can Behave in ways similar to narcissism, but it's not really that. And it kind of helps you differentiate those things out. I thought my daughter was drinking due to some difficult issues in her life, so I let her move in with me and my hubby and my grandson. I was wrong. What is the first step besides enabling? Is what you're saying is like you, you let her move in because some difficulties she was having in her— like, I'm confused a little bit, Mary, I guess is what I'm saying. Like, is it like maybe she was breaking up with her husband or somebody like that and she didn't have a place to live? And that's what you mean when you say she, you thought she was drinking, or she moved into your house and you found out like her story that showed you wasn't even true at all and she's still just drinking? Or what you're saying is yes, the What she was drinking about is still the case, but nonetheless, it's still not working. What is the first step? The first step is to figure out how to either get some distance, meaning not have her living in your house, or how to protect the family and put some emotional distance, even if she still is in the house, so that her behaviors don't sort of drag everyone else down as she figures it out. One of our Facebook viewers says, hey Amber, you've been a godsend. Well, thank you. You're so sweet. My relationship with my high-functioning alcoholic husband has changed drastically for the better after using your techniques. However, he is drinking more. Doesn't make sense. Is that typical? How do I respond? What's going on? Wonderful, wonderful question. I'm really glad you said this because I forget to say this all the time. When you're the family member and you start using these techniques that I teach, the substance use isn't going to go away immediately. What will happen pretty quickly is exactly what you're saying, which is the relationship will get better. And actually, I know you're going to think this is crazy, but actually when the substance use gets worse, but the relationship gets better, that's a good sign. Because the reason that's a good sign is because it's going to be harder for them to deny it's a problem because now they're not going to be focused on how mean you are or whatever. They're not going to be feeling sorry for themselves. They're not going to be irritated with the relationship. So that's not going to block their view. And the fact that the addiction is getting worse, it's making it like a bigger red flag warning sign. So the goal of using a lot of the techniques Is to step out of the way so that the person can see the problem. What would be worse, I know this sounds crazy, what would be worse is like, let's say your person was like using X amount and then you tried these techniques and your relationship got better and the substance abuse problem got a little better. That's actually worse because if they are successful at some of these bargains like we were talking about, like cutting it back and it's like working and it's working for a while, then we're probably going to go back further in denial. So I would rather for those bargains to not work because that's going to help us move through them faster. That's what I mean by speeding them up. So I know that sounds crazy, but it's actually, to me, says it's headed in the right direction. Um, Silver Moon says, um, hey from England. I have an addiction to opiate painkillers and caffeine. Yes, that's 2 big ones. Have you, Silver Moon, have you, what have you tried that's either been helpful and what have you tried that's not been helpful to work on those 2 things? And I will tell you this, sometimes people ask me why I don't talk about addictions like caffeine. I don't really talk about nicotine or food addiction, stuff like that. It's not that those aren't like dependencies or issues, but they don't cause nearly the trouble that the other ones cause. So if you're going to put your energy towards something, You just drink your caffeine, okay? And you deal with the open addiction because caffeine addiction isn't going to ruin your life. It's just not. Most people I know in recovery, they're like walking around like Monster drink in their hand, 2 in their back pockets for when they finish that one. It's like chain energy drinks, which is not healthy. And eventually that does get better. But I don't suggest trying to conquer all that at one time. So if you got to put your energy somewhere, put it towards the big one and then figure out the other one if, if that's the issue. Thank you for joining us, especially all the way from England. Uh, let's see here. He tells me when he's found a lower alcohol beer because he thinks I'll be happy about it. Switch from 7 or 8% alcohol to 3%. I'm supportive, but really think he'll just drink more in quantity. Perfect. You're 100% right. Exactly what's going to happen. He's either just going to drink twice as many of them, or he's just going to say, forget it, and go back to drinking what he was drinking. But nonetheless, the fact that he's trying to cut back the percentage is a really good sign. In fact, one of the ways that I kind of know someone has alcohol problem is because they literally know what percent is in every alcoholic beverage. They can literally tell you all beers, what percent is what and what's what. Because when you have that problem, you actively think about how to get the highest content alcohol the fastest, because that's what it's like inside having an alcoholic. Because that's what you're thinking about, because it's literally like a freaking job that you got to do. You got to get this amount in to be okay. And so the Cutting it back is probably not going to work, but it is a good sign. So I'm really glad, Robin, that you're being supportive. You are on track. Robin also says, is it possible to wean off? Can you take this approach to try to detox slowly? Robin, since you're telling me your husband drinks alcohol, I will tell you that stopping alcohol cold turkey, if someone's been drinking A lot every day can be dangerous. It's actually one of the more dangerous substances to stop cold turkey. So it's not really advisable to stop cold turkey unless you have spoken with your doctor or at least gotten an assessment for withdrawal potential because withdrawal from alcohol can cause seizures, hallucinations, blood pressure. I mean, all kind of stuff that actually can kill you. So I don't know how much he's been drinking or not drinking, but if it's a lot, I would I would assess. Do I think tapering yourself with the alcohol is going to work? No. I think it works for like a minute. Like you get a little ways with it, but it ultimately doesn't work. I forget who it was earlier, Jane, I think, that was telling us that they even had the spreadsheet. But even like I said though, even though it probably isn't going to work, the fact that they're trying to do that says that they're trying and that they're seriously trying. And so let them try to do that. I doubt, I mean, in theory it works, right? Like that would make sense. Like if I just taper myself down, then I can do it safely and I can come off of it in theory. But it doesn't fit with the laws of addiction because the laws of addiction says I can't consistently manage my consumption of this substance. So they may can do it some days and not other days, but does it ultimately work? Probably not. Um, let's see here. Let's see. Says, should I help my son? He has 3 daughters even while he is still using. His ex-wife will not allow him to see his girls or us, the grandparents, because she is now involved with someone else. Oh, I see what you're saying. Should you help your son see his daughters? I don't know what you would have to do to help your son see his daughters. Is it because you're telling me that his ex-wife won't even let you see them, which is kind of crazy, right? Like, does she think you're gonna, like, what is she? And I know sometimes with split-ups it's just kind of a sides thing and a vengeful thing, and it doesn't have to make sense or whatever, but I'm just wondering why she won't let you see them because I don't know that there's a lot you could do to help other than like paying for a lawyer and this and that. I probably would not do that if that's what you mean. Like, should I hire this big expensive lawyer? I might, would definitely help with that kind of thing once your son has stabilized in the addiction, but you're going to be wasting money to fix the custody issue when the addiction issue hasn't been addressed. If what you mean by helping your son see his daughters is like he can have, what do they call it? Like supervised visits. If you're there, should you allow that? Like, should you be the person that supervises and make— then yes, I think that's plenty fine. But I wouldn't sink a lot of money into legally fighting it until the situation was better. Good question. Is it Cassie? Cassie with a K. My partner has been an alcoholic for 15 years. We're separated because I can't do the violence, anger, and him losing his job due to his drinking. Family wants nothing to do with it. How can I trust him? You can't trust him right now. It doesn't sound like if someone is violent with you, you have to deal with the safety first. So you guys know on here I talk about empathy. I talk about support. You guys know, like literally I am probably of all the people out there that tell you about how to deal with that. I'm like the most supportive, like they can do it cheerleading person. But if they're violent with you and they are dangerous to be around, that that comes first. So you cannot try so hard to help him that you are putting yourself in that dangerous of a situation. That's just. That's just in my mind. That's just a no-go zone. That's just where the line in the sand is, right? Like, I can help be supportive. I can be okay with you figuring this out and the trial and error. That's all cool. But the violence, uncool if you ask me. Tammy says, my son said that he is tired of being trespassed from place To place and he got a job but lost within a day. He wants help but doesn't want to go to rehab. How do I know if he really wants help? So is what you're saying, Tammy, when you say it says trespass, but I think what you're saying is passed from place to place, like maybe like he's lived in this place and that place or been from one rehab to the next. Is that what you're saying? I'm not sure. I think it is. He's saying he wants help, but he doesn't want to go to rehab. Is he willing to get any other kind of help? Because when you say that, I assume you mean like go into like a residential place and like stay there. Is he willing to talk to a counselor? Is he willing to listen to a podcast? What's he willing to do? If he's not willing to do anything, then he probably isn't Really ready to think that he needs help. But he may be in the stage where he thinks, yeah, this is a problem, but I can conquer it on my own kind of thing. And our video from Tuesday, actually the last video I released before this one, is actually about this exact topic. So you may want to go back and take a look at that one too, Tammy. Um, let's see. Thank you for your kind words, um, Tracy. Hey Tammy, I see you there. Just Watching Stuff, I've seen your name recently. Just Watching Stuff, because I can remember it because it's like a funny profile name. Um, tell me you're taking responsibility without telling me you're taking responsibility. I watch this channel, I like it, I like it. Perfect, that's a good one. Patty says, my son is an addict, has been really bad for a year and a half. Recently went to jail for over 18 days, was clean when he came out. Within a week he was back at it. He says he's sick of living like this, but still keeps on the same way. What is the first step for us as parents of an adult addict? Well, the fact that he says he's sick of living like that, that's a good sign because it says he wants to change. He's probably in some denial about what it's going to take to change. So he's kind of like got out of the level of denial, meaning like he realizes it's a problem, but maybe isn't all the way ready to do what it's going to take. And so there are a lot of ways to get them there. We teach it in our Invisible Intervention. You can go back and look at the Motivate Someone to Get Sober series that we've been talking about. You can find that on the channel and you can just watch them like in order because I made that series like literally like In a step-by-step process order. So that one might help you, Patty. Let's see. This is a good question. Just curious, how do you choose the questions you answer? Well, that's a good question. I have a very difficult time like talking and remembering what to say and then watching all the comments and questions on the side. So I just sort of scan through and then try to pick them, especially like if I see a question mark or something. But it, It's difficult because I'm super ADD and so it's hard for me to tell. Like sometimes it's in the chats, like you guys chatting and answering each other's questions. Sometimes you're just making comments, sometimes you're asking questions. So I just try to see 'em, MD. I don't really do the best job of it. I wish there was a way to like have a moderator who could like literally put the ones up on the screen I needed to see. Other than that, like if I have the time to like look at 'em and answer 'em, Then like if I'm answering questions that are in the regular comments, like on the replay, if it's a question I can answer in a comment, I'll answer it. But sometimes people ask me questions that are so vague that there's just not like, you know, like sometimes people ask me something like, what do I do about my brother who's a drug addict? And it's just so vague and there's just not enough detail. I'm like, there's just no way I can even answer that. And then another time where it's hard for me to answer a question is sometimes when someone gives me too much, like they'll literally write like 4 pages and tell me every single detail. It's so complex that I can't— I could answer it probably if I talked to that person and worked it through, but probably not in a comment. So that's how I answer it if I have the time figured out. But I think what you're asking me is how I choose the ones from the live video. And the answer to that is not very well, MD. What is the greatest tool an advocate can use to help drug court clients? I think, I know this sounds like a counselor-y answer, which I try not to give, but I think being positive is the best tool and thing you can do to help someone to see what they're doing right, to encourage them. Because I know sometimes you're dealing with people with addictions, They're making a lot of mistakes, right? And it's frustrating and it's just like, seriously, especially when it's what you do all day long. Mary Beth, it sounds like that's what you do. It's like, not only is it like watching this one person make the same mistakes, but you're literally watching everybody you deal with make the same mistakes, say the same things all day, every day. And it is so hard to keep yourself in a good mindset place. So the best thing you can do is keep yourself In an optimistic place because that's the best gift that you have to give them. And honestly, that's like the most effective thing is I just try to find what they're doing right and just reinforce it. And then they like that and then they want more of it and then they want to do another thing right. And that works as good as anything that I've seen. Let's see here. One of our Facebook viewers says, hey Amber, what can I do to help my son not start to use again? He's incarcerated, so he's clean, but he tells me he might be out by October. I hate him being in jail, but I love the fact that he's healthy in there and he's alive. His siblings will not be in the picture when he comes out due to his substance use. He— so it will just be me. What should I do? Any suggestions to keep him clean without sounding like I'm mothering him? I have an answer for you. Facebook viewer. And the answer is he needs to come out of where he's at and go into sober living. That's the answer. He's not going to want to do that. You may not want him to do that, but that's what you need to do. It doesn't mean you can't see him. Doesn't mean he— I'm not saying he has to be somewhere where he is locked up or anything. I'm just saying sober living, you can have a job, you can work, you can go to school, you can do this, but you have that routine and structure in place that is necessary. To help you get back up on your feet. So my suggestion would be look for some good sober living options if that is at all possible. I know it's not always possible. I get that there are limitations. All right, everybody, thank you so much for hanging out. I put the Change Talk download link in the description, and I will see you all next week, every Thursday at 1. Bye, everybody.