4 Step Stress Management Plan For People/Families Battling Addiction | feat. @TherapyinaNutshell

Today we have Special guest Emma McAdam with us from the YouTube channel Therapy in a Nutshell. She's like a celebrity. You guys should be so excited. I know I am. And she is a licensed marriage and family therapist. And I know, Emma, on your channel, you talk managing anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts. So I want to kind of COVID this from the person maybe who's in early recovery from their point of view and from the family point of view, if that's okay. Since we got you, I just want to get as much out of you as I can. And it's one of the. The things that you to some degree have to tolerate, even though it feels pretty unfair and definitely not fun. Do you have any thoughts about that for us?

Oh, it's a good. It's a good question, because that does sound really like, I don't like it when people are up in my business. I don't like it when people are telling me what to do or like, checking on me with, like, that tone. It drives me. It. It definitely gets my, like gets my guff up. Is that the right word? Yeah, you know, I just. I just get like a little bit oppositional. I get a little bit like, no, I'm in control of my life. Leave me alone. And that's not necessarily the most helpful thing to do. So. So. Right.

If we. We do talk, Emma, just so you know, we. We talk a lot on the channel for family members. We. We ask them not to do that, and they try really hard not to, but it still sneaks through sometimes. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. And so, so if you're the person who's getting checked up on, I mean, so this is like, how are we going to manage these relationships? And how are we going to manage these emotions? So I, you know, primarily, let's start with the emotions. Right? Let's start with yourself. Noticing and naming. This is the first step of processing emotions. So you've got to be like, what is this feeling I'm having? I am feeling angry, irritated, frustrated. Are you feeling ashamed? Are you feeling defensive? Are you feel uncertain? Are you feeling annoyed? So just start by, like, noticing your patterns. What are you most likely to feel? What sort of things might, like, in what situations will you notice that? So if, you know, like, oh, so for example, my mother in law. If my mother in law comes in and it's like, hey, here's what we're gonna do with this activity. I know that that's the sort of thing that's gonna like, trigger my personal sense of like, wait this is my house, this is my, like, I should be in charge here. So I can kind of predict that's the sort of situation where I'm going to get, you know, like my hackles raised.

Like a button. This is one of my buttons. And I know I gotta be careful with this button. Right.

So you just gain some awareness. And they say, okay, what's that feeling? What? You gotta give that emotion. So a feeling is not, oh, she makes me, you know, she's so rude. She makes me so mad, whatever like that. Well, mad is a word, Mad is an emotion word. But using an emotion word is really important. So I feel. And you can't follow that with like a like or that. I feel like this is so unfair. I feel like the world's out to give me. I feel like you cannot follow the word feel with a like or that. You have to say, I feel anxious, I feel angry, I feel stressed. You got to name that and then say hello anger or hello guilt. You gotta say hello to it.

I love that because it puts it back, keeps it on you. And I think in early recovery, you really only no one feeling. It's called I need a drink or I need a fill in the blank.

Yep. You know, as we talk today, when it comes down to it, would you agree with this? You tell me if I'm, I'm off on this. But most, if not all, desire to use something addictive is based on the need to avoid something uncomfortable.

Oh, yes, 100% or yeah. The only other time is enhance something good. Celebrate.

There it is.

Yeah, that's the only other one. But that's a good point.

Right. So you want to feel something more but you like with a lot of substance use disorders, it's like, I can't tolerate this feeling. I need to make it go away. I need to make it go away as fast as possible. And the fastest, most predictable way to do that is to use a substance.

Right.

So the alternative to this is processing emotions, like actually working through emotions. And this takes a lot longer. Longer, but it works really good in the long run. Right. This is a sustainable strategy, is processing emotions and the shameless plug here. But I do have a 30 part video series on this. Like, this is not like there's just one skill that you need to learn. It's like, oh, let's like take these, like, let's take this step by step by step. And once you learn these steps, you can develop a predictable way to work through and resolve emotions instead of just avoiding them or making them Go away or suppressing them or blowing up and reacting to them.

I love the idea of, of someone in early recovery going through a course like that because I think so often it's in our mind, it's like what are you doing? You go to meetings, you know, you talk to your sponsor, you work the truss ups. And, and there's not even in treatment, there's just not enough attention paid to developing life skills. Yeah. To deal with the uncomfortableness. I feel like doing something like that is just as effective maybe even more than some of the other like really typical, just substance abuse. Very focused in kind of treatment options or support groups or that kind of thing. Yeah.

Well, I mean the tricky thing is you've got a crisis you have to manage which is like don't drink today. And you've got this long term problem of like I haven't learned how to manage my emotions. I haven't learned how to solve my life problems without substances to help me or hurt me obviously. And so we're, you're trying to balance both those needs in substance abuse. Right. Like the crisis, can we get through this moment? Can we cope? Can we get to my support group instead of, you know, going to the bar or someplace I'm going to drink or use. And so, so you've got to be doing those short term things that are going to hold you up while you're like trying not to drown. Right. Like this is the life jacket. Right. If someone doesn't know how to swim, you start with a life jacket or a life instructor or a lifeguard. You're starting with those steps, the crisis and the coping skills. But coping skills don't help people manage emotions. Coping skills help people get through emotions in the short term without doing something stupid. So then what I'm talking about is this process of learning how to swim. And you can't learn how to swim today. You can practice today, you can't learn how to swim this week, but you can practice this week. And it might take a month or longer depending on what your swimming needs are.

Right.

And so, so we got to take this two pronged approach. And the short term stuff really does matter, it's important. And then the long term stuff is like little by little, chip away, learn, learn those relational skills and emotional skills. So going back to someone who's like family members, bothering them, the basics of this are can I notice and name my own emotions? Can I acknowledge what I can and can't change? So I can't change My, my mother, my mother in law My partner, my child. I can't change them, but I can influence them. I can, say, set boundaries. I can manage my own reactivity. And so that's. That's kind of how you. I would say, work through that.

But then some of these other more advanced skills might be, like, how do I have a conversation with my loved one and what's fair and appropriate, and how do I set some boundaries, but also, you know, be aware of, you know, their needs as well. So it's sort of in the moment, but don't just get in the crisis mode of just getting through it. Developing those other skills will keep the next one from coming.

Yep.

Yeah, I love that.

Yep. And. And. And some of those swimming skills are really hard skills that people work on for. I mean, I would say relational skills are things I've been working on for decades. How about you?

Me too.

Like, relationships are so important, and they're hard. So learning how to have a conversation and, like, when someone drives you crazy, how to, like, talk with them and accept that they, like, are how they are and also invite them to level up a little bit. Like, it's complicated stuff. So, you know, being a little patient with that and then learning, you know, assertiveness skills, like, this is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm experiencing without saying, like, you need to stop, or, you know, all these blaming and attacking.

I think. I think there's this other type of anxiety or uncomfortableness that people feel, and it's about their own shame and guilt about everything that happened when they were an active addiction, because it's like, now you're coming out of this fog, and now you're dealing with these messes that have been made, and you're looking more honestly at things, and that is. Is very distressing. And to me, that. That's almost like a different kind of stress that you might be dealing with.

Yeah.

Do you have any thoughts about that?

Well, I'm sure it's really. I'm sure it's a really big trigger for a lot of people because, like, let's say that they. They're trying to do recovery, and they're trying to. And then, you know, they're reminded of something terrible they did or something that really hurt someone else, and then they start feeling like a terrible human being, and that's just really, really uncomfortable to feel that way. And then they need that feeling to go away. Right. If you have this rule in your head that I can't handle feeling this way, then your options, like, I must feel differently now, your options are very limited, and that often includes unhealthy behaviors. Right. So let's. Let's look at shame and guilt for a second. From my perspective, you tell me if you would agree with this. From my perspective, guilt is the idea of I made a mistake, and shame is the idea of I am a mistake. Like, I am a bad person. So let's say I stole money from my family members to buy my drugs, and now they all hate me, or they don't trust me, or they won't let me in their house, or I'm not invited to Thanksgiving. And you sit there and you're laying in bed at night and you're thinking, man, I'm just a terrible human being. This is awful. Like, why even try to recover? No one's ever going to forgive me. And you start kind of going down this, like, toilet bowl spiral of like, I just suck so bad. Right?

Yeah. In addiction recovery, we. You often hear people say things like, you're. That's your addiction talking to you, and your addiction is trying to beat you up, or your disease is trying to get you to throw your hands in the air and. And stop fighting it. It's. It's just sort of a way of understanding this voice and disconnecting it. This voice and this thought from who you are.

Yeah. Yep. And I would say anytime. Anytime you're going to a label for yourself. That's what shame is.

Right.

Shame is labeling yourself as bad, broken, deficient, permanently. Like, this is a part of who you are, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to get honest and say, that's a lie. Like, that is straight up a lie anytime. So these labels, these self labels, and. And this is true outside of recovery, too, which is these self labels are incredibly self justifying. It's a. We don't mean it. We don't intentionally mean to be justifying ourselves because we think we're doing it kind of righteously. We're beating ourselves up. Right. I'm not. I'm not, like, excusing myself. I. I'm beating myself up.

Well, those always leads to another bad decision.

That's right. Yes. They excuse you from facing your guilt honestly. And I would consider guilt. It's not always this. Not always this way. But the way I'm going to use the word guilt today is that guilt is. Let's use the word guilt as a pure emotion. Like, I punched my neighbor in the face. I feel guilty for this. I should not have done that. So I'm going To, like, emotions serve a function. They aren't just bad things that happen to us. Emotions serve function. And if I punch my neighbor in the face, the emotion of guilt should motivate me to make repairs, to make changes so that I don't punch people in the face of the future, to talk to my neighbor, to apologize, to ask them what I can do to make this right, to if I get charged or if I need to pay for their medical bills, whatever it is, to make repairs. Right, right. And so emotions, like the actual Latin word is emotion, right? Mote is for movement. Emotions should make us move. So guilt makes us move, should, when we face it honestly, help us move toward fixing things and identifying what kind of person do I want to be and taking tiny steps toward that, whereas shame does the exact opposite. I'm a terrible human being. Then what? Well, why bother trying to fix that relationship? Well, why bother trying to stay sober? Well, why bother living? Right?

Kind of this give up, I can't help it. It's just who I am, you know, I'm always going to mess things up kind of attitude. Yep, yep.

And so as soon as you notice yourself going to that same place and giving yourself labels, you have to be honest enough to say, that's a lie. I'm using that as an excuse. Even though it doesn't feel like an excuse because you're beating yourself up, it's an excuse. And instead ask yourself this really hard question. If I feel ashamed about this, what do I actually value? If I feel like I'm a terrible human being and I feel bad about that, it actually means I value being a good person and I'm not maybe living my life the way I want to be living.

Oh, yeah, I really like that. Right.

And then you identify, how do I want to be living? And then you have to summon up every freaking ounce of courage you have to say, I'm gonna try again to live a little bit, like, closer to the life I want to be living. So with the example I punch my neighbor in the face, oh, my gosh, I feel like a terrible human being. I'm a bad person. Okay, wait, hold up. Take a deep breath. Okay. You saying you're a bad person, is that helping anyone? Is that helping your neighbor? No, you feel like a bad person. Because I actually believe I shouldn't solve problems with violence. I actually believe I should, like, not, like, be mean to people who aren't doing, you know.

Yeah, Right.

But, like, I mean, yeah, obviously, if. If I needed to protect someone, maybe that would be the right action. But in this case it's not. That's not why this happened. And so I have never punched my neighbor in the face. But this is a theoretical right?

Like, like if they're, like if they let their dog come poop in your yard kind of situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that. Right? Yeah. And so then I got to identify what kind of person do I want to be? Well, I want to solve problems, pick peacefully. I want to manage my own emotions better. And so then you say, what action can I take about that? To act on this? What action can I take? Or so maybe you got in a huge fight with your girlfriend or your boyfriend and you have this huge blow up and you're like, oh man, no one's ever going to love me. I'm unlovable. Boom. There's a label. There's shame. And it doesn't help you fix anything. So you say, what kind of person I want to be? Well, I want to have a healthy relationship. Maybe I need to actually break up with this person. Maybe I need to actually repair with this person. What kind of things do I value? And so that's. That is my personal approach to helping people work through. Shame is a lie.

I hadn't really thought of the way you, the way you said it, but I really like it, which is using the shame as an indicator for what you really value instead of using it for some kind of label which really just results in sort of letting yourself off the hook. But, but if saying if I feel bad about this, then must mean that XYZ or whatever is important to me.

Yeah. The things we're most emotional about are the things that matter most and the things we actually care about. And emotions can get twisted and distorted. Right. I can have false guilt. I can feel too guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about. But when we really clarify what, when we notice them and name them, say, hello, guilt. What are you about? What are you trying to show me? Do you serve a function here? What are you trying to tell me about the kind of person I want to be? Then we can use that emotion as like a really cool motivator instead of this idea of like, oh, there's positive emotions and there's negative emotions. Guilt feels uncomfortable, so it's bad, so I shouldn't feel it, so I should avoid it. So the way I avoid it is by, I could list a hundred coping skills, or I could use drugs, or I could use sex, or I could use whatever video gaming to avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid avoiding Or I can just say guilt. What do you have to teach me?

Right. I like to think of it, they're like little indicator lights on your dashboard.

Yep.

Just little lights giving you a little piece of information. Yeah.

Yeah. And so. And a lot of times when we're healthy, emotions are those indicators that tell us, oh, something's not right here. Let's fix it, let's take it to the shop, let's get it looked at, let's find out what the problem is and let's fix it. And every once in a while, it's one of those dumb TPMS sensor things. And your tire is actually just fine.

Yes.

Right. And it's just your sensor that's, like, off a little bit. So sometimes when we feel anxiety, for example, we're not actually in any danger, we just feel anxious. And when we sit with it and notice it and look at it, we're like, oh, actually, I'm safe. Or like, maybe I feel guilty as a mom, and it's like, oh, I feel like a terrible mom because I didn't spend four hours playing with my child. And then we look at it like, well, my child actually got fed, they got loved, I didn't beat them. Like, they have a safe home. We're okay. And so sometimes those emotions are actually, like, not to be trusted.

I love that you use. While ago, you used the word lie like a thought is a lie. And. And I. And that was so cool because it's so easy to just believe I think it or feel it. It's truth.

Right.

And that's not the case.

That's right. Our thoughts and our feelings lie to us all the time. So we use them as informative but not decisive. Right. We don't always believe them, but we can look at them and ask them.

Especially in early recovery, because I think your brain chemistry is still, like, normalizing and stabilizing out, and so your emotions are just so much more unstable. You know, you're up, you're down, everything feels bigger than it normally would, and you have to really stop to question it even more in that early recovery state.

And maybe, maybe people would think this is offensive and unfeminist of me, but, like, when you're on your period, like, right before your period, and everyone seems terrible and everyone seems awful and, like, you hate yourself or something. Right. Like, when you have awareness that your period's coming right up, you're like, well, this is just my period speaking. Right. But, like, I still feel this way, but I'm not going to believe It.

Right. I do that same thing. I'm always like, am I really this mad? You know, And I have to, like, stop and ask myself, because it feels real at the moment.

Yeah.

Yes. And.

And so, like, with those examples, it's like, you've got to, like, develop the ability to just slow. Slow yourself down. Like, oh, I feel this way. If it's true, it'll still be true tomorrow, and I can take action.

And I like that you mentioned also the family member side. So let's move over to the family member side, because it's really a parallel process for the person who's struggling with an addiction and their family member. And it's really the same process is going on, but maybe, you know, one person's resisting this thing, other person's resisting that thing, but it's still the very same thing. So I feel like there's a lot of shame and guilt that the family member feels for think maybe things they've said and done while the person's in active addiction, maybe they feel like somehow they've contributed to the problem. They. They struggle with those same emotional triggers.

Totally. And I think that's so good that you bring awareness to that, because so, like, if you're the parent of someone who's struggling as a parent, you're gonna wonder and worry, what did I do wrong and what have I done? And you desperately want your child to be healthy. And the same goes to other. Other roles. But I think it's important. Just like addiction is kind of a desperate attempt to avoid uncomfortable emotions, trying to control your loved one, trying to force them into recovery, or trying to force them to recover. When I say force them into recovery, sometimes you can, like, help someone get into a placement that's helpful. Right. But, like, trying to control someone else is also a desperate attempt to avoid your own emotions.

Right.

Like, you have to acknowledge, like, this is what I'm feeling, and I can't control other people to regulate my own emotions. There's a saying in acceptance and commitment therapy, which is kind of one of my main approaches, which is don't just do something, sit there. So when we have these intense emotions, they're really uncomfortable. We have this intense drive to just make them go away. And as an addict, that might look like using, and as a family member, it might look like controlling, yelling, screaming, screaming, like lecturing, avoiding, escaping. Right. All of those behaviors. And that's just another form of like, I can't tolerate my feelings. I can't regulate my behaviors. So instead, don't just do Something. Sit there, Slow it down. Slow it down. Like, that's always the first step of emotion processing.

It sounds. It sounds, counselor. Like something us counselors would say, Feel your feelings. I try to avoid saying stuff like that.

I do, too. I always feel symptoms.

Let it sort of flow through and come. Come out the other side and make some sense of it. Right.

Yeah. So, yeah. So saying feel your feelings, what does that look like on a practical level? Because this is a. This is a skill that can be learned. It's not just like a woo, Feel your feelings.

Right, right, right.

And so for both the addict and the helper or the family member, there are some things you can do to slow it down. And obviously, you know, there's ones people have heard of, like, take a slow breath. And the ones I mentioned earlier. Name it. Give it a name. Hello, anger. Hello, anxiety. Here you are. Hello, fear. As a family member, fear is probably a really big one. Oh, yeah, Anger. So notice it, name it. Take a deep breath. And then the things that I like. I like being a little bit more active than just sitting there and meditating upon things. I like to write. I'm a huge fan of writing and diagramming, so I might, like, write, oh, my gosh, my. My person is doing all these things, and it's driving me crazy, and I'm so scared, and I'm so worried. And then I might write, like, feelings, and I might put that in a circle. Like, I feel sc. I feel anxious. And then I might write, like. But they. And I might write everything I'm angry about. Like, and then I might write. So just writing it, because there's something about writing it, making it concrete, that really can help bring clarity. And clarity is the next step in processing emotion. You got to clarify, like, what can I do? What can I do?

It sort of forces you out of just that plain emotional state into some sort of thinking state, because just to even, you know, put the letters on the paper forces you into that other part of your brain, which then helps you to sort of sort through it and then make. Make decisions, I call it make strategic decisions instead of emotional reactions about what to do about any given situation.

Absolutely. Yeah. I love that you bring that up. That's a really good point, because it is. It's taking you those different parts of your brain, and it's shifting you to, like, think. And one of the most powerful things we do in therapy is making things that are vague and nebulous and just making them concrete, solid. So we can just say, oh, there's Nothing I can do about this or there's something I can do about this. It's one or the other.

Right. And in recovery, that is the whole serenity prayer thing. The things I can change and the things I can't.

Yeah, absolutely. I think about that all the time. Grab me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the wiz, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know.

That's right. That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I'll sometimes have people, like, do a locus of control activity, which is the same thing. You take a piece of paper, you put three columns. What can't I change? What can I change? And in the middle, there's some things you can influence. You can influence the person you're trying to help, but you usually can't force them.

Right. And we. That's what we talk a lot about on the channel, is how to have that influence. Right. Forcing them is. Is the least effective way to influence someone trying to sort of go directly at them. Right. One of the big things I think that family members particularly struggle with that causes them anxiety is what if they relapse or are they relapsing or what am I going to do, you know, if they drink again or whatever? How would you. How would you go about managing that kind of thought?

I'm going to write that down really quick because I also follow my own advice.

I love it. Modeling.

What if they relapse? What was the other one?

What if they relapse? What if they don't get it? But, like, what if they don't get back under control? What am I going to do if they relapse?

Yep.

Yeah.

Or are they relapsing? Right.

I mean, it starts a whole. A whole spiral. Does that mean they have to go back to treatment? Will they stop if they. Once they start?

Yep. Okay, so you're talking about a couple different things here. And one of them is worry. And then one of them is like, it's a lot of worry. Actually. All of those are worries. Right.

It's a lot of worry. Yeah.

So let's identify that. Let's name it what it is. Right. This is worry. Worry is a thought behavior. Right. Worry. And. And in managing worry is a skill that can be learned as well. When you know what to do with worry, you can get a lot better so that those worries aren't taking over your life and making you feel sick to your stomach all the time or angry or whatever. So with worry, it's acknowledging. These are Thoughts and also admitting that worry is sometimes helpful and sometimes not helpful. So chronic worry where you're constantly just ruminating, ruminating, ruminating all day long. What if they relapse? What if they relapse? What will I do if they relapse? What will I do if they relapse? Just thinking that all day long. You're going to make your nervous system sick. Right. You're going to get stuck in that fight or flight mode and you're gonna get sick both physically and emotionally. It makes you anxious.

Right, Right. Because as a, as a family member, there's so many pieces of it. There's the, you know, what if they relapse? And there's the sort of standard, I don't want to go back through that again. But then there's this whole other fight that happens inside that's about you feel guilty for staying. You feel like you're an idiot if you keep, like trying and supporting them or whatever, but you also feel guilty if you don't. And you. And you kind of feel held hostage by. No matter which way you go, it doesn't feel good.

Yeah, that's true. And it. When you're working with someone who's an addict, there's a lot of not feel good options. So I have four bullet points for dealing with worry. Four bullet points.

We'll take them. We'll take all your bullet points. We want them.

So the first one is worry is a thought behavior. It's something you are doing. It's not something that happens to you. It's something you're doing, but you can externalize it a little bit. Kind of like we said, like giving it a name. So like, hello, worry, nice to see you there. And catching yourself when you're worrying. And if you, if you find yourself worrying all the time, one of the ways you can kind of notice that you're worrying more, you set Insight timer on your phone. It's a free app or some other timer to go off throughout the day. And when that timer goes off, you check yourself. Am I getting lost in worry right now? Am I? Am I? Because worry is something we do kind of subconsciously and kind of become like.

A habit or just.

Absolutely. Yep. Worry becomes a habit, becomes these neural pathways in your brain that get deep and strong, and then you do it all the time. And that's generalized anxiety disorder, basically. So noticing that you're worrying, catching yourself doing it, and then giving it boundaries. So our brain loves boundaries. Relationships love boundaries. Everything loves boundaries. So you say to your worry, you do scheduled worry. This sounds crazy, but you, you plan in a time every day to worry for half an hour to an hour. Don't do it right before bed, don't do it first thing in the morning. I think lunch is a great time to worry. Or before dinner, something like that. Right? Is a great time. You plan it in and you say, I'm going to spend. Because worry serves a function. Let's go back one step. Worry is not some terrible thing that happens to you. Worry serves a function when you do it right. Worry is our brain's evolved way to look for upcoming threats and try to creatively come up with solutions to manage them.

Plan, make a plan.

So functional worries, great. Chronic worry all day, every day is not great. That's just like a little spiral of poop. So, so you give your, you give your worry some boundaries so you gain awareness around it. That's number one. Worries of thought. It's a behavior I'm engaging in and I want to catch myself doing it. Then you give a boundary, say, I'm going to worry at a very specific time every day. I'm going to plan 12:30 to 1:00 clock to worry. And it's best if you worry on paper again because our brain can run really, really fast and our emotional catch up runs a little bit slower. So if you, if you worry on paper, it makes it more concrete and it makes it, your brain can catch up and solve problems. So you worry on paper. So you write down this question. What if they don't get it under control? What if they relapse? Okay, so you write that down on paper. You say, what if they do relapse? And then you do number three, the locus of control, also known as the serenity prayer. You say, okay, if they do that, what are my options? What can I control? And you write down what you can control and you write that. What can't I control? So what you can't control is like, I will set boundaries. I won't let them see my kids, I won't give them money. Or I will tell them they have to go to treatment if they want to see my kids. Or I will tell them I want to check in with their therapist if they want to see my kids or something like that, right? You, you choose what's in my control and you make a list of it. You can make a million crazy ideas on that. What's in my control? I can, I can choose to throw eggs at them? Yes, you can, you can choose that. You'll, there are consequences to this. But you could choose that, right? You could just make this list and you circle the ones you think might be effective and you write down everything that's not in your control. And when it comes to boundaries in relationships, I find that really helpful because boundaries are kind of big and jumbly and confusing. And so by writing it down, you can gain more clarity about like, what of all of these options are helpful. Yeah, I could like stock their phone, I could put GPS trackers on their car. I could like, follow them to the bar. I could call all their friends and tell them to leave my son alone. Right. Like you could like.

I could call their sponsor and tell their sponsor that they were. I could call their accounts. Right?

Yeah, you can make a list of all the things you could do. Right. Ask yourself, which of these is going to help my long term goal of my loved one making forward progress in their journey, but also my long term goal of me being healthy and happy and safe.

I think that's so cool. Right. As you were saying that about the writing it down and then circling it, the thought that came to my mind is there's a phrase in recovery use a lot of, or I use a lot of, say your side of the street, their side of the street. And in my mind, I'm like circling the my side of the street ones. Okay, this is my side of the street. This is my side of the street. I was just sort of visualizing that as you were, as you were saying that this is their side of the street.

You can cross off their side of the street. Right?

Exactly.

Yeah. You write all like, I like really big pieces of paper for this. And I do this in therapy all the time. We just. People come into therapy and there's 50 things going wrong in their life. So we list them all. We just list all. And then we. What? Which of these can't you do anything about? Cross them off. Which of these can you do something about? Circle them. Okay, pick one.

Pick one.

And then put that in your phone. And that's what we're doing this week.

Okay.

But when you set those limits around it, all of a sudden you don't spend all your time in bed, laying in bed, not falling asleep because you're worrying about. Because you say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work that at 12:30. I'm gonna work on that at 12:30. And in the long run, over a course of a month, research shows that people worry less, they solve the problems better. And, and that's because instead of just going in circles in your head, in this nebulous worry. You're like, is there something I can do about it or not?

Right. And I'm guessing in the in between time, a lot of the things, a lot of it goes away by the time you get to your appointment. Because like, sometimes clients come to session and they'll say to me, I had 10 things, I can't even remember them now. I guess they're all fixed. So it. A lot of the worries will handle themselves and then the really important ones that are left. Now you have your appointment time and you can sort through them.

Yep. And it's okay to even write down your worries. So like, oh, I'm worrying in the middle of the night. Okay, I'm gonna put a note in my phone. I'm worried about this. And then I'm gonna set my phone away. Or like a post it note is probably better than having your phone in bed. And it trains your brain when to pick up and put down thoughts, you know, so that your brain's not choosing for you. Because our brains, our brain's purpose is not to make us happy. Our brain's purpose is to keep us alive. So from a brain's perspective, worrying all the time is great.

Right.

But it's not helpful or happy. Induces.

It's not pleasant. It's not. So, Emma, tell us how we can find. How they can find you and maybe even how they can find your course that you mentioned with that. So skill building. Because that sounded really helpful.

Yeah. So the easiest place to find me is on YouTube. If you search therapy in a nutshell, that is my YouTube channel. And you know, I have other places like Instagram. You can find me under that handle as well. The course with the 30 skills for motion processing. I've put the whole thing for free up on YouTube. So if you want to watch it with ads, it's on YouTube. If you want to take the course, the link's in the description to any of my YouTube videos, and you can go buy the course. And it comes with a workbook and no ads and some extra videos. So that's, that's how you can take that course.