5 Important Signs of Genuine Life Change

You've got somebody in your life, you're really hoping they make a change for the better. But you find yourself eternally frustrated because the problem just keeps happening over and over and over again. And it feels to you like they're never going to get it, they're never going to figure it out. They're going to keep making the same mistake a million times. But very often in a scenario like that, there are actual subtle and not so subtle signs that someone is not just trying to change, but will ultimately be successful with the positive changes they're trying to make in their life. You just have to know how to recognize them. That's what we're going to talk about in this video. And we're going to be talking about this as it applies to any kind of positive change, whether that's for a person who's overcoming an addiction or. Or in a bad relationship, or in a bad career, job or school situation. Any of those problems or habits or cycles that we find ourselves in over and over and over again that we're trying to break, they take a lot of effort to break out of. And it doesn't happen on the first try. And when we're trying to support someone through making a change, we get frustrated when it doesn't work the first time. Two or three that they say it's going to work. And so we decide that it means that they don't really mean it, or they're not really trying, or they're not really willing and that kind of thing, when that's actually not what it means. The fact that they've tried something and failed at it several times is actually one of the signs that someone is, number one, genuinely trying to change and probably will ultimately be successful at it. So some of the signs that you think are bad signs are actually good signs. And when you start to view the situation that way, it's a lot easier for you to stick with the change yourself if you're talking about yourself, or stick with and support someone who's going through something on their end. This one of the things that comes to mind specifically when you think about this is somebody in, like they about it like somebody in a bad relationship. Maybe you've got a best friend, your best friend, or your sister, your brother, somebody. They're in this toxic relationship. Maybe it's even abusive, maybe it's really bad and you want them to get out of it. They come to you, they talk to you, they tell you all these negative things about the person, all these bad things they did and you're like, you should leave. You should get out of that relationship. And they're like, I know. But they just keep going back. They don't get out of it, or they get out of it, but they only stay broke up a day or two, maybe a week, and they keep going back to the same old relationship. And then you start to feel hopeless and frustrated. But when it comes to these cycles that we're in, whether they're just habits, addictions, or bad cycles, you don't break them in one try. You don't get out of a bad relationship, usually in one try. It's going to take several times. First, because you probably when you're in one of these situations, you have ambivalence about it, which means you have feeling as fancy for. You have feelings on both sides of the situation. You sort of feel like this, and you sort of feel like this at the same time. So that ambivalence is part of the reason why it takes several attempts. And then also it's a learning process. And we're trying to do better. We're trying to shift something in our life. And this particularly applies when it comes to some kind of addiction or habit that you're trying to break. Maybe it's a spending habit or being on social media, too much habit, something like that. It. It's just. It's hard because it's hardwired into our brains. So some of it is we keep falling back into it, just out of autopilot. Some of it is that ambivalence. Some of it is a learning process. But what I really want you to understand is just because somebody keeps making the same mistake over and over again, it doesn't mean they're not trying to fix it. In fact, it means opposite that that it means they're trying to fix it. So when you hear someone come to you and complain about a situation, it can get frustrating. Especially if you feel like, oh my gosh, they're complaining about this so many times, they're never gonna. They're never gonna make a change. The complaining about the situation is them really processing with you out loud that something needs to change. Maybe it's, I need to get out of the job, the addiction, the relationship, whatever. Maybe it's, I need to change the way I'm interacting inside of that dynamic. But they're complaining to you about it and something needs to change. It's very obvious. It's easy to judge from the outside looking in about what someone needs to do, but it's not so easy to be that person. The reason you're. There's a, there's a reason why you're stuck and sorting through all of that, figuring it out, figuring out how to get out of it. It's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take several attempts. So when someone is coming and they're complaining to you, maybe they're complaining to you about the boyfriend or the girlfriend or the job or the teacher or whatever it is, don't let yourself get discouraged because that's actually a sign that they're thinking about changing. They're just processing out loud with you. When you get too invested in the idea that they're going to make this change, then eventually you get to compassion fatigue. You get frustrated. You're like, I'm tired of hearing you talk about this because you never do anything about it. And if you can stay out of that judgment place about that, then you can hang in there a lot longer. And this especially applies if this is conversation you're having with yourself about change. Because when we even look at ourselves making the same mistake over and over and over, it's easy for us to think, well, I guess I didn't really want to do that, or I guess I'm not even capable of doing that. And we start to develop all this negative self talk and that really gets in our way and it makes it that much harder to change and it makes it that much longer until we get there. And sometimes people actually will stop trying because we just convince ourselves that we're not capable and we don't understand that things take a while. Getting out of habitual, problematic cycles in relationships and jobs and friendships. It's not an easy thing to do. So when you hear someone complaining, that's a big sign. Someone's wanting to change and working on changing. And sometimes before we actually take those action steps to change, we're thinking about the change. And so when someone's complaining, that is a sign that they're thinking about change. Another big sign that hopefully if you follow these videos, you follow along, you've heard me talk about before. But a big sign of change is what we call change talk. That's kind of a clinical term, but it's not, it's not really that fancy. It's exactly what it sounds like. They will be talking to you about either a desire to change or a specific thing that they're thinking about changing or an action they're thinking about taking. When you hear change talk, this, this is the, the big giant warning sign of change. A Good warning sign. You know, again, indicator. Maybe I should call it an indicator. An indicator of change. You'll hear people say things like, yeah, I gotta get out of this situation. Yeah, I gotta do something different. Yeah, I need to research some options. I need to cut it back, I need to stop following it, falling into that same kind of relationship. I need to stop saying yes when I really want to say no. That's actual change talk. And now we're moving from just thinking about it to a next level of thinking about it. And it's, it's a person starts to actually at that point, they start to move into the next stage in that planning. So in addiction recovery, there's something called the stages of change. And that really helps you to understand the process that people go through when they're trying to change something in their life. It also helps you to see that it's not an overnight one time decision thing, it's a process of getting there. And there's a contemplation stage where people are thinking about changing. And the complaining about something, the identifying negative things about a situation or the actual change talk where they're talking to you about either wanting to change or that they should change or that they're going to change, those are huge indicators. That means someone is pretty close to action steps. So when you hear those change talk examples, now when it comes to addiction, you might hear things like, I need to cut it back. I'm sick of waking up feeling crappy all the time. I'm sick of fighting with my partner about this all the time. I'm tired of going to work and feeling horrible, hungover all the time. Tired of being broke all the time. Those are all what I would call change talk signals, indicators. Then next level would be when you hear people talking about, I'm going to cut it back, I'm going to have, I'm going to have a hard heart to heart talk with this person and they start talking about things that they're going to do. Now we're moving into the preparation. Like I'm getting a plan together about how I'm going to make the change. Now sometimes if you're on the outside trying to support someone going through change and you hear this, you may find that you get frustrated because maybe they're not saying they're going to do the thing that you want them to do, right? Maybe it's like you want them to break up with the person. But they're not talking about breaking up. They're talking about, I'm going to Have a talk with them. I'm going to set a boundary with them. And you might get frustrated because you might be thinking, no, you just need to get out of that relationship. Maybe someone's talking about cutting back their drinking and you're like, no, you just need to stop drinking altogether. I don't want you to allow yourself to get frustrated because those, those are sometimes what I call bargaining. And that's. I'm trying to make a change. I'm not ready to make the giant leap to totally jump off the cliff, but I'm willing to take a few steps in the right direction. The more tolerance you can have with people about things like that and giving them the room and not giving them the judgment and the criticism is going to actually help speed along someone's process. Then you might see actual behavior changes. This is even a bigger step in the right direction. Maybe they stop going to the same old places. Maybe they start looking for another job. Maybe they start looking for a counselor or going to a counselor, I should say. And so those are signs that not only is someone thinking about it, someone is actually working on it, actively working on it. That's called the active stage of change. And when you see that happening, even if it's not perfect, even if there's some trial and error, those are huge signs towards change. So I don't want you to minimize them because there is going to be a lot of trial and error. Trial and error, multiple failed attempts at something is a really good indicator that they're going to figure it out eventually. So don't let that get you down. Right? Like maybe your loved one says, I'm going to do dry January. And they didn't even make it the whole January. They made it three weeks. And then you're finding yourself get frustrated. The fact that they wanted to do dry January, told you they were going to do dry January and actually got three weeks. That's three ginormous indicators that someone is genuinely trying to change and that someone will ultimately be successful. I want you, if you're listening to this video, I want you to stop and think for a second about a cycle that you've been stuck in in the past or that you're stuck in right now. How many times has it taken you to try to change it? A lot. Or how many times did it take you in the past to get out of a bad situation or change a bad habit? It took you lots and lots and lots and lots of tries. So we give ourselves and the, and the people we care about the room and the encouragement and the support, and it's only going to help speed up the process. In order to do that, though, you've gotta keep your own expectations into alignment. That's what I'm talking to you about. This. Several times this week, I've had sessions with people, particularly family members, who. Who call our office or come to us for consultations and they want to tell us. And what happens is, you know, the. The person will talk to me or one of the other counselors and say, here's what's going on in the situation and how close are they to change? Well, a lot of times when I do these consultations, people are like, yeah, but they. They're still ordering drinks when we go out to dinner. Yeah, but they had a big bender the other night and. And they're telling it to me because they see it as a sign that this is never going to work. And they're frustrated. And I'm like, actually, the fact that that's happening. I'm getting excited about the fact that they ordered a drink at dinner and they only ordered one drink at dinner, and they didn't drink before dinner. That's actually a big sign of change. And a lot of times when I'm talking to someone and they're like, oh, I guess you're right. You can see their entire energy shift. They're there. It's like a load off their shoulders. It's like they just get lighter. Their face lights up, they lean in, and you can see almost like a level of excitement, and it's like hope comes back into the picture. You've got to look for those little steps and stop measuring it by they're all the way sober, or they're not, or they're all the way out of that relationship or they're not, and give credit for the little steps that are in the right direction. Not only does it help your loved one feel supported, it helps them make the change, but it builds credibility for you. When you can notice, hey, I noticed that you've cut back. I noticed that you've been having some better boundaries in that relationship you're in. I noticed that you asked for what you needed from your boss. That was impressive. You know, that probably took a lot of courage. Instead of only seeing success as complete 180. We don't usually do a complete 180. And when you hear situations where it looks like someone's done a complete 180, it's because you don't know about all the attempts and all the things that they did before that 180. And it looks to you like they just decided to do it. They just put their mind to it and they just did it. Like it just happened overnight. It didn't happen overnight. They probably thought about it for a long time. They probably tried and failed many times before they actually had that 180. It's like what they call like an overnight success is rarely overnight. It just looks like it because a lot of times when the big change actually happens, it's interesting because maybe they tried a hundred times before, but something about when clients tell me certain things, I know this is different. And it's hard for me to explain to you exactly how I know. But. But when they're saying things to me like, I'm sick and tired of this and you could just hear like, the conviction in their voice, or they start to. To say, to be able to verbalize why this is no good for them, why they don't like it anymore. They start to talk about the consequences and the price they're paying just openly and outwardly. And they're not. They're not trying. It's not like you say, well, this is bad for you because so and so. And they're like, yeah, you're right, but they're actually verbalizing this to you. These are signs that something real inside is changing. In just a minute, if you're watching live, we're going to take some live questions and comments. And if you are wondering a loved one, are they really going to change, this would be a good time. Those will be good questions asked. And you can say, hey, here. Here's what seems to be happening. Because sometimes I can spot change easier because I can see, like, little changes in thought processes, little changes in behaviors that maybe you see as bad signs. I sometimes see them as good signs. So if you've got a situation like that, go ahead and put that in the questions or in the comments on the side. If you're watching the replay, you can put it in the comments. I come back and read every single comment. And also I put, as always, there are resources in the description and I specifically put the link in there to download my examples of change talk. So I made a list of examples of things people say that are really good signs of change talk. And then I also put a link to download my guide to understanding your loved one's stage of change and what to do to be supportive in each stage of change. Because they need a little something different as they move through the different stages. So those links are there. It's totally free. Just click on download them, and that will help give you some more concrete examples that you can then apply to your situation. All right, Bri, do we have some good questions up there? Let's see what we got. Sarah says, how often do people have minor slips with addiction? My son was doing well for eight months, and then his ex upset him and he had two cans and a line. But after a few days of feeling terrible, he came back to help me gardening and feels awful about it. This is exactly what I would want to see in a. In a relapse situation, Sarah. Not. Not that I want to see someone have a lapse. Obviously, I don't. But someone that had eight months sober and then they had a quick lapse, and then immediately they're telling you how they're mad at themselves, how they feel awful about it, how they regret doing it. Those are massive, massive signs of change. And when you see that kind of thing or when that kind of thing happens to you, Sarah, or anybody else that's listening, what you want to do is damage control. It you want to actually help them feel more hopeful about the situation. What you don't want to do is say, start telling them what they did wrong or how they should have handled it different, or how they put themselves in a bad situation, or how it's like, here you go relapsing again, like, you're never gonna make it. Do not be negative about it. Because if they're already expressing to you that they feel bad about it, if you start to jump on to that and try to make them feel more negative about it, then they're going to get defensive, and then they're going to start saying the opposite of what you want them to say. They're going to start explaining themselves and rationalizing why it happened and that kind of thing. So what you want to do is in a situation like Sarah's, you want to say, hey, look, you had eight months sober. You. You had a bad day, you made some not great decisions, but you're immediately getting back on track, and you want to help them see their own small steps towards change, because that helps them feel more hopeful. A lot of times when someone's had a lapse, that's what I do. I'm like, yeah, but look, you came straight. You literally came straight in here, told me about it, and not only did you tell me, like, you told me, like, first thing out of your mouth. You didn't try to, like, wait. You didn't try to minimize it. You're like, I gotta tell you something. And you told it. And then they're like, yeah, I did. And it's like you're helping them see their action steps and they get even more positive and excited about it. Melissa says, my spouse has been sober for a week today, and this time he's gotten help. I'm not sure why I've been emotional any. Anyone know why shouldn't I be feeling better about this? I'm happy for him. What kind of emotional do you mean? Do you mean sad? Do you mean angry? What do you mean? What kind of emotion are you having about it? And it's possible, Melissa, that you're having mixed feelings about it. In fact, I would pretty much expect that you would have some mixed feelings about it. But the fact that your husband has been sober for a week and has actually reached out to get some support, those are huge action steps. Those are major signs. That's more than just thinking about it. That's more than just talking the talk. Like, these are things I'm putting in place. And the getting help part, especially after they've been sober a week, that's saying not only am I getting sober, but I want to make sure I stay sober. So that's amazing. Hearing stuff like that makes me super excited. Jen says, how do I keep believing it when I've been hearing change talk for years? He's going to do sober October, and that lasts a day. Dry January lasted two days. I've seen him dump all the booze years ago and also gets excited and then watch him go out the next day and buy more. So when I hear that kind of stuff, Jen, it tells me that someone probably is actually very serious about wanting to change, but something is standing in their way. Since you mentioned booze, I'm guessing that maybe it's alcohol. And given the fact that you're giving me several examples of the fact they lasted one day or two days, my guess is, is that there's a withdrawal issue happening. It doesn't sound to me like it's a desire problem. Like, it sounds like they want to change, but if they're not making it more than a day or two, then it could be that they're. That they need medical detox, something like that, especially when it comes to something like alcohol. So it doesn't mean they're not serious, especially they're pouring the booze out. I mean, that's a pretty massive step. It means they're definitely serious about it, but there's some kind of hurdle that they haven't either. Figured out that is stopping them. Because sometimes people don't even realize that that's why they're going back as the withdrawal or that they don't know how to overcome it. Maybe they know they need detox, but they don't have insurance. And so sometimes they need some help figuring out how to get over a roadblock or some skills or something like that. All right. Christine says, how can you be an agent for change if you're long distance and the alcoholic is cutting everyone out? I think you're saying, oh, except his son is full of anger. I can't get through anymore. I think. I think I remember this question from before. You can send positive thoughts and prayers. You can try to work with the sun, but if the person's not talking to you, you can, you can step back and. And wish them the best and, and that kind of thing, but you can't. You can't be the person in their ear if they won't talk to you. And as frustrating as that is, you always have to respect someone's boundaries. If someone says, I don't want to talk to you, don't call me, don't contact me, you have, you have to. You have to respect that. Phil says, I may have misheard you, but if someone relapses after day, that's the hardest time. So I wouldn't question their seriousness. If it happens, if that happens, that happened to me a thousand times. I think you probably. I think we're on the same page here, Phil. Yeah, that's what I'm saying is if someone relapses after a day, it doesn't necessarily mean they didn't really try. It could mean that, that there's a withdrawal, that there's other things that they need to change in their life that they haven't figured out. Maybe they're relapsing because they're. They're keeping themselves around the same people, the same places. Maybe it's withdrawal, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they didn't really try or that they didn't really mean it. It's a learning process. So I think we're on the same page. Feel. D says, my husband is waiting to go into treatment, but since then his drinking has increased dramatically. I would expect for that to happen. And I don't know. I don't know if he's waiting, like, maybe he's waiting for a bed or something like that for. For the place he's going to go. Maybe they don't have room yet. He's waiting for bed or something like that. Or maybe he's waiting to find a place. It. For those of you listening, when at all possible, you don't want to have somebody wait for treatment. When they say, yes, I'm going to go and they agree, you literally want to go straight there. Don't pass go, don't collect $200. You want to get them there as fast as possible. But sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes the place doesn't have a bed or you. Sometimes there's just some logistical things that have to cause someone to have to wait. Sometimes somebody. People are on a waiting list. But yes, it would be normal for them to drink very heavy before. Because almost anytime someone makes a decision to quit, especially if they're making a decision to go to rehab, they get this whole one last time. I might as well get it all in now because I'm gonna have to be on this good behavior. So it doesn't mean that they're not gonna do it or they're not gonna change necessarily, but it probably means they're like having this one last thing kind of situation going on. Koala said. Koala 99, says change talk for nine months, but no action. Started punching walls. Verbal and emotional abuse. So I kicked him out. How can I encourage him to take change steps when he is trying to survive? Homeless now? I get this kind of question a lot, Koala, because to me the question is, is how do I support someone even though I've kicked them out or even though I've broken up with them? And sometimes you can't do both things at once. Sometimes you can't set a healthy boundary for yourself and also be their support person. Sometimes you can support the person through helping the people around them, their other. Their other friends, their family members, you know, by helping them to support the person. But it's like a lot of times people feel like I need to get out of this relationship, but I still care about them and I want them to get better. And it's not always possible for you to have both things at once. So if you're still friends and you're still in conversation with them, then yeah, you can still use all of my same techniques that I teach to do active listening, encouragement, all that kind of stuff that we teach like in our invisible intervention. But if you're not, if you're not talking to them, you've set a boundary because they're abusive or something like that, and you don't want to talk to them, then you can't, you can't do both at once. P says hello. Do you see that alcoholic husbands are more likely to cheat on their spouses and not remember. They normally drink beer but started drinking liquor and they change completely on liquor. They are now been detoxed medically and they're in IOP and in personal therapy, but still drinking, but acknowledging they're alcoholic and need to stop. Okay, so there looks like there's several pieces to this question. The main question here is do I see that alcoholics are more likely to cheat on their spouse and not remember? I think when someone is struggling with an addiction and they're married, it does increase the chance of infidelity. I actually have a whole video on that. I made it a while back. It's been a few years back, but it's still out there on YouTube that talks about why. That is the not remembering it part. If they're alcoholic. A lot of times people that are alcoholic don't remember things that they did the night before because they could be in a blackout state. So yeah, I guess it would be more likely that they could cheat not remember it if they're addicted to alcohol. But. But the more likely to have an affair in general thing is the thing to focus on because what happens usually when one of the spouses has an addiction is that creates a big divide naturally in the relationship. And, and then a lot of times it becomes a power struggle between the two people. Both people are becoming more and more resentful. And then if you're not drinking with them or something like that, then they start drinking with buddies or hanging out in drinking situations that are high risk, you know, like bars and stuff like that. So there's about a million reasons why that someone that's addicted might be more likely to cheat on their spouse. And some drugs actually increase like your sex drive, so that increases chance. Not necessarily alcohol, but other ones do. So yes, they're more likely the not remember part. If it's alcohol, then I would say yes to that. Christine, how do I encourage conversation about AP recovery? What is AP mean? So I know that it is happening after they left home to recover. Hold on, let me read that again to make sure I understand. How do I encourage conversation about recovery so I know what is happening after they left home to recover. If you're still in conversation with the person, Christine, then if you're trying to have conversation because you're trying to kind of like fill out where they at in their thinking, then just come come to it from a curious standpoint, hey, you know, if they're going to meetings. What are those meetings like? What's it like? You know, has this been hard? Have you run into any hard situations? Has it been easier than you thought? And just come with a very sort of genuine interest, curious tone in your voice, not in a I'm trying to check up on you, make sure you're doing all the right things kind of thing, like, I'm just interested and, and just let them talk about their experience with what's happening. And then you're going to get a. A little window into their thinking, their attitude about what's happening. And that'll give you some clues about how well they're doing, how likely they are to stick, and stuff like that. Jody says, why do they cut family out? I mean, I'm sure there's a million reasons, Jody, but mostly they get resentful at family because they feel like the family's trying to control them. They feel like the family's trying to judge them. They feel like the family's trying to interfere with their ability to do their addiction. And all of those things are probably somewhat true. They also, they just build these giant resentments because there's always. When someone has an addiction, they have to have a villain. They have some kind of bad guy situation where they focus on that instead of focusing on their self. And so they'll. They'll make some other person the villain. Usually it's the person close to them, like their parent or their spouse, maybe their boss. But someone's going to be the villain and, and they may choose to think. A lot of times they think that their problem is that person, the bad guy, and not the addiction. So their change talk is, I'm going to cut you out. Because they see that that's their problem. My spouse is my problem. My parent is my problem, not the addiction. And so it's an attempt at fixing what they see as the problem. Crystal says, my husband and I have been separated but developed a healthy relationship that dissolved. He has his own rental. He returned to family, but still denies a drug use problem. Last night, he said he's been stressed about his financial issues and the shame he has of his kids, Thinking that he is a drug user who wasn't loyal in his marriage. I said sobriety would help him have clarity as it seems like things are unmanageable. He says he doesn't see the drug problem. Is this change talk? I told him I'm here for him if he wants to change but couldn't rescue him financially. What you're saying, Crystal Is the first thing. Some of what he's saying is a little bit like it looks like change talk. And that was in the first part there, Crystal, where you said he's ashamed that his children see him as a drug abuser and that kind of thing and someone that was disloyal. But I don't know for sure that's change shock. And the reason I say that in this situation, Crystal, is because you. I would have to sort of be there and hear it or maybe know something about the person to know the intent. Because it could be that they're trying to make you feel bad. Because a lot of times when people's kids get mad at them because of an addiction, they feel like the other spouse turned the kids against them. When most time that is not the case. But they almost always think, oh, you know, my son, my daughter, whatever. They're just upset with me because my wife's constantly telling them all these bad things about me. So it. That could be change talk or it could be a jab at you. I don't know. The other problem, the other part of the situation where you said he says he doesn't see the drug problem, that is the opposite of change talk is something that we call sustain talk. And it's. It's them talking about wanting to stay the same. That's why they call it sustained. So staying the same, keep it going. So I'm not sure if I would call that change talk. Not even the first part, which might have kind of looked like it, but it could have been like passive aggressive, disguised, not change talk. Tristy says my loved one tricks himself into one last time. I am too stressed Trap and ends up drinking after two or three weeks of sobriety. Happens since three or four months. And he says he is trying hard. A year ago, he was drinking heavily every day. And the consequences and empathy for me made him cut it back. Initially, he agreed he would get to. He would get two or three days a week and then two weeks and now it's 20 to 25 days. What do you think? I think he said in the right direction. Is there anything I can do to help him out? He's currently not in a recovery group and he's trying on his own, but it's not close. He's not, I think you're saying, not open to therapy or counseling. I think it means he's moving in the right direction. So what you're saying is at first he might get two or three days sober and then he would get a week or two Sober. And now he gets almost a month. So we're at a time. So he's learning, he's figuring it out, and he's getting better and better results. So to me, I would be pretty optimistic about that. The thing about going to counseling is this. And I was working with someone this week where this was an issue. And sometimes people will set a boundary around, well, if you don't go to counseling, I'm out of here. And I always encourage people against that. And same thing goes for, like, if you don't go to meetings or get a sponsor, I'm out of here. Because that's not really the result that you're looking for. The result you're looking for is change of behavior, which is for them to address the addiction. As long as they're addressing it and they're having success and things are moving in the right direction. If they're. I know it would make you feel better if they were seeing a counselor, but. But ultimately, a lot of people see a counselor never change at all. So make sure you focus on the end result. And I think you are seeing that tristy. So I see that as positive. Nicole says, if I set boundaries, no, I can't help with money, do I become the bad guy? Yes, you, we do become the bad guy. When you set a limit. And it's, it's. It's just like the question before that we had about how do I help someone when I've had. When we broke up, or I kick them out of the house. Sometimes, no matter what you do, when you set a boundary with someone, they're gonna build resentment and they're going to feel sorry for themselves and they're going to see you as the bad guy. Are you actually the bad guy? No, but. But you have to. You have to set those healthy boundaries. Now, I do think that there are some ways you can say it and present it that make you less likely to be a bad guy. But I don't know that there's a way to. To ensure that they don't blame you altogether. But, like, if you say something like, no, I'm not giving you money because I'm paying your rent for the past six months, or I'm always giving you money, or you're never going to get a job, or I'm not going to give you money because you're a drug addict and I'm not going to enable you, that will for sure land you in the bag. I roll. If you can set the boundary and not give them money, but say it with some humility and some empathy, then it makes you less likely to end up in the bad guy role. So a lot of times it's how you present it. Rachel says, my husband has been in a recovery center for six months. It's a year long program with high success rate. What are some change talk that I can look out for? Well, he's already changed, Right. What you want to look for, Rachel, is signs that he's going to stay changed. Right. So I feel like this is a next level and this is a good question. When you start hearing him talk about, I feel better. My relationships are better. Being excited about things. When you start hearing him talking positively about how his life is now, those are signs that someone likes their life so much better that they're, they're very, a lot more likely to stick with it because they're changing who they are as a person and they're feeling optimistic about what is happening and what's going to happen for them. And so that's, that's what I would be listening for in a situation like this. And I would, I would. When you hear something like that, I call it a seed and you want to water it. And sometimes you, sometimes with clients, I'll even point it out. I'm like, I'm like, I gotta tell you, you seem so much more happy. You seem like you have so much more energy. You are so more enthusiastic. You're handling your relationship problems so much better. You seem so much more resilient. So even if they're not saying it, I will sometimes point it out to them in a, in a really positive way. And that helps them see their own positive change. Late89 says, how do you communicate with an addicted loved one when they are in a constant state of denial and drink every day? They work themselves up with every day in any conversation. I don't, I don't understand the very last part of that late night, but I have several videos about how to get through to someone in denial. And there's an, in fact there's a whole playlist. If you go to my main channel page you can hit the playlist about dealing with denial. We have a, an online course that teaches you like if you want it step by step exactly what to say and when to say it and how to say it. You can look at our invisible intervention because I teach all of those skills in there. I teach all that on for free on YouTube. Actually the invisible intervention just puts it in a very laid out like map for you. But mostly the key to it is you want to have empathy and you want them to know you have empathy. And you do that by expressing empathy for them, understanding their point of view, but at the same time, you want to allow them to experience the natural consequences. Consequences. What most people do late night is they want to fix the problems that the person has in their life, like pay the bills or get them out of the DUI or, you know, get the teacher to give them another chance at taking the test or something like that. But then be mad at them. Inside the relationship, you want to do the opposite. You, when possible. It's not always possible. You heard me say it before. But when possible, you want to play the good guy, but you want to let the universe or life play the bad guy. That's the combination that gets people to change the fastest. It's a combination that gets people out of denial. All right, guys, we are out of time for today. As always, you are the best. Don't forget to get those downloads in the description. There's also the links if you want to have a consult. You want to talk to somebody about your situation, those links are down there. I know on the lives. It's like, you know, you only have room to give me a few sentences and so it's hard to really explain your situation and get the best answer. So the links if you want to talk to somebody about your situation, are in the description below. There's lots of free downloads, coaching, whatever you need, it's all down there. And I will see you guys next Thursday. We are live Every Thursday at 1. See you soon. Bye, everybody.