5 REALLY COMMON Family Recovery MISTAKES That Only Make Things Worse!

Alright guys, today we have, excuse me. Today we have five major mistakes that families make. They think they're helping their addicted loved ones, but they're really not. And sometimes these things are either making things worse or can backfire on the family member. And so I'm going to go over these with you and if you're watching this and you are in recovery, I'd love for you to tell me about your experience with this. Did you, your loved one do this or is there something that you would add to this list? And as always, if you're watching live, I'd love to chat with you and answer your questions. I'm not very good at going back and forth and remembering all the things I want to say. So if you have questions or comments, if you'll put them in the chat, then once I finish giving you those five big giant mistakes families make, then I'll come back and I'll answer your questions and we can talk together. If you're watching on the replay, then you can always leave me a question in the comment and I always try to come back and answer those the best that I can. All right, so major family mistakes. Ready for this? Number one. I see this all the time, like all the time. Forcing your loved one to go to recovery meetings. Usually that's like 12 step meetings like AA or NA. But that could also mean like Celebrate recovery or region or Smart Recovery or any of those other recovery programs that are out there. Let me tell you why it's not a good idea to force someone to go to meetings. Okay? Well, there's actually several reasons why it's not a good idea. But this is the most important reason why it's not a good idea to force someone to go to meetings. It's because when someone is forced to go into one of these kind of meetings, they go in with the wrong mindset and they think that they don't need to be there or they don't want to be there. And so what they do is they listen for and they scan the room and watch for ways that they're different. So usually that turns out to be some version of like, I'm not near as bad as those people. And it's almost like now you've taken five steps further backwards into denial or I'm way worse, worse than all of them and they can't understand me or I'm different or special somehow. So it's almost like instead of going into the meeting, listening for wow, you know, these people have had similar experiences. I've had and finding the commonalities. When you're forced and you're going in there with the wrong mindset and you're angry about it, then you're probably going in trying to figure out how you're different, why you don't belong. You're trying to disqualify yourself, if that makes any sense. And that to me, is probably the biggest reason not to force someone to go to meetings. Another one is the fact that if you force someone to go to meetings initially and they're not quite ready yet and they have a bad experience, like a really bad experience, then they'll probably never go back. And for a lot of people, maybe the first time they went or something like that, it didn't really take. But when they went back, eventually it did work. But they're not going to go back if they have a terrible experience when you send them in there, they're just gonna say, I tried that, it didn't work, and I hate it. And then now you've lost an important resource that could have been helpful to the person. Timing with those things is really, really right now. I encourage people to go to meetings all the time, but I do that in a way that's not this forceful way. I talk to them about different kinds of meetings and what to expect and pros and cons. And I encourage them to go out there and try a whole bunch of different things and come back and tell me what felt right for them. And a lot of times people will be open to going to meetings and participating when they feel like they have a choice. It just shifts the mindset for when you go to something like that. You can go in and take in what you like instead of looking for what just doesn't fit your situation. You know, like, I never pawned anything. I don't belong in here with them. They're like addicts, and I'm not nearly that bad or whatever. You just don't want that. Number two. And before I say number two, let me tell you this. A lot of times, for the lives I do every week, Thursday at 1 Eastern, I try to take inspiration from what I'm hearing, comments I'm getting on videos or sessions I'm having through the week or that are that Kim or Campbell or Scott are having. The Family Recovery Strategist. I try to listen for, like, themes. And this is something that I heard this week. I was talking to a young man. I don't know, he was probably like mid-20s or something. He was telling me that his family's mom was forcing him to go to church. And I see this a lot with teenagers. Again, this is very much like going to meetings. If you're forcing someone to do this, you're almost like negating the whole positive reason for doing it because they're going in and they're not absorbing it because they have this big giant shield wall thing up and they can't really take in what. What could be positive and support and helpful there. Number three thing that families do is they are constantly snooping. They're constantly going in to the person's pockets or their bank account or their room, and they're just looking for any evidence that they can find that the person is using. Now, the biggest reason why families do this is because they know it's happening. The loved one keeps telling them that it's not or that it's not happening near as much as they think. So you're not really looking for evidence that it's happening. You're looking for evidence to prove your own sanity. That's what's happening when you're doing that, it's like, no, I know I'm right. I know it's here. I know you were messed up yesterday. And so you don't. You start doing the whole investigation trying to find some kind of evidence, paraphernalia, receipts, the smell, whatever, like that. And here's the thing. If someone, if your loved one is struggling with addiction, you really don't have to search it out. It will show itself you. And plus, you're just stressing yourself out trying to do it. You need to take off your police investigator hat, your detective badge. You need to give it back. You don't need it, I'm telling you. Hey, Alan. Hey, Brenda. You don't need it because it's going to show itself. Even when I do drug screens in our office, I do screens, but I don't follow them into the bathroom. I don't watch them go. But I mean, there's some things I do. I have, like what's called, like, adulteration strips, and they sort of tell you if it's been tampered with or something like that. But here's the thing. Even if someone tries to cheat on a drug screen that they take from me, they're not going to be able to cheat if I'm doing that really consistently. So if I'm screening them pretty regularly, which I do, they may get by with one or two. But it's a lot of work to be using a whole bunch of drugs and alcohol and then every single week when you don't know when it's coming to be ready, and then pass those screens. And if you really have substance use disorder, your life is probably going to get unmanageable to the point that you can't do that consistently. And so it'll show itself or the behavior will show itself. And that's what I mean when I say you don't have to to chase it. And by not doing all that searching and investigating, you're taking yourself out of that bad guy role, which, as so many of you know, I think is supremely important. Hey, Melanie. And Deneen. And oh my goodness, I'm not. I'm gonna murder this name. Astradu. I know I did not say that right. And I apologize. And Sarah. Hey, welcome. Glad you're here with us now, along with snooping, this is kind of similar to that one. This one's number four is when you're trying to catch them in the act. So you know that they keep going into the garage to do it or they keep going out to their car or several of my sessions lately, it's usually a husband they have like this. Maybe it's like their man cave or their workshop or the spare barn or their friend's house. They have these places that they go to drink or use whatever it is they're doing. And so when you're constantly trying to catch them, think about what's going to happen when you do catch them. You're going to say, I knew it. You're drinking. And they're going to say, no, I'm not. Even though they're probably standing there holding it in their hand right that very minute. So all of this snooping you're doing, I'm just telling you, is not necessary. If your gut tells you things are sketchy and things aren't right, your gut's probably telling you the truth. That's my experience. So you back yourself into this corner when you're trying to find this evidence, because now you've sort of set the stage that tells your loved one that they. That it's your job to prove it. It's kind of like innocent until proven guilty. And now you've put it on your shoulders to have to constantly have all of this proof. One of our clients this week was telling me that her husband was saying, prove it, prove it. You know, you can't prove I've been drinking or whatever, so don't even set the stage up that you have to prove that. If you know it, you know it. Come on like you Know your loved one, you know, when they talk different, they breathe different and acting different and they're being weird and they're spending long times in places they shouldn't. It's pretty obvious now. You may have. It may have gone on for like a long time initially and you didn't know it was going on, but that's before it was on your radar. Once it's on your radar, it's different. You can't hardly even turn it off and not see it, honestly, because you get almost like a hair trigger for it. So stop with the snooping. And then another one. This number five that we see all the time, especially with young people that are struggling with addictions, is that their family wants to put a tracker on their phone or on their car. And so they're constantly watching everywhere that they go. Oh, another one. We'll give you number six. Here's a bonus because I just remind myself where they make all these like fake social media accounts and try to follow, like if it's their kid, they'll try to follow them and smile that way. You've got to let go of the spying and the controlling. That's what we're talking about here today. It doesn't work. It keeps you in the bad guy role and it keeps you watching all the messes. It's just gonna keep you stuck in that enabling behavior and resentment and being the bad cop, which I'm telling you, it's gonna do nothing but backfire on you, alright? And it just makes them that much more better at hiding it. Campbell says this all the time. Campbell says she's got these parents, they always have trackers on the kids. And she's like, those kids, they just go to the mall and leave their phone in a fake plant. She's like, there's a, there's a plan at the mall. It's got like 10, 10 phones in it. And the parents think they're in the mall or whatever, that's what she always says. Or they'll park their car somewhere, they'll say they're going to this place, they'll park their car there, but they're really somewhere else. You just, you just can't win when you're trying to control it or chase it externally. You win this war by. It's a change of heart. That's, that's required. Now. There are things you can do. I'm not telling you to throw your hands up there and do nothing. I'm telling you not to do these things because they're not Helpful. They're just going to make your loved one mad and they're going to drive you crazy. So just stop doing. I know it's hard, but it doesn't work. You're going to have to build a relationship with your loved one. If you want to this problem to get better, you're going to have to get in their heart. You're going to have to speak to their heart. And in order to do that, you got to build a bridge between you and them. And the more you're doing all this sneaking and controlling, there's no bridge going to be built. They don't care what you have to say. In fact, you say it and they just going to do it anyway, despite you because they're so mad at you. It's just not helpful. So please, please, please stop with the controlling and spying. I'm going to take a few comments and questions and see what you guys have to say about it. Let's see. Here we go. Hi, Claude. Thank you. Thanks for watching. Let's see what Melanie has to say. Melanie, my son's been in recovery for four months. He's starting to work, and I've noticed that he's not going to many meetings. How can I nudge him to continue with meetings? That's a really good question. And I like that you use the word nudge. I appreciate that, Melanie. It lets me know that you're listening. It's okay if you ask him if he's going to meetings, ask him. What I would say is, are the meetings helpful for you? So before you start pushing him to go, find out what he gets out of it, what he doesn't, which ones he likes to go to, is there something else that helps him more? So if you just build an alliance with him and find out what's helpful and what's not, if there's something that you can do to help, make sure he gets there, whatever. But you need to do it in some kind of aligning kind of way. Not in this like your probation officer, you know, you better be doing what you're supposed to sort of thing. Plus, you know, Campbell says this all the time. You can force someone to go to a meeting, you can make them go, but you can't make them get recovery. I say a lot, you can force compliance, but you can't force recovery. And so a lot of times when you try to force compliance, you block recovery. So don't do it. Deneen says, but I don't want drugs in my house. Okay, here's the thing. Deneen some of you may have heard me say this before. If you've got a loved one that you know is doing drugs and they're in your house, drugs are in your house. I see this all the time where families say, okay, but you better not be in my house. It's in your house. If you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic who's actively using, it's in your house because they, they're using so regularly and consistently like they need it near. So if they live, they're not going for these long periods of time. And even if they are not having it in your house, it's like literally in their car in the driveway or buried in the backyard or you know, under the mailbox, something where it's like this loophole around it. So if you, if you really, really, really don't want your house, I'm not saying you should let it. But then you can't have the active addiction person in your house because if you haven't somebody who's actively using and in house, it's going to be in your house. That's just all there is to it. Alright, new question. My relative has been in rehab and then she gets worse once she's out. She doesn't motivate to go to work or school. It's hard. We see this all the time. This is a really good comment or question here. You know, staying clean and sober inside of rehab is a whole different ballgame than staying sober outside of rehab. So sometimes if rehab can be skipped, I say skip it. It's not that it's not helpful, but you have to learn how to be clean and sober in the real world. And if you need the structure of the living environment of rehab, but you're having trouble, you know, doing things like work, school, that kind of stuff, sober then I think sober living is where it's at. So I would suggest looking into a good sober living program because it's kind of like being in rehab but you go to work and you go to school and you make your bed every day and you cook food. It's sort of get you back in the habit of being like a functional person in society while being sober. So I'm a big fan of sober living. Sarah says, can't wait to hear that. He's. I'm guilty of them all. I appreciate your honesty. You know what, I've done all these myself, lw. I snooped. But it was to get the alcohol the house poured out, the wine bottles of like bottles of Listerine down The drain, that's another tough one. If you find it, do you get rid of it if you've told your loved one, if I find I'm going to get rid of it, then just get rid of it because that's what you told them you're gonna do. But I wouldn't really go looking for it because you're going looking for it. You're finding your pouring out, and they're just going to get more to replace it. So you're just gonna get caught in this hamster wheel, basically. Hey, Jenna, thank you for watching. Julie. I'm so glad you're doing a video on this. I need it so badly. I don't have the first clue to what to do or. Not today. I'm afraid I'm gonna push him to continue. Hey, Julie, I do have a video came out a couple months ago called the do's and it's a really good broad overview. And that one might be helpful for you if you. If you want that. Let's see. Karen. I always thought I just had a terrific mother's instinct. Mother's instinct. I believe in it. I believe in it before the drug screen. Anything else you probably do, Karen. Julie, my husband's done it for the past year or so, and I had no clue until I found out when I went through his phone and got into the building that he kept under lock and key and found everything. It's circumstances like that, Julie, that really make you driven to do all this snooping and controlling. Because a lot of it is this how could I have been fooled? How can I have not seen it? And it hits your pride, it hits your ego, it threatens your own sense of self. But I'm telling you, if at all possible, try not to let that trigger you into. Because what you get, you get into this like, I'm gonna prove it mindset, which gets crazy making and it's just not helpful. Let's see. Karen says, I actually talked to my friend's son at one time when he was in high school, asked them to call me if they saw him drunk. Crazy. I have seen friends tell on their friends when they were really worried. But if. If that friend had told your son that you did that, oh, my goodness, I would not have wanted to be there for that. That would have been like an atom bomb of a fight. Oh, my gosh. Hey, Sarah. It's the mind and heart that must be reconnected. That's right, Sarah. You got it, Vicki. Vicki says, I realize that I'm trying harder to save My loved one than he is. It makes me sad. Now I'm standing back trying to save him. I need advice to keep my heart from breaking. Well, Vicki, I can tell that you're really listening and you really get it, because that's the key. You can try. You just can't try harder than they are trying. Because when you try harder than they're trying, it leads you to resentment and a bad place in your own heart. So they take a step. You take a step. Hey, J.F. hey, Melanie. See? Melanie says, hey, Amber. I will talk to him about the meetings that you suggested. All right, awesome. Melanie, let us know how it goes. Tell us if you got any backlash from that. Hopefully it goes a little smoother. Let's see here. LW says, I kicked my boyfriend out of the house. I think that's boyfriend told him. Unless he's reaching out for help, making sobriety a priority, or has a game plan, I won't be responding to his text or calls. I'm totally cool with ILW if you're really ready to hold that line, and if he's already out of the house, then what I would say is, if he says, okay, I'm gonna do it, I would make sure he takes some of those steps before you let him back in the house. Because saying, okay, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna call these places to go. These places is different than actually doing it. So if he's already out and you set that line in the sand, then make sure he takes some of those steps before you let him back in. Ivy, my daughter's been in rehab and sober living. She made herself. She made herself out. Now she's living with us and went back to her old friends. Evie, I don't know how old your daughter is. If she's a teenager, you don't really have much choice but to bring them back in your home. If they're 18 or older, I never, ever, ever recommend bringing them back home from rehab. I suggest looking for young women, sober living, any other option, because bringing them back home is just always a recipe for disaster. But like I said, I don't know how old your daughter is, and she may be so young that you don't have much choice because there's not really sober living for teenagers. So sometimes you get stuck and there's just not a lot of choice. Thanks, everybody, for hanging out with me. I will be here with you again next Thursday at 1. And as always, I'm putting a ton of resources for you in the description. If you're watching on YouTube. You can find those resources in the description. And I'll see you next time. All right. Bye, everybody.