5 Ways You Could Be Unknowingly Enabling Someone Else's Addiction!

If you've got a loved one struggling with an addiction and you've done any research or had any involvement in family recovery, you've probably heard of the three Cs. These three Cs come from Al Anon. And don't worry if you're not familiar with them. I'm going to tell you exactly what they are. The three Cs are, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This is meaning the family member didn't cause the addiction. You can't control the addiction, and you can't cure the addiction. Well, actually, I'd like to add a fourth C to this saying. And I would like to say that you can contribute to the problem. In fact, in this video, I'm going to tell you five ways that you might be contributing to your loved one's addiction. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get five steps ahead of it. Get your life and your family back on track and get back out there and live the life that you want to be living, not the one controlled by addiction. All right, let's get into our topic. Now, before I tell you these five ways how you can contribute to someone else's addiction, I want you to understand I'm not telling you that the addiction is your fault. In fact, these five behaviors that I'm about to explain are very likely being triggered because of the addiction. So I know that you are behaving this way and doing these things because the addiction is triggering you to behave this way. However, just like with an addiction, although it might not be your fault, it is your responsibility to get better. It's easy for us to think about our addicted loved one and to see how addiction really is the puppet master controlling all of their behaviors. But sometimes what we fail to see is that that addiction is not only controlling their behaviors like a puppet master, but it is controlling our behaviors like a puppet master. And all of these things help keep the addiction alive. Now, the good news is, if you can stop the addiction from controlling your behaviors, you're 50% there. In fact, I might even say more than 50% there. So let's take a look at what those five behaviors are. One of the biggest things that you're likely doing if you have an addicted loved one is you're likely to be constantly looking for the ev, trying to prove that what you know is true is true. Because in most situations, you know it's bad. You know they're drinking, you know they're using, you know they're sneaking, you know they're lying. But of course they're telling you they're not doing these things. And it's easy to allow ourselves to get wrapped up in this mission to prove it. And the more we try to prove it, and the more we turn into, I call it like the CSI moms and spouses and dads, the more we are fueling their addiction, the more we try to find it, the more they try to hide it. And that's not even the bad part, because not only do they try to hide it, but then they get mad at us, and it puts us in that bad guy role. We'll talk a little bit more about that as we go on. Now, the second behavior that we get caught up in, which really contributes to the problem, is that we're constantly trying to force them to see the problem. It is crazy maddening to be dealing with someone in denial. In fact, you have this odd sensation where you just want to take someone by the shoulders and shake some truth into them. It's like, how can you not see this? It is so obvious to everyone around you, why are you doing this? And when we feel that way, it's quite natural to rip the shade off of someone's denial, force them to see it, take them by the shoulders and shake them. But guess what? It doesn't work. And the more we try to force them to see it, the longer they are going to stay in denial. Now, there are ways to get people out of denial, but forcing someone out of denial is the least effective way. We actually teach these methods inside our online course called the Invisible Intervention. We'll show you how to actually get someone to see that there's a problem. And you're going to find out it is the opposite of what you've been doing. In fact, listen to this feedback I got just last week from someone who's in our invisible intervention. I think they've been in there maybe like three weeks. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's the amount of time. So for the people that are inside that course, I usually ask them every week or so, how are things going? And last week I got this piece of feedback. Ready? Here it goes. Last Friday, my husband had a major drinking event. In the past, I have responded with anger, which led to significant bad feelings between us. This time, I responded by using the invisible Intervention methods with things like compassion and empathy. In fact, I even thought about the situation differently. Instead of being really angry and upset, I actually felt a little bit of relief thinking to myself, maybe this is going to take us one step closer for him realizing he has this problem. The difference in my response was huge. He went right to bed, but then called me in to apologize and say how much he loved me and how I didn't deserve to be treated like this. And the next morning he said he was done drinking. This is the first time it seems like his decision to quit drinking is really his decision and he even took action by making some phone calls to deal with some medical issues he's been neglecting. Trying very hard to keep my mouth shut. Instead, I'm doling out hugs, kisses, having fun conversations and watching movies together and he's not even falling asleep. He's actually starting to initiate hugs and pleasant conversations. He actually seems happier. I think he's possibly feeling happiness toward himself instead of feeling shame and self loathing. I now know to ask questions instead of sharing my thoughts and opinions, which of course came across to him as me being a know it all. This is the best our relationship has been in a long time. And even though it's only been a week since he was drinking, I realize there may be more ups and downs, but I am truly feeling that there is hope and I don't feel adrift and helpless like I did before. Thank you so much. I feel now that I actually have some direction, as you can see, from that feedback from the person that's in our invisible intervention program just changing the way she responds to her husband, not trying to force him to see it, actually allows him to see it. Which guess what, that is really good news. Because if your behavior can contribute to addiction being worse, your behavior can contribute to things getting better in just exactly the ways we just described. Now, if you're interested in learning about the invisible intervention, I'll put a link in the description below. But in the meantime, let's move on to the number three way that our behavior can contribute, and probably does contribute to the other person's addiction. Not only are we constantly trying to prove that what we know is true, and we are trying to get them to see that they have a problem, but we're also trying to get them to see how their behavior is negatively impacting them, us and other people around around them. When we do this, we're only hitting their shame and guilt button, which is only going to make them more defensive and in their head all they do is think about how you're not fair, you're not mean, you don't understand. And they cling to the substance or the addiction even more because it's their only sense of relief. Now, the fourth way some people contribute to the problem that they don't even realize this is contributing is talking about it to other people in the family and other friends. Now, not every family member does this, but a lot of them do. And the reason why we do this is because we're seeking help and support. Support. And sometimes we're trying to get other people to realize what's going on and maybe step in and try to help the addicted person see the problem. But the problem is this makes the addictive person feel very angry, upset, shameful, defensive. And there's no faster way to get someone to shut down than telling other people their business. I'm telling you, this will make your loved one not just defensive, but flat out angry. And I've saved the most obvious one for last. Obviously, when our loved one is struggling with an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of behavioral addiction addiction, we get trapped in a cycle of fear, which can then cause us to enable them. We feel like we have to pay their bills or fix things or cover for them. And the final way that families can inadvertently contribute to someone else's addiction is because you're constantly living in fear, which may trigger you to enable that addiction. Like pay for things you don't want to pay for, or keep someone from losing their job or keep someone from failing out of school. We're so scared for these bad things to happen for our loved one. We kind of create this safety net trying to protect them. But oftentimes we're just protecting the addiction and not so much the person. Now, if you really want to be helpful to a loved one who has an addiction and you want to help them get it under control in productive ways, I want you to watch these videos next. It's all about how to effectively motivate someone to deal with their addiction and find their recovery.