6 Toxic Behaviors That Destroy Relationships

Today we're going to be talking about the six most toxic relationship destroying behaviors. And to do that, we're going to be delving into some of today's most current, most respected, well known relationship researchers work, John Gottman and Esther Perez. We're going to be looking at some of their work, some of their findings, what these behaviors are, why they show up and what to do instead. Hello everyone who is joining us live. And hello for those of you who are joining us on the replay. I have created a page where you guys can download the notes for today. Since you guys seem to be really liking that a lot. I've got all the notes written up for you. So you, that way you can feel free to just listen, absorb. And if you're driving and you're worried, you know, oh, I didn't get that. And what was that she said? Then you can actually download this. So I'm going to put the link in the description I'll put right here in the chat for you as well. That way you can go back to it and you don't have to feel so anxious and stop and all that kind of stuff. So the first thing we're going to look at is what John Gotman calls the Four Horsemen. And he calls them the Four Horsemen because these are the things that precede divorce. In fact, he says that he can predict divorce with a 94% accuracy rate based on these four behaviors. And for those of you who aren't familiar with John Gottman, let me tell you a little bit about how he, how he does his research. So he, he's been around a long time. He's been researching a long time. One of the things that he has done in the past is he, he would almost like take these couples and put them in an apartment or some sort that was wired up like with cameras. Now it's not sneaky, like they know it or whatever, but basically just tell them to act naturally. And they would sort of assess what was happening and keep track of what behaviors were happening and conversations and tracking and all that kind of stuff. And this is, this is where his research about these four horsemen come from because he's, he's literally watching couples in a, not in their natural environment, but in a natural environment. And not just like what people report, not just like in the counselor's office, but like real life, which is where you're going to see real life couples behavior. And I think that's what's so interesting about it because if you just had people like fill out a rapport or something like that. I don't think, I don't think you would get the same information because, um, sometimes we may not have the right word to describe something. Sometimes we may not have enough insight to know about what is going on, that kind of thing. So it's why I really like this because it comes from real life situations. It reminds me of. I took this, this was a couple years ago, I was like taking this like little online CE course of for something. And I think it was something to do with couples counseling or whatever. And they showed a video of this couple counselor session. Let me tell you what happened to couples counselor session. This was interesting. So the. It's like a brand new couple or whatever. And they, it's like their first appointment with the couples counselor and they bring this couple in, they put them in the counselor's office and they say, hey, you know, the counselors run in a few minutes behind. She'll, she'll be right in here. Make yourself comfortable, whatever. So they shut the door. And then what's really being happening is there's a, there's a video recording what happens in the room before the counselor comes in. And in this whole like in the one that I saw, it's like this whole. This couple fighting about whether or not they should go to her families and him disliking her family and, and all of this whole like back and forth sort of regular natural couples kind of argument. And then when the couples counselor come in, they would just like review the tape. But the couple didn't know that that was really part of the counseling. And that's what made it so helpful because it's like you're seeing it in real life, which I think is completely invaluable. So let's take a look at what these four horsemen are. The first one is criticism. No surprise, right? No one likes to be criticized. Now criticism is different than a complaint. A complaint is like a frustration about a single specific situation. Like, I don't know, you made up the bed wrong or something like that. Or you know, the bed doesn't look right or whatever. I don't know, it's like specific and it just translates into one thing. And complaints aren't great, right? But it's not personal. Like a criticism is. A criticism is sort of like a negative comment or communication that's an over generalization about the person. And it usually starts with you. And it usually has like a always or never kind of word in there. For example, you're always too busy to be with your Family, You're. You're always too lazy to get up and go with us on Sundays to church. It's these always, never over generalization kind of comments. It's. It's an attack on sort of who you are as a person. And typically these criticisms aren't, aren't really rational or reasonable or fair because rarely is something always or never. And what it does is it attacks the person's sense of self and naturally makes them not like themselves as much, but also just like you. Because who likes someone that's criticizing them? No one. Right. The next one is kind of like criticism, but in my mind it's sort of like a level up. You know, criticism is like irritation, fussiness, nagginess, complaint. This next one called contempt. That's like taking criticism up a level. This is where we get into like name calling. This is when we get into nastiness, throwing insults, like being mean. This one is flat out being mean. Like, you're dumb, you're stupid, you're arrogant, you're a narcissist, you're lazy, you're nothing but an addict. It. When we start throwing out the names and the mean comments purposefully, usually to hurt you. You can also show com. Contempt in your body language through things like an eye roll and a huff. Those are smaller displays of contempt, but, but there's a lot that's being communicated. This is like when you do that eye roll, it's like this disdain that's being communicated. And I, I'm kind of bad about the eye roll. I gotta admit, if there's one, there's one up here that, that I'm. That I'm not the greatest at. It's the eye roll. I'm guilty. Guilty is charged for the eye roll, but it is communicating something very deeply, very harshly about this other person. As I go through these, let me know which one of these is the hardest for you. I already confessed on my own self, like the contempt and the iroh. I don't usually say big nasty things, but sometimes I have like a thought and then you might conceit on my body language, that kind of thing. So where, where do you tend to fall into these? The next one is defensiveness. And defensiveness usually happens in like response to contempt or criticism. Defensiveness is, is where it's just like. And we talk about defensiveness on this channel a lot, so you guys probably know this, but it's basically like where a person refuses to take responsibility for something and oftentimes we'll even blame the other person. Or make excuses or minimize. So, for example, something like, well, I wouldn't need to drink if you weren't so naggy and critical and controlling all the time. So it's like, it's a way of putting it back on you. It's a. I'm going to refuse to take my part of something. Right. So criticism and contempt are kind of like throwing negativity out there. Defensiveness is a refusal to acknowledge any part of what you bring to a situation. And the last one, and. And this is the one that Gottman says is the most tied to the predictor for divorce is stonewalling. And stonewalling is what it sounds like. It's basically like when one or both people shut down, refuse to talk. Sometimes they even put a physical barrier between them and the other person. It's kind of like a walling up and a retreating within. I'm going to stonewall. And a lot of times the person that's doing this might feel like. Or rationalize or say out loud that. That they're just trying to avoid an argument or they're just trying to not be negative. They'll put a spin on it. Kind of like a defensiveness. Right? But. But stonewalling, it's a bit of a punishment to the other person. It was kind of like silent treatment. Y' all know what silent treatment is? Now, the person may not quite realize that that's exactly what they're doing, because stonewalling can. Can be almost like a. Like a reflex for some people, because it happens to people when they get really in that fight or flight response in their body, like all their anxiety chemicals are up, their adrenaline's up, all that kind of stuff. They get into that fight or flight place. It's like a shutting down. And there's a slightly good piece about this and then a not so great piece. Yes, it is helpful when there's an argument happening or things are getting tense to take space and not open your mouth and say everything you're thinking, everything you're thinking does not need to be said. And for those of you who like to throw out the well, it's the truth. Well, you shouldn't be using the truth as a weapon. And just because it's the truth does not mean that you need to throw it in someone's face or say it in a mean way. You cannot hide behind the. It's the truth. That's the defensiveness happening when you're doing that. So just because it's true doesn't mean anybody said and it Surely doesn't need to be said and weaponized. So you don't always need to say everything. Thank gosh, thank the goodness. People can't see everything. I think, you know, and it doesn't need to be said. Relationships require tactical. And so you do need some time and space to kind of like calm down, think through rationally how you want to respond to something or how you really feel about something. What do you want to say? That kind of thing. So you can ask to take time. Hey, you know, let's take, let's take 30 minutes. Let's talk about that after dinner. Can we talk about that in the morning? This important topic, I really need to get my thoughts together on it. Something like that. But there, but there's a, a communication that we are going to come back to this not. I'm just shutting down on you and just closing off and refusing to talk. Because that's not really. Oh, I was trying not to get an argument that's like a shutting down, which isn't very productive for a couple and can for the other person on the other side of the stonewalling feel like they're being punished. Like, like a silent treatment. When you, when you look at like research on children and stuff, one of the worst, most terrible punishments that parents do to kids is they do this love withdrawal. It's kind of like, I'm so mad at you, I won't talk to you, I won't acknowledge you. I'm giving you the silent treatment. That kind of thing that's very, very damaging to someone. That, that all kind of thing. So when you're stonewalling, that's a little bit of what's happening there. So learning the difference between taking space and stonewalling is two different things. Now these next two are not from Gotman necessarily. These next two I added in and they're, they're in every relationship, but they're particularly in addictive relationships. So they're in all relationships, but they're even more in addictive relationships. And since most of you guys come here to learn about addiction recovery, I thought I would throw them in there. So the next relationship destroying behavior is dishonesty. And that dishonesty includes things like infidelity and things like secret keeping. And a lot of times people will, you know, this is this honesty thing. You know, I didn't tell you a lie. But they omit very important parts of truth. When you have a piece of information that your partner does not have and you know that they want to have it and that Maybe they need to have it and you are purposefully not communicating it. That's dishonesty. That's deception. That counts in this category. Because a lot of people say, well, I didn't tell any lies, but you didn't tell the whole story either, and it was purposeful deception. So if it's purposeful deception and you know deep down in your heart of hearts what you're doing, then it counts. Because trust is the very foundation of a good and healthy relationship. And you can tell yourself, well, I just was trying to avoid argument or I just didn't want to hurt their feelings. But honestly, those are like rationalizations. Those are defensiveness statements. There are. When there are things that you are keeping a secret from your partner, what that does is it disrupts the power dynamic in the relationship. So it takes it where it moves it. From us being partners here, pretty equal, you know, being a team to when one person knows all these things over here that the other person doesn't know. There's an imbalance in power. And when there's that imbalance in power, that breaks the trust. Because this other person down here feels like, I can't trust you to have my back. I don't trust that you have my best interest at heart. You're not looking out for me. I can't count on you. Whether that's infidelity, drug use, financial infidelity, other kind of secret keeping, it's basically like withholding. And like I said, it disrupts the power dynamic and creates big old giant problems. And the next one that I added in is. Is what I would call controlling behaviors. No one likes to be controlled. We all have a need for connection, and we all have a need for freedom and independence. Now, some of us lean heavier on one or the other, but we both need both. And when we feel overly controlled, overly smothered, it doesn't tend to go well. We tend to act out. It's when we start to push another person away because that's a basic human need, that independence, freedom, control kind of thing, along with the connection. Now the can. The control thing can be kind of complicated because a lot of times when people have issues with control, it's. It's. A lot of times it's because of an anxiety issue, a fear issue. So they're trying to control their external environment to make sure that these whatever bad things that they're worried about don't happen. That could be bad things to them, that could be bad things to their loved one. But in their mind, it's about safety and security. And so they're trying to control, like where you go, like if your kids go to college, like who they're around, all that kind of stuff. But nonetheless, it's control. And sometimes people that tend to have the controlling type behaviors convince themselves that it's okay because they say, well, it's for their own good, or I'm looking out for them, or I have the best of intentions, you know, I'm not doing this from a selfish place, I'm doing this because I love them or whatever. But it's still just a rationalization because what's really happening is it's you trying to control your anxiety about something. Now, in couples relationships, that can come out, of course, as jealousy, insecurity, who you can talk to, who you can be around, how long you can be gone without me, where you can go without me. And it's perfectly okay to have some agreed upon, discussed sort of rules for the relationship. Not like a contract, not like you're the boss of someone else, but, you know, what are the parameters where we both feel safe in the relationship? You know, for example, am I cool with it if you are best friends with your ex? Or is that an out of bounds thing? That's what I mean when I say we gotta have like these parameters. But when one person has a big fear of being hurt, being cheated on, a lot of times it's because that comes from somewhere in the past. And it doesn't even have to be in the past for the current relationship. It could be in the past from their childhood. It could be in the past from an old boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse or something like that. But you're bringing that insecurity into the relationship and you're trying to manage your own fear by controlling the other person, by having all these either rules for the other person or more covertly trying to sort of manipulate the other person, make them feel guilty or have some kind of crisis so they can't go somewhere. Those kind of things, those are still controlling behaviors. They're just not quite as obvious as, as what you might think of as controlling behaviors. So those are my six sort of big daddy toxic relationship destroying behaviors. Are there any you would add to the list? Now, Esther, Esther Perel says that the three biggest things that people fight over in couples partnership relationships are trust, recognition and control. So it may look like we're fighting about the bills, it may look like we're fighting about the kids and parenting. That kind of thing may look like we're fighting about where we're which family's house we're going to go to at Christmas? You know, all these little arguments and these little fights they have, all the take on all these different, like, sort of topics. But what's it really about? I always say it's never about the trash people, never about. It's never about the thing that the argument's about. It goes deeper. And I think it's very helpful if you can stop and ask yourself, what is this argument really about? Is it about. Is it about trust? And trust is, am I safe with you? Trust is, can I rely on you to have my back? Are you looking out for me? Are you. Are we in this as a team together? And I can rely on you? That is what trust is about. So are the arguments about trust? Recognition is. It's more than just like, recognition, like, you got an award at work. But it's. It's affection, it's kindness, it's kind words, it's appreciation. So it's like, do you recognize me as a person? Do you give time and attention and appreciation to your partner and to that other person? That's what I mean when I say recognition. And then there's the control, which we talked a little bit about just a second ago. And so couples fight about how much time they spend together. That's about control. That's about the balance between the need for connection and the need for independence. For example, if you have, like, a couple and you got an introvert and an extrovert, you know, you've got that balance of being with other people and being alone. It's. It's a similar kind of thing. Do we always. Do we. Do we always eat at the place that one of the partners says they want to? You know, it's that. It's that balancing out thing of control. Those are the central themes behind most couples arguments. Which of these things do you guys relate to the most? For those of you are live, I'm going to take your questions and comments. For those of you who are watching on the replay, feel free to put them in the comments below. I read every single comment that comes in on this channel, and I try to answer as many as I can. So let me know. Let me know how these show up in your life. Let's take a look here. I want to say hello to our people who are joining us. Hey, Vicki from South Dakota and Mike from Orlando and Sharon from Australia and Debbie from Ohio and Don from India. I like when y' all put where you're from because it's just so interesting to think about. All over the world, we have people. And Jess and Debbie from Baltimore. Marilyn's here from Seattle, Washington. Let's see. Tiffany from California. And just cap. Let's see. Let's see if you guys have a question or something you want me to respond to. Put the word question in front, like, in caps, or put a bunch of question marks. It just helps draw my eye to it. And go ahead and put them up there, because every time I hit end, like, four more questions pop through because there is a little bit of a delay. RH says, how do I know if the craft method is working? We put up here so you can see it. It's been so hard for me to get my heart right and have boundaries and empathy and have the natural consequences occur, but that's what I've been doing. Well, I can tell you that you're understanding the craft method just from your statement, R.H. because. And the reason I say that is because you say, get my heart right. Because it really deeper than just keeping your mouth shut and saying positive things for positive reinforcement, which is at the very basic. If you looked at it, that's what it kind of boils down to. But it's more than that. It's about getting your heart right, getting yourself in the right place. I think the first sign that the craft method is working is the relationship seems better. There's less conflict. There's a lot more getting along, a lot less. Of all these 4, 5, 6 horsemen we just talked about, that's a good sign that the craft method is working. A lot of people think, well, they're still drinking. I'm doing the craft method, or they're still using or still whatever the addiction behavior. Doing the craft method doesn't make someone else stop their addiction. What it does is it helps them to see what's happening much more clearly. And so later on in the craft method, another sign that it's working is you start to hear change talk. It might not be the big change talk you want to hear, like, oh, my gosh, I'm the biggest drug addict ever, and I'm going to go to 90 days of treatment. I'm gonna go to meeting every day for the rest of my life. That's change shock. That's big. That's big talk, actually. But it may not be like that, but it. But it looks like a little bit more subtle, like, I really need to cut back, or, man, I really overdid it last night or something like that. You start here, little rumbles. And what happens is they're letting you see tiny little glimpse inside their head of they know is not great and they're thinking about changing. Those are other big signs of the craft method working. And then if you keep watching it and you get further into the stages and signs of change, which we have other videos about, like preparation, contemplation, all that, you'll start to notice those signs as well. But the first thing is the relationship improves. Emily says she eye rolls and huffs. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Emily, thank you not leaving me out there on the ledge by myself. Sharon says, why would my addict throw in my face on Facebook? You can't have kids. Haha. When he knows we tried for 10 years to have a baby and I wanted to have a baby. Why would an addict say such hurtful things? That is revenge behavior. That, that's a behavior designed specifically to be hurtful. Because he probably knows that's like the most hurtful thing you could say. Because when you partner with someone, you know how to hurt them. And so it's like throwing the ace card sucker punch at you. So it's a, it's a revenge behavior. And revenge behaviors usually come when you feel like you've been wronged in some way. It's like I'm getting back at you behavior. It's a purposeful hurt. I mean we, we hurt each other in relationships, but this is like a deep, deep like stab wound in the heart on purpose. Right. Is to sort of go with that sensitive area and just do do something like that. So I would say that's a purposeful revenge behavior. I'm not saying it's warranted or fair, but in the other person's mind, they feel like you wronged them somehow and they're just trying to hurt you is my guess. Hey Victoria. Hey Aunt Linka. Thank you for your kind words. Let's see here. Veggie animal lover says my husband just blamed me for his drinking since I'm going through perimenopause and I'm not the person that he married. Of course I have to remind him that I didn't marry an alcohol. Hey, you made me laugh, Veggie animal lover. Because right when I read that last statement I thought, oh yeah, I'm guilty of that one too. The sarcasm. Guilty as charged. My son was, we were watching TV last night and he was talking to me. He's like, what do I get after you? You know, like what, what's like me? That's like you and what's like me. That's like dad. And we were like talking about things and he said, sarcasm. I get sarcasm like you. And I said, I guess you did. So it kind of reminded me of so, so this is like him blaming you and that's a defensive maneuver. Right. But then you're sort of throwing that back on him. You throw in a little defensiveness, move back and we kind of have to learn how to de escalate them when that happens. I'm not saying it's fair. I'm not saying that he's not out of bounds by doing that or even that he's right. He's definitely not right. But if you want to neutralize it, you're going to have to meet it with something other than a sarcastic comment back. Guilty over here. So I'm not throwing you on the bus. I'm right there with you. All right. Jennifer says she eye rolls. Thank you guys. Question please. Linka says my partner, heavy ADHD and many medications is addicted to heavy liquor. Point like a half whatever bottle a day. He is lying a lot manipulative and I am scared in the evenings. Moved out. How to help distance. I'm gonna need you. I don't completely understand the question because it says because you're saying you moved out. Is it like the person is blowing up your phone, they're saying nasty things. What, what kind of distancing are you needing help with like emotionally? What are we talking about? Give me. I just, I need a little bit more there. Toria says my boyfriend's here for lunch and he's finally listening. Hello, Matt. He's been clean for almost two years. Impressive, Matt, man. 20 gold stars. Two years. That's great. Glad you're here. Sharon says my addict would say I'm controlling when he couldn't drive my car and when using drugs he couldn't see if he got in an accident and insurance wouldn't pay it, it's his fault. On drugs, that that's a defensiveness move. Right? That's a him making it your fault. And, and when it comes to control, yes. Controlling behaviors and in a relationship as far as like insecurity, where you can go, all that kind of stuff, those are not healthy behaviors. But sometimes when a person is very out of control, someone has to take the control. And in my mind that's what you're doing here. You're not necessarily trying to control them, but you are trying to protect yourself liability wise and other people on the road. So I feel like that's a little different. And I feel like he knows that he's just throwing that on you unless you do other things are controlling. But this one example is just a defensiveness. Jesse Cat says, my addict does all these things. I found a local Narnon meeting, and it's been a lifesaver. Fantastic. Jessica, which one of these do you tend to fall into? If you were going to fall into a bad habit of a behavior, relationship behavior, which one of these would it be? Question from CCV says, my husband is in early recovery. He's been doing well in the soberlink for two months. Let me just shout it out to soberlink. Y' all know I'm a fan of Soberlink. Soberlink sponsors his channel. Big fan. If you don't know what that is, it's an alcohol monitoring device and system that automatically sends a person a message that says, hey, you need to take a test. They take a test. It just creates great accountability. If y' all want to know more about soberlink, you let me know. I'll tell you all about it. But he doesn't want to talk about the impact of the alcohol on the marriage or how recovery is going. Normal or stonewalling? Both. He answers both. Is it normal? Yes, it's. It's a normal. I mean, who wants to talk about the bad crap they've done? No one. So is it a normal response not to want to talk about it? Yes, normal. Is it stonewalling? I don't think it's stonewalling in the. Like, I'm giving you the silent treatment. I think it's. I'm scared to talk about it most of the time when this happens, it's like I'm scared if we go down this road, it's going to get bad. It pains me to think about all these difficult things. I'm afraid we're going to get into argument. I'm afraid it's going to remind you of every bad thing I did, and then that's not going to be good. So it's an avoidance behavior, more than. Than a. Than necessarily a stonewalling. But if you want to heal a relationship after a trust fracture, the most effective, most helpful, most healing thing you can do is acknowledge what you did and not only say, yeah, I did it, because a lot of people say, yeah, I admitted it. I said it. I said I was alcoholic or whatever, but it meant how that hurt the other person. Own it, take ownership. If. If you want to heal a relationship, that is the fastest, best way to do it. But it is normal and natural. Not to want to talk about your bad things. So somewhere in the middle. Hey, Apollo, thank you for your kind words. Here's a question. Most of these habits exist in addiction. Does it mean we are headed for divorce? I don't want to. I love. I know he will figure it out at some point. And I'm doing all that you teach. Yes. All of these behaviors can exist in any kind of relationship. So whether there's an addiction there or not, when you see these behaviors over and over and over again and it doesn't get better and it's not being addressed and all that kind of stuff, it is a. It is a negative predictor. Now, addiction puts the gasoline on all the kinds of a relationship problem, problems. So I'm not saying it's the cause of every problem, but it definitely escalates all the problems. And so the good news is, if a person gets sober and in recovery, most of the time, a lot of the behaviors take care of themselves just by the being sober part. So it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to divorce, but these are not good indicators. So these are things you want to address. And you probably get further if you were going to address something by talking about these things rather than talking about the addiction. People are more open. You know, they hate it when they. A lot of times I hear my clients say all they ever want to talk about is my drinking, my whatever. Every. They. They blame every single thing on that, and they get so upset. But if you'll. If you'll talk more about these relationship things and both sides and say, hey, I know I tend to do this. Take your ownership, then you might even can work through these things even if the addiction is still there and get that relationship to be improved. Let's see here. Star says, I'm the money manager in the family. Husband has zero interest in this job. He has access to all accounts. He gets pissy that he has a personal budget, that he's retired. He gets 3 to $400 a month. It all goes to his drinking. Let me see. Is there more to that? Star? Is there a question there? I think there's probably more, but I don't see it. Star, What do we fight about? Question. Definitely trust. I'm not sure if it's addiction is the cause, but unfortunately my partner lies, manipulates, huge jealousy. It's very hard. Yes. And last week, Last week's live video was all about trust. And we talked about how trust gets broken on both sides and how to repair and restore that trust. Let's see Here Michael says I destroyed the most beautiful relationship with my now ex fiance with trust issues. I am to meet her Sunday for lunch and I hope I can explain it, that it wasn't about probably, I think you, I think there's a word left out. I think you're saying it wasn't about them, the person, but more about my past experiences. Yeah, I think that would help, but you have to do it in a very sincere way. It can't come across like, oh, it was me, not you. You know, it has to be. You know, you're probably going to have to go into a little bit of detail about that, but it probably, it would be very, very helpful for you to own that and for you to say, hey, this is not something you did, you know, and not put that blame on them. That, that goes a long way towards healing. Question. My 16 year old told after 6 months he smoked weed again because he saw how sad. How do I help him understand that it's not good for him? Hold on, I gotta read this again. My 16 year old told after 6 months he smoked weed again. So you have a 16 year old who had been sober but had a relapse and he told it six months later he was. Because he was sad. How do I help him understand it's not good for him? You have to dig that out of him. It's not something I'll tell you what not to do, Raquel. Don't send them articles about how weed is bad for you. Don't send them pictures of lungs. Don't send them research and evidence and PowerPoints. And that's just going to annoy him, irritate them, and you're going to get the eye roll and the contempt is going to come. So don't do that. There are aspects of it that he doesn't like. So one of the ways that you might could pull that out, one of my secret maneuvers, as you could say, what is it that it does for you that you think is helpful? And you let them say, and then you say, are there any parts of it that you don't like? Because usually there is. And then you get them to say that, and then as they're telling you that, ask a few more questions about that. And it's kind of cultivating that part of him that already knows if you combine that with allowing the natural consequences, like don't fix his messes, he'll see it faster. All right, Jessica says, does it sound reasonable to ask my person to answer some questions about why they disappear with a Free pass, of course, in exchange for clean slate moving forward. I'm thinking about this one. Hold on, give me a second. Is this a real question or do you already know the answer to the question? Because my first thought is, is you probably know why they disappear. They're disappearing because they're on a bender or something. Or are you really like, not sure? Are you like, if you're really not sure, you might want to give a multiple choice question because the person is definitely not going to want to talk about it, especially if they're disappear. Right? Because there, it's an avoidance thing. So, so you want to say, hey, is it because you know you're going to go on a bender and you just want to be left alone? Is it because something's happening in the relationship? Is it because you're seeing someone else? So if you're going to ask it, I might ask it multiple choice. And as always, I know you've heard me say this. Just say it casual, say it quick, get in and out of the conversation if you want to. If you're going to ask it, Mike says recognition alcoholic wife I think is what that stands for. Has recently last six weeks. No program started. Sobriety with a few slips. Not dry drunk though. Falling back to bargaining. Why would she completely stop all affection and intimacy? Okay, so let me break this into pieces, Mike. So what you're saying is for the last six weeks she's been trying really hard in recovery and it's not been perfect. She's had some slips, but she's really working on it. I think that's what you're saying. But recently she's fallen back to bargaining. Why would she completely stop affection and intimacy? And when you start feeling that wall come up, that's relapse warning sign central. And it either means they're already using or they're going to be very quickly or they have a plan to already and, and they. It's a way of sort of shutting out the guilt. I think now there could be a 50 more pieces to your story that I'm not getting from these two sentences. So based on these two sentences, if I have to give a guess, that's my guess. I can feel it even in session with people. It's like I talk to them every week. We have all these great conversations. We get along. You know, I'm. I'm tracking all their storylines and then they come in and they're just sort of like closed one week. It's like for no reason. They're just like, good. Yeah, yeah. I'm great. Nothing really going on. Like you can feel the shutdown, you can feel the withdrawal. That almost always means relapse. One of the signs, it's either done happened or it's about to. And you represent that part of them that knows they need to do something different so they start pushing you away. Guilty. Some people actually, and some clients even will do more than just sort of start backing up. They'll start a fight. I've had clients that come in literally trying to pick a fight with me. And it's a way of like alleviating that guilt. Let's see, barely says my alcoholic is that mother in law. And I just had a huge blow up fight at a family get together. I yelled and called her drunk. Where do I go from here? We've never addressed it or argued like that before. Well, it sounds like the first place if you're trying to like mend the fence and you, it sounds like what you're saying is how do we sort of make up from the fight? And then. But also, I don't really want to say I didn't mean it because I really do think she's an alcoholic. And what you're saying is how do I make it up? But maybe communicate that I'm concerned about the problem. I think, I think barely you can say, I really wish I wouldn't have said that. That was, that was mean and hurtful. And if I could take that back, I would. I think you can say I regret saying something without saying I didn't really mean it. Because even if you do believe that's true, the way you're saying it here makes me think you, you said it as, like it's that truth as a weapon thing. You, you weaponized it is what you're saying. And because you were upset and that's what people do when they're upset. And this isn't all on you, I'm just saying for your side or whatever. So I would just start by saying that and seeing where the relationship goes. But before you can talk to someone effectively about their substance abuse problem, you have to have a relationship. So you have to restore that relationship. If you're hoping to work with her on the substance problem, you don't have to be the one that does that, by the way. You can just set your boundaries and let her figure it out. I'm just saying if that's what you want to do. Let's see here. Kelly says, any advice on how to navigate an addict who has a family full of generational Trauma and are all in denial when as the spouse and the only one trying to put forth an effort, resources for my husband. Excuse me, Sorry, I had a little cough there. You're basically, you basically are sort of in this one on your own because what you're saying is you, there's not other family members that you can rely on to, to help you deal with this issue. So hopefully, I mean, obviously they're not being helpful to you. Hopefully they're not sabotaging you because there's the sort of. They're so non functional, they're just not helpful. And then there's this. They're so non functional, like they're literally sabotaging me. Like they're literally like advising him to do bad things or whatever or make bad decisions. Looks like maybe there's a little bit more to that question. Let's hit. That he wants effort and resources to my husband that he wants. Family always intervenes. Okay, so when you say family always intervenes, makes me think that they're sort of counterproductive, Kelly, that you're saying that they're, they're sabotagers. You, you, you can't control all of those people. And what's going to have to happen is your, your loved one, I don't know if it's your spouse or who is going to have to realize that their family is problematic. Oops, cough. Excuse me. But that is possible that they could realize that because you're saying resources that they want, which makes me think that they are having change talk. That they realize that there's a problem, but that their family comes in. Eventually they're going to realize like, you got to think of them like using buddies. You can't, you can't make them stay away from the using buddies. But eventually your loved one is going to realize, hey, this is toxic. And I'm never going to get sober if I keep this person around or if I keep listening to them, even if it is family. How do I talk to my husband about how he feels? He tends to dismiss my ideas and. Okay, hold on. How do I talk to my husband about how he tends to dismiss my ideas and feelings without him getting defensive? Okay, I like this question. You don't talk to him about how he tends to dismiss your feelings. You'll get further if you either ask for what you want instead or if you, if he does, like listen to you or validate your feelings anyway, then pay big attention to that and positive reinforcement. So, so instead of sending a. Because that's. He's not Wanting to hear. Because he's hearing that as a criticism, which is what it is. You're dismissing my feelings and ideas. And he probably doesn't dismiss all your feelings and ideas. He probably just dismisses your feelings. Certain ones that he doesn't like to deal with or certain feelings that have to do with negative things about himself. So. So go at it in a positive direction. Say, I like it when. Or, that was so helpful. Or, man, I've really felt connected to you. That was great. I appreciate that. So you're going at it from a positive way or just saying, hey, you know, can you. Whatever. Can you listen to me for five minutes and, you know, not be defensive or something? You can ask for it that way, but you're going to do better if you'll. If you'll just sort of like, take it from the positive point of view, Because that could easily fall into the criticism. You never listen to me. You always. Whatever, you know, that could. That could get dangerous in there. Married a long time, says, how do I stay motivated to keep going when all he does is sit in the chair and watches me do everything while he does nothing? I find that I lose my motivation and have to get out of the house. Is it. Are you saying, like. I mean, I don't think getting out of the house is necessarily a bad thing, but I'm not exactly sure how you mean it. In my mind you're saying that, and I. I think you mean, like, go out and do your own thing. You know, go see a movie, go to Target, go out to eat, whatever. I don't know. And I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. And if you feel like you're doing everything and they're just sitting in the chair, you're probably just stewing and building resentments. So I don't know anything about this relationship. Could you ask him for what you need so I know what won't work is to say you never help. You're lazy. I do all the work. Don't say that. But say, hey, it would be really helpful if you could X, Y, or Z, whatever that helpful thing is, pick the kids up after school, fold that laundry, whatever it is. So try that way and then see where you go from there. That may not fix everything, but that's where I would start. All right, everybody, we are running out of time. As always, I put more resources for you in the description. Don't forget, I put the link to get all of these notes so you can remember all these things, what they mean, and why they happen and all that kind of stuff. And you could maybe even like, start a folder on your phone or your. Or your laptop or wherever you watch these videos and keep the, keep the notes in there. We'll have like a whole workbook before we're done with all this. Thanks, everybody. I appreciate it. I will link up a video up here next of more about trust building. And I will see you next Thursday, 1:00pM Eastern.