7 Clear Signs You Need to Set Stronger Boundaries ☢️

It's real easy to see when other people don't have good boundaries. It's a little bit more difficult to see when we don't have good boundaries. In fact, if you feel like you're surrounded by other people who don't have good boundaries, chances are it's you that's not holding the boundaries for yourself. And it can just be a little tricky to figure out who's doing what. So in this video, I'm going to cover for you the signs that. These are the clear signs that you may be having some boundary issues. Maybe you need to have stronger boundaries, maybe you need to have fewer boundaries. And we're going to go through them now. When I initially came up with this video idea, I said seven of them, but then I started making a list of them and they were more than seven. So you're going to get some bonus ones in here. You know, when you get going and you just keep thinking of more and more, that's exactly what happened. So these are. When we go through these, I want you to think not about the other people in your life, but about yourself. So as we go through these, think to yourself, do I do that? Or you know, you could even put it on a scale. Maybe do it sometimes, but not very often because a lot of these aren't necessarily black and white. And then another question you can ask yourself is, do I have this boundary issue across the board or do I have this boundary issue with a certain someone or just a couple of people in my life? Because that could also be an indicator that would require a little self reflection. Before I forget, I do want to tell you guys that I made a new Healthy Communication family quiz totally free. I put the link in the description. If you want to take that quiz, it actually scores you on things like active listening, boundaries, trust, empathy, effective confrontation, what conflict resolution skills. I couldn't think of the right word. And it kind of puts it in categories so you can see how you score in each of those categories. The link's in the description. And I'll remind you guys again at the end. Just wanted to throw that out there. Afraid I would forget. All right, so the number one sign and giant big indicator red flag that you may not be having the best boundaries is that you feel resentful. Because typically we usually feel resentful when we feel like we're over functioning or we're doing more than our fair share of things, or we feel like we're being guilted into doing something. We feel like we don't have the option to say no. Those kinds of things build up in us over time. And it's an indicator not that other people are crossing our boundaries, but that we're not holding good healthy boundaries for ourself. So there are other indicators, but I think resentment, if you feel it brewing, is probably the number one sign and symptom. It probably means you're over functioning in some area or you're rescuing other people in a way that you don't want to. And a lot of times the way this starts out is in the beginning you do it because you want to do it and because you want to be helpful. But then it feels like it keeps happening and then you get compassion fatigue. And whereas you might have been okay with it the first time or two on time 129, you're, you're kind of done with it. And somewhere along the way you probably should have set a healthier boundary. But you, you got stuck because you figured, how am I going to set it now? Because I've already. You almost feel like standard or you've sort of set the rules of the game and now you're changing them. And it's real difficult to sort of untrain a dynamic and like a work sit or a relationship situation or with family and. But sometimes it is necessary to go back and reassess those boundaries. And even if you've done it a hundred times before, even if you were okay with it before, but now maybe something's changed in your life and now you're not okay with it or it doesn't work for you, it is okay to go and change the boundary. It's okay to change your mind, it's okay to say no even if you said yes a hundred times before. Another sign that you might be having a boundary problem is you find yourself being very irritated with other people in your life. And this one is similar to the resentment, but, but also a little bit different. I think that irritation can come in because we feel like this isn't even someone asking us to do something, but we feel like we almost have to step in, in and we'll talk a little bit more about this later, but almost like if we see a problem, we feel like we have to fix it, even if another person hasn't even asked us to do that. And so we can start to become super irritable with the people around us or another reason that causes this is because maybe we're wanting someone else to help with something, to participate in something, to do something for us. But we're not asking Ladies, I'm going to generalize here and say we're really good at this one and I'm including myself in that. You know, it's, it's kind of like in our mind, it's like we feel like other people should just know what we need. And the reason is, is because you're going to be particularly prone to this if you're pretty good at knowing what other people need. So when other people don't just immediately jump in there to help out or to take care of something that needs to be done, you're going to find yourself getting irritated. And possibly if that goes on for a long enough time, you're going to be resentful about it. Because we feel like it's personal, right? We feel like, well, someone's being lazy or someone doesn't care or someone's taking advantage of me. When you're having those thoughts, those are giant, giant indicators that there's something wrong in the boundary department. Here's another one. It's kind of the opposite of the one I just said. Other people in your life are irritated with you because you're over committed. Like for example, maybe your spouse is irritated because you say yes to everything. Or you're on the church committee for this, you're on the volunteer thing for that, you're on this team, that team. You're the PTA president and your spouse is just super irritated. And then you feel irritated back at them because you feel like they're not helping enough. When a lot of times it's because we've over committed ourselves. And so that's another one that can result in other people being irritated with us and then also us being irritated because we've over committed. And then we feel like super stressed out and we feel like the other people in our life should step in there and help out because we've over committed ourselves and we've agreed to do too many things. So for example, like let's say you, you have a, you have a boss who keeps asking you to work on Saturdays or fill in for a co worker who calls out all the time and you keep filling in and you know, your family's probably fine with that. They understand that happens sometimes. But after it goes on, you know, for the 10th weekend in a row, and then your family, maybe your spouse or your kids or whoever, you know, your friends, they get irritated with you and then it becomes this bad relationship dynamic where you feel like they don't understand and they feel like you're not setting healthy boundaries for yourself. And that because you're not setting healthy boundaries for yourself, that impacts their lives. I hear this a lot from clients I see when they're talking about their parent or their spouse. And it comes from a lack of boundaries all the way around and stretching themselves too thin. And then you know what happens to that person that stretches themselves too thin? Then they get resentful and angry and irritated. And then it's, it's affecting all the dynamics, even the dynamics of the relationships with people you have that aren't really directly involved with the boundary issue. Another one is when you find that you feel overly guilty for saying no. If you struggle with this, put a little hand emoji in the chat or the comments if you feel like you feel overly guilty for saying no. I definitely struggle with this. Even if it's not face to face. No, a lot of times because the videos I get, you know, I get asked, do a lot of different things and, and that's, I'm flattered on one hand. But then on the other hand I'm also, I don't want to get into that over committed situation because not only does it negatively impact me, but my family, my workmates, and all the people around me. But I feel super guilty for saying no. Right? Because I feel flattered for being asked, flatter for being given the opportunity. But you feel like you're letting someone down. And the crazy thing about it is when I am not able to participate in something or help in a certain way, nine times out of 10 people are totally fine with it. Like, I totally understand. I knew it was a long shot, thought I'd ask. And then I usually worry myself about it for days before, before I say no, I'll just like, I'll just stew on it. I'll just feel frustrated and then eventually I'll say it and it's not even that big a deal. And I'm like, why did I give myself such a hard time about that? So I, I definitely am guilty of the feeling guilty for saying no thing. And there's gonna be a couple more in here that I'm guilty of and I'm gon to them as we go along. I see all your hands in there. I love it. I feel less alone when I see all those hands. You don't. Here's the next one you don't accept when other people ask you to stop or back off. And I see this most commonly with people who feel like they want to talk about something. Usually it's during an argument or someone's upset about something and they feel like they want to talk about it right now, and the other person is trying to set a boundary, saying, you know, I think we're getting too upset, let's talk about later, or I'm not okay with talking about that, or I don't want to address that or whatever. And because it. There feels like an urgency inside of us. No, we got to talk about it. We got to get it on the table. We got to finish this argument. You can get, especially when you're upset, when you're so upset and you're not thinking super clear, you can become really pushy. If you're the kind of person, you'll know you're kind of this kind of person. If you tend to do the thing where you follow other people around, right? It's like an argument or discussion. The first trying to go to another room, the person tries to get in the car, the person tries to leave, and you're literally following them. If you find that you're doing that, not only is that like a little warning sign, that's a big giant, like, alarm should be going off in your head. And I see this in couples who get into arguments pretty frequently. I see this between parents and kids. You know, you see kids who pester. You know, it's somewhere along the way they learned that if I just ask a million times and I just whine and I beg or just say, can I please, please, please, please, please, please you like a million times. That's another example of not backing off when someone is asking you to back off, or not accepting no when someone is saying no to you. So you can see it in young people, you can see it in adults. But. But a lot of times I feel like maybe that starts somewhere in childhood. You know, that somewhere gets either reinforced that if I just keep at something, I'm going to get my way, or someone gets so emotionally reactive, they're just so worked up, or maybe they've really, like, ruminated on whatever this thing is that's bothering them. It's like they just can't seem to let it go. If you are a follower of pesterer an ask a million times person, that is a major boundary issue on your end. No matter how much you feel like it needs to be talked about, no matter how much you feel like you're in the right, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you feel like it's unfair, if other people are sort of setting a boundary, they're saying no, they're saying, I don't talk about they're leaving the room and you're continuing to push. It's a boundary issue. Here's another one. People, and more than one people's accuse you of being controlling. That's another little warning sign that there might be some boundary issues in there. Now, I know a lot of you watching this video are watching because there's addiction in the family. And I always talk on this channel about how the dynamic between the addictive person and their primary family member is the addictive person is always going to tell you you're controlling. Okay? So I'm going to give you one, I'm gonna give you that freebie right there. But if you have other people who tell you to your face or describe you behind your back and they refer to you as controlling, like other people feel like you're controlling, then you may need to look at that. And you, you might miss it because in your mind you're just looking out for them. Maybe you're even being helpful. You're just trying to make sure that they, that this person that you love gets what they want. But you know, you're doing it in such a way that overrides this other person's autonomy, even their autonomy, their autonomy to make a bad choice. You see this with parents and children, even parents and adult children, you see this brothers and sisters, right? And a lot of times people miss it because they think that they're being helpful or they think that they're trying to warn you of something bad. Let's say you're, let's say your best friend is dating some guy and you think he's a creep ball or whatever. And so you're, you're telling your friend, I think this is a bad idea. Right? Okay. If you're their friend, you should tell them once, maybe even twice. But when you start trying to push further than that, then you might be moving over into the controlling department. Even if you're right, it's still a boundary crossing issue. And it's really hard when we care about each other. We don't really realize that we're boundary crossing because we don't, we don't feel an evil intent when we do it. Most of the time it really is a positive or genuine or kind intent, but it still can be a boundary crossing issue. Here's another one. If you find that you often make passive aggressive comments. Now this can be hard because sometimes you get in the habit of doing this and you don't even realize that you're doing it. But like, if you do the thing where you make like a snarky comment under your breath or you just have like a quick snarky sarcastic comeback. Now, I'm not opposed to sarcasm because I feel like I'm pretty sarcastic, but. But you guys know what I'm talking about. It's sort of like when you're holding this resentment towards somebody but you're not really telling them. And it's usually because you're not setting a boundary with them and then you're just making these little snarky comments and digs. Sometimes I call that like the drive by knifing and other people feel that animosity coming from you. And the boundary issue that's going on there is that you're not addressing something directly and it's usually a limit for yourself that you're not keeping. And so you're putting in these little digs. Right? It can also happen through controlling behavior. It's like someone's told you to back off and so you've officially backed off. But you throw in these little smarty little one liner comments here and there and everywhere. And that is probably one of the least effective skills to use passive aggressive. Because if you're aggressive, you usually get your needs met, but you run over other people in the process. If you're passive, other people get their needs met, but you don't. If you're passive aggressive, you don't get your knees met and neither does anyone else. It's sort of like the worst of both world. So you gotta, you gotta watch out for that. I find that a lot of people don't even know that they're doing it. And I'll even call out clients about it. They'll say something, I'll say, oh, that was kind of passive aggressive. And they're like, really? I'm like, yeah, dude, that was super passive aggressive. It's usually not necessarily something they're saying towards me. It's like something they're telling me that they said to someone else in their life or even a comment they're making to me, but about someone else. And it just happens to quickly. It can become almost like a bad habit really. Here's another one. You feel like you're obligated to fix other people's problems. And this happens. Especially if you're a particularly empathetic person and you're kind and you're caring and you're nurturing. It's almost like your radar for what other people's needs are hired and you feel like you automatically just have to Jump in there and fix it. If someone is uncomfortable, if someone is suffering, if. If someone just has a difficulty in their life, you. You feel an automatic need to jump in there and. And do whatever you can do to make it right. But sometimes, or a lot of times, not all the time, but a lot of times when we do that, we are interfering in someone else's process. Another thing I talk about on this channel a lot is that you. Sometimes people have to get kind of uncomfortable to figure out things in their life to make important changes. And if you're always going in and rescuing it and fixing it, then you're not allowing a person to grow or to feel good about their own accomplishments. Right? So we got to be careful. We feel like we're being helpful, but sometimes it's not really helpful. Sometimes it's intrusive. Another one is you set limits, but then you don't stick to them. Those of you who do this, this one's pretty obvious. Most. Most of us who do this, we know this. We get mad at ourselves. But what we think to ourselves is, they're not following the rules. We may not use the word rules, we use the word boundaries in our head, but really, they're rules. We're gonna. We're gonna talk a little bit more about this one, so we'll come back to it. But you're setting these limits and then not following through with them. It's important to remember, with boundaries, the limits are always about you. So it's not like this other person gets this punishment or this rule or this consequence if they do or don't do something. It's what you will and won't do. The limits are always with yourself, not with the other person. So you're saying, like, for example, if you say to someone, you can't talk to me like that. And someone's screaming and yelling and cursing and talking to you. Nasty. You feel like they're crossing your boundary because you told them, you can't talk to me like that. Guess what? You're crossing your boundary because it's your job to hold that limit. And that. That's a hard one. Because you're like, well, I've told them not to. Like, how am I going to make them stop? You leave the situation, period. You don't tell them what they're doing wrong. You don't explain your side of the point of view. You don't try to reason with them and ration with them. You get yourself out of the situation. You can't sit there and keep Blaming this other person for boundary crossing. Here's a little guilty confession for you. Now, a lot of y' all know I like to watch true crime. That's already out there. It's not a secret. My newest guilty pleasure TV show to watch. And this is just pure 100 trash TV. But I don't know why. It's almost addictive. But I've been watching Bradzillas lately. Have you guys watched Bridezillas? If you haven't and you just want some trash tv, watch some Bridezillas. In fact, I guarantee you, if you're watching this video and think you got bad boundary, watch Bridezillas, you'll feel a million times better. You'll feel like you're the boundary queen or king when you watch Bridezillas. Have you guys seen it? If you've seen that, put the little bride emoji in there. These brides are freaking crazy. I mean, lunatic. And I'm always thinking, how do the people around them put up with this? And. And almost every Brzilla show, they're like, I'm not going to let you be in my wedding. And then it's like, somehow that's like a threat. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to be in your wedding, period. Like, I'm out. Like. And it's just always amazing to me what the people around these people put up with. And what it says to me is the, this is not just a bride problem. It might get worse when you're in the marriage zone because it's stressful, but you can tell these boundary issues have always been there. And these people you see in the show with them, you can tell they've been enabling this horrific, awful, immature behavior forever. Now when you watch these Bridezillas, you can tell that they feel like they're just taking up for themselves or they're just trying to get what they're owed or they deserve or what they want. But they are doing it in such a very, very aggressive way, passive aggressive way, a forceful way, a downright mean, nasty, ugly, and juvenile way, to be honest. So if you want some good trash TV and you want to feel better about yourself and your boundaries, you watch some Bridezillas because I promise you, you. You're not that bad. Okay? And then I try to ask myself, when I watch it, is this just fake? But when I watch it, I can. I feel like there's a couple of things where they kind of maybe set the stage to create a little conflict, but you can See, the emotions are super real. Like, I'm like, nope, this person's just that crazy, right? You can just feel it and see it. So, like, nope, that's. That's how they are. All right, so another one. Another sign or symptom that you are not having good boundaries, and I'm guilty of this one. Is that you have a tendency to lecture or nag. I'm not terrible at this one, especially for a mom, as a mom, but I have a thing about my son brushing his teeth. I don't know why. I'm literally not strict about most anything else. I've stopped being. I'm not strict about bedtime. I'm not strict about checking his homework. I'm not strict about what he eats. But I have this weird thing. I'm like, have you brushed your teeth? And I feel like sometimes that's, like, all I say to him. Have you brushed your teeth? And it's. It's a little bit of a joke between the two of us. And I keep telling myself I'm just going to quit because, like, dude, he's 13 years old. If I haven't told him to brush teeth every morning, every night by then, then what the heck, you know what I mean? He's good. He'll take a shower. He does his Yoda. He does every other hygiene thing. But I have to tell him to brush his teeth. And he's got braces. That's another thing that makes me feel like that's one of those justifications that I tell myself, well, I have to tell him that, right? And I keep promising myself I'm gonna stop doing that, but I keep doing it. It is definitely my one nag. I'm sure I have more than that. But that's. That's like, my main one is the teeth brushing thing. I think some of it comes from the fact that I didn't have dental care as a kid. And so when I was adult, I had to get all of my teeth fixed and have adult braces and go through all that craziness. And I just feel like, you know, if he doesn't. If he doesn't shower, whatever, he's dirty. It doesn't mess up something forever. But when you don't take your teeth, it's kind of for everything. So those are my excuses. But nonetheless, I shouldn't be doing it because it's nagging. I mean, what am I gonna do when he's 19, call him up and say, brush his teeth? Probably. All right. Another one is that you can't accept it when other people don't agree with you. Mostly because you think you're right. You think that you're in the right. You think that you know what's right. And if someone else doesn't agree with your way, then you just keep on and on and on and on trying to convince them because you feel very much in the right. Here's the thing. It doesn't matter if you're in the right or not, if you're refusing to back off and you just keep at someone, keep trying to convince them and convince them and convince them and bringing up the topic over and over and over because they just don't agree with you. That's definitely, definitely a boundary issue. Another one, and I, I'm guilty of, I'm guilty of doing this. This next one a little bit is you help people even when they tell you they don't need help. I'll tell you why I'm bad about this one. I have this weird thing like if I'm coming home, let's say I'm coming home from work and I'm going to stop and pick up something to eat. And so I may, I'll call my husband, I'll say, hey, I'm on my, you know, it's like 8:30 at night. I'm not gonna cook, I'm gonna pick up something. Do you want something? And then he's just like, nah, I just, I already ate a sandwich or something. I have this weird thing where I feel like super terrible if I like come home and I buy me food at night. My husband or my son food. So I do it anyway and then it goes to waste because they told me they didn't want it. And then I'm thinking, well dang, I wasted all that money and you didn't even eat it and I paid for it for you. Guess whose boundary issue that is. My boundary issue. That's another one that I do. I keep trying to tell myself I'd do better. Occasionally I don't, but. And then when I don't bring it home, I still feel super guilty. Isn't that crazy? It's ridiculous. I don't even know where that comes from. Anybody else out there have that? I don't know. And then this next one is a little bit similar to the number 11, the one before the last one, which is you confuse not listening with not agreeing. So you've had a conversation with someone usually more than once, usually more than five times, honestly. And you just keep saying you're not listening to Me, you're not understanding me. You're not listening to me. But they are listening to you. They just don't agree with you. We have to learn the difference between not listening and not agreeing. And what's happening is we. We sometimes have a very hard time accepting that someone doesn't agree with us. You know, you. You see this especially when people have, like, super strong opinions about something. Maybe it's political, maybe it's. It's whatever. And they just keep on and on and on trying to convince and, like, have their facts and maybe they have their PowerPoint, they get out or whatever. Maybe they, like, have references and witnesses. Who knows? And so we just keep saying, you're not listening, you're not listening and you're not looking at the evidence, whatever. But you got to understand the difference in not listening and not agreeing. So a lot of times we just keep saying, you're not listening, you're not listening. And we feel like they're doing us wrong. But really, in that situation, we are the boundary crossers because we just can't let it go. I think that you guys are probably beginning to see that a lot of times these boundary issues happen not because we're evil, but a lot of times it's because in our heart we're trying to do the best thing for other people. And we don't quite realize that we're boundary crossers, but we are. It's like myself, like, with the brushing on teeth with the sun. It's like myself with the, you know, do you want something to eat? To my husband, it's like. And it's us being a boundary crosser. So even if it comes from a good place, we have to realize that sometimes it's not helpful, sometimes it's intrusive, and we got to get honest with ourselves. Which of these do you have the biggest trouble with? I confessed. I know I'm not the only one out there. You guys let me know which of these and. Or do you have an example that I didn't name up here? Like I said, I. I thought I was. I initially had seven, and then I kept writing these out and I ended up with 13. I think I could have kept going, but I was like, good gosh, 13. That's like a lot. So I finally just put a boundary myself and reigned it in. But I'd love to hear from you if you've got some that you know of either that you tend to do or someone in your life tends to. If you're going to tell us that don't tell us their name, because that would be a boundary issue. Don't call them out, but just put what the boundary issue is. You don't even have to call anybody out about it. All right, in just a second, we are going to move to the part of our live video where we take comments and questions and we interact. Bre is looking through the questions now, and she's about to put them up here. Before we do that, let me give you a word advice. A lot of you are going to ask boundary questions, which I appreciate, because this is about boundaries, and those are the ones that Brie's going to pick. But the. The more specific you are, and I don't mean like you need to write a big, long thing, but the more specific you are, the better answer I'm going to be able to give you. So, for example, if you say, how do I set boundaries with an addicted loved one? He keeps just breaking them all the time. What would be more helpful is if you tell me specific, specifically what is the boundary issue you're trying to set, and then I can address it with you, and you'll feel like you got a better answer. I mean, you'll feel like it was more effective and helpful. So think through that as you're putting those up there. And as you do that, I will remind you, as always, there are more resources in the description. Don't forget, that quiz link is down there for you to take. And not only does that measure boundaries, but it also measures your listening, your empathy, some other things, other pieces that come into family communication. So that link's in there for you guys to take a look at it. And then, as always, there's other stuff. If you want to work with myself or one of our team, it's all down there for you guys to take a look at and figure out what resources you need. All right, Bri, let's have those boundary questions. Amber says, can you address how to handle boundaries that are agreed upon by family members? But the addicted loved one refuses to comply to the boundaries and is in complete denial of reality. Okay. The addicted loved one even sets the boundaries for himself, but then breaks them and completely denies it's happening. Now, Amber, I bet you are not the only one out there who. Who has this issue right here that you're putting up there. So this is a really good question. It would be most helpful if you'll tell me exactly what you're talking about. Like, because my guess is, is you're thinking of a specific thing, a specific issue that Keeps happening, happening. So if you're still watching Amber, if you pop that up there, we'll. We'll try to watch out for that. And I'll give you a better answer. But my guess is, is that what's happening here is not a boundary. It's a rule. And maybe even it's a rule that he keeps setting for himself. And that's why you keep saying he's not following the boundaries. And so what's happening there is. Is some kind of agreed upon rule. And a rule is different than a boundary. Amber says my loved one agrees to not using again or he'll leave the home, but he continues to use again and just denies using the drugs to stay on in his system when he's not using. But it's clear he is. All right, see, this is super helpful. Now I know more specifically what you're talking about. Okay, here's. Here's where the boundary issue is here, Amber. The boundary issue is that you're not being honest with yourself about your addicted loved one's ability to be honest. This has happened over and over again. He keeps saying it, and you keep believing it. So the boundary issue, Amber, is. Is with ourselves. And we're counting on them to take the. For not only you're counting on him to, like, admit that he's using, but we're counting on them to, like, administer their punishment and their consequence. And I get what you're saying, like, they've agreed to it, but you got to be realistic with yourself. A setup like that is. Is a setup for lying and sneaking. So a boundary might be. If I suspect you're back actively using again, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave the house. I'm going to get a separate checking account. I'm going to X, Y, or Z. What I'm going to ask you to take a drug test, whatever it is, on your end, because what's the problem here is you're relying on them and you're saying it's causing the boundary. You can only do boundaries for yourself. So it needs to be something more along the lines of you can take action on because you'll feel a lot more in control of the situation. Then it's. It's kind of silly to think that they're going to tell you when they're lying. They're going to tell you when they're using, especially if they've already agreed to this giant punishment consequence that's going to happen if they do. So I think it's the. The giant punishment consequence that probably makes it more likely that the person's gonna lie. All right, so what do we got? Donna Lee says, I just watched your video on getting the truth from an addict, and a lot was about how to ask questions in a way where they don't shut down. Yeah. How can you share how to do the same thing with setting boundaries? Thank you. Okay, so this is a really good question, too, because what Donna's talking about here, I think, is how do I communicate my boundaries? And a little. A little secret that Campbell and Kim and I like to say is you don't always have to say your boundaries, okay. Like, sometimes stuff is just obvious, but there's this weird thing inside where we feel like we have to give someone, like, some kind of fair warning. Like. Like, if you're married to someone, do you really have to say, if you cheat on me, I might divorce you? Do you need to say that? It's kind of a given, right? So you don't always have to communicate them. And a lot of times what we're doing when we're communicating our boundaries is we're really just giving them a warning. Right. And sometimes that can be intrusive. And most of the time, we're thinking, well, if I. If they know that I really mean business, they're just not going to do it. And then again, we're not being honest with ourselves. Occasionally you do need to communicate your boundaries, but to expect that other person to like it or agree with it sometimes is a little too much. So sometimes you got to go into that knowing that they're probably not going to like it. There are always some things you can do to kind of mediate the difficulty or conflict, and that's with your tone of voice, with your body language, if you try to leave out any kind of accusations. Like, for example, if you say something along the lines of, like, if. If I think you've been drinking, then I'm just going to make sure that I drive the kids. Okay? That's a way you might set a boundary. If you say to them, if you're drinking, you can't drive the kids, which sounds great in theory, and I totally agree with. Then you're setting up to not have a lot of control over that. And the reason I use the words, if I think you're drinking, and I specifically put that in there, because if you say, have you been drinking? Where are they going to say? They're going to say no, and then you're gonna know darn well that they have been. So you can reserve the right and say, hey, if I think this is happening, I'm just going to take the extra precaution and drive. That way we don't have to fight or argue. It doesn't have to be weird and I'm just going to drive them that way. It doesn't turn into a thing. Right? And so that is, they don't, they don't have to agree or not agree with that. They don't have to like it or not like it because it's about you. It's a boundary about you. Now, like I said, tone, body language, you don't have to go into accusations, you don't have to tell them they did it 15 times before. You don't have to like get them to admit that they did it yesterday. Just put it out there and then just move on. Sristy says, to what extent should we keep letting natural consequences happen and not interfere? I kept quiet after my loved one relapsed, but kept relapsing, but last week he fell down a flight of stairs and hurt himself pretty bad. Should I just let the natural consequences happen and not interfere? This is another really good question and it's a great boundaries question. If someone is an imminent danger to themselves and you need to take action, then you take action. And that's usually like giant imminent safety issues or an issue where something is hurting a kid or a vulnerable adult or something like that. Those are pretty clear ones in the situation that you're describing where it's like they've relapsed. They probably haven't admit that they've relapsed, but you know that they relapsed. You don't have to set a boundary around it necessarily, but you can say, hey, I know that this is going on and then just throw it out there. You don't have to get them to admit it, you don't have to get them to agree with it, but you can throw out there that you know what's going on and then just move on and let it sink in. In fact, if you do that, I don't even suggest that you stick around and have a big conversation about it. I suggest that you throw it out there, like a little drive by is what I call it, and just let it simmer in so they can think about how to respond. Because initially they're going to be defensive, they're going to deny it, they're going to gaslight you, they're going to do all the things so just throw it out. There. Super sweet. And then move on? That would be my suggestion. Cindy McMillan says question. Is it appropriate not to occasionally text I love you to my son if every time I do, it's like he remembers I exist and then he pleads for money? I don't need the drama, but I want to connect. I. I really like this question, Cindy, because this is about you, right? It's like, I want to let him know that I love him, but I know if, like, open that door up, then he's going to ask me for money, and I don't like that. And then I'm in a bad position. So for you to say, I'm not going to do that, because it just opens the door for a not great dynamic. That is a very healthy boundary to set for yourself. And it may. You may feel a little guilty for it, right? You may feel like that, gosh, I'm his mom. But here's the thing. You've been texting that for a long time. He knows that you love him. That's why I always ask for the money, because he knows that you love him. He's going to use that against you. You and ask you for the money. Because that's gonna happen. It's gonna work on you. So what was it? I think I said this in a video not too long ago and I stole it from someone else. But it was like, if it's between resentment and guilt, you. You gotta pick sometimes. If you keep doing it, then the person, then you're gonna be resentful about it. If you don't do it, then you may feel a little bit guilty about it, but usually that guilt kind of dissipates. Especially after you hold the boundary a time or two, you become really glad that you did. Lisa says, how do I hold a boundary that I have set? If I bring up something that is bothering me, he turns around and bring up some. Brings up something that I did instead. What's the best way to handle the situation? Lisa, what is. I feel like there's two parts to this question, because the first thing you're saying is, how do I hold a boundary that I set? If I bring up something that's bothering me, he turns it around and brings up something I did instead. What is the boundary there? Like, I hear the difficulty there, which is you're trying to communicate something that's bothering you, and then they're turning on you. I hear that, but is there. Is it like, what. What's the. The boundary there? I'm not sure exactly what the boundary piece is, but I can give you some feedback on just the situation in general. A lot of people do this to deflect, right? It's kind of like they're backed into a corner, they're being called out for something, and naturally they want to squirm out of being back out of the corner. A lot of times they sort of throw something back at you. The way I say to handle that is if it is valid and maybe it is somewhat valid, then. Then I think you should say, you know what you've got. You've got a valid point there, and that's something that I need to work on. But right now, we're talking about this, so you can kind of acknowledge it and say, I'm definitely open to talking about that, but. But keep the conversation on what it's on. Now, if you're going down that road and this person just isn't willing to engage in this conversation with you, or they don't care that you're upset about it, or they don't agree, and they don't think that you. Is valid for you to keep on and on and on. And I'm not saying you did this. I'm just using Lisa's as an example because I've seen it happen so much. Not that Lisa's doing it, but like. And you. This is one of those situations where you could end up telling yourself, well, they're not listening, when really they just don't agree. But as far as what to do when they deflect, just sort of make it known that, you know that they're deflecting, you're right. Let's put that on the table. We'll talk about that after dinner tomorrow, whatever. I'm definitely willing to listen to that. But right now, we're talking about this. All right, what's next, Bree? All right, this is more from Lisa. A boundary that I'm telling him is I need some reassurance that he isn't lying to me, and he brings up something he thinks I lied about instead. Okay, this is not a boundary, Lisa. This is an ask. And I'm not saying it's an inappropriate ask. I'm just saying it's not a boundary. A boundary is something that you will or won't do. This is something you're. You're telling your person that it would be super helpful for you to have some reassurance. But there's not a boundary there. Right? That's not. There's not a I will or I won't a boundary around that Might look more like, hey, if I feel like it's unsafe to come to you with my concerns, then I'm just not going to come to you with those concerns. Right. That would be more like a boundary. But what you're saying is you're asking him to do something that he's not doing and instead he's deflecting and making it worse. So the boundary needs to come in for what you're going to do or not do when he deflects it it onto you. Right. You cannot set a boundary with someone else that they have to give you reassurance. That's like, that's not a thing. Manda Pants says. What are healthy repairs for being controlling when the other person has a lot of snark and resentment backing up and trying to stay in my lane, but my loved one is sarcastically asking for permission. Okay, I like this because what you're saying, Mandy, is you're saying maybe you realize that in the past you've been controlling and you're trying to do a better job on your boundary, but your loved one is doing the passive aggressive thing, right? And they're using a bad boundary with you because they're, they're having the snarky drive by comments or whatever, the drive by knifings. I mean that's what I call them. And so I would, I don't know that there is a boundary that you need to set about this. But what I might would just do in a situation like this is just say, hey, I know I've, I've been that way in the past and maybe there's reason for that comment, but it's kind of hurtful. Or you can just take their passive because most time they're, they're just making the snarky comment and they just want it to be left alone. But you can call the comment on to the table too. You can say, hey, clearly, you know, you're still upset with me about this. Talk about it. Because they don't really want to talk about it. They just wanted to make the smarty remark because it just made them feel better, more powerful. And so if, if they bring it up and you say, okay, let's talk about it like super non defensively, they'll stop doing that because they don't really want to talk about it. They just wanted to get a dig in there at you. Kim says, my loved one and I stink at communicating. I know many videos saying it's not necessary to communicate our boundaries to our loved one, but I also don't Want him to be blindsided. Any thoughts? What you, what you can do, Kim, is you can sort of generally say where you stand if you're just really worried. Because what I hear you saying, Kim, is like, I just feel like I need to give him fair warning, like if this happens again, I'm leaving kind of thing or whatever. One thing you to think about as far as this kind of thing goes with setting a boundary, Kim, is that I think it's better if you're not super specific. Because if you're super specific, you'll back yourself into a corner. There's some videos I have on this when I talk about, like, don't make home contracts and stuff like that. But what you can say is, hey, I just want to let you know I'm not going to live in this chaos forever. Right? That's a general statement. You can say, I know that there's going to be some ups and downs in this and I know that I've got to be a little bit flexible, but I'm not going to keep myself or my kids or my family or whoever it is in a bad situation forever. So you're throwing it out there. You don't have to say you get three relapses, specifically, you don't have to say you get no relapses. You don't need to give the specifics. You don't really even need to give this warning. But if you feel a need, then just throw it out there in general. And the reason I say general is because you leave yourself room for game time decision. Because sometimes you throw it out there. You say if you use one more time, I'm going to leave or whatever, but then you, you aren't really ready to leave for whatever, and then you go back on your boundary and then you're mad at yourself. So Sandra, how do you set a boundary if they are taking something from you that is not theirs and won't give it back? Well, the first boundary I think I would set, Sandra, is I would learn that I can't trust this person to give me back things that I let them borrow or use or whatever that is. And so the first boundary is I wouldn't give or let them borrow anything else in the future. If they're flat out stealing it from you or like, let's say someone your friend borrowed your car or whatever and they just didn't bring you back, then you, it may even come to the point where you need to take legal action. What you don't want to do is get In a situation where you're trying to rationalize with them and convince them and talk to them about it, on and on and on, because that. That's where you're. This is a, this is not a talk about a situation. It's an action situation. So, so number one lesson is protect yourself and prevent it from happening in the future, if that's possible. Like, I don't know, the person could be breaking into your house, stealing it. Right. Like, I get that. But a lot of times it's like you let someone have something or do something, and then they just don't hold up their end of the bargain. And you can take action on it if you need to. Eric says, how do you set a boundary for those who want to drop. Want you to drop what you're doing so you can help them move out of an apartment to the next and trying to do that on their time schedule instead of theirs? The. The first thing you do, the way you set a boundary is, hey, I'd love to help, but I've got a crazy busy schedule. So if you need my help moving, I'm going to need to know X amount of time, days ahead of it. And if you don't know days, that many days ahead of it, then you just don't do it. Or you can say, I totally want to help you. I'm available on this day or these days or. But this day between this time and that time. So you set the limits and boundaries around where you can and be available. Or what's the appropriate way to ask you to be involved in that? Like, if you have a friend who's just like, wants to call you last minute, then you don't have to yell at them and say, well, why do you always come last minute? And you always do that. You can just say, oh, man, I really would help you. I just. I had no idea that was going to be going on and I already have plans. So you just politely. That's called setting a boundary. Yeah. Barb says, is this a good boundary? My addict uses marijuana in the house and it triggers me. My boundary is that I plug in the wax melts, leave the house, maybe walk the dogs for some time for the smell to dissipate and return home after I know the smell is all gone. Am I on track? Yeah, I think that's gonna. That's more than reasonable, Barb. And, And I don't even know. And this is one of those boundaries that you don't even. That I don't even know that you need to Communicate. This is just you almost sort of making an agreement with yourself about how you're going to handle it, right? It's sort of making a promise to yourself. Like, look, I hate the way that smells. If I smell it, I'm gonna leave the house, I'm gonna put the wax melts. What most people would do, Barb, is they would try to do something like, you can't use in the house. That, that's the boundary that most people think is the appropriate boundary. Well, if it is their house, like, I don't know if this is a spouse or if this is your kid, I don't know. But if it's your spouse, that's a hard boundary to hold because their house too, right? And if it, even if it's not your spouse and it's your kid, it's your friend, it's your sister or something like that, then it's still another boundary that's going to be really hard to hold. Because if you are dealing with someone's living in your house and you know they're an addict, and you know they're addicted to marijuana, they're going to be doing it in your house. So instead of telling yourself, telling them, or telling yourself they're not going to do it here, you need to have something more appropriate. And Barb is just saying, hey, I'm going to put the wax melts, I'm going to leave. You could take an even bigger boundary to say, hey, I'm just not comfortable living in the house where it smells like that, so I'm going to change my situation. You can do that if you want to. But yes, that's, that's completely appropriate. Wookie talk says, how do I set a boundary for trust? Something like lending money for gas or for food, for groceries? I think, I mean, I guess one of the things you can do, what a lot of people do, is they say, sure, but I'd like to see the receipt. Right? And you can do that. But it's kind of a pain in the butt for you and them. And even if you give them the money and they spend your money on gas, but then they're spending their money on the other thing, you're probably, probably really not getting the result that you want because you feel like, well, okay, you're spending all my money for the bills, but you're spending your money for drugs or whatever. So you're still probably frustrated. But what you. A boundary you can say is. And you don't have to say it to them, you can say it to yourself is if I feel like they're taking advantage of me, then I'm just not going to loan it. Or another boundary you could say is if it's going to have a serious negative impact on my own finances or on the finances of my family or my household, then I'm not going to do it, regardless of what it's for. So those are, those are healthy boundaries for yourself about where you're comfortable doing it, where you're not comfortable doing it. Other people set a literally amount, here's how much I can help you, a week, a month, whatever. And they stick to it. Sometimes they say it and sometimes they don't. But there's different ways of going about doing that. All right, guys, we are to the end of our time today. Thank you so much for everyone who shows up. These were excellent boundary questions. Boundaries are always hard. I have to think through these things myself, actually, to figure it out. And I have to do it in my own life, too. 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