A Glimpse Into the Life And Thinking Of An Alcoholic (True story)

So you guys have a special treat for you today. We have Clark here, who is going to tell you about his journey into the depths of alcoholism and how he climbed his way out. Okay, so, Clark, just for context, just give us a brief sort of understanding of the kind of family you come from, where you grew up and stuff like that.

Sure, yeah. So grew up in here in the upstate of South Carolina. Good parents, two sisters. You know what I would consider to be like, a normal upbringing. There was no addiction in my family that I was aware of anyway. My parents didn't even drink socially, so there was no alcohol or anything like that around when I was growing up. Yeah. So there really wasn't much that I can think of in my childhood that would have pointed out, you know, that I was headed in the direction of sort of becoming an alcoholic. Right, yeah.

How old were you when you had your first drink? Because you weren't super young like some of the ones we see.

Yeah, Yeah, I was 18. You know, I was 18 years old before I had my first drink. But, you know, I, you know, immediately just sort of fell in love with it. I had always kind of felt like a loner a little bit. And, you know, when I, you know, because I got drunk, the first time I drank, it wasn't just like a beer.

You went all in.

Yeah, for sure. Because, I mean, it just like, hey, you know, I kind of like this. Let's see if more is better, you know. And so, yeah, I mean, it just. Everything in the world felt okay at that point to me. I. Yeah, I fell in love immediately.

It's what people, you know, people sometimes call it the missing piece.

Yeah. And that's exactly how it felt, for sure. Yeah, no doubt.

And so how did it progress from there? Would you say you were just like a regular young person that drank a little bit, or was it different?

Oh, yeah. No, I wouldn't say now. Back then, I would have thought that for sure. But, you know, in hindsight, I. It was all, you know, any time that I could get my hands on alcohol, you know, before I was old enough to just go buy it myself, it was drinking with a mission. You know, whether it was with friends or whether it was alone, it really didn't matter that much to me. It was fun at that point to do it with friends, but, yeah, it was a mission. My mission was to get drunk, you know, for sure.

The whole distance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. In fact, my. My friends used to call me, like, Clark T. Lush or something like that. I forget. I don't know.

When you were a teenager?

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

That's not the good.

Started when I was young, though. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Okay.

Yeah, I was the, I was the crazy one, you know.

And so were you drinking every day at that point?

No, no, I wasn't, not at that point. And that's really just because I couldn't get my hands on it every day.

Okay.

But yeah, as soon as I could. Yeah, then, I mean, it was, it was, it turned into a daily thing. For sure. Yeah. It was just part of my daily routine, you know, really that at that point, it started right around the time I turned 21. And what, what happened is I, you know, I had joined the military and alcohol was readily accessible in the military. It was not hard to come across. So. And I mean, it was, it was like almost like encouraged. I mean, it was like sort of. That's what you did. You worked and then you went and got drunk. You know, that's what we did anyway.

That's what you had to do to be one of the boys, I guess.

Sure, yeah. Oh, absolutely. And that's how I felt about it. And there was, you know, I was, my first duty station was in South Korea and there was, you know, there was a girl I met over there. I was 21. You know, I fell in love. I knew her for like a month or two, a couple months before she, she wound up moving back and we stayed in touch. But, you know, things just kind of didn't work out naturally. I mean, it was a long distance across the world relationship, et cetera. But at that point my, my sort of victim thinking started.

Because you got heartbroken.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And what I did, instead of dealing with that in like a healthy way, instead of like reaching out to like friends, family, even though I was like away from family at that point, I turned to alcohol. And so yeah, for, for the, it was like a two week period after that that I just drank. I was not eating food. I don't think I had a bite of food for like a couple of weeks. I think like all my calories were from like whiskey and coke drinks. So yeah, it was, it was like a two week. Yeah, it was like a two week bender. And I mean, I was going to work during the day, but I mean, I was just, I was not there. You know, eventually, you know, it's like some of my co workers kind of intervened and were like, you know, hey, you're eating food today. And they sort of forced me to have like a sandwich or something from Subway, I think it was. And. And, you know, at that point, I started eating. I mean, my drinking just kept on from there. That was when it really. The real problematic, like, poor me, I'm gonna show the world I'm gonna get drunk. You know, I'll show them by getting drunk. That's when that started. So.

Okay, yeah, we call that a I'll get drunk at you episode.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It just lasted years.

Yeah. So is that the point where it really started getting every day?

For sure, yeah, it was every day from that point on. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, from that point. Was there. What was the next big turning point?

Yeah. So, I mean, that continued for years. And I think, like, the next major turning point would have been, like, one morning. You know, I was. It was sort of a morning like any other. At this point, I had started. You know, I tried everything to quit, by the way. You know, I started smoking weed, and that helped me stay sober for a few weeks. And then I would start drinking again. And now I've got two problems instead of just one. And I marked the bottles, I was counting drinks, I was doing everything. And none of that worked, obviously. So a day like any other, you know, at this point, I. At this point, I've gone through school, graduated with honors. Somehow I'm in grad school. But grad school, you know, was going. I mean, I was making good grades, but it was. I was struggling because of my drinking. And it was a morning kind of like any other. I was kind of out of booze. And on my way to the liquor store, I got a phone call from my sister, and she said, dad's had a heart attack and we think he might be dead. Yeah. And so all I could say was just, no, no, no, no, no, this. This can't be happening. You know, And I just couldn't deal with it because I knew I had not been the son that. That I wanted to be or that my dad deserved me to be. I was not living up to that. And I wasn't ready to lose the opportunity to do that, because in my mind, I might feel guilty about my drinking, but I'll fix it down the road. There's always time tomorrow. Yeah, there's always tomorrow. Right. Well, my dad was in the hospital for a few days, but he didn't make it. And so, you know, that opportunity was gone at that point. And I think that's the first, like, real life, big time, you know, consequence that I had felt that just hit me like a ton of bricks. And yeah, it was. It was rough. I remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine during that period of time, and I told him, I said, you know, because we all knew I had a problem. We all knew it was a bad problem for years. But at that point, I was like, you know, I know that if I don't get a hold of this now, I will lose myself in this. Like, completely lose myself in this. And he was like, yeah, you're right, man. You got to do something. You know? And still. Still I wasn't able to get it under control.

How long did it go on from that point that you said that to your friend? Yeah, it was until it stopped.

It was a couple of years. It was a couple more years.

Couple more years after that.

Yeah.

When you really knew.

Two more years for sure. Yeah. And I mean, like I say, it was just something I just had no control over. And, I mean, by the time I finally came to you guys and found. And found help, I was at the point where I knew it was killing me. I was completely aware that I had lost control and that life was not gonna be going my way. And I just, at that point, didn't care. I mean, I cared, but not enough to. Not until I reached out here. Not enough to do what needed to be done, which was get help. Because, you know, it's just not something that I ever would have had the power to do on my own if I had not come here, if I had not sought. I would still be doing that if I would even be alive today. Which is really a question in my mind. I don't know that I would be. So.

I feel like I remember you were telling us a story before about you had these friends upstairs or something. Like you lived in an apartment and you had some drinking friends upstairs.

Yeah, so it was actually like, a couple buildings over.

Okay.

Yeah. So, yeah. And, yeah, so I'd be hanging out with them, you know, and we'd be drinking, we'd be smoking, we'd be doing all that, you know, and it just wasn't really enough for me, though, even then. And I would sneak out and I would make up an excuse. I gotta call my mom. I gotta do whatever, and run back down to my house to drink, slam a few drinks, and just to get okay, even though I was drinking up there, and then go back up there so that they wouldn't see, you know, the degree to which I was drinking.

You know, because there's this shame. And even though, you know, you have a problem, even though you probably Know, other people may even know you have a problem for sure you still don't want them to see.

Yeah, there's still that ugliness of it. There's still that drive to try and hide it. I'm okay. I have to. Like, you might. I mean, I knew I wasn't okay, but I had to project that I was okay, you know, for some reason.

I, you know, you know, having to leave the party. Yeah, because you can't drink like you would drink.

Right.

Right in front of other people.

That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

I've had. I've treated some alcoholics that didn't drink socially at all.

Yeah, well, that's how it was by the. At the end. By the time we got to the end. Like, that was. I would say that was around the time my dad passed away. Yeah, after. After my dad died, I pretty much stopped hanging out with people, more or less. I mean, I had a couple of friends I would still see every once in a while, but overall, it was just me sort of hunkered down in my apartment, drinking, doing my thing. I mean, it got to the point of where if I sort of heard a noise outside, I was like, staring out the peephole in the door, just like, kind of paranoid, like, what's going on? You know, it was. It was really kind of pathetic, you know? Yeah.

So before you, just before you called us, what was a regular day in the life of Clark?

A regular day in the life of Clark was wake up in the morning, check social media, check my phone to see what I had done, what I had put out into the world the night before. It was never good. I would all. Every morning started with me, you know, trying to, like, mop up what I had done the night before, and me kind of hating myself. That's how I started every day. And to deal with that, especially at the end, by the time grad school was something, I wasn't even enrolled in grad school anymore because I just. There's no point in continuing to pay money for something that I was not taking seriously at that point. And I was unable to work, so I was just at the house. So to deal with those feelings of self hatred I had every morning, I would just immediately usually smoke or I would drink. I would start in the morning, I would be upset to be awake, honestly, because at that point, sleep was the only thing that I had that sort of felt like I was escaping everything for a little while. I would drink. I would just continue that all day, honestly. And you know, by the time nighttime rolled around, it would be. You know, there wasn't a lot that had happened during the day, and it would be. I would lay in bed, usually afraid to go to sleep, because even though I really, on the one hand, was kind of suicidal and like, almost just wanted it to end, I was also afraid to die. And I was afraid I would die in my sleep. So I was literally afraid to go. I would lay awake at night, afraid to go to sleep because I lived alone, and I didn't want to be, like, found dead, you know, in my apartment. So I would usually be up really late because of that. And then it would just. The cycle would just repeat itself every day for, like, you know, for quite a while. It was really pathetic.

You were really held hostage.

Yeah, for sure.

Couldn't not drink. Yeah, right. Hated drinking.

I knew what I needed to do to fix the problem, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. I wasn't willing. Until I finally took the step, I just wasn't willing to shine a light on my addiction. And I think that's the only thing that. That can. That can bring about recovery. You know, addiction can't live in the light.

Right.

And I was. I was isolating in an effort to stay in the darkness, you know, and so, I mean, that's kind of how I was living my life. And it wasn't until I. I came here and we put a light right on it, you know, that I was able to start getting better. Yeah.

That was the thing that held you back. That was what you were scared of. Not like treatment, not like detox. It was the. Just.

It was everyone knowing it was.

Everyone was talking about it out loud, Putting it all out on the floor.

For sure. Yeah.

Wow. That was holding you back. So what happened?

That was a big thing.

What happened that you worked up the courage?

I really don't know what clicked, necessarily. I just know that it was. It was. You know, I knew my existence was. Was just not what I wanted it to be, and it wasn't headed in the direction that I wanted it to head in. I knew, like, I was kind of like, where am I going to be in a year? You know, I was sitting there dwelling on that a lot, and it wasn't. I couldn't come up with a good picture of what that looked like for me. And I was just one night, you know, I was drinking again. I was doing my thing, and I just said, this is just not. This can't continue. So got on the computer and I did a Search for, like, treatment. And I think you guys were one of the first ones that came up. And I actually looked at some of your YouTube videos. So, yeah, I forgot about that part. But, yeah, I looked at some of your YouTube videos, and I was like, you know, this seems pretty legit. And I sent you guys an email that night and got a call back the next morning. I was off to detox.

Yeah, that was one of the things about your story that I. That I thought was remarkable was that you came in. A lot of people come to see us still in some level of denial. Maybe they know they have sort of a problem, but they're not, like, alcoholic or they need to slow down but not stop. But you came. You're like, what do I do? Yeah, like, marching orders.

Yeah. Yeah. And like I say, you know, in aa, I've heard a lot of people say, you know, that when they came into the program, they had the gift of desperation. And I think that. That I was desperate. By the time I got here, I was desperate, and I was like, well, I've reached out now. I've done it, so let's make sure we do it right, you know, And I'm so glad that I did. It really is a gift. I mean, desperation can be a gift. I don't think it's always required, but I'm glad I had it because it definitely made me willing to do whatever it took. And it wasn't easy. It was not easy. Even though I wanted it, even though I did have that desperation, it wasn't something that was easy to do. But, wow, does it pay off?

What was different about the recovery process? Or was it. Was it, like, what you thought it would be like, or was it different?

I mean, not really. So when I. When I reached out to you guys, I was expecting to go to detox. That was the main reason I reached out to you, honestly, was detox. I was afraid to quit. Like I said, I laid awake at night. You should have been afraid to die.

You couldn't have just. You could not.

I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so either. And I. And I knew that. And so my plan, you know, my plan, in my, you know, logical mind that I had in active addiction, Well, I say sarcastically, was to come here, go to detox, and, you know, maybe do some individual therapy, and I would be fine. Fixed. You know, I really thought that that's not how it worked, and I'm glad it didn't. So I was not expecting group, you know, twice a week Whatever. I was not expecting to be, you know, to go into AA and all.

That stuff, and even the marijuana. I think you said that one time.

That wasn't something I was planning on quitting. I thought I could still smoke. I thought that'd be fine. I just got to quit the drinking, you know. Yeah. So I even told my friends, like, you know, hey, don't worry. I'll still be able to hang out, blah, blah, blah. We can do this, you know, but, you know, once I got into. Out of detox and into group and into individual therapy, you know, I figured out that my problem. And this is where I was mistaken. I think I thought my problem was drinking, but that was. That was a symptom of my problem. I think it was. My problem was the way I looked at the world, the way I thought about things, the way I thought about the world. And checking out, you know, can be done in a variety of ways, whether it's drinking or smoking weed or whatever. And if you're checking out, you know, I found you're not engaged with the world, and that's. That was my problem. I wasn't willing to stay engaged with the world because I was. The world was a cruel place that I really didn't care to be a part of necessarily anymore. It was just that I wasn't about that. I was very skeptical of everything and stuff. So it took me realizing that my problem wasn't just drinking to. To get better. Really.

Okay.

Yeah.

And you. You did not get better immediately. You. You did. You got sober pretty immediately, but you did not feel better?

No, no. I think it probably took like five or six months, if I remember right. I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but. Yeah, I mean, I had a couple little pink cloud moments, they call it, you know, but overall, I was pretty depressed the first several months.

You were extremely depressed.

Yeah.

Worried about you. Yeah. Kimball was worried about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you hung in there, and that was really impressive.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was. It was tough, but I knew that what I was doing was not working and wasn't going to work, so I was like, well, you know, yeah, I feel really crappy. But, you know, and I was told by you guys and people in the NAA and other folks, you know, there's, you know, no matter how bad you feel right now, there's nothing that you're going through that taking a drink can't make worse.

Right.

And that was true, you know, for sure.

So there was that one time you were walking to the grocery store and turned around. I've never seen. People don't usually get that close and turn around.

Yeah, yeah, I was. I was. Well, what. It was right after I got back from detox, and I didn't even have a car that would run. My car was broken down. So at this point, I'm having to take the bus around town everywhere, but there was no bus at the moment. And, yeah, I was just like, you know what? I give up. I'm gonna drink whatever. I'm walking to the gas station, and something stopped me. I turned around and came back. And I think it was just, you know, just knowing that, you know, you've come out with it now, you've opened up, and that's what I was talking about, shining the light on it. The light was on at that point.

There's accountability. There's no more hiding and the secrecy.

Yeah. So that was a big thing. So. Yeah.

And now your recovery coach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Just started the gig, and so, yeah, I'm loving it. And that's. That's. To me, that's, like, the best thing about recovery, because, like, everyone in the. In AA and a lot of folks here and stuff that have helped me have been touched by addiction, and they've taken those experiences and used it to help other people and not myself included. And I hope that I can, you know, do that for other people. And I'm looking forward. I now have the opportunity to do that, you know, for. For to make my living, which is a great gift. I mean, if you had asked me a year ago, you know, where I was going to be, you know, that was right before I came here, I would not have said that. I might have said dead, but I wouldn't have said that. Yeah, right. So I'm just super grateful, and I'm just. I just cannot believe how. How. How good it is to be sober after. You know, I knew it was going to get good. Everyone told me that, and I believed it, but it just. It did after. After that bad period of time for the first, like, five months or so, man, it got good quick after that. Yeah, it got real good.

And I think that's what's for us. That's. What's amazing is, you know, it's not even just that we get to watch the miracle happen to Clark, which is amazing, but then to watch Clark help other people and knowing that those people are gonna help other people, I feel like when one person gets it, it just multiplies. And, like, you know, if you. If you help somebody's parent get sober doesn't just change that person's lives, it changes the lives of their children, which probably impact the lives of their children. Recovery is contagious.

Yeah, for sure. I don't think you can be touched by recovery and come away quite the same. Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, thank you for hanging out with us.

It's been my pleasure. Thank you.