Amber Hollingsworth explains why "I don't want addiction to define me" worries loved ones. They hear it as dismissal, which makes them doubt the person's commitment to recovery and fear relapse.
And I frequently hear people say things like, I don't really want addiction or recovery to define me. Like, I get that's a part of my life. I get that I have to deal with this and move on, and I'm serious about it. But I don't want everything in my life to revolve around that. And when they say that to me, I completely understand what they're saying. And it makes perfect sense to me when you say that. When people say that to their loved ones, it strikes a nerve because the translation on the loved one's side of hearing things like that is, just shut up about it. It's all fine. Let's just move on. You should just get over it and don't worry about it. And I got this right. It comes across as minimizing, deflecting, and it makes the family member feel super insecure about whether or not the person is really trying in recovery. Like, they really mean it, they're really doing it. Are they planning to go back to using? That's what they'll be thinking.
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