Addiction and Boundaries (why people with addictions can’t respect boundaries)

That no matter how small the boundary, if you have a loved one with a substance abuse problem, they just can't seem to respect that boundary. They're constantly crossing your boundaries. That is exactly what we're going to cover in today's live. If you're new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor. And you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction. So you, you can outsmart it. So this is a question that we received just this week on one of our videos. I got a question from one of the viewers asking why in the world do addicts and alcoholics, like, cross every boundary, even when it doesn't even seem to be something like related to getting drugs and alcohol. And I thought, oh, that's a really good question. And so I want you guys to know I really do listen to your questions and I actually really appreciate them because it's not always easy for me to think about, you know, what is it that would be helpful for people. And that just gives me a lot to go on. So when you ask me questions, a lot of times I'll think, oh, that's probably a question a lot of people want to know. I think I'll make a video on it. So thank you for submitting that question. And if you're watching this video and you have other questions, feel free to. Feel free to put a question, a comment, concern in the comment area and I'll address your question too. Alright, so let's get on to our topic. So we all know that addicts and alcoholics will cross boundaries in order to get their substance. But it's confusing as to why they're constantly just crossing our boundaries in general. And it's a little bit of a complex answer. So I thought I would go through it with you sort of in pieces. And the biggest, we'll start with the science piece. I guess the biggest part of the reason why addicts and alcoholics are constantly crossing your boundaries is because they are constantly staying in a fight or flight state of mind. So they're constantly in basically in survival mode. And if you can think back to a time when you were in a bad situation, you were seriously in a fight or flight mode. You were not good, you were just surviving. Then you'll probably remember that you didn't care about some things in those moments that you care about now. You didn't care how you look, you didn't care if you're gonna get a promotion. You didn't care About a whole lot of things that normally you think about because you're in survival mode. And so when you live like that, think about it. If it's sort of a life or death situation, you do what you got to do. And they're always staying in this, you do what you've got to do mode. So any of us if put in that kind of position where we're just literally surviving for our life or seriously, seriously sick, we're like that. We're not as respectful about people's boundaries and so we all have that capacity. And the reason why addicts and alcoholics do it so much more is because they stay in that state. It is a constant, never ending chase for, you know, how am I going to get substances, how am I going to pay for them, how am I going to hide them, how am I going to get by with it, what am I going to do when I run out, how am I going to get the next ones? It's just a full, beyond full time job. And so that's the state of mind of the person that you're dealing with. And they will cross all of your boundaries, your financial boundaries, your emotional boundaries. They'll push your buttons. They'll push your buttons on purpose for a couple reasons. One, sometimes they do it because they're trying to start a fight which then helps them feel better about making bad decisions. Like I just want to go use and I want to start a fight with you so I can walk out, slam the door and go do what I'm going to do. And then secondly, on almost more of a subconscious or a deeper level, addicts and alcoholics will keep themselves in a mindset where they're a victim. So they're going to constantly build resentments towards you. They're going to feel like you're unfair to them because that helps them to not deal with what they are doing. So that's almost like this. It's not even directly related to using in the moment. It's more this, this sort of state of mind or way of being that accidental colleagues like keep themselves in. That's why they need to be around a person or rehab that doesn't play by those rules. That's right. Great point. Because with it, your family, the buttons are so easy to be pushed. And when it's like counselor or a nurse or a mental health tech or something like that, it's so much harder to push those buttons because it's not personal for us. Somebody said this in group and apparently like it, they heard it somewhere Else, but I really liked it. And they said, this was like a week or two ago. So in group said your. But your family's so good at pushing your buttons because they're the ones that made them. And I thought, oh, that's deep. That's true. They know what your buttons are because they made your buttons. So they know exactly how to push them and in what order. And so there's the sort of, I need to get what I'm trying to get and the immediacy of it. And then there's the sort of psychological state of mind that addicts and alcoholics stay in. You gotta sort of convince yourself, you gotta justify it some way, because deep down inside, you know that that behavior does not fit with your value system. And so you gotta get in there and twist up your thoughts. I sometimes say in my group, we talk about. I say, you know, regular people adjust their behavior to fit their value system. And when you're struggling and stuck in addiction, you'll find that you actually adjust your values to fit with your behavior. It's like you change your whole internal value system to make whatever it is you're doing okay. And it's really. It's almost like mind blowing when you see it. Let me tell you a story about a young person I saw this week. This was a young girl, and she was about 16, I think. And this was my first meeting with her. And I was thinking the whole time. I was thinking the whole time that, like, this young girl was sitting in my office and I was kind of, like, doing an assessment. I was like, wow, I wish that this was recorded because literally, I would show this in counselor school to new counselors because this person could not have, like, demonstrated more textbook teenager thinking and behaviors. I was like, wow, this is almost like. It's almost like something you see on the Disney Channel or something, as far as just how teenagery it was. But so this young person's sitting there and they're telling me. And this is. This is pretty typical. It was really just highlighted because of how young the person was. But they were telling me how they don't get along with their family because their family's trying to be controlling, and they're all in their business and other parents aren't like that. So they're telling me the regular spiel, and I'm listening. I hear this every day. And so I ask more questions about that. And the person says, well, my mom just always ignores me. And I'm like, what do you mean, ignores you? And they're like, she just doesn't answer my questions. I'm like, well, what kind of questions? And they're like, well, you know, like, when I'm like, can I go do such and such and such and such, and my mom won't even answer those questions. And I'm like, well, how do you think she doesn't answer them? And the kid was like, I don't know. And I said, well, do you think it's because the answer is no and that your mom knows that you're gonna get really mad when she says no and it's gonna start a big fight? And the kid. The kid says, well, if they would just say that, then that would be better. And I'm like, really? If they said that to you, that wouldn't start a big fight? And they were like, well, I mean, if it was ridiculous and it didn't make any sense, you know, like, if I didn't have anywhere to be or I'm not even supposed to be doing something else or staying for a test, I mean, that's ridiculous. Like, I'm just gonna keep asking. So this kid was basically telling me, which is pretty typical, how they pester their parent to death, trying to get them to say whatever, agree to whatever it is that they want the parent to agree to. And you can. This isn't just teenagers and parents. You can apply this across the board. It's just sort of this push, push, push. And eventually the family learns like, well, I'm just gonna disengage. I'm just not gonna engage. But then they just push harder, and eventually they'll take whatever that is and start a big, giant fight with you. Even when you're trying to disengage and be neutral and stay away from it. That's that perpetual boundary crossing. And you want to know what the worst part about all of this is? It's so frustrating to feel like you're totally taken advantage of. You're treated terribly, all these things as a family member. But the worst part of it is, is that I guarantee you the other person, the person with substance abuse problem, feels like you're the one crossing their boundaries. And I know you're like, what? But I promise you, because this is what I do every day. I talk to addicts and alcoholics, and they tell me pretty much 100% of the time how their family is constantly crossing their boundaries. And there's probably a little bit of truth in that, because families sort of instinctually try to make the situation better and control it. And in the family's mind. I'm just trying to help or I'm just looking out for you. But you're really crossing their boundaries too, because you're constantly sort of telling them what they can and can't do. You're probably manipulating them back some. I should do a whole video on that. How families manipulate the addict, because that definitely happens. And so it's this whole. Becomes this whole cat and mouse game where no one is respecting anyone else's boundaries. And both people are being driven by fear. The addict and the alcoholic is running in that survival mode because of fear. Because of fear of what's gonna happen if they don't have the substance. And a lot of times when they cross your boundaries, like they take money or they. They're not where they say they're gonna be or something like that. They have in their mind that they're gonna fix that. It's like, okay, I'm just gonna take this money. It's 20 bucks. But then I'm gonna sell this at Plato's Closet, these clothes or whatever, and I'm gonna put the money back. They just never do it. But in their mind, they're telling themselves they're gonna fix it before the fallout comes. They just don't ever do it because they're in this survival mode. And they're just constantly trying to survive from one moment to the next. But the family's in the same boat because you're scared to death, you're panicked. You don't know what's gonna happen to your loved one. You don't know how that's gonna impact you and the whole rest of your family. So you're coming from a place of fear as well. And that's what's causing you to cross their boundaries. I know it's kind of hard for me to say, but it is true. Like, families, they get way on the other person's side of the street. And so a lot of what we do in our office is we talk about what's their side of the street and what's your side of the street. And I know that seems like a really simple concept, but it sometimes can get murky and confusing and hard to figure out. And the problem with it is because a lot of things that are on their side of the street affect you. And so for you to stand back and not be able to have say in those things is frustrating. Like, for example, if you know every time they hang out with X person that it's gonna be bad, they're gonna do something stupid or get arrested or whatever, but you don't have. It's not in your boundaries, not on your side of the street to tell them who they can and can't hang out with. Then that's frustrating because you're like, yeah, but if they hang out with that person, it's gonna mess up my life because they're gonna get arrested and then I'm gonna have to go bail them out. And that's where your side of the street is. It's, are you going to bail them out? Are you going to pay the money? And so really understanding those differences will help you so much. Now the other ways that addicts and alcoholics can cross your boundaries is by lying and cheating. If it's a spouse or a partner, they'll have these other relationships going on. And a lot of the way that they justify that is because they've most often they've made you be the bad guy somehow. So this happens even when you deal with couples and one person cheats on the other person. That person that's cheating will convince themselves that they're not in love with you, that you don't treat them right, that you don't make them happy, that you don't do right, whatever. They'll convince themselves of this. It's almost because having an affair really is an addictive process. It's totally exactly the same, brain wise and everything else and the psychology of it. And so they'll convince themselves why doing that is okay. And so they'll cross those boundaries for all of those reasons. To get more clarity on how to keep your side of the street separate than their side of the street and hold your boundaries. There are a couple of things you can do. One is I released a video a couple of weeks ago called I think it's called Boundaries versus Consequences, which is a really good one. And I'll link it up once we get done with this live. I'll link it up here for you and I'll also link up the whole playlist we have on boundaries because there's just a lot of little pieces to this concept and it's hard to give it to you all at once. But if you will sort of slowly digest that by a little bit, you'll start to get it because this really is a bigger philosophy and once you understand that, you'll be better able to see clearly what's really going on and to set and hold healthy boundaries for yourself. Thank you for everyone who joined us on our live today. I really appreciate it. You guys help me because you give me ideas. And you help me because you help me spread the message by sharing the videos and by passing it along to a friend. And without it, we couldn't get the message out there. Last week or two weeks ago, we passed 2,000 subscribers, which was huge for me. I was so excited. And the prediction is that we'll be at 10,000 subscribers in a year if we keep going like we're going. So thank you to everyone out there who's helping spread the message because you're helping families. And families don't know where to look for help. And most of the places they try to look, they just get turned away. Let me know in the comments if you've had that experience. If you've tried to get some help from somewhere before and you've basically got a bad response or just dismissed or made to feel like it's your fault any of those things, let me know that below. And remember that when you're spreading the message of family recovery. Thanks for joining me and I will. Hand raise. I like that. I'll see you guys next week. Oh, and I'm going to release an extra bonus video for you guys sometime this weekend, so be on the lookout for it. It's a surprise bonus one. All right, bye, everybody.