Addiction, Lies, and Manipulation (2020)

In this video, we're going to explore the different faces of addiction. And what I mean by that is we're going to talk about the different personality types and how that looks in addiction. And this is so important because each of these personality types have different defense mechanisms that surround the addiction that you absolutely must understand if you're going to get through that barrier of denial, of defenses, and actually help someone recover. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get back to living the life that you want to live. Because I know you're done letting addiction run the show, destroy the family. It's time for you to get back in charge of your own life. And the information we give you in this channel is going to keep you five steps ahead of addiction at all times. So most of us have this idea in our head about what an addict or an alcoholic looks like. And most of us have a little bit of a stereotypical version. But those of us out there who have loved ones who are addicted know that it really can look all different kinds of ways. And in this video, we're going to explore four sort of big general categories that people might fall in and talk about the defense mechanisms around those different personality characteristics. Now, by no means is this an exhaustive list, but this will help you get a general understanding about how to approach different people differently. So let's start off by talking about that more stereotypical version of what we might think of as someone being addicted or an alcoholic. Most of us have in our head someone that's just sort of. That's their thing. That's what they do full time. They just use or drink. They don't work, they don't go to school. They probably look a mess. They may or may not have a home to live in. But we pretty much think of them like they're kind of in shambles. Yes, there definitely is that kind of addict and alcoholic. We've all seen it. You can't deny it. Well, the thing about this particular characteristic of addiction is that in these incidences, a lot of times the person has come to accept that they have an addiction. In fact, many times they've come to sort of embrace it, and they've just taken it on as their identity. They've kind of just given themselves over to it, like it's their destiny or it's what they're on the planet for. And I know that seems a little bit weird, but that's the way that they make sense of it, that they justify it, minimize. That's the way they basically build some delusion around it that makes it possible to continue in that lifestyle. So the thing here that you're dealing with isn't so much denial. The thing here that you're dealing with is the fact that the person has pretty much accepted it or that the person thinks that it's so bad that they can never get better. And honestly, I think denial is probably a little bit easier to deal with because you can get through that. And then usually the person wants to get better. This person has just accepted the fate. And it can be a really sad situation. It's difficult to treat and especially difficult to live with. Now, the next personality characteristic we're going to talk about when it comes to addiction is the one that I call the people pleaser. Now, the people pleaser type of person who has an addiction is a lot more difficult to wrangle in some specific ways. I'm going to tell you what those are. You see, this kind of person is easy to get along with. They're friendly, they're likable, and you really care about them. You want to take care of them, you want to see good things happen for them because in general they're kind and considerate and they have really masterful ways of avoiding things. The reason the people pleasing characteristic is so difficult to deal with is because a lot of times they'll go along with whatever you're saying. So it makes you feel like, oh, this is an easier case, or they're less difficult. But in the end, in the back of their mind, they're still addicted and they're usually gonna do whatever they're gonna do and they just aren't gonna necessarily confront you with that. Now, a people pleasing type might get confrontational if you back them into a corner and they basically feel like they have no choice. But in general they operate by avoidance. This one is a little bit more. I usually say it's easier to get this type of personality to come in and go to treatment, but it's harder to get them to get clean and stay clean because they are just slippery. They can slip through treatment, they can avoid consequences, they can avoid family, friends. They have people that want to enable them for longer because they're nicer and more pleasant and your heart just goes out to them. But don't be fooled. Just because this person looks different than what you have in your mind, it does not mean they are any less addicted. Now, before we go on to the third one. I do want to tell you that these personality characteristics aren't necessarily something you're going to find in a book. This comes from my own personal experience with working with hundreds or actually thousands of people struggling with addictions. Because it's my job to figure out what it's going to take to get through to the clients who come to see me. And they're all different. Okay, let's move on to the third personality type when it comes to addiction. This one I'm going to call the rebel. A lot of times when you're dealing with this personality type, a lot of times it's a young person, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. It could be a full grown up. But this type, it's almost like they've taken this alternative lifestyle as their cause. Kind of like against the man. Almost like it's their right, it's their way to rebel against society or cultural norms that they don't like. It's like a statement almost. And they hold on to that and embrace it with a fierceness because they have it very much tied up in their identity and they have passion around it. You know, they run around and advocate for drug use. You know, oftentimes these people advocate vocally for drug use, for individual rights and things like that. And it's not necessarily a bad personality type. But this creates some particularly difficult defense mechanism to get through because it's not just about giving up the drugs. It's kind of like a change of religion. It's kind of like giving up who you are as a person. So there's a lot going on here and it's a lot more complicated than just stop drinking or just stop smoking weed or just stop doing drugs. There's a lot of layers in here. So definitely approach with caution. And just remember, the more you fight and argue with this rebel type personality, the more they're going to defend it. In fact, they like it because they almost see it as their personal mission in life to advocate for the lifestyle. Now, the fourth personality type that we're going to talk about in this video is one that I'm going to call the victim personality type. The person that takes on the victim personality approach to addiction may have had some real life serious difficulty. And it's really hard to hold this person accountable because a lot of times you can see where they're coming from because you know about some things that they've been through and you feel really bad for them. Your heart goes out to them and you have empathy and In a lot of ways, you can kind of understand how they got to the point that they got to. It's so difficult to quit enabling the victim personality type. Not just because you feel bad for them and you kind of understand it in some ways, but because they play that card against you anytime they need to, Like a weapon so they know they can pull it out. It's like the ace card. This bad thing happened to me. You know, you and dad divorced, whatever it is. Or it's this, like, I have these severe mental health problems. I can't help it. It's this. They play this I can't help it card. And it's very difficult for you to argue. But what I need you to remember here is, Is that addiction is doing nothing but hurting this person more. And you are not doing them any favors by excusing the behavior, by not holding them accountable, and by letting it go on, no matter what the circumstance is, that brought the situation on. Now, like I said before, there are a lot more variations of personality. These are just some really broad, general categories or ways of thinking in our minds. To help us understand that different people need different things for recovery. And they have different defense mechanisms that you're gonna have to work through. Actually, in our office, we think that this is so important. That it is a strategic part of the treatment process for the whole family. Not only do we identify the personality characteristics of the person struggling with addiction, but we identify the personality characteristics of the family. And when I'm saying that, I don't mean necessarily, like, bad characteristics. I just mean who you are and how you and what your buttons are and what your strengths are and all that kind of stuff. We actually use a system called the enneagram. Now, you may or may not have heard of that before. Think about, like, Myers Briggs, but a little bit more complex than that. And I got to tell you, it is infinitely helpful for getting people and families to understand each other, each other's perspectives. What the different people need, what's triggering for the different individuals in the family. It just helps us have some common language and understanding. To approach the situation differently. If that's something that you're interested in and you want to learn more about. It's actually a part of our family recovery academy. We actually go through and teach you about all of the different enneagram personality types, show you how to figure out your own personality types for your loved one to figure out their personality type. And give you some strategic clues on how all of that relates not just to recovery from addiction. But also to Family Recovery. I'll put a link to the Family Recovery Academy in the description below. But next up, I want you to watch this video on denial, because you really need to understand those denial defense mechanisms and combine it with what you know about the personality. And that's going to give you an incredible amount of information for you to make a strategic plan on how to get from where you are to where you want to be.