Addictive Behavior (Dangerous Warning Signs You Should Never Ignore)

There are just some behaviors and warning signs of behaviors that you really should just never ignore. We all know that sometimes when you're dealing with someone in active addiction, things can get really ugly, even violent. And you never want to allow a situation like that to escalate if you can help it. Now sometimes it comes out of the blue and you never saw it coming. But, but other times there are warning signs and there are build up behaviors and that's what we're going to talk about in this video. In fact, I'm going to tell you seven behaviors and situations that you really should never ever ignore. Don't tolerate these things. Don't just tell yourself, oh, they were just intoxicated, they didn't really mean it, or you know, they were just messed up, or you know, they were just in a bad way. Because if you're seeing these type behaviors, especially if you're seeing them regularly, they tend to escalate. It doesn't say the same. It doesn't necessarily go away, especially if someone is continuing in an active addiction. And I don't want you to just dismiss them or ignore them. You've got to take them seriously. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life and, and your family back on track. And today's topic is a pretty serious one that everybody should pay attention to. So let's take a look at what are those seven situations that you really just cannot take lightly? The first one is going to seem, it may seem somewhat obvious to some of you, but other times, you know, when things happen so regularly, it's easy to convince yourself that it's normal. It becomes your new normal, or it's fine, or it's not that big of a deal. But anytime there are behaviors like pushing, shoving, pulling, throwing objects, breaking objects, even though that may not seem like extreme violence to you, it can definitely escalate in sort of the intensity and the level. And a lot of times those are warning sign behaviors that someone's anger or aggression or whatever's happening is escalating and getting out of control. So you may think, oh, you know, they just, they, they broke a cup, you know, but if they, you know, it's one thing to accidentally break up, but it's another thing to take, you know, a glass or maybe like a coffee cup and throw it at someone's head and break it against the wall. That's a sign that someone is losing control. And you should not ignore those types of behaviors because it means that someone is losing control and ability to. To manage their own anger and even their own behavior. And you may think to yourself, well, they. They're intoxicated, they don't really mean it. But when someone's. And we're going to talk about that, because that's one of them. But when someone's intoxicated, they're not in their right mind, and they may not mean it when they're sober, but they probably mean it right then in that moment. So don't ignore them. The second types of behaviors that you don't want to ignore or dismiss would be any kind of intimidating behavior. Now, in that first one I mentioned, like breaking objects, breaking options can actually be an intimidation kind of behavior as well, because it's showing. It's like this, you know, if you think about, like a porcupine or a pufferfish, it's a way of showing you an aggression. Especially if someone's breaking an object that's of sentimental value or really important to you. They're really. That's called a revenge behavior. And they're so angry and distraught at that point, and they're just trying to make you feel their anger or their pain or whatever it is that they feel like they're hurt about, that is not an okay sign. There are plenty of other ways to intimidate, though. Sometimes people intimidate with their physical size. Sometimes people get right in your face and yell at you. Sometimes people say really nasty, mean, or hurtful things. There are a lot of ways, but intimidation is a sign of escalating behavior that you shouldn't just ignore. The third type of behavior which kind of falls in line with intimidating behavior is any kind of like blocking or restraining. Sometimes if someone's really upset and you're trying to leave the conversation or leave the house or the building or the place where you're at. Sometimes when people are so angry they don't want you to walk away, they want to talk about whatever it is. And so they may block the door, they may grab your arm, they may do something to try and keep you from leaving, and they're literally restraining you or blocking you from being able to leave the situation, that is a bad sign. That is not okay. It's not an okay boundary to have between one adult and another adult in any circumstance, in any time, even if it's you as a family member and someone is. Maybe they're intoxicated and they Want to leave to get in their car and you don't want them to drive, which I get. That's, you know, I understand. That's reasonable. You don't want to try to physically restrain them or physically block the door because that will escalate a situation for sure. So be mindful of that one. Just want to say hello. Thank you, Taylor, for the super chat. That is su. That is super nice of you. And those super chats go to help support the channel. Hey, Linda. And then, hey, is it Meme Racing tv? I think that's the new name. And Debbie, good to have you guys here with us. All right, so the next type behavior number four is anytime someone is threatening themselves or you. When people get either really intoxicated or they're really angry and they're to the point that they're making a lot of threats, you do not want to ignore them. It's really easy to dismiss these kinds of threats and think, oh, they're just mad. They submit it or whatever. But you've got to take that seriously every single time. Even as a counselor. Even if I think someone's just saying it to manipulate or someone's just saying it are upset, I always take those things seriously. In fact, I have a video specifically about what to do if someone threatens to harm themselves. And you know, you're not sure if they are manipulating or not or whatever. There is a protocol that you really need to take side. So make sure you check that video out if you haven't seen that one already, just to know what to do in the case of some kind of emergency like that the other time. The number five. I'm looking at my list over here, if you're wondering. Number five is anytime someone seems to be just in such a serious rage, you can tell like, this is like beyond anger. Right? It's like you can feel that extreme rage, like, coming out of them. You can see it on their face. They look and sound and feel like they are about to explode. That's a major warning sign that says back up. Don't try to reason with someone in that state. Don't try to argue with someone in that state. Don't try to, like, talk sense into them. If you're gonna converse with them, you can use some reflective listening skills. I have a video coming out soon about. About that. But you don't want to try to get this person to reason with you. Maybe they're upset about something and you think it's a ridiculous thing to be upset about. Especially when someone gets intoxicated that happens sometimes. And you're just trying to be like, it's not that big a deal, man. Like, just forget it. You're. You're not gonna talk reasonably with someone who's in a rage state. So what you're trying to do is either de. Escalate the situation or just get out of the situation. Anytime someone. This is number six. Anytime someone has an angry episode when they're really intoxicated, especially if they're intoxicated on something like alcohol or benzodiazepines, a lot of people make really impulsive bad decisions when they're under the influence that they would never make otherwise, right? And they're angry at something that's maybe even irrational, but they get themselves worked up. And I'm telling you, we are all capable of pretty much anything given the right circumstances. So when someone's intoxicated, they're making threats themselves or making threats to you, they're showing anger, they're showing aggressive behavior. You're not dealing with that normal person at this point. Take it seriously, Deal with the safety of the issue. This is not the time to try to intervene and say, you have substance abuse problem, you need to go to treatment. This is not the time to try to talk someone through their childhood trauma. Now's not the time. Safe. When safety is an issue, you have to deal with the safety of the issue. Forget what's therapeutic, anything else at that moment. And I know that seems obvious, but it's really easy to get sucked in to a situation like this. Like, let's say especially when people drink. Like, when people drink, they start remembering old memories. And sometimes they can get themselves worked up about something someone did to them in the past, something you said to them that hurt them feeling, whatever, and they start obsessing about it, but they don't have the reason or rationality or filter to be able to communicate or work through that logically. And we've all seen people who get like, angry when they drink. And a lot of times that anger can. It can be because someone walked by and bumped them or be about something here now. But it can also be about something from the past that they haven't moved on from or they haven't let go of. Because I find that when people get intoxicated, it brings up all that ugliness, and then they start perseverating on it, and it's really hard to get them to shift that gear. And our number seven is anytime someone is showing you, like, paranoid or delusional behavior, which can happen, particularly if someone's addicted to any kind of stimulant like cocaine or methamphetamines or anything like that. Especially things that make them stay up for days at a time. The other time I have seen that is when someone smoking a ton of marijuana, you can have. Sometimes you can activate an underlying mental health disorder and activate a psychosis or delusion. Then when people are paranoid, particularly, they are very dangerous because whatever they're thinking is very, very, very real to them at that moment. And it may seem like that's crazy. How could they possibly think that? How could they possibly believe that? But you don't know what they're thinking. You don't know how they're reasoning. And you cannot reason with someone in this state. When people are paranoid, they're very dangerous because they feel under threat. And we're all capable of hurting other people, especially when we feel like we're protecting ourselves. You know, they may not even think that you're you. They may think that, you know, someone else is pretending to be you, but it's like some kind of bad guy who's intending to hurt them or something like that. And I know it just seems far out, and it's hard to even, like, take someone seriously when they're in that state because it seems so unreasonable. But I just want you to know, in that moment, it's real to them, and you need to take it seriously. You know, they could decide that you are going to harm them. They could decide that you're trying to harm their children or their family, and things can escalate and become very, very, very dangerous from that point. So please do not ignore these kind of behaviors. Whether there's a substance involved or not, These type of behaviors indicate trouble. They are major warning signs. They indicate that bad things could happen or that the situation is escalating. And even if you see these behaviors from someone who's not using a substance, I'm telling you, take them seriously. It's just that if you add a substance on top of it now, you're really not dealing with someone in the rational state of mind. Another one that I didn't put on the list, but I just happen to think of, is if you're dealing with someone who's in withdrawal, they're really desperate, they're in pain, their anxiety through the roof, like in there, in this state of like, I have to get the drug. People can be very unpredictable in that kind of state, too. Not everyone. I'm not saying everyone that does substance is violent. Or dangerous. But what I am saying is people can be really unpredictable and even someone who's never been violent or dangerous before can become that way. If there's a serious addiction or someone's really under the influence, they're just not themselves. They're not operating with their same filter. And so you always have to take it seriously. Have you guys ever, like, seen these babies? Have you ever done these? Like, if you're in recovery, maybe you think back and you're like, oh, my gosh, yes. I was like delusional and I thought this and, you know, I was having these crazy thoughts. Let me know your experience with this. Whether you've been on the receiving side or the giving side, either which way, because it helps all of us to really understand the thinking. So if you've been in it, tell us what was going through your mind at the time. Tell us what you were thinking and why you were thinking it. To help everyone else that's out there looking at these comments and chats really sort of wrap their head around it. While you guys do that, I'm going to go through here and say hello to some people. And if you have a question or a comment and you're watching live, feel free to put that up there, there. And I will try to address that. If you're watching on the replay, you can definitely always leave your question down in the comments below and I'll try to get to as many of those as possible. Let's see here. Linda. Hey, Linda. Linda says this is her first live chat. We're glad you're here. Debbie Hammond Allen. I've seen your name a lot. It says don't meet their aggression with aggression. Oh, man. That's a great piece of advice, Debbie. Do not try to match them. It is hard. If someone's coming at you, you naturally, you get defensive, right? It hits your instinctual, reflexive buttons in your head, but you're not dealing with reasonable. So the more you escalate it with your tone, with your body language. If they're threatening you and you're threatening them back, you're really only playing into it and you're putting fire with fire and it's not going to end up good. Hey, Mr. And Luann. And let's see. Oh, Terry says that she was able to catch the live and she's never been on live before. Hey, I'm glad that you're here. Hey, Sandy and Angela, Linda, James. See what James has to say. James says, agree with everything. It's just the in the moment. But Awful for everyone around you. Yes, absolutely. The case. It's in the moment, even people that have been, been there and done these things, when they look back, you know, they. They're really upset with themselves. They can't believe they thought that and they really regret it. But in that moment, if you're dealing with someone who tends to get aggressive, violent, intimidating when they get intoxicated, you cannot ignore that. If you have that living in your house and they're still actively using and you think, oh, it's just, you know, they're not going to do that anymore, or they promise or this or that, as long as they're actively continuing to engage in, in that substance abuse, it is highly likely to happen again. Because usually people kind of have patterns. People get angry when they drink. They get angry when they drink. Like, end of story. Like if they keep drinking, they're going to keep getting angry. Don't lie to yourself and tell yourself that it's not going to keep happening because it will keep happening. And not only does it keep happening, but it tends to escalate and get worse and worse in nature. Doesn't even just stay stable. It gets bigger and bigger. Renee says, this is something that I'm really having to work on. Yes, this is a boundary that you cannot ignore. And you guys know, all of you guys that watch my videos, you guys know that I'm all about helping support someone through addiction. I don't believe that you have to like automatically throw them out. But these things that we're talking about here today, these are like non negotiables, right? You can love someone and support someone and help them through addiction, but if you're dealing with aggressive, threatening, intimidating behavior, it's just not okay. And allowing someone to behave that way isn't helping them. Because once they get better, once they do start to get in recovery, they're really going to hate themselves for that. So you're not doing yourself or them any favors by letting that kind of behavior continue. Pamela says, I have not been my rational self when dealing with my addict. I felt out of control and I was afraid of what I might do. It pushed every red alert button. So it's such a great piece of feedback that you're giving us, Pamela. Because Pamela's talking about how even as the family member, you're not in your own rational, sane mind. Because things, especially when it's been going on for a long time and there's been a lot of gaslighting or there's a lot of aggression or arguing, you're not in your right mind either. And that's another reason to leave the situation because you can say, I don't even trust myself to respond to that without escalating it. So I feel like that's really great insight and wisdom that Pamela's sharing with you there. Sue says you have to understand that they are out of their mind. That is correct. And when someone is out of their mind, they're capable of pretty much anything. Mr. Says, I've been through all of it. I have my own mental illness, though, so I can't tell when I'm within reason. So it's just a scary situation. I keep praying. So that's Mr. Saying. Even having been in that state of mind is scary for the person too. And it's hard even if you know you've had that in the past. It's hard to know, like, whether it's real or not real or you're being rational or not rational in that moment. Anissa says, my first live chat with you stumbled across your videos and love them. Hey, glad to have you here. Welcome to our little community. Anissa. Mona says, exactly what I'm going through now, Elizabeth says that is domestic violence addict, under the influence or not is recommended to remove yourself from situation, not de escalate because of danger. And domestic violence, it escalates over time. Working for DV for decades. That's right, Elizabeth. It escalates. Right. It may start with throwing things or breaking things. It may start with a shove and then it goes to a hit and then it goes to restraining. And it really does get bigger and bigger and bigger over time. So please do not ignore it. Luanna says it's difficult to see someone in withdrawals and they need it to stop the shakes. Yes. And when someone's in that desperate state, they can do desperate things. Some of you guys know that. I like to watch True crime, like on YouTube and I was watching on Hulu yesterday morning, I was watching some kind of videos, like, I can't remember, like guilty or Innocent. It's like people who were going to trial and I was like, did they really do it or they didn't or okay, they did it, but should they be found guilty? Anyways, one of the ones that I was watching yesterday morning was this guy. He had been addicted to opiates, but he'd went to rehab and gotten off of him. But his wife was still addicted to heroin, had been using every day. They had a small son and she would get really, really, really violent with him, especially when she was in withdrawal. So it was really like an abusive sit. It ended up that he shot and killed her. And so he was like going to court for this. But you. They had the. Because they had video surveillance in their house. It was all recorded, like every bit of it. And you could see that she was just like hitting him, threatening him with a bat, hitting him over and over and over. He was just trying to get her to calm down and he ended up shooting her. He was very. You could tell that it was an abusive situation. You could tell that it happened many times before. You could tell that he was scared. But he ended up having to take a deal and do three years in prison for that. So I'm telling you, don't take this lightly. Realize that if it's happening, it's going to happen again and you're going to put yourself in a situation where you might do something irrational or dangerous or they're going to push you over the edge. So please take it seriously. Mariah says my daughter's father is extremely reliant on marijuana for anxiety. I believe it contributes to serious mental health problems. How do I deal with delusions and accusations and constant gaslighting? That's a really good question, Mariah, and I know it. You know, people like to defend marijuana all the time, but. But the thing of it, the truth of it is is that the chances of having some kind of psychotic episode or delusion or break when you use marijuana goes up. Even if you use a little bit, your chances go up. If you use a lot, it goes way up. So I've seen this a ton of times and I do have a video, Mariah, about how to deal with delusions particularly. That might be, that might be helpful for you that you may want to check out. Debbie says, I went through this with my 19 year old and had to involve law enforcement. Fighting off feeling guilty about having him arrested is hard work. But you have to keep telling yourself that safety's first. That's exactly right. You deal with if there's a safety issue that comes first and foremost and then what's therapeutic and then everything else underneath that. So you have to do what you have to. You are not helping them by allowing it to escalate to violence. Nancy I've learned to zip it, lock it and put it in my pocket. I like it. Linda says for reference and anyone else, husband has threatened suicide if I didn't give him money. When I told him I was going to call 91 1, he said he'd do it before they arrive. What to do in a situation like this, you alert authorities. It's one of those situations where you feel like, you know, they're probably just saying it to manipulate, which by reading what Linda said, they probably are just trying to manipulate. But either which way, you don't want to guess, and you don't want to guess wrong. And so like I said, I have a whole video about it, but basically it's someone's threatening to hurt themselves, you take it seriously, and you call authorities out there to make sure that they're okay. That is the safest thing to do. Don't. If you allow that kind of behavior to blackmail you into things and force you into things, like if C says, if you don't give me money, I'm gonna kill myself, then you've really just, like, positively reinforce that behavior. And you can guarantee the next time they want money, they're going to do it again and again. So you think, okay, I'm just going to, like, make this go away this one time. But. But you can rest assured, if you've just given into that behavior, it's going to come back. So for safety reasons, for therapeutic reasons, you. You need to do what you need to do, which is get the authorities involved and keep someone else and yourself safe. Linda says, awesome point. Someone in withdrawal is definitely not themselves the right. They're in a very desperate spot. And I forgot to mention that little show I was watching. It turns out that the wife that ended up. He shot her. Whatever. She was in withdrawal that morning. They were supposed to get up, go to appointment, and he had gotten up and said, like, hey, we're running late. We gotta get ready. But she didn't have her fix and she was not in the right setting. It's just a bad, sad, terrible situation for. For everyone involved. And I really just feel like you cannot let these behaviors go. I talk to people all the time, especially parents who have a kid who's addicted, and they're allowing abusive behaviors to happen because they're scared of what's going to happen if I put them out, what's going to happen if I call the law. But I'm telling you something bad is going to happen if you don't do something. Because clearly it's escalating. It's happening over and over and over again. So it's like you're trying to avoid this bad thing, but you're really ensuring that something bad is going to happen. You're not protecting them by allowing it to go on and then just hoping that that behavior Goes away. Hey, Connie. And Michelle. Mr. Says, I don't think authorities know how to handle these situations. Personally, I do agree they should be called regardless. One thing you can do depends on where you live. But in most cities these days you can actually ask for like if you have to call the police or something, you can ask for a mental health trained police officer because these days there's specific training that a lot of police officers go through and even like EMS and stuff like that to deal with mental health crises and they're better equipped to try to de escalate a situation or talk to someone. So if you've ever got to call the authorities, you can definitely ask for that. I can't assure you that there's one available, that they're coming, that your city has them, but I'm telling you a lot of times they are and tell them when you call, this is a mental health situation. I'm concerned, you know, the person isn't thinking rationally and that will help them know exactly what they're walking into. Let's see. B. Says my brother's in recovery and has an awful temper. Seems crabby most of the time. Right. And someone in early recovery might be irritable and crabby and difficult to be to get along with, which is not pleasant. And you may choose not to be around that. But being irritable and crappy doesn't necessarily indicate like violence or aggression unless it goes to one of these levels like we're talking about like throwing things, breaking things, pushing threatening behaviors, serious rage. Some of that, that's a whole different level in bogging that you should, should never take lightly. Thank you so much everyone who joined us. We will be on here live next week. And up next for you, I have some more videos on dealing with physical abuse and a video on dealing with emotional abuse that will give you even more information and tips on exactly what to do in this situation. And if you find you're in a situation like this regularly and you can't seem to get out of it and you really need some help, you are always free to call and schedule a session with one of our family recovery students strategies or strategist specialists and we can help you maybe figure out how to devise a plan to get yourself in a safe place. Thanks everybody. See you next time.