Amber Hollingsworth explains splitting, a manipulation tactic where addicts turn family members against each other by playing good cop and bad cop. She walks through real examples: parents divided over stolen money, friends arranged to buy alcohol, and how families can stay unified to stop it.
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Well, hey there, and welcome to part three in our series on how addicts and alcoholics manipulate their families and everyone else around them. So for those of you who don't know me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Hope for Families Recovery center, where myself and my team untangle the mess that addiction makes in families every single day. I've been working with addicts and alcoholics for the past 15 years, and I'm using all that information and secret inside knowledge to help you conquer addiction once and for all so you can actually get yourself sanity back and get your life back on track. Okay, so manipulation tactic number three is a biggie. So listen up, families, because I can almost guarantee this is happening to you. Number three is what clinical people, you know, like counselors, call splitting. It's where the person keeps people either separate or even better, angry at each other. If you've got a kid addicted to drugs and alcohol, they'll definitely split the two parents apart. One of them is gonna be being the bad cop, and one of them is being a good cop. If you haven't watched this video, check it out, because it's all about that. And believe me, even if it's an adult that's the addicted one, they will have the people around them conflict about how to deal with them. They're gonna have somebody feeling sorry for them and somebody being mad at them, and he's gonna know how those two people feel about each other and for sure is gonna be pressing those buttons. Because if addiction can keep you apart and separated, it is winning. The very first step to conquering addiction is for the family to get lined up. What life was like between you and your parents when you were in active addiction.
So my mom was always. I mean, she loved me so much that she. Once she. Once the window was open that she knew what was going on. It was hard for me to live with her because she was always helicoptering over me and. And I didn't like that. And if I'm looking at, like, my family dynamic and how my parents went about handling me, my mom was. Was the hands on approach. She was always the one wanting to drug test me. She was always the one searching my stuff. She was always the one.
She was like the bad cop.
She was the bad cop. She was, you know, where were you? You don't look okay, you know, but my dad. So naturally, like, I gravitated more towards my dad, who was more of the. Not that he didn't care. They both loved me, and they still love me to this Day. But my dad was more along the lines of, you know, he's gonna do what he wants, and there's nothing that I can do to stop him. And if I'm being honest, when I was in that state, you know, there really wasn't anything either of them could do. And so naturally, I gravitated more towards my dad, and we were living amicably together in his apartment, and he got sick, and. And it got to the point where my mom and dad were living back together again. And this was on the heels of them separating for a little bit, but they're back together again. And I was actively using, and it was really thrown off my life because, like I said, when it was just my dad and me, you know, I could do what I want, and there was no questions asked.
So you were probably ticked when I got back together.
I was, but it was okay because. Because I like to do everything. And I knew that my mom probably had stuff that I could steal. And so it was bad when we were living together because I couldn't get away with anything. But it almost made it even worse because I was constantly trying to steal her stuff.
This is essential at Hope4Families. This is what we start working on from day one. I tell families, I'd rather you make a wrong decision and be united than to make a split decision, because not being on the same page makes a lot of room for addiction to squirm its way right in there and make a nest. I mean, it is prime conditions. It's like the addiction is going to be up in there with, like, a mini fridge and snacks because it knows the coast is clear for a long time. So step number one, get on the same page if you don't know how to do that. We've got some videos on that.
I could definitely get more of a reaction out of my mom for her to kind of act crazy and do these wild things to catch me and then go to my dad and, you know, convince him that, like, oh, she's. You know how she is.
She's just crazy.
She's all up my butt. And for a while, it worked. And then I think my dad just, at least when he was talking to me would just be like, they got on a united front for sure, where even if he didn't know about it, he'd just be like, I don't know anything about that, but we're not going to talk about it. You know, I'm not gonna have an opinion about that.
Wasn't gonna be sucked into it.
Exactly. And Once he did that, I mean, that took a lot of my power away.
Then you had to get new tactics.
Yeah, and that's where you just pivot to the next manipulation tactic.
And if you think you need a little individualized help on that, you can always schedule a strategy session with one of our specialists. Because, see, here's the deal. The family and the friends have all the puzzle pieces. It's just a matter of putting them together. You see, one person knows that they gave them 20 bucks the other day for some reason, and the other person doesn't know that, so they get 20 bucks from that person, too. Addicts and alcoholics work really hard to make sure the people in their life don't communicate, because if that happens, the whole house of cards is coming down on their head.
More separate. I could keep everybody, the more control I'd have on them as far as being the puppet master. But if they all got in a room and started talking, then all my house of cards would come crumbling down. They'd be like, oh, he didn't do that. The other day he told me he was with you. Oh, he wasn't with you, and he wasn't with you either. Then what was really going on? You gave him $20, too. He asked me for $20 that day. And it's like, then all my stuff is ruined.
You're done for it.
But if I can keep them split and possibly even angry at each other, then that's where I can manipulate the best.
I mean, this can even be at work between co workers and family members, between friends and families, between spouses. The addict and the alcoholic is going to tell a different version of the story to get the result or the feedback that they want. And you know what? I know you know what I'm talking about. Let me know in the comments below how that's happened in your situation.
I chose Atlanta over Greenville. A, because I was mad at dad, but B, because I had been in Chicago. Mom was so happy to have me close by. She was also oblivious, you know, and what she wasn't oblivious to, she was blinded by love to, you know, so I could get away with one, whatever. And so I would plan out these, these trips where, you know, I'd get all my friends to, to get weekend passes to come to my mom's house and where we were going to get alcohol, who was going to buy it and who, you know, who had. Who had cash that week and who owed from last week. And I was just. I really remember, like, going to great lengths to figure out how we're going to get alcohol. I think a lot.
Okay, families, you have just taken a huge step in getting your own power and control back because you're not going to let splitting work on you any more. But, hey, that was only manipulation tactic number three. And there are at least four more, so I'm going to put them right over here for you to watch next.
