A YouTube video by Amber Hollingsworth addressing mothers who suspect their child has a drug or alcohol problem. The speaker describes a common family dynamic where mothers sense the problem early, become the ‘bad guy’ confronting the child, and spouses minimize it; she advises backing away so the other parent can recognize the issue, realign parental roles, and present unified decisions before addressing the addiction itself.
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Listen up, moms. If you're out there and you've got a kid doing drugs and alcohol and you're completely frustrated with your husband because he doesn't want to back you up and can't seem to support your parenting decisions, this video is for you. Okay, so let me first start by explaining this so super common dynamic. We see this every single day in our office and it's almost always this way. I'd say maybe 90% of the time, the other 10% is the same dynamic and situation just reversed. Okay, so here's what typically happens if you've got a kid with a drug or an alcohol problem, whether that's a really advanced problem or a budding problem just beginning. You see, moms are just biologically hardwired up in sync with their kids. You know when they're babies and you know what cry means. What? And you know exactly when they're sick and you can just tell when the smallest little thing is off. Well, even though they're bigger, you still have that radar. And so when something's going on with a kid, the mom usually senses it. They know they can. Maybe they can't explain exactly what it is, but they know something is wrong. It's like the warning bells are just going off like crazy in their head non stop. And because of that, they start to investigate the situation because they know something's wrong and they want to find out what it is. Now this situation can build into a big, giant major problem in a household because mom's warning bells are going off. She's investigating what's going on with this kid, which usually leads to a lot of stuff. Spying and arguing and nagging and threatening and all kinds of really reactive behavior from the mom because you know something's wrong. You keep trying to address the problem, but every time you do, your kid turns around. They act like you're the crazy one, you're overreacting. No one else's mom is like this and they sort of put it back on you. And then you go to your husband and he tells you things like, oh, boys will be boys, or I did that when I was a teenager, or you know, know it's just a phase, don't worry about it. They minimize it in some way. So you're trying to address it with your kid, they're telling you it's you. You're trying to address it with your spouse, and they're telling you that it's really just a phase. But deep down inside, you know something is bad wrong and you Just can't turn those warning sirens off in your head. So now you're on a mission. You're. You're on a mission to prove that something wrong really is bad wrong. So now you're investigating harder and you're looking through and you're snooping and you're finding things and you're confronting the kid harder. And the harder you confront the kid, the more that kid is arguing with you and telling you it's all your fault and being completely irrational at times. And the more you and your kid are arguing like this, the more the spouse really just wants all the arguing and the tension and everything to go away. The way that they deal with that is they continue to try to make you feel better by minimizing the situation. So they'll say, oh honey, you know, he's gonna grow out of it, you know, and they minimize, or they say it's really not that big of a deal. And so the more your spouse comes at it like that, the more frustrated you get and the harder you look and the more you try to prove what's really going on, you're trying to prove to yourself and to your spouse. But the more you do that, the more reactive you become and the more problems you're gonna have. You see, at hover families, the first thing we do is we identify which of the parents are in this, what I call the bad guy role. And the very first thing we have to do to get a situation better is get that person. Usually the mom could be the dad, but I guarantee one of you is in that role is to get that person out of the bad guy role. And I know most of the time when parents come to us, they're like, we need help, you know, making unified decisions and all that kind of stuff. But the first thing that has to happen is we have to get that the good cop parent, the one that's maybe minimizing it or doesn't see it as that big of a problem, to see that it's a problem. So before you can even get the kid to see it's a problem, you gotta allow your spouse to see it. And in order to do that, you've got to back up out of the situation a little bit. If you haven't watched my video called Drop the Rope, it's a really good one, It'll explain this philosophy in a lot more detail. But basically, if you sort of back out of this role that you have ongoing with the kid, the kids behavior will continue. It'll escalate. They'll get in more trouble, but you won't be yelling and screaming and being the bad guy. And then guess what happens Naturally, the spouse, the other spouse starts to step into that role and see it as a problem. You see, it's like it's blocking the kids point of view. It's blocking the kid from seeing that they have a problem because it's like you're a distraction or with your anger and frustration. And it could be blocking your spouse's ability to see what's going on, especially if you're the primary caretaker in the house. You know, I can't tell you how many times we see this dynamic. You have got to get the roles back lined up. In our office. We tell parents, I'd rather you make the wrong decision united than to make a split decision. Because you can pretty much guarantee that a kid is going to continue to do what they're doing if the parents are not on the same page. And I know most of you are thinking it means that good cop over there who's got his head in the sand needs to come up and join the one that's really seeing it. But usually before you can even get that to happen, good cops got to back down and get out of that bad cop role so that everyone can see that it's a problem. And it's not just you being reactive and crazy and hormonal or whatever everybody wants to call it. Listen, I know you're not crazy. I know that you know something is wrong. I'm the biggest believer in mom gut feeling that you're ever going to meet. Parent comes and tells me something's wrong, they may not have any evidence whatsoever. I'm going to believe them because they know what's up. They know if that kid is breathing different, if their voice sounds different, if they're walking different, they notice the smallest little changes and they're so perceptive. I know you're picking up on those signals. So I'm not telling you that your warning system is off. I'm telling you that your warning system is shouting so loudly that no one else can see the problem. So you almost have to back up, let other people see it for themselves, get your spouse on board, and then you can start making some progress. This is the exact kind of thing that we help families with at Hope4Families every day. You've got to fix the dynamic before you can even begin to get to the center of that problem. So step number one, get on the same parenting page. If you or a loved one has a drug or alcohol problem. And you don't want to waste a lot of time and money doing all the wrong things. Save yourself the heartache. Subscribe to this channel, and I'll make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction.
