Advice For Families Of Addicts and Alcoholics

Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for joining our live today. We have a really, really good one for you. We're going to talk about the four things that families focus on that inadvertently, like, slow down the recovery process. And families, they do this for all the best intentions. It's not a, it's not a malicious thing. They think they're doing the right thing. But unfortun, most family members make this mega mistake. And honestly, it just cost a lot of time, money, energy that you can't really get back. And ultimately it slows down the recovery process. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I am Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor and founder of Hope for Families Recovery Center. And this is Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated exclusively for giving you the for helping you understand the psychology of addiction so that you can outsmart it so that you can beat addiction and get your life back on track. We want you living your best life. And this particular episode is specifically for family members. So if you have a loved one that's got a drug or alcohol problem, stay tuned. If you know someone else who, who's in that situation, who might could benefit from watching this live, please share it out. It's my goal to spread recovery faster than addiction is spreading, and I really need your help to get that done. So if you know someone, if you belong to a family Facebook group or something like that that's, that's related to this issue, please feel free to share. Or maybe you just know one specific person and you're like, oh, I know this. And they really need to hear this topic. So feel free to send that on. And I believe we have chat on, so feel free to talk with me as we go through these four things that families focus on. Okay, so let's get into it. I'm going to give you the four things and then after I give you those, I'm going to tell you what would be better things to focus on. And I want to give you four of those. So we're going to have four things to start stop spending all your time and energy on. And four things to start putting more time and energy on. And you can sort of expedite this whole process. I like to say you pretty much have to go through all the stages of addiction and recovery with people, but you can speed it up. Can't really skip any of those stages, but you can fast track it. And I'm going to tell you how to do that. So make sure you watch this whole live video. And at the end I'm going to tell you about some additional resources that you can put in place that will take even fast track you like that much more. Alright, so thing number one and I mean we see this like all the time. I can't tell you how often we see this. I took a couple of phone calls last week of clients who we don't really see in the office, but they're like more like consultation calls where they were asking us some questions and getting some help about what to do about their situation. And this was, this was like I saw this so many times last week. I guess that's what got it on my mind and made me want to share it with you today. So the first one let's talk about is school and or work. So if this is your child that you're worried about with a drug or alcohol problem, it might be school or college or something like that. If it's your spouse or it's an adult or maybe it's your parent, then you might be focused on their work. And especially parents I see make this mistake and it's huge. It's so natural for us to focus on those things because those are the things that normally you should focus on, like schoolwork, family, those kind of things. But in addiction what happens is the family becomes preoccupied with the kid, like passing their grade or graduating college or not getting further behind. Or the family focuses on, you know, they don't want the person to lose their job because if they lose their job, it's kind of like freaked out because it's like, you know, if they lose their job, then you're going to have to pay for something or be put in a tight spot that you don't really want to be in. And it's just going to be kind of crappy and essentially you're going to get in a rock and a hard place. So I can understand why we focus on those things, but the problem is we focus on them so hard that we keep putting all of our energy into trying to make that work. You know, getting tutors or covering for the person or making sure they have rides to work or whatever it is. We put all of our energy because we don't want them to lose this thing because we think, oh my gosh, if they could just get this together, maybe we could get on track. And that's the key. What it really is here is it's a form of denial. It's the denial that the family has. It's this, if we could just get this one thing, we could get on track. But what you end up doing is you probably end up surrounding them and supporting them and giving them enough to make school or work work longer. So usually I say no matter what you do, you can like stand in front of the train and you might can slow it down, but you're not going to stop it. So if you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic, they're going to sabotage it. Like, trust me, they're going to mess it up, and there's nothing you can do about it. But oftentimes families, they do so much and they just try to let the person hang on to those things for as long as possible. Because it's just this belief of like, okay, if we could just graduate college, you know, maybe we could get out of. They would get away from those bad influence friends. They wouldn't be the fraternity or sorority anymore, and things will be okay. It's just not gonna work that way. And if you would just back up and let those things fall, we'll get to recovery faster. Because what happens is think about it like this. Like, if you have a high schooler and you're constantly on them about their grades and you logging into the parent portal all the time. Do y' all have parent portal where you're at? Let me know that in chat here. We're in Greenville, South Carolina. They have parent portal, which I think is the worst thing thing ever. So basically you can log into the parent portal. It's like the icloud for the iPhone or something. And you can see everything your kid's doing. Like, did they turn in their homework, what they made on their quiz, you know, all their assignments. And the family, like obsesses about it. So mom and dad stay on the kids case and they're like, you got that seat time to do? Do y' all have that seat time here? It's like if you miss too many days, you have to go on Saturday and make up the time seat time. So it's like mom and dad stay on the person. So trying to make sure that they do that so that they get that grade, whatever it is. But what ends up happening is it makes the other person think. The person with dragon alcohol problem makes them think like that their life is manageable, that they got it on track because at the last minute they're squeaking by. You know, they made a D minus in past or whatever it was. It's like you're holding it together for them long enough that they can squeak through those things longer, which just gives them the impression that their life is manageable now. You know that behind the scenes, if you weren't on their case every single second and like basically like walking them up to work or school or whatever it is, that that would fall apart. But they're not gonna, they're not gonna see it that way. They're gonna be mad at you for being on the case all the time. So number two reason why you shouldn't do this is because it makes you the bad guy. And if you know anything about me and this channel, you know how I feel about being the bad guy. That is the number one thing that you gotta stop doing. Do not be the bad guy. Like that's the worst thing you can do. It's the most enabling thing you can do. So you've got to learn to let that school and work fall through. Especially you parents. I'm talking to you. I know in your head. It's like, I can't let them, like they're a senior, like they're three months from graduating or whatever it is. And you're just like, I have to get them through this. I'm telling you, it feels like it all the time. Feels like just going to get them through this one spot because this is really important. But every single thing that you delay the next thing, the consequence is bigger. So let's say you get them through high school just by the skin of their teeth and they get into college. Well, first of all, now you got a drug addict in college. Like this a bad plan. Think about it. Like this is not going to go well. Like not good at all. And then so you got them through. Now you've done paid a whole bunch of money for college and now they're gonna fail out. You probably should have let it fail out in high school or, you know, they failed out three semesters of college and you're like, this is the final one and if you don't pass this one, like they're gonna kick you out of school. And so you rally in behind them. I'm telling you, you're just prolonging it. Don't do that. Now listen closely while you don't do that. Listen, I'm telling you. Listen, listen. You're not allowed to say any I told you so. You're not allowed to say any like little like passive aggressive comments. I call it like a drive by knifing. It's kind of like that thing you say just in passing. It's like if you'd have done what I told you to, you know, you wouldn't have been in that situation or whatever. Like none of that, because that puts you in the bad guy role. So make sure a hundred percent you let it fall. But you be the book, but you be the good guy. That is the key. All right, number two thing is it's those other external things like friends, car sports, the phone, all of those other things that families think if I control this, maybe that'll make the problem go away. You know, sometimes it's like if I take their car, if I take their phone, if I make sure they don't hang out with those particular friends. And this is for adults too. It's not. This is not just parents and kids. This is for spouses and adults. We think if we can control those external things, you can control this problem. And you cannot win, you cannot win this problem externally. And that's where the family gets focused. They get focused on trying to deal with the symptoms of the problem. The friends, the phone, the failing school, the getting fired from job after job after job. We get so focused on trying to control all that that we miss the point. The point is that you're dealing with a person that has an addiction. And for that addiction to go away, it's an inside job. There's a whole bunch of inside work that's going to have to happen. Now I'm a big believer in multiple pathways, so I don't think like it has to happen this way or has happened that way. I just think it has to happen. So it can happen for people at church, it can happen for people in treatment, it can happen for people in AA or na, it can happen for people in counseling, whatever. But there's some deep stuff in here that's going to have to be addressed. You ready for number three? This is a biggie. This is a biggie. Number three is the money. Families fixate on the money and they try to control the money because, well, for one, like you've been hearing for your whole life, everyone's on you, like, don't give them money. That's enabling. And those of you who've been watching my videos for a while, you know how I feel about that. Like, yes, money is enabling, but being a bad cops, way more enabling than the money. So it feels like if I can control the money, if I can watch every penny that they're spending, if I can see the bank account, if I can make them bring me receipts, if I don't give them money, it's all of these money things that we feel like if I can control them, then I'll get this problem under control. You see, you've got to, like, reverse your thinking here. You need to stop trying to control the symptoms. In fact, you need to let the symptoms escalate and get worse so that you can get the person to focus on fixing the inside problem. So let's move on to number four. Number four thing. And now you don't think I'm crazy? You're gonna be like, okay, Amber, like, I was following you on those, but you crazy on this one. The number four thing is families try to control the drug or alcohol use. And you're like, amber. And that was supposed to be doing. Are we supposed to be helping them get sober? Well, you are, but trying to control or monitor or find the drugs and alcohol is never going to get you there. Because even the drugs and alcohol in my book is one of those external symptoms. It is not the problem. And you're never, ever gonna be good enough, smart enough, fast enough to stay ahead of it. Like, I'm telling you, we have a group of parents that come to our office. We call them the CSI moms. And I mean, they're good. Like, they have black lights in their purses. Like, they are seriously good. But you're not gonna be good enough to stay ahead of it because they're sneaky. It's all they ever think about. Like, their whole life is consumed by it. You can have them on lockdown in your house, on house arrest, and I guarantee you they're gonna have it delivered. So you can't try to control it by trying to control the drug or alcohol use. Now, a lot of times, what's going on with family when they do that is. Well, half of it is they're trying to control the drug or alcohol use. And the other half of it is they're trying to prove they're not crazy, because the family knows they're doing it, but the person is denying it. So they're, like, looking and spying and trying to find it here and there and everywhere. Because they're trying to be like, I knew you were doing that. I knew. I'm not crazy. And what I always say to families is, like, if you know they're doing it, then just trust your instinct. Because if you tell me they're doing it, I'm gonna believe that they're doing it. I don't care what the drug screen says. I don't care what the person says. Like, you know, your loved one. So you do not have to look for that evidence. Plus, it's just not Gonna do you any good. So here's what you should be focusing on. What you're really looking for is for the person to have a spiritual shift of some sort. It's not even about the person not using drugs and alcohol. Like, that's not even it. Like a lot of people that we see in our office can go for periods of time without using any drugs or alcohol. Some of them can go for months. That's not the thing. The thing that you really need to happen is for something inside to have a big time change. We know when someone's really getting recovery, when they start changing as a person, when they start looking at things differently, feeling things, feeling their feelings about things change. Like their behavior changes. It's a extreme makeover. It's like, it's like if you're gonna like redo a house, you gonna take it down as a foundation and build it back up. So you're looking for more than those little things. Now there's a lot of ways to get that to happen, but you just need to know that's the thing that you're looking for. It's not even that they're completely. It's not even that they're like off the substances. In recovery, there's this old terms called being dry. And it basically means someone like an alcoholic doesn't have the alcohol. I can remember a friend told me, like they said something about like, what's the saying? You can, you can get an alcoholic horse thief sober, but they're still a horse thief. And so it's the idea that if you take the alcohol out, that doesn't really mean they're in recovery. A lot of times you take the alcohol out inside the person's mind, they're miserable, they're just counting down the days until they can do it again. Or they're thinking about what other substance they can do, or sneaking around, or how on vacation they're going to do it or whatever. And so they may not be having the drug in them at the moment, but this inside isn't changed enough that we'll sustain that long term. So we're looking to create long term sustainable recovery. So here are some things that maybe would be better to focus on. What you want to see is that the person and this isn't something the family can do. There's some things the family can do that might make the environment more conducive for this to happen. But what we look for, what I look for in the spiritual shift is that the person can let go of the Control. And not just let go of trying to control their drug or alcohol use, but in a bigger way, like, let go of trying to control what everyone thinks about them. Let go of trying to control the outcome of every situation. Because when you struggle with a substance abuse problem for a long time and you get so used to doing, I call it the tap dance. And I tell my clients, I'm like, if I could envision it, here's what it looks like. It's like they're standing on top of a ball and they're juggling knives, and they're holding a plate on their nose at the same time. And that's the way they live every day. Because they're trying to function the best they can and keep this addiction moving. And it is hard work. And they get so used to trying to control those pieces and make sure this person doesn't know that and make sure this thinks this way of them and all these other things. It's like they're every day and untraining. That is difficult. That's a big part of what we do in our office is like, it's all right. Like, you don't have to control all those things. You can let it go and just accept the outcome as it's going to be. That's tough. But when people start doing that, then you can see that is a major spiritual shift. The next one, I got my list here if you want to. Why I keep looking down. The next one on the list is focusing on relationship. I cannot emphasize enough how important relationship is to recovery. Now I'm working on a series right now that'll be released. It'll probably be a few weeks. I've recorded the first couple of them. But it's about attachment and addiction. And this is the root of addiction. It is attachment, trauma. But I'm not gonna tell you all that because you gotta wait for that series to come out. But the disconnection of relationship is the problem. And unfortunately, when you have a drug and alcohol problem, like, you get more and more and more attached to a substance. You do all these things that burn all the bridges and hurt all of your outside relationships. So you run all these people away. And those relationships are the very things that can heal you. And so it's just going completely in the wrong direction. So it's about making the relationships better. The third thing is helping the person find a sense of meaning and purpose. Because ultimately, you gotta find some reasons why you need to be in recovery that are bigger than just yourself. Because are bigger than just the one person. Because when you have a bad day and you just get to the point, it's like, I don't give a crap about that. Like, you got to have something that matters to you so much that that thing overrides those bad days when you really want to use. Now, that doesn't come right out the gate. You don't have to have that in the beginning. That comes a little bit further down the line. But I'm trying to help you see what the spiritual shift looks like. Like, these are the things that we're looking for in our clients that tell us they're on the right track or they're not on the right track. And then lastly, as a result of those three things, the person has an increased sense of self. They start to feel better about who they are because finally they're getting their behavior lined up with their value system and they're treating their relationships right. And they're doing something in this world that contributes to something bigger than themselves. And they're not constantly trying to control everything around them. Because of that, they develop a more secure, confident sense of self. Now, I know all those things, even they sound good, like roses and rainbows. Sounds like something counselors would say. But even on a deeper level than that, we'll go into it in another video, but that those things are changing the brain chemistry and it's fixing the very brain chemistry problem that's causing the drug addiction. So it's not just on an emotional level, it's on a deep, hardwiring, brain, biological level. The reason why these things need to happen this way. Now, if you are worried about a loved one with a drug and alcohol problem, and you want a more step by step approach on how to get those four things more into alignment, then I want to invite you to consider being a part of our invisible intervention program. And right now you can sign up for that at a much reduced price as a beta test person. So what that means is, is that we're gonna let you in that program. We're gonna give it to you for a way reduced price with the, with the. I don't know what the word is, but we want you to give us like feedback about it. We want you to tell us what's working right, what's not working right, how we can improve it, what part of our message, clearly and what's not. Because when we do this in office, it's so much easier because we get that real time feedback from the person and we know what they need. And even though we know These are the pieces that you need. It's hard for us to tell on video. Like, is it working? Like, are you getting it? Are we saying it wrong? Are we missing a big chunk that we're not addressing? So we really need people to give us that feedback. Now. We've already got several beta testers in the program right now and we're already getting some really good feedback. One of the pieces of feedback that I got is there were several people that wanted to be in the invisible intervention program. But they were like, man, that's expensive. And even though it's less than the cost of one session with us, if you're in a household, especially if it's like another adult that has a drug or alcohol problem, your financial situation might be pretty tough because that's sort of symptomatic of the problem, right? So what we've done is the course to be a beta Tester is like $97, I think. And so because we've gotten that feedback several times, what we've done is we've broken that down. So if people want to make payments, they can make payments of $10 a month. I think that's pretty inexpensive. That's about as inexpensive, I think, as you can get for drug and alcohol treatment. Don't think I know of any other drug and alcohol treatment that's less inexpensive. I do feel like it's really important for people to make some level of financial investment in their recovery. It's part of the therapeutic process. It's kind of like paying for a gym that makes you motivated to go, makes you motivated to do it because you're like, I'm paying for this, I might as well do it. It's part of that process of helping. So if you're interested in that, I'll put the link for you. I'll put it in the description and in the comments so that you can go learn more about it, check it out, see if it might be something for you. But essentially what's inside of that is the exact step by step process to helping put those four things back into place. And it helps you. It's going to tell you how to get your person, your loved one, motivated to get sober. We use something called the craft method, which is statistically the most evidence based that you can use. It's 64% successful in and of itself. And that's just one little section of the invisible intervention and there's three other big sections to it. So it's not even just how do I get them to go to treatment or whatever. It's what do I do once they get there? It's how do I get them to treatment? It's what do I do if I think they're going to relapse? It's all these questions, you know, how do you manage money? How do you manage school, work, those other things, those questions that families have. All of that's included in there because we want you to have the exact roadmap. So I'll put that in the description for you and in the comments. If you want to ask me some questions about it, feel free to do that. I will go back and read through all the comments on this live and answer them personally so you can ask questions, you can give me feedback, all that kind of good stuff. Until next time. I'll see you then. Bye. Bye.