Amber Hollingsworth walks through a six-part framework for deciding whether to stay with an addicted or alcoholic spouse. Rate the danger to you and your kids, assess whether your partner wants help, consider if they're worth fighting for beyond the addiction, check if you've tried real interventions, decide if you can work hard while they're still using, and ask yourself if you could forgive them sober.
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Am I just a complete idiot for staying with my alcoholic or addictive spouse? If I think about leaving, I feel guilty and sad and resentful. I feel like there's just no good choice here. And on top of that, I feel like I get all this judgment from everyone around me. The people who know that there's an addiction there, they're judging me for staying. And the people that either don't know there's an addiction or they're in denial about it, they judge me for leaving. The situation is just completely unfair. And really, there's only one halfway decent outcome, and that is if my spouse gets clean and sober and we can live happily ever after. But who knows if that's gonna happen. To be honest with you, I'm really pissed off that I'm even in this situation and having to make this decision. If you can relate to any of that, then you're in the right place. This video is for you. I can give you a decision making framework or way of thinking about this that will help you to make this decision. I. I know you feel really upset with your spouse because this is definitely not what you signed up for. And I can't even tell you whether or not your spouse will for sure fix their problem or not. Honestly, I don't know what the right choice is for you, but I do know that this is a decision that you should not make from an emotional place. The reason you shouldn't make it from an emotional place is because if you're making the decision whether it's to stay or to go from an emotionally reactive place, like you're really happy or you're really sad or you're really helpful or whatever, then you're probably going to take that decision back once that emotion wears off. So I want to help you really think through this logically and objectively. This is going to be kind of like a good old fashioned pros and cons list with a couple of twists and turns because it's a little bit more advanced than that. I'm going to give you six different categories that I want you to think through very, very carefully. And some of those categories are going to be like, negatives, I should go. And some of those categories are going to be like positives, maybe I should stay. Now, if you're married to this person, then, then you may be feeling all mixed up inside because you may be thinking, well, isn't addiction an illness? And didn't I like, make a vow or something to stay through sickness and health or something like that? Am I not committed to stay? Or am I doing the wrong thing by my kids if I do stay? Or am I doing the wrong things by my kids if I leave? It's just so complicated. Now, the first category I want you to think about is I want you to think about how dangerous is their addiction to you and to your kids. So literally, I'm going to give you some little subcategories and I want you to think through each one of these things as it relates to you and then as it relates to your kids or anyone else who may be living in the house with you. Are they dangerous to you financially? As in they're not working or they're barely working? As in they're draining the bank account, as in they're running up crazy credit cards and personal loans. They pose a financial threat to you. Also ask yourself that when it comes to your children, are they a physical danger to you and or your children? And yes, that can be in the form of physical abuse, but that can also come in other forms. Like are they bringing very dangerous people in and out of your house? Are they driving or doing other dangerous activities with you or the kids while they're intoxicated or impaired? Are they emotionally dangerous for you or the kids? Is there constant fighting and screaming? Do they yell, curse, scream and call you bad names regularly? Are the kids scared of them? Are they destroying your self esteem? Are they destroying your sense of safety? These are the kinds of things that would go under the emotionally dangerous category. Now, as you think through each one of those categories, I want you to kind of think about all the factors that fall under each category. And I want you to not just say yes or no, because most of these aren't a yes or no question. But instead of doing that, I want you to think of it like on a 0 to 10 scale, 0 being like it never happens or hardly ever happens, all the way up to 10 being yes, yes, it is dangerous, very dangerous, or extreme. So give it a number. And remember, you want to go through each one of these categories for yourself and for your kid. That's financial, physical and emotional danger. Now the next thing I really want you to think through, it's a little bit different. I want you to think about where Are they in their stages of change? Meaning are they in 100% complete denial or do they have some change talk going on? Have they tried some things to make it better? Are they willing to take some steps to fix things? Do they acknowledge on any level that there is a problem? Do they feel bad about the problems that are being caused because of their addictive behavior. This is all about sort of where they're at in their own insight, knowledge, and willingness. Obviously, these are good signs. So if you're seeing some of these things moving in the right direction, those are things that would kind of go under the Stay column. Now, this next question that I want you to think about. It's going to sound a little bit harsh, but I think it's necessary. I want you to ask yourself, is this person worth fighting for? Now, I know that may seem a little bit harsh, and you may be thinking everyone's worth fighting for, but I really want you to give this some consideration. This actually came up for me when I was talking to. I was doing, like, this family consult for this person. It was like a month or so ago. And they were telling me about their spouse who had an addiction and everything. This was a wife. She told me about the husband. Everything this wife was telling me, I would say, well, were they. Were they good before the addiction? What were they like before the addiction? Did they say all the mean, nasty things before? Were they helpful before? And literally, everything this woman told me made me think this guy wasn't even a good partner before the addiction started. Now, I know that seems really harsh, but you got to be honest with yourself about these things. Like, is what you're saying here is, like, let's say the best case scenario they get sober, and then they rid themselves of this addiction. Is the thing that's left worth going through all the pain and suffering? It's harsh, but you got to think about it. Now, these next three categories or questions are actually more about you. I want you to ask yourself, have you tried everything that you can think of to try and help them? Have you cleaned up your side of the street? Have you given it a good, honest try? Now, I'm not saying you have to be perfect, because that's not possible. I'm just saying have you really tried to make it better? Like, maybe you've done the invisible intervention, or you've done the motivational interviewing techniques, and you've tried to get them to go to counseling, and you've tried positive reinforcement, all that kind of stuff. Have you given it your all? Because I think that's important, but because if you do decide to leave, I don't want you thinking, well, shoulda, coulda, woulda. If you leave, I want you to leave with a solid heart. Because no matter what happens, I want you to feel good about what you did. I want your heart to be full and solid about it, at least as much as possible. The next question is, if your loved one is still in active addiction, are you willing or able to work really hard to help them and work really hard on the relationship, even though it's totally not fair? I know it's not even fair for me to ask you that question, but unfortunately, it's the reality of it. You're probably going to have to work as hard, probably harder than they are, if you want this thing to have a good outcome. And I want you to ask yourself this question. If they do get sober and things turn around, will you be able and willing to forgive them and move forward? Or has there been so much damage done, so much water under the bridge, that you know you are never going to be able to get past it because you do not want to stay with someone when they're clean and sober and you're so hurt and resentful that you can't really ever let them back in and love them. Now, I'm not saying that immediately you should be able to do that. I'm just saying that if you know in your heart that you're never going to get past it and you're always going to be mean and resentful about it, that's understandable. I'm not judging you because of that. I'm just saying it's not worth staying for if you know that no matter what, it's going to keep pulling out all those negative feelings and emotions and behaviors and reactions. Next, I want you to watch this video that I did with Kim, who's the relationship specialist titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?
