Amber Reacts | "Is alcohol ruining my marriage or is it just me?"

Today we're going to be looking at very raw, very unfiltered, but relatable stories about what it's like to be married to a functional alcoholic. I picked these particular stories because it's a perfect example of how alcoholism progresses and how it impacts relationships in ways that are both heartbreaking and eye-opening. Now, these stories are from 3 separate Reddit users, but we're going to look at them in a particular order, sort of like level number 1, level number 2, and level number 3 of what it's like to be living with someone who looks good on the outside, but in reality are falling apart on the inside. These stories capture the pain, fear, and constant questioning, and even the, what I call guilt resentment, which is guilt and resentment at the same time, that come along with loving someone who has a hidden addiction. If you've ever felt like you were walking on eggshells, questioning your own reality, or carrying the weight of someone else's alcohol problem, you're not alone. These stories will hit close to home, but they also help us to unpack what it's really like to be married to a functional alcoholic. And how to start to break free from the cycle. So grab a cup of coffee, settle in, and let's get into it. Story number 1 is called, Is Alcohol Ruining My Marriage or Is It Just Me? Married 9 years. Husband likes to drink, usually drinks alone at the house. He used to drink a beer or 2 daily and a whole lot on weekends and holidays, but after many conversations, cut back. Our last disagreement was a few months back when I went out for dinner with a friend and he stayed home with our toddler son. I came back home around 11 PM and he was completely passed out drunk in bed. My son was safe and sound in the crib, but still unacceptable. After our talk and my I'm ready for a divorce talk, he cut back. Now only drinks on weekends. First it was 2 or 3, but I can see it's creeping back up to 9. It's usually when he's all alone or cooking or doing yard work. Am I crazy or is this a problem? He has alcoholism in his family, so I see this as a red flag, but it could just be me with cloudy judgment because I don't really care about drinking. I also hate to be counting and policing his drinks. I guess I just need an outside perspective. So let's Let's dig through this a little bit. This is a relatively short post, but oh my goodness, does it show us what it's like in those earlier stages of living with a functional alcoholic. It's this sort of alternation between angry, upset, and scared, and then feeling like, well, maybe I'm just overreacting. There's just a lot of back and forth argument in your own head, not to mention the back and forth arguing between you and your spouse. Now, I don't know who this person is. Like I said, this came from Reddit, but after helping people with alcoholism and addiction for more than 20 plus years, I can tell you that what's written Here is a really good example of functional alcoholism. Now, alcoholism really isn't even like the clinical term. It's called alcohol use disorder. But even in these few short sentences, I can immediately see at least 4 criteria of alcohol use disorder. So let me highlight what those are for you. The first thing that stands out is it says he used to drink a beer or 2 and then a whole lot on weekends, which tells me that the drinking has progressed. So one of the criteria for alcohol use disorder is increased tolerance, or you need more of the substance to get the same effect. Or you need to use it for a longer period of time. So let's count that as one of the criteria right there. Now, just so you know, there are 11 total criteria. If you want to know all of them, I have a video about all the criteria. It actually allows you to self-diagnose. I'll link it up here at the end for you. Let's move on to criteria number 2. This statement right here, our last disagreement over it was a few months back. Just from that half of a sentence, it's telling me that there's been a lot of arguments over it. And so this right here meets the criteria that says alcohol is having a negative impact Clearly, it's causing problems in this marriage. And the second half of this sentence shows us criteria number 3, which is, when I went out to dinner with a friend, he stayed home with our toddler son. When I came back around 11 PM, he was completely passed out drunk in the bed. This meets a criteria in alcohol use disorder called using in situations where it's physically hazardous or unsafe. And in this case, if you're the only adult left to care for a toddler being that intoxicated, I think that would count as being physically unsafe. Physically hazardous or unsafe. And finally, criteria number 4 starts with, he cut back. Now he only drinks on weekends. It was 2 or 3, but I can see it creeping back up. It was 9 yesterday. So one of the criteria of alcohol use disorder is repeated attempts to cut back, control, or stop using alcohol. To me, this sentence right here is telling us about this most recent attempt to cut back or control. But when you read the whole context of the paragraph, you can tell there have been other attempts to cut back or So I'm going to count that as criteria number 4. Now, this next one isn't one of the official criteria of alcohol use disorder, but I can tell you as someone whose job it is to help alcoholics, and particularly functional alcoholics, this idea of he's doing it all alone while cooking or doing yard work. Now, obviously I don't know this person, but my guess is that this person is actually drinking a lot more than what this partner knows. A lot of times people in this sort of functional alcohol category, they'll drink and then sort of like be productive at the same time, and it's One of the ways that they're rationalizing, it's not a problem. I'm getting all this stuff done. It's almost like I ate some junk food today, so now I'm going to exercise. It's this kind of rationalization thought process. A lot of that, but also mixed with the, hey, I'm busy away from everybody else doing what I'm going to do and no one's really looking or bothering me. And so now's a good time to drink. Like I said, that's not an official criteria, but it's definitely a symptom in my book. And this next sentence is also not an official criteria, but probably should be. It's the sentence that says, I also hate to be counting and policing his drinking. If your partner is counting and policing your drinking, 100% sure sign, but it's a pretty good sign that there's a problem because it means that your partner's worried about it to the point that they've become hypervigilant about it. So to answer this person's question, this is definitely a problem. It's what I would call stage 3 alcohol use disorder. So in stage 3, it's not always that the person is like Alcohol dependent, meaning they can go for days without drinking, but when they start drinking, they tend to drink too much. It's more like having a hard time stopping once I start. Let's move on to our second story because this one shows us what it's like to be married to a functional alcoholic, you know, just a little bit further down the road than this first one. Story number 2 is called, Is Alcohol Slowly Ruining My Marriage from the Inside? My husband of 20+ years works, cooks most of our meals, and does many household chores. Takes great care of our kids, helps out with his aging parents regularly, and is a supportive and fun companion. He's been very successful in life by almost any standard. But while I moved away from like the casual drinking of our youth, he didn't. And it's damaging our relationship slowly, like rust on a metal ship exposed to the elements day after day. Each day at some point after 4, I notice signs of him being under the influence and I adapt my behavior. I never discuss anything important with him during this time because he's highly likely to forget the conversation. I don't ask him for emotional support or intimacy because it just feels wrong to me, like he's a stranger. I find him annoying to be around when he's past a certain point, and so I avoid him or suggest things like watching a family movie, though he usually falls asleep immediately while watching TV when he's been drinking more heavily. Holidays are worse, with an excuse to drink even more heavily, to drink even more heavily and start earlier. And weekends, well, to a lesser extent. Days after a heavier drinking day, he's irritable, so I avoid him then too. There's no alcohol-free days ever. The kids see that their dad has a few drinks each day, but they don't seem to notice that he's foggy-headed or louder later in the day than earlier. He tends toward being a bit jovial and funny, which actually might appeal to them. He's highly attentive to them, even when he's under the influence. They also see me drinking zero alcohol and know it's a viable, healthier choice. I periodically express to him that his drinking makes me feel lonely. It's hard on our sex life, and I'm Worried it will damage us. He listens but doesn't say much. Sometimes there's an improvement afterward and sometimes there isn't. Once we went to a couples therapist and he agreed to get therapy on his own for his substance use, but he never followed through. He's gone for periods of a few months with limiting his intake to less alcohol to the point where his health improves. He's less irritable and I feel like he's present most of the time. These are usually wonderful times and I feel like I have my whole spouse and I feel less lonely. But then he slips back into the heavier drinking and we go through our day like this. It's like Groundhog Day. The same conversation and nothing really changes. It's also sad because I feel like he's missing out on things that could be great memories with our kids or growth opportunities for himself. As a result, I've become pretty independent, able to meet a lot of my own needs, and I've used my time to work on myself through therapy, mindfulness, art, etc., to try to be a better person. But he hasn't done that, just medicated himself. So I feel a distance growing between us. I feel like if things continue in this fashion, that down the road our relationship might get into trouble. Lately, I've found myself Thinking about the possibility of us not being together after our kids are grown. This worries me a lot, and I wonder how much of these thoughts I should share with him. I feel a bit awkward asking in this group whose loved ones have put them through much worse, but here goes. How often should I stop and remind him about his pattern and how I have to adapt? What should I say? How do I do this without sounding judgmental and that I'm somehow better than him for having healthier habits and having done work on myself? Should I ask him to read the Alan Carr or William Porter books, or will that backfire? I would appreciate viewpoints from those of you who have been in relationships with high-functioning alcoholics or were them yourselves. Thank you. All right. Story number 2. First of all, I absolutely love the title of this story. Alcohol is rusting my marriage from the inside. I feel like that is a perfect descriptive, and I just get the visual. I don't know about you, but I can just see it happening. And that's exactly what happens. It rusts or ruins or breaks the relationship from the inside. People on the outside can't necessarily see it, but when you're in that relationship and you're the partner, you're the one that feels it first and you're the one that feels it the most. If I were going to put these stories in a chronological order, I would probably say where this person is in their process is probably about a year, year and a half further than the first story. And the reason I say that is because this person doesn't ever go any days with no drinking. And this partner is to the point that she's imagining divorce. She's imagining not being with this person. Now it seems to me That this partner with a drinking problem is probably in what I call the bargaining phase. It's this whole process of trying to cut back. It's like you cut back, it works for a little bit, but then it goes back. You cut back, it works for a little bit, but then it goes back. You try all sorts of different things to try to get it under control. Usually you try a lot of things without trying to like completely stop. Although sometimes in the bargaining phase, people will make little deals with themselves that they'll stop for like certain periods of time, either in an effort to try to prove to themselves that they're not alcoholic or to Like somehow like reset their system and reset their tolerance. Problem is it doesn't really work because when you go back to drinking, you pretty much back to the same tolerance and exactly where you were before, usually within a matter of days. So let's take a look at these questions that this Redditor is asking. How often should I remind him of his pattern and that I have to adapt? What should I say? How do I say it without sounding judgmental or like I'm better than him? Should I ask him to read the books by Alan Carr or William Porter? Those are books about alcoholism. Or will that backfire? I'd appreciate any points of view. I would say these are really, really great questions, and I'm so glad you're asking them because pretty much anyone in your situation would be asking these questions. And the answer to them is yes, they are very likely to backfire. Those of you who watch my videos regularly, you know that someone who has a substance abuse problem needs a villain in their story. And if the spouse asks these questions, especially if they're asking them like regularly, They're definitely going to be put in the villain role. And in this person's psychology, because if you remember at the beginning of this, let's take a look back because it's important. I want you to know it starts out with, my husband of 20+ years works, cooks most of our meals, does many household tasks, and takes great care of our kids. He helps out with his aging parents regularly and is a supportive, fun companion. Okay. This is really important because Obviously, this is my hypothesis, but let's just say it's an educated hypothesis. If you're on this person about their drinking pretty regularly, this person's going to be thinking, look, I'm way better than most spouses. I don't know what your problem is. It's like it's never enough. You're just critical of this one little thing. I don't know what your problem is. You know, I do all these things. I make money. I help with the kids and you're still not happy. That will be the victim thinking in this person's head. Which will actually sort of distract them from seeing that this is a problem and a big problem. Because this person is in the bargaining phase, what needs to happen is they have to prove to themselves that they can't manage it successfully. Like they can't cut it back and be consistent about it. And there's not really a way to skip this phase, but you can speed it. If you're really relating to the situation and you feel like you're in a very similar situation, as in You're married to a functional alcoholic who seems really great on the outside, but you know is falling apart on the inside, and you're becoming more and more disconnected. Then you might want to think about taking our Motivation Unlocked Challenge. It's a five-day challenge where I walk you through exactly what questions you should ask, what things you should say, and what you should definitely avoid. In the challenge, I teach you the secrets to finding your spouse's. Hidden motivators and their hidden roadblocks so that you can grow the motivators and remove the roadblocks. I'll put a link to it in the description below. So let's move on to our 3rd case study here. This Redditor titled their post Lost Spark of Relationship Vent, as in venting, I think. How should I say this? Have you experienced the feeling of nothing like your relationship with your Q when they try to be better and stay sober, but of course they are sober because they can't get alcohol due to their job because so many times I felt betrayed. It's almost like I'm the problem now. I don't play along like everything is great. I don't care to solve other relationship problems. I don't cheat or anything, but I simply don't have the capacity to be disappointed again. So I don't plan anything together. Now I feel like an insensitive human being. But again, the abuse that happens when my qualifier drinks or uses has really damaged me. And I don't feel depressed. I'm overall happy about everything else, but this time will be different. I've heard too many times. He thinks I have to be sweet and happy and cuddly and all lovely, and I try to be sweet, yet I cannot fake that. I know I need therapy, but it's difficult to be excited about the relationship. Now, the reason in my mind I'm sort of guessing that this story is a little bit more progressed than the other two—I'm not even sure if the alcoholism part is progressed because this Reddit poster doesn't really say a lot about. The drinking patterns or habits of their partner, but they're saying a lot about how they feel about it. And if you think about the three stories we've read so far with the partners, you can see one is like starting to question it. It's like, "Is this really happening? I'm really confused." The second one is like, "I know this is happening. I'm getting really frustrated. I have fantasies of like maybe we might not even make it. You know, we might get divorced someday." But this poster, as far as where they're at and their emotional response to it, they're like. Done. They're exhausted. They're having a hard time mustering up any positive feelings towards their partner anymore. And this is what happens. You get exhausted, you get wore out because you try and you try and you try, and it feels like nothing ever works. Well, actually, it's like it'll get a little bit better for a short period of time, but then it goes back. Like I said before, it's like the bargaining phase. Eventually, you sort of get to the point where you give up and quit trying. And unfortunately, the person with the alcohol problem eventually gets to that same point where they give up and quit trying to cut it back. Now, this person is not really asking a specific question to answer, but they're talking about this whole idea of like, look, I'm just emotionally detached at this point. And they, my spouse thinks I should be all lovely and sweet and affirming, but I just can't even bring it anymore. In fact, this person is like not even trying to solve other relationship problems. They may not be divorced, but they're emotionally checked out. Can you relate to this in any way? Have you been on either side of this problem, either The side of a person who's having an alcohol problem, who's maybe bargaining, trying to cut it back, but it's not working, or the side of a person being in a relationship with someone who's struggling with an alcohol use disorder. I'd love to hear your story and your experience. And if you have any advice for these Reddit posters, feel free to share that also in the comments below. And lastly, if you haven't seen the video I did, it's another Reddit post reaction. You should take a look at This other video I did, I'll put it right up here for you. It is also a Reddit reaction, but it's from the other point of view. It's from the point of view of the person with the alcohol problem, and they are also talking about how alcohol has ruined their relationship, possibly beyond repair. I'll link it up here for you so you can watch that next. And don't forget, the link to Motivation Unlocked is in the description and comments below.

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