Amber's Top 10 Strategies For Getting An Alcoholic Out Of Denial

We've scoured the entire Put the Shovel Down YouTube channel, and we've come up with my top tips for getting an alcoholic out of denial. No one single tip will get someone out of denial. But when you start combining these strategies together, then you're going to start making progress. Now, for those of you who watch this entire video, I'm going to give you a link at the end so that you can actually download the notes for this video that also includes links to all the original videos where these tips came from in case you want a deeper dive. Now, let's get started with tip number one that I call turn in your detective badge. If you're worried that your spouse has an alcohol problem, then it's quite natural for you to be kind of preoccupied with it. Most people in that situation do a lot of spying and checking and questioning and even smell checking, because a lot of the times when you ask your spouse about their drinking, you don't get the truth. And so you get really, really preoccupied with trying to find the truth, especially when you know deep down inside that there's more the story or that something is wrong. They keep denying it, but you know deep down inside that there's definitely a problem. So you get really, really focused on proving that there's a problem, which makes them really, really focused on hiding the problem, which will create a huge ginormous trust issue in any relationship. And eventually it becomes a total cat and mouse game with resentments building up on both sides. Tip number two, remember, you don't need a full confession. Now, the first thing I want you to know if you're worried about your spouse's drinking is if it's an alcohol use disorder, which is fancy word for alcoholism, it will show itself. You don't have to obsessively look for it, because the unmanageability which comes along with an addiction will make it evident. You don't have to prove it. You don't have to find the evidence. You don't have to start arguments. In fact, by doing all those things, you're actually distracting the person from realizing how big of a problem that it is. And you're actually slowing down the recovery process. Because instead of realizing that this alcohol is causing so many problems, the person gets really resentful because they feel like you're trying to control them, and then it's unfair and that you're bossy and you're mean and you're mad and all that kind of stuff. And they stay fixated on that, and they use that thinking as A reason to justify their continued drinking, and most importantly, to hide their continued drinking, which only escalates the issue. The first thing you might want to understand is that someone does not have to admit the severity of the issue in order to make a change. They just have to get to a point where they realize that at this moment, for whatever reasons, they need to make a change. They don't have to like it, they don't have to want it. They just have to be willing to do it. So if you have a loved one in your life who's in alcoholic denial, stop trying to force them to say how bad it is. Because the more you try to force them to be honest and admit to themselves just how bad this problem is, the worse it's going to get. The more defense mechanisms they're gonna get, the more they're gonna project and blame and minimize. You know the story. Oftentimes, as people get sober and they work their recovery program, they become more and more and more able to see how bad the problem was and to admit to how bad the problem was. But sometimes they need a little sobriety. They need to step back from the situation long enough and far enough to really be able to see how bad it was. So. So that's part of it is stepping back enough to see how bad it was. And second part of that is they need to have enough ego strength to be able to see it and admit it and acknowledge it to themselves and maybe to other people without totally falling apart and crumbling. Think about it like this. I bet you've made really big mistakes in your past that at the time, while you were making them or shortly after, you felt really embarrassed and horrible about, and you probably didn't want to talk about it, and you definitely didn't want to tell anybody about it. But now maybe you're years past that. It's kind of like that. So stop trying to force your loved one to say just how bad it is. Focus on trying to get them to be willing, not like it, to make a change. Tip number three, Modeling humility can be the fastest way to get someone to let their guard down. When you tell someone who has an addiction that you were wrong, guess what happens? Their walls go down. They retract the spikes. Their ears perk up. And now you've actually got their attention. Now they want to hear what you're about to say. You want to know why this is so powerful? It's so powerful because the person is actually expecting some kind of push, punch, stab. Not like literally physically punch, stab. But like verbally, they're expecting you to come at them to be negative, to criticize them, to call them out on something, to lecture, nag, preach. And if you don't do any of that, but instead you show your own vulnerabilities and weaknesses and act with humility, not only are they going to pay attention to you and listen to you, but they're going to trust you so much more. Think about the last time you were in a big argument with someone and finally either they or you caved first and said, you know what, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have done that, or I was wrong. Almost always literally, probably 99% of the time, once one person says that, what does the other person say? Well, I shouldn't have done this, or I shouldn't have said it that way, or I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it, right? When you kind of say and you're wrong, it allows the other person to say that they're wrong. When you push and you try to prove your point and you just keep coming at it, guess what? They gonna keep fighting because you fight with them and they're gonna fight with you back. So put your own walls down, retract your spikes and watch what happens. You're gonna love tip number four. This is the denial destroying formula. There is a four formula that you can use that actually works pretty well for getting someone out of denial. That formula is allowing the natural consequences to happen. Combined with this is really important. Empathy. Now what most families want to do is they want to yell, scream, nag, preach, remind, lecture, threaten ultimatum, all the stuff which is the opposite of the empathy thing. But then they want to fix all the natural consequence. Like they want to make sure the person gets fired. They want to wake you up, make sure that you made it to work or class on time. They want to get you an extension so you can get that extra credit in so you don't fail. Most families want to fix the external or natural consequences, but be mad at the person. That is the worst combination. If you want to keep someone in denial and that's the combination you want to use. But I know that's not you. You want to get your loved one out of denial and taking steps towards change. So to do that, you have to allow those crappy things to happen. Otherwise, when you're telling them that they're making a mistake, that they're messing up their life, they, they're looking at you like you're freaking Crazy, because they're like, my life is fine. Tip number five is definitely essential, and that is build credibility. I like to think of it like building up your credit score because, you know, you want to buy a house or something. You want to build up your credit score with your addicted loved one because your opinion doesn't matter at all if they don't care what you have to say. There are several reasons why they may not care what you have to say. Yes, they know you love them. That doesn't mean they want to listen to what you have to say, because sometimes you loving them is kind of annoying. It doesn't make them want to listen to you. It doesn't make you have credibility. What will make you have credibility is if they feel like you get them, you understand their situation. Now, that doesn't mean you have to agree with all their choices. As a counselor, I don't agree with all their choices, but as long as I can make them feel like I understand them, I get them. I understand where they're coming from, the challenges that they face, then that creates a trusting relationship. And when I have a piece of advice to give or something to say, they're a lot more apt to listen. So the key here is helping your loved one think that they get me. They understand my side of things. Tip number six. I'm gonna call. Don't step on the tripwires. Be casual. When you're interacting with someone who's in denial or needs to change something, you need to approach the situation in a casual manner. Because the whole goal here is to interact with someone in a way that keeps them from putting that giant wall up. Or in this case, to interact with someone in a way that's going to get them to bring that wall down. Do not. Do not. Do not come across as needy or pushy or overly appropriate or uptight. Because if you come across that way right out the gate, you're just gonna get wal nothing. They're literally going to be Charlie Browning you in their head. You know what that means, right? Going womp, womp, womp every time you say anything. Tip number seven. Acknowledge the reasons why they might be reluctant to change. Address the resistance. I mean, you can. The tension in the air. You can feel that he does not want to be there. Now, I could get defensive about that and have an attitude or be defensive in my head. That's not gonna help. I could ignore it, which probably isn't gonna help. Or I can just say, look, I know this is not what you want to be doing with Your morning, right? Talking to some stranger. You don't even know about stuff going on your life. Like, I know that totally sucks. I usually say something like that so that they know that I get it, like, this ain't fun and. And that they don't want to be here. Because if they know that I get it, they can stop screaming it really loud at me with their body language. Other times I might say something sarcastic or funny like, oh, you really know how to make a girl feel important, you know, because they're just like coming back, rolling their eyes, like, totally not wanting to deal with me. Address the resistance. If you're feeling that wall, just acknowledge it. Because literally acknowledging the wall most of the time makes the wall come down, like, at least halfway. Tip number eight, I call use the side door. Don't come at it head on. Don't directly confront someone with that sort of sharp in your face kind of stuff, because the more you do that, the more walls that come up. Here's how I want you to think about it. Do not try to engage this problem through the front door. Because by now your loved one has got maximum security on that front door. Like, they got like, camera to see if anyone's coming. I'm tell I got maximum security on this. Like, come through the front door of addressing someone's addiction. It's not going to work. You're going to have to find a way around that. Don't come at it head on. And you might be wondering, what do you mean by come at it head on? Don't try to tell someone that they're addicted. Don't try to guilt someone about what they're doing or make them feel shameful. It's not that you're wrong. Hey, I know that you're right. It's just that that method isn't effective. And I'm all about doing what work. Tip number nine is called no pushing allowed. Stop trying to get them to see what a terrible person they are. Now, I know, like, subconsciously, deep down inside, we think in our mind, if this person could only see how they're like, destroying their life, destroying my life, destroying everything around them, they would stop doing what they're doing. But actually, it doesn't quite work like that. You see, addiction is fueled by shame. And the more you try to get them to see how terrible they are, the more they're gonna run from it and hide from it. And most likely they're going to use their addiction in order to stay hidden from it. Trying to get someone to see something negative about themselves is not the way to get them to do better. Now, this last one is key. Tip number 10 is find the thing that's motivating them. You've got to use what motivates them. Now let me give you an example. In the past, I've seen people that struggled with alcoholism. Now I'm telling you, it's pretty bad. Like, literally, they're drinking most all day, every day. They're about to lose their entire family over it, but they just can't wrap their head around that. But what they might can tell me is something like, yeah, I feel like it's made me put on a couple of pounds, and I'm thinking, okay, yeah, but that's the least of the problems. But that's not how you want to respond to them. You want to meet them where they're at. That's what we call it in counseling. You want to use what's important to them, even if it seems insignificant or unimportant to you. Now, you've heard on Amber's top 10 strategies for getting an Alcohol Holic out of Denial. If you're new to this channel and you want to learn more tips on dealing with someone who has an addiction, remember to subscribe so you get access to all my content. And for those of you who would like to have all the notes from this video and get the links to all the original videos, there's a link in the description that will give you access to.