Are you Dealing With Addict, ALCOHOLIC, NARCISSIST or All Of The Above?

So in this video, we're going to talk about the differences and similarities between a narcissist and an alcoholic or an addict. Now, although there's a lot of overlap, and we're going to talk about that in just a second, what that overlap is, what those similarities are, there are some distinct differences. And if you have concerns that your addicted loved one might also be a narcissist, you're definitely going to want to determine is it really narcissism or is it just a defense mechanism of addiction? And the reason why you really want to differentiate that is because addicts and alcoholics can get better. In fact, they can get way better. And narcissists don't really get better. That doesn't go away. And so if you're trying to determine, should I stay or should I go, how much energy I should put in this, and you have this question, I would try to get to the root of this problem before you make any other decision. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this channel is all about helping you to understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your life and your loved ones and get back to living the life that you want to live. Okay, back to our topic. Let's first start by talking about why the two things can be confused for each other and where there is actual overlap. Now, it's important to note that you can definitely be a narcissist and have addiction, so you could be dealing with somebody for sure that has both. But oftentimes, people with alcoholism or addiction often appear narcissistic when they're really not. And that's the parts that we're going to try to pull apart today. Because if you're in a relationship with someone like this, you definitely want to know exactly what you're dealing with. So there's this saying in aa. I've heard a lot of AA friends say that alcoholics are narcissists with inferiority complexes. And where that really comes from is that the alcoholic, if they're just an alcoholic, can appear narcissistic, but deep down inside, they really do feel pretty inferior. Now, if you've learned a lot about narcissism, you can know that there is this deep rooted shame and sense of self that a narcissist can feels. But that's really different than the addict or alcoholic who's not a narcissist because they're pretty aware of it. The addict. And the alcoholic is pretty Aware that deep down inside, they do feel pretty crappy about themselves. And narcissists, although they may really feel like that, it's primarily an unconscious drive. Okay, so here are some of the characteristics that you might be seeing that you're trying really hard to differentiate. Is it just addiction or is it narcissism? Now, addicts, alcoholics, and narcissists all have a tendency to refuse to accept responsibility for their behaviors. To blame shift, meaning, make everything someone else's fault. All of these types will use anger, deflection, and other kind of really nasty behaviors to get you to do what they want. Addicts, alcoholics, and narcissists will make you look bad to other people if it suits their needs. In both situations. Situations, addiction or narcissism, you're gonna get the distinct feeling that this person is just using you. And that is probably the case in both of those situations. Now let's move on and take a look at some of the characteristics and types of behaviors that you're gonna notice a difference in. An addict, an alcoholic, and a narcissist. These are the things where you're gonna be able to tell if you're just dealing with alcoholism or addiction. I'm going to give you six differentiators to look for, and the last one is probably the most significant and important. So make sure you stick around for all of these differentiators. Okay. When you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic, and let me just say this, I tend to hear the family member being confused about this more with just alcoholism than I do with other types of addictions. What I'm saying here is, I mean, like, people in relationship relationships with alcoholics will more often say that they feel like their significant other or that other person is a narcissist. I don't really know exactly what it is. I have some, like, theories on it, but it's just an observation of mine. Okay, back to the differentiators. So when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but they're not a narcissist, you will see narcissistic behavior at times, but it's inconsistent if they're not truly a narcissist. So there are times when you see that grandiose behavior, that everything's all about me, behavior that I can do no wrong type of behavior. But if you're not dealing with a narcissist, you'll usually see other moments of vulnerability, as in real vulnerability. So it's. It's a real inconsistent Thing. Now, the second differentiator that you're likely to notice if you start paying attention is, is that if you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic who's not a narcissist, you'll notice that they're. A lot of times they're just using that narcissistic behavior as some sort of shield or deflector to try to get you to go away or get off of their case. So you can tell that this is a defense mechanism more than a core, underlying, always there, very consistent belief system, part of their character. Think of it like a force field around a superhero. Now, if you're dealing with just an addict or an alcoholic and they're not a narcissist, you will see that they will be able to express genuine care, concern, empathy, and love for other people. Now, let me say this. That doesn't mean their behavior lines up for that. So, for example, an addict or an alcoholic may take advantage of their grandmother. They may take money from them. They may go into their medicine cabinet and steal their pills. They may take things from their house and pawn it. But you definitely get the impression that they truly do love this person. It's just that the addiction is overriding that true care and concern. The next differentiator has to do with shame and guilt. Now, at the core of addiction and narcissism is definitely shame. Now, narcissists aren't usually very aware of that shame unless they're what's called, like, a vulnerable narcissist, which is a whole nother, very complicated topic. So we won't bring that into this discussion. But for most narcissists, that shame is on a subconscious level. With addicts and alcoholics, that's a pretty conscious thing. They're pretty aware of it. Now, they may not admit it to you out loud, but it's readily there. But the thing that addicts and alcoholics who aren't narcissists will have is guilt. They will feel guilty and remorseful over their behavior. It's not always easy to get them to admit it, but they definitely feel it. And most of the time, they will admit it to some degree. Like, let's say if they got a DUI and that next day, they wake up a lot of times addicts and alcoholics, after something really bad has happened. They will express genuine guilt, genuine remorse. They'll be authentically sorry for what they did. And you'll be able to see that in those little moments of clarity that we've talked about on this channel. So much. It's not always there. And they may take it back the next day. They may act like it was no big deal, or they may blame the police officer or something like that. But you will definitely see these moments of clarity where the person will actually even express to you those feelings of guilt, remorse, shame, that sort of thing. Now, one of the very easiest ways to tell the difference if your addict or alcoholic is also a narcissist is to think about that person. Before the addiction. Did they demonstrate narcissistic characteristics consistently before they had the addiction? Or if they've had periods of time where they weren't addicted to things, did you still see those narcissistic characteristics? That's going to really help you to understand whether those narcissistic characteristics that you're seeing are more attached to, to the addiction or that they're chronically there and the addiction is more attached to the narcissism. It's kind of like, what's the primary thing going on here? Because when addicts and alcoholics are in recovery and they're clean and sober, you don't really see these narcissistic characteristics so much. I mean, okay, we can all behave a little narcissistic sometimes, but you know what I mean, you don't see them there all the time in this, like, really problematic way. Okay, now this next one probably really is the most important differentiator. Narcissists need a constant supply of attention pretty much all the time. They want your attention because their primary addiction is the attention and admiration of other people. That is their real addiction. They may have alcohol problems and drug problems, but it's really secondary to their attention needs. But if you're not really dealing with a true narcissistic person, they don't really always want your attention. In fact, addicts and alcoholics want you to kind of leave them alone, let them be, because they got other stuff to attend to. So you can see the difference there. Addicts and alcoholics may act narcissistic in a way to deflect energy, not take responsibility, continue their denial about the problem. But it's not really always just about getting attention from you. It's not just about getting these positive affirmations from you. It's really more of a deflection technique, more of a defense mechanism than it is a true personality disorder, that kind of thing. So if you're dealing with narcissist, you're gonna know they have that constant need for attention. Now, addicts and alcoholics, of course they want attention sometimes, and that helps them feel better. But like I said, a lot of times, they like to fly way under the radar as well. So the biggest thing I want you to look for here is the consistency of these narcissistic traits that you're gonna see. Now, after hearing all that, I want you to watch this video next. It's all about how to have effective boundaries with someone who has an addiction.