Boundaries Vs Controlling | Healthy Boundaries

If you've got an addicted loved one, your only chance at surviving this thing with any sanity left is to be able to set healthy boundaries. Because not only does it save your own mental health, physical health, financial health, but it also increases the chances that your loved one will make steps toward recovery. And in this video, we're going to focus in on one crucial boundary issue, and that is understanding the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. And I know they, too, can seem really similar, but there are some distinct differences in how you think about the issue and also how you verbalize that boundary to your loved one. Because these small differences in the way that you set boundaries can make all the difference. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and this is Put the Shovel Down. After growing up in an addicted family and then working in the field of addiction for years and years, it became so apparent to me that there was almost no resources whatsoever out there for families. People worried about a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem. Which is why I decided to start this YouTube channel. It's all about empowering you with the information, skills, and supports that you need to get your life back on track to recover your family and get back to living the life that you want to live. So if that sounds like something that you need to accomplish, consider subscribing. And make sure you hit that little bell button, because most weeks, I release a bonus video, which you won't know about unless you select the notifications menu. Okay, back to our issue. So everyone knows that an ultimatum is when you say something to a loved one, like, if you don't stop drinking, I'm going to divorce you. That is a clear ultimatum. But where is the difference in that and setting a boundary for yourself, a healthy boundary? You know, back when I used to work at the hospital, the family group that we ran, we called these sanity boundaries. And it's a really important way to remember the distinction between healthy boundary and control of your loved one or of that situation. Anytime you get over here in the control realm, you're going to, number one, fail at it. It will not work. And number two, you're going to drive yourself crazy in the process. And number three, you're going to drive your loved one crazy in the process. So it's pretty ineffective. Let's definitely steer away from that. So a sanity boundary is a focus on setting boundaries in your life that you need in order to keep your sanity. And so let me give you some examples, because I think it's the best way to really describe the difference for you. You know, a really good way to think about this is to think about it like a fence, your boundary being like a fence. Now, it is perfectly okay to build a fence around your own backyard, but it's pretty much not as acceptable to build a fence around your neighbor's backyard. People don't really like that so much. And that's a great metaphor for helping you understand that you can't set boundaries around someone else's territory, or as we call it in recovery, around someone else's side of the street. You can only deal with your side of the street. So one easy way for you to know whether you're giving someone an ultimatum or setting a sanity boundary for yourself is the way the sentence starts in your head and in your thinking, and especially in the way that you verbalize it to the other person. Let's look at some examples together. Anytime a sentence starts out with if you blank, then is going to happen, that is definitely in the ultimatum category, which is way more about controlling the other person's behavior, that is trying to build a fence around their backyard and not your backyard. A more useful way to go about setting healthy boundaries might be more along the lines of, if I feel blank, then I will blank, or if I think blank, then I will blank. You see how that's drawing the fence around your backyard? It's all about you, it's not about the other person. Let me give you some examples here, and I think you're going to understand exactly what I'm saying. If you drink again, I will leave and take the kids with me. Now, that is ultimatum because it goes with the if you, then I will. So that's in the ultimatum category. And when you word your boundaries like that, you almost set it up to encourage more lying and sneaking and manipulation because you're going to know they're drinking, and if you can't prove it, the person's gonna be like, well, you don't know. You can't prove it. You've got no evidence that I'm drinking. And so it's that setting that real concrete boundary around the situation that only ends up backfiring on you. Let's look at maybe a different way to think about that boundary. If I feel that me or the kids are unsafe, then I'm gonna do what I need to do to protect us. Do you see the difference? If you drink, I will leave versus if I feel unsafe or if I feel like the kids are unsafe, I'm going to have to do what I need to do to protect us. And so that goes with a feeling. Now, there's no argument about whether you feel or don't feel unsafe. There may be an argument about whether someone did or didn't drink because maybe your loved one has one small lapse or relapse, but they got it under control fast, nothing terrible happened. And you may want to choose to stick with them through that and see if you can come out the other side in another situation. You may have a loved one, one that relapses, they get violent, it goes on for days at a time, and you need to make a different decision. And that's where that issue of, if I feel unsafe, then I'm going to X, Y, or Z. It could be I'm going to leave. It could be, I'm gonna go to my mother's for a little while. It can be, I'm gonna go talk to a lawyer. It can be whatever you want it to be. But it needs to be about you. It needs to be about something that you feel, think, or do. Then you will feel, think, or do X, Y, or Z. It. All of it needs to be about you to be a boundary. You cannot draw boundaries on someone else. So here's another example. If you're smoking weed, I will not pay for your college. That's an ultimatum because it's got the you or your word in there. A better way to say that might be something more like, if I feel like you're not making an effort at school and I think that paying for college is a bad investment, then I'm probably going to make another decision. You see the difference. It's about what you think and what you feel, which is always up to your determination and not up for argument. And the really great thing about that is it keeps you out of this detective role. And it helps you to learn how to trust your own feelings and judgments, which, if you followed me for long, you know that I am a huge, huge believer in. Here's another example. If you fail a drug test, I'm taking your car. Ultimatum again, that's around someone else. Here's a better way to say it. If I feel like you're putting yourself and other people in danger, then I'm definitely not going to support you driving. And you may think, oh, this is just semantics, but it's really important for your own sanity because it's staying in your territory. And again, it's going to keep you out of this. Detective, whether somebody failed a drug test or not, because there's a million ways to pass a drug test. You can pass a drug test and have been drinking, and obviously that's dangerous. You can pass a drug test because you got something to clean out your system or because you got some clean urine that you hide for just in case you get a drug test. There's so many ways to do that. But when you keep it to. If I feel like you're putting yourself and other people in danger or at risk, that's up to you. That's your judgment call, and you get to make those decisions, and you don't have to prove it. Here's the key. Families think that they need to put things in black and white, and they think that they need to prove it. And that is so much of what gets you in that sort of investigative zone, in that zone of where you're constantly obsessing and you're constantly looking through their stuff and trying to control what they do, which is only going to keep the two of you, you and your loved one, at odds. It's not going to help you, and it is definitely not going to help them. Here's another one. If you relapse, you're gonna have to leave the house. And here's a better way of looking at that one. If I feel like your addiction is going in the wrong direction and it's wreaking havoc for me or the other people in the house, then I'm gonna have to back up and rethink whether or not we should all be living in the same house. See the difference? You leave in yourself the ability to make a judgment about what's wrong direction and what's not and what you're gonna do about it. Don't get into the territory of saying things like you have to go to this many meetings or get a sponsor. You have to call your sponsor X amount of times a week or whatever. That is definitely in their territory and in their side of the street. To learn more about boundaries, which is absolutely essential, watch this video next. It's about the difference in boundaries, consequences and punishment.