Amber Hollingsworth (speaker) walks viewers through Part 2 of advice on setting boundaries with an alcoholic spouse, reviewing concrete example statements across three categories: drunk driving, money/financial support, and household responsibilities. For each example she labels whether it is an appropriate (healthy) boundary or not, explains why, and often rephrases unhealthy formulations into "I"-centered, enforceable boundaries. She also cautions about enforcement challenges and possible unintended consequences (resentment, legal complications) and points viewers to a quiz in the description to assess their own boundaries.
Chapters
This is Boundaries with an Alcoholic Spouse, Part two. Now, if you haven't watched part one, I suggest you go back and do that first because one always comes before two. I'm gonna link it right up here. You can watch that one and then come back to this one. But if you've already watched it and you're here for the answers, then you're in luck because we're gonna go over all of those boundaries. Examples, alright? Under the drunk driving category, we had four boundaries to explore. The first one was, I'm not going to allow you to drive our kids if I think you've been drinking. This is actually a pretty appropriate boundary. I'm going to give you a big clue here. A good boundary usually starts with I, and this one starts with I. So it's not telling the other person what they will and won't do, it's saying what you will and won't do. Now, a special note about this boundary. I do think that this is an appropriate, reasonable, healthy boundary and it's communicated in an appropriate way. But I do want you to ask yourself, how, how are you going to hold that boundary? Because that's the other key. It's not just what boundary am I setting, but how am I going to enforce that boundary. So make sure you've thought about that before you set this type of boundary. The second drunk driving boundary was you're not going to leave this house and drive our car when you've been drinking. This is actually not an appropriate boundary. Now, it may be good judgment and wise thinking, but as far as boundaries go, this is not an appropriate boundary because in this example, you are telling someone else what they can and cannot do, which means you're on their side of the street. Remember, boundaries are for you. You can build a fence around your backyard, you cannot build a fence around someone else's backyard. Number three, I will no longer be providing insurance for your car under my name. If I think that you're likely to drive intoxicated, that is actually an okay boundary because that has to do with you and what you will and won't do. So that one is a perfectly fine, healthy boundary. Number four, please do not drive home drunk. It makes me very nervous. I'm constantly worried you're going to hurt yourself or someone else. Please call me instead. This is not a boundary. This is actually an ask or request of someone else. Remember, boundary is about what you will or won't do. This is just simply an ask. And there are actually a few inherent problems with this. Ask number one, the person may not be very likely to call you because they don't want to admit that they've been drinking. Another reason why they may not want to call you is because they just don't realize how drunk they are. And number three, really want you to think this through because if a person drinks all the time and they do start calling you like a lot late when it's inconvenient, you're likely to build a resentment about this. Now, I'm not saying that it's never okay for you to go pick someone up. I'm totally okay with that. I just want you to think it through. Alright, let's move on to our money boundaries because those are always interesting. The first one was, you're not going to waste any more of my money buying your alcohol. That one is not an appropriate boundary because again, you're telling someone else what they are and aren't going to do. And I know you might be thinking, well, you're just talking about your money. And there may be a better way to verbalize this. It's not that you can't decide that you are no longer going to pay for someone's alcohol, but what you can't do is tell them what they are and are not going to do. So that was a little trick tricky. And sometimes it really is in the wording. A better way to say that might be to say something like, I will no longer be picking up alcohol when I go out and buy our groceries. Number two example was I will continue to pay your car payment as long as you're going to three AA meetings a week. Now that one sounds kind of good on the surface because it's what you will and won't do and it kind of gives them some responsibility of going to three meetings a week. But to be honest, I don't really think that's a great boundary because it has some inherent issues with it. First and foremost, now you got to figure out if they're really going to three meetings or not. So you got to spend a lot of time chasing and investigating and verifying, which is going to put you back in that control position and you really don't want to be there. And secondly, even if they are going to three meetings a week, what you're trying to do there is you're trying to sort of force recovery, which isn't really possible. Sometimes you can force compliance with a rule like this, but you can't force recovery. The third money boundary was I will no longer be covering your car payment. That is actually Perfectly healthy, appropriate boundary. But be careful, do not follow it up with anything like because you're a drunken loser, because I pay for everything else around this house because I'm sick of supporting you. When you throw in those digs on the back end, you kind of take the healthy out of the healthy boundary number four, you have to have a job if you want to keep living in this house. Now, I know you're thinking that seems kind of reasonable, and it's not so much that it's completely unreasonable, but it's not a good way to set a boundary. And the first clue to that is because it starts with you. And remember, if you're starting something with you, you're probably not in the healthy boundary zone. Plus, if this is your spouse, it can get pretty complicated because you may have to go through some serious like legal hoops in order to enforce not allowing them to live in the house. So you really got to think this through. Plus, even if you set this boundary and they were sort of like compliant with it, I don't really think it's going to get you the result that you want because what you really want is you're trying to make them be responsible for themselves and contribute to the finances or something like that. And just having a job doesn't necessarily mean that that will or won't happen. Alright, let's move on to household responsibilities. Number one, from now on, you're responsible for washing your own clothes. I'm tired of messing with your stuff. It just smells like alcohol. And to be honest, it makes me sick to my stomach. That one is probably not a great boundary to set because again, you're telling them what they are and aren't going to do. They are going to be responsible and you can't really enforce that, number one. So that makes it kind of not great boundary. And number two, you're throwing in a lot of digs in there, which is really just going to trigger up a big fight, an argument or defensiveness or acting out on some kind of level. It's not that it's not okay to set a boundary about washing someone else's laundry. It is. Let's take a look at another way to set that boundary. Option number two was smelling alcohol on your clothes is a real trigger for me. And when I get triggered, I take it out on everyone else. So from now on, I will not be doing your laundry. That a boundary that is appropriate. Now, they may let their laundry sit there forever, they may run out of laundry, but you can't force them to be responsible. All you can do is decide what you will and won't be responsible for. So number two is an example of a healthy boundary. Number three example under the household responsibilities was I will no longer clean up your dishes from your late night drinking and cooking episodes. That is actually an appropriate boundary. It's about you and not about them. You. It's not telling them you can't get up and cook late at night because you make a big old mess and I'm sick of it. That's not a healthy boundary because that's bossing somebody else. Remember, you got to stay in your own lane. Now, number four example was you need to be responsible for your own messes. That is actually not a boundary because it's telling someone else what to do or not to do. That's actually a suggestion. I'm going to suggest that you be responsible for your own messes. Now, I know these boundaries can be complicated and sometimes it's semantics and it's figuring out your side of the street and their side of the street. If you want to know more about keeping healthy boundaries with an alcoholic or addict spouse, click the link in the description and it's going to take you to a real quiz or test about your boundaries so you can really see where you fall on the scale and maybe where your boundaries could be improved just a little bit.
