Break Free From Any Addiction- Solutions That Will Work For Anyone

If you're struggling to break an addiction as if you tried, you do good, and then you fall off the wagon, and you just keep falling off the wagon, and you can't seem to get somewhere, it is almost certainly because you are convincing yourself of one of these five irrational beliefs that I'm going to go over with you. And once you can confront those beliefs, you got to identify them and then confront them and get rid of them, then addiction will absolutely loosen its grip and hold over you anymore. It's almost like it loses its magic spell because once you stop buying into these sort of BS statements, mental mistakes, whatever you want to call them, then you're really free from it and you can actually let go for good, as in, no more. Stop going back to it. Now, for those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction. Our goal here is to make sure you are always five steps ahead of it. Because addiction, even though it doesn't play by the normal rules, it does have rules. And once you know what they are, you can get five steps ahead of it. And today I'm going to be telling you what some of the options, almost certain beliefs that anyone is going to go through who has an addiction during their process of overcoming that addiction, you're going to have some, at least one of these, probably all of these at some point, beliefs. So once you can identify which ones are your main ones, which one of these thoughts just keep bringing you back, you're not going to believe it anymore. So if you have an addiction and trying to overcome it, or you have conquered your addiction, but you want to make sure it stays conquered, or you have a loved one struggling with an addiction, then this YouTube channel is for you, because that's what we talk about. All right, so let's take a look at what these false beliefs and statements are that keep pulling you back. You know, yesterday I had a client in my office. This was a family member, and they were worried about someone they care about who. Who's just barely, like, recently got sober. And they were worried about some things that were coming up, some stressful things happening in life, and they're like, I'm just really worried when this happens, like, it's going to be really tense and these transitions that were going to happen and all this stuff. And I said the stress isn't going to be what causes the person to relapse. What's going to cause a person to relapse. Now the stress can be difficult. It can kind of like make things a little harder. But it's not the stress. The thing that's actually going to let you open the gate to addiction to allow it back into your life. It's going to be one of these thoughts, because these are the thoughts that kind of unlock the key of your recovery. When you got that wall up and you're trying to do good and you got it shut out, you're going to have to, like, give yourself permission to open the gate. Addiction, it's kind of like a vampire. It has to be like, invited in. And these are the ways you're going to invite it in. The number one most common false belief that people continue to convince themselves of over and over and over again is any version of, I'm not really an addict, I'm not really an alcoholic, I'm not really addicted. It's not that bad, okay? I drink too much, but not nearly as much as those people in aa. Any version of I don't have an addiction. And this is really tricky. And the reason it's tricky is because we come up with these, like, stereotypes and these generalizations in our head about what addiction looks like. And mostly the things that we think about are what I call end stage addiction. Like, like terminal. Like when you are barely, you know, surviving, you're living on the street, you're using every day, all day, like your whole life revolves around it 100,000% completely. Yes, that is definitely addiction. But there are many, many, many stages that happen before you get to that stage. And the problem is people don't recognize that it's addiction until they get into that stage. Just like cancer. There are stages of cancer, right? Wouldn't it be ridiculous to ignore cancer until you are at like, the terminal level? Stage four? It. That's a mistake, right? Because once you're to that level, it's really, really, really hard to stop. So when you try to convince yourself that you're not addicted because you're not that bad, I want you to realize you may say, well, okay, I might not have stage four, but maybe I'm in stage three and right now is a good time to cut it off. It is still addiction, just like it's still cancer. Even if it's stage three and not stage four. Does that make sense to you guys? I hope so. So the ways that we convince ourselves that we're not really addicted, they're. They're kind of. This can come in a lot of different forms. The way this can happen is I Don't use it every day. I'm not stealing money to do it. I'm not pawning anything to do it. Let's see what else other versions of it are like, well, I'm not near as bad as all those people's in rehab. It's this comparison thing. You're trying to sort of disqualify yourself from the label. And let me tell you what, I'm just going to go on limb. I'll probably get some heat from this. But most likely you're not disqualifying yourself from the label because the stigma of having an addiction. You're disqualifying yourself from having this label because you know that if you accept the fact that you are addicted to whatever the thing is, that you're going to have to give it up completely. So this refusal to say, you know, I fall into this category, it's because we all kind of have an understanding to know, like, if you're really an alcoholic, if you're really addicted, then you really gotta let it go completely. You know, you got to take some big major steps. And so a lot of people say, well, you know, those terms are just bad. And I don't like to use them because, you know, they're stigmatizing and. And I guess there's a little truth in that. But honestly, I really feel like that's not the big reason why people don't want to, like, accept those terms. It's really because they don't want to accept what comes with those terms. So you've got to get honest with yourself. You do not have to be in stage addiction. You do not have to use every single day to really be addicted to something. What addiction means is that whatever is happening is causing you way more, more problems than it's worth. And that can happen if you use once a month. That can happen if you only use on the weekends. If it's causing you a lot of problems, is this damaging your relationships, if it's causing you trouble in your career, if it's causing you to not be your best self, if it's causing you to have to lie, hide and manipulate, if it's causing you to not live by your value system, if it makes you feel ashamed of yourself, if you know deep down inside what you're doing is wrong, I don't care what it is or how much it is, you're in the category. And saying, I'm addicted to something, it's not bad at all. In fact, I kind of think we're all sort of Addicted to something. So I don't. I don't want you to take on the stigma of it. I just want you to acknowledge what it is. Because when you can acknowledge what it really, really is, then the plan is pretty clear on how to fix it. And you quit tricking yourself. Because these next few statements are kind of how we try to. These, they're sort of secondary levels on how we try to convince ourselves. So the next statement is number two, ready. The number two most common irrational false statement that most people want to tell themselves that cause themselves to relapse and go back over and over and over again is any version of I can control it, which could include this time will be different. I'm going to cut it back. I can drink socially if I only do it on these certain occasions. If I have my family member control the prescription, only give it to me at certain times, if I set aside like a budget for it, and I don't go over the budget, if I buy the mini bottles, then I'll control how much I drink and I won't let it get out of control and I'll only buy this much. When we try to convince ourselves that this time's going to be different, that we will not let it get to the point it got to prior to now, we're being dishonest with ourselves. Because that's what addiction is. And it's not because you're weak. It's not because you don't have willpower, and it's not because you're not really trying to control it. None of those things. It's literally because of biology. Because once you've built tolerance for something, you literally have changed your brain chemistry in such a. To such a degree that as soon as you engage in that addictive behavior, in fact, as soon as you start to think about engaging in that addictive behavior, even before you've, like, done it, you're thinking about it. You open up all those, like, neural pathways in your brain and it starts this craving. So if you've been drinking a gallon of vodka a day, you're not going to be able to cut it back to one glass a day. It just doesn't. It just doesn't work like that because your tolerance is so high. There's just a lot of reasons for it. And I've got entire videos on that. But this is probably the number one way that people keep sort of pulling themselves back into addiction. They convince themselves it's going to be different. Another example of this is, okay, now I've Got all this sober time like I did dry January. I've reset my system and now I'm going to do it, but I'm not going to do it that much. Another version of this is, okay, I let go of this one substance, but this other substance over here, it's not really that big a deal. I'm still going to keep doing this thing. And these are all just different versions of, I can control it. I'm not going to let it get like it was before, because I know that was a problem. It's going to be different. If you're having any of these thoughts, you are on the verge of relapse, or you're already relapsed, or you're going to as soon as you get the opportunity to. So watch out. I call these little monster mouths. Sometimes I like to pretend they're like actual little, like, figures in our head, like little monsters telling you these dang lies, trying to convince you of stuff. Another biggie. This is a biggie. And family members tell me this all the time that their loved one is saying this. This one is any version of I can do it myself. So when someone is saying this, they're usually sort of kind of like acknowledging that they have an addiction, and they're usually to some degree, acknowledging that they can't control it. So they got those first two kind of under wraps. But it's easy to say to yourself, I can do this myself. Now, in the world of addiction recovery, you know, people will say, you know, you can't do it by yourself. You have to have help, blah, blah. Why are they saying that? There is some, like, logic behind this. It's not because you're not strong. It's not because you don't mean it. The reason behind why you're going, you're probably going to need some kind of help. And that doesn't have to be professional help. It just means you need somebody else, some other system person. Something is. Because addiction works by lying to you. And you. When you developed an addiction, you've become so adept at rationalizing and justifying and convincing yourselves of things. Like, you've become so good at manipulating yourself that you can't trust yourself. And you're not going to know when you're doing this. And so you either have to have a system that you follow to the T, where there's no wiggle room so you don't convince yourself of something that's not true, or you're going to have to have these other outside, like, people or resources or Sounding boards to help you sort of analyze your motives and catch things when maybe you're headed down the wrong path. Because sometimes other people can see things about what's going on with us that we can't see. You can, you can get help in any kind of way you want. I'm, I'm sort of non denominational about it. You can do 12 step, you can do smart recovery, you can go to treatment. You cannot go to treatment. You can get a sponsor. You cannot get a sponsor. You can get a counselor. You cannot get a counselor. Like there's no one way to do it. But you need some sort of outside reference point. Because if you're think about like this, like your compass on this one topic, maybe not on everything, but on this one topic, this one situation is broken. It's not calibrated right. And so if you're only going to trust your own compass on it, you are probably going to go wrong. And, and to me, this is sort of the essence of like in 12 steps, when they say you're powerless or you have to like hand it over, your higher power. To me, the truth of that is, is you just have to decide. You don't have all the answers. You don't really have to hand it over to any certain higher power. But you do have to sort of decide that there's some person or system that for now, I am going to put my trust in. And even if that system's advice or that person's advice feels weird to me and it's against my instincts, I'm going to go with that because I know that my instincts on this topic are kind of wired up not exactly perfectly. So that's what it means when they say hand it over. A lot of people get stuck on the higher power thing, which I think is great if you. But a lot of people that are getting out of an addiction, they struggle with that higher power thing. So in my mind, it's all about letting go of thinking you can control it completely by yourself, just using your own willpower. The reason is because you're going to trick yourself. You're going to convince yourself of one of these other statements and then you're gonna be back in the same spot again. All right, number four statement that you are probably going to tell yourself to allow yourself to make another bad decision is I'm not hurting anyone else. Another version of that would be they're not going to find out because just this one time, or I'm only going to use this much and it's not going to be that big a deal. And so this is a genuine, like real, like you're coming from the right place when you think this. You're not necessarily trying to just be like completely manipulative or deceitful or underhanded. You're really trying to protect the people that you love against the ramifications that you know come when this thing gets out of control in your life. It is genuine, but it doesn't work. So you're going to convince yourself, I'm just going to use, like when my wife's out of town or, you know, no one even knows I'm doing it. It's not hurting anyone. Even if no one in your life knows that you're doing it, if there are people in your life that depend on you in any way or care about you in any way, then you're, then you're not giving them your best. That's like the, that's like the baseline of it. And at worst, what's going on with you is tearing them apart. So the least of it is you're not giving them your best. That's like the very least. But most situations you're causing a lot of damage. If someone cares about you, then what you do affects them just like what they do affects you. We're humans, we're social creatures. We don't survive in isolation. We are interconnected to the people around us. Whether we want to be or not, we are. So there's nothing that we're going to do that's not going to have like a ripple effect. So stop trying to convince yourself of that. So sometimes it's trying to say, well, it's just my body or whatever, I can do what I want, it's not hurting them. And then sometimes it's more like what they don't know won't hurt them kind of thinking. But either which way, it's not true. It's a falsehood. It's an irrational belief. Look it right in the eye, call it out for what it is and tell that monster mouth to go on and have a great day, go somewhere else, because you're not believing that bs. I'm looking at my notes if you're wondering what I'm looking at. The next number five statement is, is, is sort of. It's different than the other ones. And it's any version of that's not fair. It's not fair. And when you break this one down, what this is, is when you let yourself get to a point of self pity and resentment that Those ingredients to allow yourself to justify making a bad decision. Now it can be directly about the addiction. Like it's not fair, why do I have to be an alcoholic and everybody else can drink? But it doesn't really have to be that. It can be anything in life. It's not fair I have to work too hard. It's not fair I do all the raise these kids by myself. It's not fair I do all the housework. It's not fair whatever in your life. Because when you get into this it's not fair thinking. It leads to a lot of self pity which leads to a lot of resentments about something in your life that's not a way that you think that it should be. And that thought leads you down the road of making bad choices because you're just like that kind of leads to I deserve a break or you know, it's not fair that I have to refrain from that. It's not fair that I can't go to those places. It's not fair that I can't hang out with those people. It's not fair that I'm the only one in this house that works. That self pity thought is probably like the number one sneaky offender that is going to get you to make a bad choice, even if it's not addiction. So if you're watching this as a family member, this is the thought that's let you make any bad decision. It doesn't even have to be with the addiction. This is the thought process that's going to let you act in a way, behave in a way that you know isn't really like congruent with your value system. You're gonna, you're gonna give yourself permission to make a bad choice. When you have this thinking, like yell at your husband that you know it's not fair because you don't help me with the kids. It's not fair because you don't back me up. It's not fair because you're not working right now. You know, it's just the way that we justify acting in a way that's not great. And that includes addiction. So watch out for the self pity because right after that comes, well, I couldn't help it because you know, I added that way because, or I deserved it because it's just, it's just, it's a bad relapse warning sign. Now those are the five I promised you five. And I have like a couple on here that I'm going to give you as bonuses. But just before I give you the two bonus statements because we are live, I do want to acknowledge our people that are here with us live. Hello, hello, hello everybody. I'm so glad to you see. See you here. I am going to be taking questions in a minute and if we have time, we're going to let somebody even maybe come on and talk to us. I would love it if somebody that's watching wants to come on and talk to us specifically about any one or multiples of these thoughts, how that's manifested in your life, with your loved one, with yourself. Because I think the real life examples help more than anything else. I will also take a few questions from the chat. I saw another YouTuber do this recently and I thought, wow, that's kind of helpful because there's a lot of chat and some of its questions, some of it's comments, Sometimes it's you guys talking back and forth to each other, which is totally cool. I love that. But if you will write the word question by your question in all caps, like right question, all caps and then put your question then it helps my eye recognize a lot faster as I'm trying to talk and scan and look at the chat and realize that you're trying to ask me a question. It just helps me to see it faster. I can't guarantee I'll get to all the questions, but if you'll do that, it will help me spot your question better and more likely to get it answered to the best that I can. The last thing before I give you the two little bonus ones is to let you guys know, as always, I have in the description more additional resources for you. One of the things that I put, I think I put it in the chat for you guys is how to is a link to download our free Nightly Recovery checklist. Because once you get honest with yourself and you conquer some of these preliminary thoughts, the Nightly Recovery checklist is almost like every night you're going to close the book and you're going to clean up the dishes and you're going to put everything away so that when you wake up tomorrow, you're starting from a fresh clean slate, like emotionally and spiritually. And so it's questions that you need to ask yourself about unfinished business. Did anything happen today that I'm ignoring that I did that I shouldn't have done that? I need to apologize for that. I need to address that. I need to stop ignoring all those things. It's kind of like, it's like, it's like if you work at a job, maybe you work at a Store and how you have to, like, clean up everything, lock the doors, and make sure everything's ready to go for tomorrow. This is like the recovery version of that. Because when you get an active addiction, you're ignoring so many things, you have so many problems, you've said and done things that you feel bad about, and it all just piles up on you until eventually inside of you, inside of your sphere, it looks like a hoarder's episode. And then it feels too overwhelming and you feel like you can't fix it. So I call it the put the dish in the dishwasher. As you use it. That's what the nightly recovery checklist will help you do. All right, here's our bonus Irrational statements that you're telling yourself to convince yourself to go back to using. One of them is, I can't because I can't do this sobriety thing because I have anxiety. I can't do this sobriety thing because I can't get to meetings. I can't do this sobriety thing because you fill in the blank. And so it's this. It's kind of a version of the self pity thing. But you're letting yourself off the hook. Another way that that can happen is I can't because I've tried it 500 times and it's never worked. I've went to treatment. It doesn't work for me. These are all versions of I can't because it's kind of like it doesn't work for me. That that's not a thing. Recovery can work for anyone. Anyone can get recovery. Anyone that can grasp these, like five statements and two bonus ones that I'm about to give you can do recovery. Literally all those things we teach you. If you can keep these thoughts out of your head, you are like 80 there. The rest of it are just small changes, like people, places and things. It's the basic stuff. It's the getting through the detox part, the change in habits part. But it's these thoughts that open the gate and continuously let it come back in your life. So I can't because it's out of here. No such thing. All right, I think Anthony's on here. I saw Anthony on here and he hopped on one of these episodes with us recently. And Anthony's got a great story. So when you think of yourself, I can't, because you think about Anthony, who had legal problems, who had family problems, who had money problems, who had every kind of problems you could have, and he still has managed to get more than two Years over. So no such thing as I can't because. All right, and your last bonus. This is an important one. So let's know this one is any version of. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, Amber. But that one rule or that one thing you said doesn't apply to me. And this is sort of your way. This is your, like, ace card, Your, like, magic card that you throw on the top that just dissolves the whole thing. Most people that are trying to do recovery, they, like, they go to some kind of group or they sign up for a program, or they listen to a book and follow that program or go to treatment or whatever, have counselor, and they can grab a hold of most of it, and they're like, yeah, yeah, I can agree with that. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. But there's usually one last holdout thing that you keep not wanting to follow. One piece of advice, one strategy, one technique, and there's something that you're holding out on, that something could be that you're trying to hold out. And you tell yourself, yeah, I know most people can't control it, but I can. It can kind of go back to one of the previous ones we talked about, how a certain rule doesn't apply to you. Or it can be. Can be different. It can be like, okay, I can do all this stuff, but I can't get rid of this person in my life because I just love them or because they need my help or whatever. You just tell yourself, like, I can't let go this one person. And you know deep down inside that this person or this situation keeps sucking you back in. Or it's like, I know you think that I'm in this restaurant, Amber, and that this job is really high risk for me and that everyone's using around me, but I can. I can go to those meetings, Amber. I can do all those things you said, but I can't let go of this job because I have to have it. And I hear you, and it is hard. I'm not trying to minimize it, but, like, there's something someone in your life is telling you that you are refusing to deal with. It's like that last stronghold on you. It's that last, like, letting go of something that you do not want to let go of. And a lot of times it's not. It doesn't have to be related to the addiction, but a lot of times it's related to keeping yourself in a bad situation that is going to keep propelling the addiction. That rule doesn't apply to me can be like, I don't need to go to meetings, I don't need no help, I don't need no counseling. I'm not gonna let go of my girlfriend. You know, whatever it is, you know, deep down inside, you're trying to find the loophole because there's just one thing that you just really are reluctant to doing. And for a lot of people, once they finally just give in, like, okay, fine, I'll just do it, you know, your way. It doesn't have to be my way, but whatever program you're workings way, and you do it, it's gonna work. People talk about like, you know, addiction recovery and the statistics are so low. And do any of these programs work? The programs totally work. All of them work if you do what the program says it works. Like in na, they say it works if you work it and it's 100 true. So when it's like these programs don't work, it's not working because there's a, a rule, a principle, a step, something that you, you are not applying. And you know, deep down side, you're avoiding that one. That's why it's not working. You know, it. All right, what do you guys think about that list of irrational statements? Those are the common ones that I literally hear every single day in my, like, literally. If I'm working with a person with addiction or their family member, almost always one of these thought processes or statements or ideas comes up, and that's the block. It's not because you can't access treatment. It's not because of the stress. It's not because of your anxiety. It's because you're, you're opening the door for it to come back in with one of those statements I just told you. All right, let's see who's with us? Who's got questions if you want to join me on this live and talk. We were doing that for a while, but the holidays got in involved, so we hadn't done it in a minute. So you can join me live. And the way that works is you will put in the chat a number from 1 to 100, and then I'll take out the random number picker and whoever's closest to the random number that the phone will pick can come on here live. But please know this is public. You are live. Do not talk about anything you don't want out there. Totally want to respect your privacy. And if no one wants to come live, I totally understand that too. That's cool. I, I get it. Because these are. These are personal subjects that my room wants to talk about life. But if you have a question, if you've got an example of one of these, I would love to have you on. So go ahead and put your number in the chat if you would like to join me. You're going to need decent Internet and, like, decent lights so we can see you. And whatever device you're watching this on will work. So. All right. Put the number up there if you want to. Let's see who's with us. Hey, Claudia. Hey. Glamisaurus Rex. I've seen your. Your. What's it called, your profile name on here before, and I just love it. It's so funny. Hey, Beth. Hey, Anthony and Diggler, tc yes, you caught us live. Rachel's on here. She says her sons are hovering at stage four. Fentanyl and meth. For those of you who don't know, stage four is kind of like that end stage. It's like fully dependent. Like that's your whole life is revolving around at that point. And I know that must be tremendously scary for you, Rachel, especially because you're saying sons, which gives me impression that there's more than one. And that feels completely unfair. It seems completely unfair from my point of view too, with you. Let's see here. Liminals on here. Mike is on here. Hello, Candace. 7007A. Thank you for your nice, positive words. Let's see, Candace is on here from Sand Springs, Oklahoma. Amy. I'm trying to say hello to everyone. Janet. Hello, Janet. Luanna. Luanna says my boyfriend relapsed. Reason stressed at work. Short staffed, maintenance at work. So he took many bottles. But he told me because his behavior was off ER a week later and out working on Medicaid to set appointments. Okay, perfect example. L. So what you're telling me there is. You're saying my boyfriend relapsed because of stress at work. Now, I'm not saying stress at work doesn't make you want to use more, but that's not why you relapsed. One of these statements comes into play that. That allowed him to open the door to let that come back in. In. My guess is it's actually kind of multiple. Just reading this, and I know that it continues, so I just want to look at the second part, make sure I got all of it. Okay. Yeah. So the ones I'm gonna guess are coming in here, Luanna, are. It's not fair because, you know, all the stress at work. Poor me. Right. I have to, because I have to bring this in here because otherwise I can't deal with all this stress. I'll never be able to get all my work done. Like I'm. I'm drinking to help me get through the day. I have to. Because. And then also because you said many bottles, it won't hurt anyone. Many bottles are like sneaking. They're hiding, which is like, I can get away with this. So you also have a little bit of. It's not going to hurt anyone else. So they're actually more than one of these thoughts. My guess is at play here. What do you think, Luanna? See? Hey, debbie. Joanna. Debbie says those are extremely eye opening. The depth of the lies we tell ourselves. Yes, it's. It's the way we trick ourselves. And if you're watching this and you're not addicted, I want you to know this does not. These do not just apply to people who have addiction. These apply to all of us. And we all do this. Every single one of us. No matter what. We have some problem in our life. It's like reoccurring that we keep making the same mistake over and over and over again. And we keep falling in the same pattern. We can't stop. You've got something in your life and maybe you don't call it addiction. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you always pick the wrong men, whatever. Maybe you always spend too much money. There's something in your life that you know is a problematic pattern. And you can apply this to yourself too.

You're.

You're telling yourself one of these things to let it keep continuing. Because if. If you confront these thoughts and you're 100 honest with yourself self, and it's really hard to keep doing like making a wrong decision or a bad behavior when you're being really honest with yourself because you. You just don't give yourself permission to do it. You. You're not making it. Okay, so you don't let the door open. All right, let's see. Hey, Debbie Hood. Facebook user says you're light. You're late. Yes, you can watch this. You can always watch any of the lives in the replay. They're always up there for you on Facebook and on YouTube. Claudia Juju Bean. Let's see. Question. Oh, you did the question thing. That is super helpful. Let's see. When your addicted loved one uses one or all of these excuses mentioned here, how do you respond? Really great question, Lucy. How do you respond? Well, I can tell you how to not respond. Do not try to confront that statement dead on. Now sometimes if I have, I will confront these statements dead on with my clients. If I have a really good relationship and, like, there's enough good rapport there that, that I can just totally call them out and be like, dude, you know, you're, you know, you're tricking yourself by saying this. And they can hear that. But most time that would be even harder for a family member to do. So I wouldn't confront it directly. Sometimes the only thing you can do, Luanna, is let them be wrong. And, and, and they'll learn that they're wrong about these statements. They'll learn that these statements are irrational. If you stay back from it, if you try to get in it and try to stop them or try to shove it down their throat or try to say, well, you're just lying to yourself, they'll literally hold on to that lie longer because they feel like you're trying to force them into something or, or say something bad. And so they, they put all their protective mechanisms up and they'll. They'll, like, cling to the lie. So what you, the way you respond is you don't make it worse. Don't make them cling to the lie. Don't say something that's going to make them respond in a way out loud to you to justify one of these things. Like, if you, like some. The person earlier who said, my, my, somebody relapsed because of all the stress at work. If you went directly at that person and you said, you know what, it's time for you to be a grown man, and everyone has stress at work, and that's ridiculous. What is that person going to naturally think? They're going to naturally think everything against what you just said. You don't want that to happen. It's going to cause them to cling on to it. So sometimes what you don't do is even more important than what you do do. Let's see, do we have any more that say questions? Addiction and Family Recovery Channel.

Hello.

Hello to you. Luana says her boyfriend says, I can't because I have to find work. But I said, I think you should focus on your health and sobriety, and then everything can fall into place. Yes. Thank you. That's definitely a much better response. Luna. That giving someone permission to take the time to take care of themselves is, is totally okay, especially if you think that they're not ready to work or if they're not ready to work, or if you think they're going to use the having to go to work as an Excuse to maybe not engage in whatever they need to do to help themselves. Like. Like getting a new job means I. Well, I can't go to counseling appointments. I can't ask for time off. I can't go to my meetings. I can't do all these things. Sometimes it is kind of helpful to have a break and focus on getting your recovery in check and then add those things in. Let's see here. Hey, Lindsay. Thank you for the kind words. All right, last chance to put a number up here. If nobody wants to come alive, I totally understand that. I'm always surprised when someone does because it's not easy to talk on camera in public. It's definitely not easy to talk about such difficult personal things. I am going to put the link up here. Oh, we do have a number. I'm going to put the link up here to my relapse prevention playlist because it goes right along with what we're talking about today and goes more in depth into these kind of things. It's hard for me to spell and talk at the same time. Okay. All right. So we have one number. I see Nancy's got a number, 55. And no one puts the number up there. Then you're it by default, Nancy. I'm looking back through y'. All. Tell me if I missed a number. Oh, 56. I see you, Nancy. Look, I was going to miss it. Oh, 55 and 56. Right close to each other. All right, let's do our number picker then. Oh, Debbie has got a one. I feel like the price is right. Like when you. Like on the press. Right when you say $1. I feel like that. Let's see here. Here we go. Random number picker, 56. Oh, who said that? You got it dead on the money. Meant to be. Who was that? That was. I'm just. Look. Oh, Nancy. Nancy, I'm gonna put the link up here for you to join. I'm gonna put it right in the chat, and all you have to do is click it, and then it's kind of like joining a zoom. And then I'll, like, let you in, and then you'll be on the screen right here with me. All right, thank you. For everyone who puts a number in and is willing to come on here. Oh, and there was Lindsay. I see a 75 on there. I'll try to do this every time we have time to do this on Thursdays when I have time. I like to do this because I feel like hearing from you guys is probably the most helpful thing for everybody. Else more helpful than just hearing me all the time. All right, so we'll wait for our person to join us. Nancy says, how do I get in? You see the. The link right above your comment that says stream yard? You push it. Oh, you must have found it. There you are. Let Nancy in. Hello.

Hey. Am I on?

You're on, everyone.

I have two versions of you, so I hope I don't.

Oops. Are you still here?

Are you?

Yeah. You're good.

Okay, so what do I do next? I've never done this before.

Okay, well, did you have something specific you wanted to share with us, like an example of one of these statements, or did you have a question? Question.

I have more a question because I haven't talked with my daughter about her. Her alcohol use.

Okay, so. So you want to know how to bring up the topic?

Well, right now, the situation is she texts. She's never f. I. I wrote a comment yesterday that I kicked her out of the house, okay? And she has never been able to find a stable and safe place to live. And, you know, now I'm getting texts constantly. You know, I'm getting kicked out. I don't know where to go. I'm sick and tired. I need a rest, and I just don't know how to handle this. My Al Anon group tells me to just cut her completely off and tell her, only put SOS if you're seriously in help. But I still, in my mother heart, can't do that yet. So I, you know, I don't know how to deal with her because.

It'S.

Just such a mess and she's just so upset. She says she can't get. The police took her to the Batter women's shelter because the big issue was the boyfriend that was abusive. And last week, it. It blew up and he beat her up at work. But she says she can't get into the Batter women's shelter. I've given her all these other places, and she said they won't help her. And I talk to them and they say, oh, yeah, it's okay. You know, she can get in. So they're telling her one thing and she's telling me another thing, and she wants to come sleep at my house, spend some time. And I just don't want this. You know, I just can't handle her stress and her unwillingness and feeling no one can help her. And she doesn't have a car. She doesn't have a job. She doesn't have a driver's license, okay? Over DUIs. It's just a mess.

So. So the question is, is actually not as much about how I talked to her about her alcoholism, but more how do I hold this boundary? Like, what's the right way to hold the boundary? Is that it, Nancy?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

And. And when I try. Have tried to hold the boundary in the past, like, if I was Teller, you know, if you're in this mode, which I know is an intoxicated mode, but she won't admit it. I. You know, I. I don't want to have you at the house. And that would just freak her out, you know, send her off to.

What does she say? Just curious. What does she say when you say that?

I haven't said it exactly that way yet. I mean, I let her come over this past fall when things seem to be calm between her and her boyfriend. She wasn't texting me all the time about all the terrible things he's done, but the shoe dropped last week when he assaulted her. And so that's her life now is all the terrible things everybody else is doing.

Her.

He's taking out of 50B. And I went hallelujah. I've been trying to get her to take a 50B out for eight months, you know.

To do what?

I don't take a restraining order.

Oh, we're straight. Oh, that's like the legal jargon where you are. Okay. I didn't know what that was.

Each other, because they were so, so toxic this summer. They got kicked out of every place they lived because they were. They would fight.

Do they both drink?

Yeah. And apparently he's on drugs, according to her.

Yeah. Okay. Probably. I mean, there's several. There's. Well, there's a lot of things going on here, and I definitely want to answer your question about the boundary, but when it comes to the boyfriend, it sounds like there's sort of two problems. There's the drinking and the boyfriend. Right. They're almost like two addictions. Maybe.

Yeah. But, you know, according to her, the problem was all the. All. The whole problem is the boyfriend. But she still loves him.

Right.

And he lets her borrow his car, but then the price that pays, it'll beat her up, you know?

Right. Well, I have no idea, obviously. I'm just totally guessing here, Nancy, but.

Right.

My. My guess is, you know, those kind of things are really complicated. And she's probably telling herself, like. Like. Like so many people in a domestic violence situation. Well, yeah, he did that, but it was only because he was high. Or he did that, but it was only because I did X, Y or Z. And to be honest, there's probably a little truth in that. That doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean you keep letting it happen. But there's probably some truth in those statements. And to be honest, when you have two people who are abusing substances, chances are they escalate each other. And she knows that they don't decide. And that's probably why she can't just get mad at him enough and really see it to leave because she knows, she keeps probably telling herself, like, she's not going to do that anymore, or she believes him when he says it. And so they're both doing all these, like, these statements we talked about. They're both just doing it.

She's the only one who shows many love, you know, he'll give her flowers after he beats her, eyes black and blue, you know, and he'll, you know, nobody else, you know, I don't have a bride. And even though she doesn't have a license, he was letting her drive his car.

When she says those things to you, Nancy, what do you, how do you respond? I could imagine what you're thinking. You're probably thinking, oh, my God, really? But what do you say?

Well, like this morning when I got a flurry of text at 8 o', clock, I just said, I'm sorry. And then it was more text about how or, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I quit giving her resources be, you know, names and numbers because she was never, you know, she would discount them. So I don't say anything. But now it's, I'm tired, I need a rest. So she's hinting I wanted you to pick me up and let me sleep at your house. Just get away, you know, from this situation for a while. But I don't want to do that. Yeah, she hasn't come out and ask and I'm not volunteering.

And I'm, I'm gonna just assume you have a lot of really good reasons for not wanting to do that. And I'm sure you've tried that a hundred times in the past because moms don't get to this point all day. 1. Moms do not get to this point easy because there's, there's nothing about not bringing your baby home and putting them in a warm house and feeding them good. Everything about that is against a mom's instinct. So it tells me that some, some bad things have happened and that you, you've tried that, have no doubt. So when she's telling you that it's kind of hard because part of me says, well, maybe she's trying to be vulnerable with you and listening and empathy statements and reflection and all that could be helpful. But I get the impression that mostly she's just trying to guilt you.

Guilt me? Invent, you know, And I used to let. Listen to it, to let her vent, but then I just started going to Al Anon and they told me last week, it's hard on me physically and emotionally when I sit there and let her vent. Because usually the venting turns into a personal attack. You know, you're. Nobody in the family cares, you don't care, you're so terrible, blah, blah, blah.

Because the venting is. The venting in, in your situation isn't so much like a sounding board or just letting off steam. It's, it's. It's purposeful trying to make you do or not do something. And so if you just listen to her event, she gets mad because she wants more than just for you to listen. She wants you to do something. In most cases, probably. Okay, then in that case, it probably is not great for you to listen to all that. And it's probably not helpful for her either. So your tactic right now, it sounds like it's just sort of minimize your exposure to it. Yeah. Then you're probably. That's probably the right tactic. It's hard because I do think for her sake, it's good if you can have a positive emotional relationship with her, even if you don't let her back in your house. But if she's constantly angry at you and every time you talk to her, she's either guilting you or yelling at you or making you feel bad for not doing something, then it's kind of at a toxic point. And I don't know that you can turn that around.

So, you know, I've told her about a place that's 85 miles away. The rescue mission takes, you know, you know, women who don't have a job, they give them a job, they give them a place to live. And if she checks it, she'll come back and tell me, like every place else, they don't have room. She don't like what they're doing. They don't treat me well. I need understanding. And apparently they're giving her tough love.

So, yeah, in counselor school when I was in group therapy, there's. There's this. This sort of characteristic that shows up a lot of times, and it's called. It's called the help rejecting complainer. And it's this person that always has like a lot of complaints and these terrible things are happening and they, everything's horrible and terrible. But no matter what piece of advice or feedback anyone gives them, it won't work because. So they just reject any kind of problem solving, any kind of solution.

That's exactly, that's exactly it. I've been doing this for, like I say, eight months.

So if you, if and when you do have a conversation with her, instead of engaging with her in the conversation about the shelters or whatever it is that she's trying to talk to you about, if you're gonna say something, I suggest say something about the process of what's happening. For example, I feel like every time we talk you're trying to guilt me or make me feel bad or trying to make me do something. If I keep feeling that way, then I'm just gonna stop talking to you. That's a boundary. So you're, you're commenting not on whatever the logistical thing is she's trying to tell you about. You're not talking about the boyfriend, you're not talking about the shelter, you're not talking about the drinking. You're talking about what's going on between her and you and how you feel about it and the boundary you're going to set based on that dynamic. Another process comment you could say is, I feel like that no matter what solution is offered to you, that you reject it and the only solution that you're ever going to be okay with is whatever it is she's trying to make you do.

Yeah, whatever. You know, let me spend the day at your house for, you know, sleep at your house for an afternoon or, and, and see the next step. She says the guy, that the landlord where she's staying is going to kick her out. I'm surprised that's even lasted this long. And then I'll get. I don't have a place to go. I was on the streets. I slept outside.

You know, I don't know what to say. And I'm, I'm almost certain. But the reason that you're like, because she'll say, just, just let me come for an afternoon. It's because you know that it won't be an afternoon.

Well, it will. And what I tell her ahead of time now I've gotten smart. I say, at 6 o', clock, I'll take you over to the battered women's shelter or I'll take you to the shelter for the night. Okay, so she's already burned the bridge, her and her Boyfriend with spending the night at my house. I let that happen one night and I learned my lesson. Okay, so another question. Her birthday is next Wednesday, and she's turning 38.

Okay.

It's like, oh, my gosh, you know, I've already got her present, but she's not in a good frame of mind. So, you know, do I just let her come over and we have a diced dinner and I give her her presents and say, taking you back to.

Where you stay, what's the bad thing that happens if you let her come over? Like, does. Does it break out into a fight? Like, is it drama? Is it. She gets there, but then she won't leave. What happens if you let her come over?

Just complain over and up and down, complaining for hours. Yeah, I let her come last week, and she said she wanted to make mushroom soup, and she complained for hours. And then she left to go someplace with the guy and came home back, and I took her back to where she's living.

Okay, so it sounds to me like before you even come close to addressing this addiction, before you can come close to addressing this boyfriend issue, you gotta start with how she interacts with you. And so you're. You're really in a process of sort of training, retraining, the communication that happens between you guys. And I would do that with a combination of making process statements to say, it feels like this, you know, this would work better for me. And then if she can't do that, then just sort of remove yourself. Not forever, but just, you know, say, let's talk again tomorrow. And if that behavior doesn't work, it's just like. It's just like any other kind of behavior. A toddler, a puppy, or whatever. You don't.

Yeah.

You don't have to yell or scream or be mean. It's just. You just don't let the behavior work. And eventually it's going to train her to communicate. And if she says, you know, she wants to come over and say, you know what, I would love it. But I feel like the whole time you're over, you're negative, you're complaining, you're making me feel guilty, and that's just a bunch of bad mojo I don't want.

Yeah, that's. That's right.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Because it's all about her. She doesn't even ask anything about me.

It's all about her and how awful it is. Right. Because it sounds like she's kind of stuck in, like a victim thinking.

Absolutely. Yeah.

So I wouldn't confront her and say you're stuck in a victim thinking mindset because that's her side of the street. No, I would keep it into when we talk. This is how I feel. Okay. Because you're not telling her why she's doing that. You got to keep it on your side of the street to keep it being like a healthy boundary. And, and the boundary you said about I will pick you up at six and take you. That's an excellent boundary. I really love that. Because you're not saying what she is going to do or not do what she can and can't do. What you're saying is what you think will and won't do. And that's a perfect you, you did. You're doing that. Excellent. Here's what I can do. Yeah. Another thing that you might could offer is if she's saying these places don't have beds and this and that. Which is probably some of that might be true. Yeah. You could say let's call together and.

I'll try, I'll try that one again.

But, but it either she's telling the truth and you can call together and then you, you both get to hear the same thing so you're on the same page. Or she'll say just forget it. And if she says just forget it then we, we both know what's happening there.

Oh, I've been been there, done that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll get it to shut down.

Okay, well this has been really helpful just to have the words that say to her that won't set her off and, and you know, get her in, you know, all upset because she has assaulted me in the past. So.

Right. Because the victim thinking is just like we talked about before. The self pity leads us to justifying bad decisions. Whether it's drugs, whether it's being mean to someone else. It, it's that thought that we all do this sometimes I do it too. You know, I do this too to make other bad decisions. But it's like woe is me kind of thinking that leads us to why did I treat you that way? Well, it was because. And we have this reason when it's completely out of balance regardless. Yeah.

Well, this has been really helpful.

Very good. Thank you so much Nancy for coming on and sharing with us. It's super helpful for all of us to hear that because the things you're talking about, there are so many people listening right now that are probably nodding their heads and saying amen, Nancy. I hear you.

Well, if anyone wants him advice.

Oh, it looks like Nancy you froze on us. But we're about to end. I actually have to be on a podcast. There you go.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. And if you need some advice about your situation, you out our website. We do offer consultation calls, coaching calls, and even consultation emails. Now to talk about things just like this, like this is what's happening, what's the strategy? Because sometimes you just want to know, how do I say it, what do I say? What do I not say? And that's what those kind of consultations are perfect for. All right, everybody, live every Thursday at 1pm Eastern. I will see you next week and as always, release a new video on Tuesdays. And and up next is relapse prevention, which will add on exactly to what we're talking about today. Bye, everyone.