Can One Person Save A Relationship?

Can one person save a relationship? This is the question people ask when they're exhausted, when they're the one watching the videos, the one reading the books, the one that's trying to communicate better, or the one that's trying not to overreact, the one that's trying to understand the problem, like the addiction, if that's the case, the defensiveness, the avoidance, the moods, the excuses. And the other person is doing just enough to keep the situation from completely falling apart, but not enough to change And the truth is, one person cannot save a 2-person relationship, but one person can stop participating in an old pattern. And when you do that, you usually find out pretty quickly what you're dealing with. And it doesn't always have to look dramatic because sometimes things look functional from the outside. For example, like you're the one tracking the problem. You're the one bringing up hard conversations. You're the one trying to manage your tone so you don't explode or shut down. You're the one trying to keep the peace in the house, the one trying to get help for the relationship or for the person, trying to protect the kids, the finances, the reputation, the holidays, the future. And then after a while, you're just trying to save the relationship. You're not just doing that. You're trying to save the person that you care about, right? You're trying to save them. Or you're trying to save the family or save a dream, or maybe you're just trying to save yourself from having to face the reality of what this situation has turned into. Basically, most people don't stay because it's bad all the time. They stay because every once in a while it gets better short-term. Like they apologize, they cry, they have a good weekend. They say they know they need to change. They go to one counseling appointment, they cut back for a few days. They act like the person that you remember. And a good moment though is not the same as changing a pattern. That little good moment gives your nervous system a hit of hope and suddenly you're back in, you're thinking, maybe I was too hard on them. Maybe they finally get it right. Maybe this is the turning point. But if a good moment never turns into a consistent pattern, It doesn't break the cycle. This is called intermittent hope, intermittent positive reinforcement. This is intermittent hope, right? One of the biggest reasons people stay stuck is because they keep measuring the relationship by the other person's potential instead of the pattern that's clearly happening. Because you know who they could be. You know who they are when they're their best or when they're sober or when they're calm. You know who they are when they're not defensive or when they're not drinking or lying or avoiding or blaming or shutting down. But you don't live with their potential. You live with the pattern. A potential will give you hope, but a pattern can tell you what the relationship is built around. And the other reason why people stay stuck for so long in these relationships is because of guilt, right? They have this guilt inside. Guilt is one of the strongest forces keeping people stuck that are not— it's just not in relationships that are just not working. Right? So if it's not just that you feel hopeful intermittently, it's guilt. Like maybe you feel empathy for them because they had a hard childhood and you feel guilty for leaving. They have trauma or they're depressed or they're addicted or they didn't mean it, or they're not a bad person or they need me. What kind of a person walks away from someone who's struggling? And yeah, listen, like, I'm not saying those things don't matter. They do matter. Compassion matters. Context matters. Understanding matters. But then compassion can become dangerous when it requires you to abandon reality. You can care about someone the way they are without agreeing with the emotional shock for the rest of your life. Okay. Now, the big question when you're in this situation that you're probably asking yourself is, it's like this other person, they seem like they don't care, right? It's like you're the one doing all the work. You're the only one that feels like it's trying to save the relationship. So the question you're asking yourself is, do they really not care or are they just shut down? This is where things can become a little confusing, especially when it's addiction, shame, defensiveness, avoidance are involved. Maybe it's like attachment issue. Maybe they're avoiding attachment, you're thinking, because someone who doesn't care and someone who's defensive or shut down look very similar from the outside. I hear this all the time when we're doing consultations with people. Because we do these consultations, people are trying to figure out, should I stay or should I go? What's my next move? How do I get my person out of denial? That sort of thing. And you'll hear, we hear them say all the time, they just don't care. And it can be really hard to differentiate whether they really truly just don't care, whether they're hiding because they feel shameful, whether they just feel defensive or attacked or accused. Because when people are defensive, they say a bunch of crap. They say, I don't care. Or I don't— if you're expressing your feelings, they'll say, I don't care how you feel. Or You know, this situation I'm in is more important than what you're talking about. They'll say things and maybe they mean them, but maybe they don't. So either situation, you're dealing with someone who will avoid the conversation, minimize the problem, get irritated when you bring it up, make promises and not follow through. They'll act like you're the problem. They'll say you're too negative, you're too controlling, dramatic, sensitive, and they'll give you just enough to keep you engaged. But those are not the same thing as really caring, right? Here's the key distinction, right? If someone truly does not care, there is no amount of explaining, pleading, begging, crying, threatening, or loving them harder that's going to make them value something that they don't value. But if someone is defensive, ashamed, scared, shut down, If you're dealing with someone who's just showing you defense mechanisms, the way that you approach the problem matters a lot. You might get a totally different type of reaction out of them. It can really help tremendously. You'll start seeing a version of that person that you're like, oh yeah, that's why they are. But you've got to be careful about this because this is not just trying harder. This isn't just trying harder because trying harder will actually— Backfire on you. This is a strategic approach about how to get some through to someone without making them defensive, right? When you're scared and from a fear-based place, you naturally, you just try harder. You explain more, you show them more evidence, you point out the consequences. You try to make them understand how bad the situation is. You try to force these little moments of realization, but When someone's in this defensive posture, that pressure that you're putting on just creates more resistance. The harder you push on denial, the more you actually reinforce it. Now, that doesn't mean you do nothing. You don't stop trying to use strategies. You're just trying to figure out how do I bypass those defense mechanisms? So yeah, one person cannot make another person care. They can't make someone get sober. You can't make someone become emotionally Mature and healthy and respectful. But, and you can't make them, they can't carry the whole pattern of an unhealthy relationship, but you can stop the pattern. You can stop confusing and misreading the signals, right? You can stop confusing the little breadcrumbs they're giving you with actual change. Stop reacting from a place of panic. You can stop making empty threats. You can stop over-functioning. Write the word over-functioning in the chat or the comments right now if you know that you are the over-functioner. And if you've not heard that term before, it basically means it feels like you're the only one trying or you're doing way more than your load. You'll probably know that you're over-functioning if you feel like you're doing way more and you're building up some resentments about it. It's a pretty good indicator. You can stop being the alcohol police. You can stop trying to force an insight through criticism, especially because that's never going to work. Stop trying to protect the other person from every consequence they occur. Maybe it's their kids won't talk to them and you feel bad because you've been watching Amber videos and you know that criticizing isn't going to do any good, but you see other people criticizing them, like their kids or Their brother or whoever it is, right? And then you're trying to run interference for them. You have to stop approaching a problem in the way that shields them from reality, right? You got to shift that. You got to let them see what is really there and what's really going on. Because when you stop playing your old role, the whole system will start to respond. All right. Now here is a little clarity test for you. The question isn't, can I make them change? A better question is, if I change my approach, do they move closer to reality or further from reality? For example, when you stop attacking and you start using reflective listening or mirroring statements like we teach in the Invisible Intervention, those kinds of stuff. We talk about on this channel all the time. When you do that, do they soften at all? Do you get like a more engaged version? When you stop rescuing, do they take any responsibility at all? Now let me put a little caveat on this one. Usually when you stop rescuing, they don't like that at first, right? Because it's like you've changed the rules of the game and they don't like the new rules of the game. So you— so I wouldn't expect if you stop fixing everything for them that they'll immediately engage. This is going to require sort of consistent— you got to do it sort of compassionately, right? But back out and stop fixing everything and see if they will actually step up, right? If you stop chasing them, do they notice the distance? When you speak to their value system, which is something we teach in our Denial Breakthrough intensive, When you speak to their values instead of their shame, do they become more reachable? When you stop arguing about the facts and start naming the patterns, do they engage or avoid harder? Does it pull them closer or further from you? Does it pull them closer or further from the problem? That's how you start to get clarity. Basically, that's how you figure out, is this relationship salvageable? Can this person change? And maybe they can change, but is there a chance this person's going to change anytime in the near future? Because even though you may think eventually someone can change, it's like, okay, but I don't have another 10 years in me because there are multiple factors you've got to consider in here. And when we talk about this, most of us think about a partnership or that kind of relationship, but this can be any kind of relationship. It can be a sibling, a friend, An adult child, a parent. This applies to all types of relationships. Now, if you're unsure, is this savable or not? Is there some things that I can change that can get this thing to shift? Now, that's not me saying the whole situation is your fault. It's just me saying, do you have any influence whatsoever over the situation? Right. Are you dealing with a person who's still in there at all? Do they still have any care left? Right? Is this situation salvageable? That's a really, a big part of the reason why I created the Denial Breakthrough Intensive. We call it intensive now. I used to call it challenge, Denial Breakthrough Challenge, because it's sort of a challenge, right? Like if I change these strategies, can I get this person to respond to me differently? You're not going to immediately see them fix the problem overnight. But you will pretty quickly see them immediately almost change the way they're reacting to you. And when you start seeing that, slowly that breaks through their denial and allows them to see what the real problem is. Because one of the most painful places to be is not knowing what you're dealing with, not knowing if they truly care or are they just Selfish, right? Are they just using you? Are they completely checked out or are they just defensive, scared, shut down, but they're still reachable if you approach it differently? Those are the things that we teach in the Denial Breakthrough Strategies. It's to help you illuminate the difference because that's why we call it the intensive or the challenge. You know, it happens over, um, 4 days. And you'll be able to tell in those 4 days whether changing things is going to make any difference for you or not, because you can see the difference right away in how they respond to you. So inside that intensive, we're going to teach you how to approach denial in a way that lowers defensiveness instead of increasing it. Because I want you to stop begging, explaining, threatening, detecting, and start seeing what you're actually dealing with. Because Every day that you stay in a dysfunctional relationship is a day that you're not happy and a day that you can't get back. Did you know your time is the most valuable thing you have? Your time is worth— they say time is money. That's not accurate. Your time is worth way more than money. Money can be made, money can be multiplied, but time cannot. And you don't even know how much you have. Right. So You don't want to stay. I know if you're watching this video, you probably are stuck in it for years. My guess, you didn't find this video on the first week, right? This has been going on a long time and you're constantly asking yourself, is it me? Is it them? Can they see the problem? Are they just a jerk and they just don't have it in them? They don't have any empathy. They don't have any care, right? If you want to figure that out and you want more information on this, then sign up for the Denial Breakthrough Challenge. We have it every probably 8 weeks or so. Um, there are limited spots. The next one depends on when you're watching this. If you're watching this like today, which is July 9th, the next one is going to be August 3rd through the 6th. You're watching this later, that's okay. Just look and you'll, um, click the link in the description and you'll see when the next one is because we do have it every so many weeks. So Back to the original question. Can one person change a relationship? You can't do it by caring more. You've probably already been doing that. You've probably already been over-functioning. You're not going to do it by being patient enough. You're not going to do it by explaining it perfectly. You're not going to do it by loving them more or harder or by finding these, this magic evidence or way to get them to see how severe the problem is or how serious you are about it. You're not going to by becoming so understanding that you erase yourself and you put your own needs so far in the background, right? Even that, even trying to make yourself so small isn't going to make this person change or appreciate you more or even respect you. In fact, it'll probably make them respect you a lot less. But you can change the pattern. You can stop feeding the cycle. You can stop confusing hope with evidence and getting on that emotional rollercoaster. Like I say, just because they're on the rollercoaster doesn't mean you got to be on the rollercoaster. You can stop letting guilt make every decision. You need to think logically and strategically, not emotionally about these situations, because a big reason why you're already stuck in this pattern is because you're responding from emotion. One minute you're ticked off, one minute you're scared and desperate, one minute you're hopeful. And when you're making decisions based on how you feel in that moment, you're just never going to get anywhere, right? Because you're just chasing the emotions. And then when that emotion changes, you do something different. That's why you're not getting anywhere. You got to have strategy and you got to use it consistently. You have to learn how to approach someone in denial in a way that's going to reveal whether this person is reachable or not. Most people in my experience, of dealing with people who have addictions for more than 20 years now are mostly just defensive. Most of them really truly care. The crazy thing is they'll come in my office and they'll tell me that they really care or they really feel remorseful for what they did. And I'm like, have you told your person this? And they're like, no, because at the same time they do care, they feel they're also resentful and they're also upset and they, because they feel criticized or judged or whatever it is. And so they're only showing you that really negative, Part of them, maybe even a spiteful or angry, makes it even more than just shut down that that ugly part of themselves. And so it can be hard to tell if they really care or or if they're just stuck in their own pattern of defensiveness. Right at the bottom of the video in the description, you're going to find the link to the denial breakthrough challenge. If you haven't done it, I strongly suggest you do it. It's worth spending. A week of trying this instead of months and months and months and years and years and years going around these circles, doing the same old thing, getting a little dose of hope and then going back, back and forth, back and forth. All right. Hopefully I'll see you there. But we are about to the point in this conversation, if you're watching live, where I want to invite you to join the conversation. Bree is back there. She's moderating for us. And so if you've got questions, comments, Concerns, examples, pop them in the chat. Bree's looking through them now and she is going to help us pick some so we can respond and answer and we can have a conversation about this all together. Bree, anything back there? All right, here we go. Here's a question. It seems only I want my adult son to get better because his current actions say, I quit. I feel my job to convince him to keep going. If I don't, who will? Maybe his actions are screaming for help. How to distinguish quit from please help? When you say, um, quit, Mike, I'm assuming that what you're saying is like they've given up, they stopped trying. I assume you mean that, not like I quit. Whatever the addiction or whatever the problem is. I'm assuming you're just saying they've given up. And I will say, Mike, that dealing with someone who's given into a problem and just said this, you can almost feel like a hopelessness out of them, is harder than dealing with someone in denial. It's true. But it is also a point of view and a stance. It's kind of a victim stance, right? And it's a stance that lets people off the hook. Sometimes when I have a client, and I wouldn't do this without having a good relationship, so don't do this if you don't have a really solid relationship with someone, but they may say something like a statement of, I quit, I give up. And I'm like, no, dude, you're not letting yourself off the hook. This is about more than just you. And I might confront that a little bit, but you can only do that when you have a solid foundation of trust and good rapport. Yeah. But if whatever you've been doing isn't helping, then maybe— I'm not saying you should give up either, but try something different. If you're always giving them a pep talk, do the opposite of that. Whatever you do, usually if you're usually so nice and you fix everything, do the opposite. See if changing your strategy changes the pattern or at least the reaction you get out of them. What do we got next, Bree? How do we talk about something valuable with them when they had drank too much the night before and ruined the family get-together? It's hard not to be angry and remain calm. Oh, I'm really glad you asked this question. And this is the reason I'm so glad you asked this, Ashley, is because this is exactly what I mean by you got to respond out of strategy And not emotions. The strategies I teach are very simple. They're not complicated. And when you guys hear me say them on the videos, in our programs or whatever, you're like, I knew that. You know that as in just like, that's how you interact with a person, human to human. The reason they're difficult is because the emotions, right? You're mad at them. So if you were in our denial breakthrough thing, I would tell you what you actually want to do is have empathy for them. Strategic empathy, right? Maybe not emotional empathy because you're pissed at them, but strategically, if you can make an empathetic statement, like, because the thing of it is, is if they acted a fool last night at the event or whatever, they'll probably feel bad about it the next day. They're probably ashamed or embarrassed. And you can make empathy statements and say, I know you didn't mean for things to get out of hand, or I know you're probably feeling bad about it. Like empathy statements. It's not a guarantee to get a good response, but it's guaranteed to get you a better response than a confrontation or an anger statement. Even though that may feel authentic to you, it's going to push an angry button in them authentically, and you're going to get an authentically angry defensive reaction out of them. And it just doesn't bring you closer to where you want to be. So I would say an empathy statement to answer your question. Uh, Dog or Cat Dog says, what if your person is in denial, who's in denial, is long distance and you don't have daily contact? I think it is harder to use my strategies because they're relational strategies. Um, if you don't have contact, you don't have to have daily contact, but if you take the contact you have Not to try to fix them, not to try to directly address the problem, but you first have to build a relationship of trust and influence. So if you only have so many little conversations with them, you probably feel this urgency to get right to the heart of the issue, but you're— because things are falling apart and you want the person to see it before bad things happen, but you'll really only slow it down if you do that. Right. What you do is you make this person just avoid talking to you like the plague because the conversation's uncomfortable. So all you want to do if you have it is you just want to focus on building that relationship of trust. It doesn't mean you fix everything. It means communicating to them that you understand their point of view, or at least being pleasant to have a conversation with, using positive reinforcement or even humor. So learn that talking to you is positive. They'll talk to you more and more, and then you'll have more and more communication with them and you have more opportunities. That's how you increase the contact in order to use some strategies. Let's see. Our next question says, any insight into someone that immerses themselves in recovery but keeps drinking? My person goes to meetings, recovery center and counseling, has a sponsor, But the same pattern of money equals drink. Okay. I've seen this. I've seen this a lot. And I want you to know, first and foremost, it doesn't mean that they're faking. And it doesn't mean that they're really not trying because if they immerse themselves, that word that you used, it makes me know that they're doing more than just checking a box because you or someone else is making them immerse themselves means like they're really trying to be a part of a recovery community, or they're really trying to address the issue. If the problem is money equals drinking, then the issue isn't that they don't— they're not trying. The issue is they're not protecting themselves from the trigger, which is access, right? In this point, one thing I recommend in situations like this is that there's Something called a TruLink card, which is really just a debit card. It works like any other kind of debit card, but it doesn't let you get cash back. It doesn't let you buy alcohol, stuff like that. So you're dealing with an adult and it's hard for an adult not to have money, not to be able to get themselves lunch if they're going to work or whatever. So you don't want to completely make them feel like a child by not letting them have access to money. I mean, you can, and if that's what you have to do and that's what this person wants to do to solve it, then do it. But I like TruLink as an option. But even though that's a solution I'm giving you, the harder question is, is how do I get this person to come to the idea that that would be helpful for them? My guess is it wouldn't be that hard with this person because they really are trying and they probably are very insightful in understanding that the money is the trigger. When I used to counsel those teenagers when I was a baby counselor, one of them would say, dude, if I got 63 cents in my pocket, it's dangerous, which is crazy, but it's true, right? The money is a big trigger for people. What's our next question, Bri? All right. Chasing Violet says, my husband and I are separated but communicate often. He mentioned the ibogaine treatment. He says he has pain emotionally. What are your feelings on the treatment? You know, because I don't do that in the United States, I have known people who've done that, but it's been very few of them. So I don't have like a strong opinion about it. So I want to be careful because I don't want to say yay or nay on something I really don't understand. Um, but I have heard of success with it. I've heard success with this sort of epiphany. I've seen it. It's like some magic epiphany that happens that just changes the way you see. It's like a clarity. I've seen it happen from ibogaine, from other kinds of chemically induced situations. In fact, I don't know how many of you know this, but Bill Wilson from, as in the Big Book of AA, the founder of AA, When he got sober and had that big epiphany and that began the beginning of AA, the real story is there. He was in a detox center where they put him on a bunch of hallucinogenic drugs that caused this spiritual shift. I don't think it was ibogaine back then, but it was something in that genre of drug. So I'm not against it. Other things you could do is like, and there's a video, there's 2 videos about it at least on this channel. Um, like EMDR or the new version of that is called ART, not like painting therapy. It stands for Accelerated Resolution Therapy to help deal with, um, painful memories. And that's a fairly treatment. So, um, I wouldn't oppose it. If it works, it works. And if the person's willing to try something and they're trying it from sincere place, I'm not against it. Uh, Amna T. Jones says, my husband quit drinking 7 months ago and is not seeking help. He has anger issues that stem from his childhood. Any thoughts on how to get him help? Um, would your husband be open to getting help if it weren't for the drinking? Because sometimes people will get Help, but they don't want help with the drinking issue because it makes them feel defensive, or they have some ambivalence, or they don't want to be forced into something. But would, would he consider, um, something for the emotional, like the ART stuff I just mentioned? Dude, that can be like 1 or 2 sessions. Like, if it works, I mean, honestly, it's kind of magic or whatever. It sounds like magic, but go back and watch those videos if you want, because in one of them I interviewed the founder of the Of the technique. And then the other one, I interviewed an addictionologist who practices it and has had it done on himself, and he is in recovery. So you can kind of look at it from multiple— it's like 2 sessions and they're not even invasive as far as they got to talk and pour their heart out. You don't even have to build a relationship. It has to do with moving things around in your mind. It's kind of wild, but maybe he would be agreeable to that kind of thing. But let me say this to you, Amity. This is an important part. If you're going to approach the subject, don't approach the subject by he has anger and how that's making you feel. You talk to him about how it makes him feel. If he's angry and then he's remorseful, you approach it from an empathy statement of, I hate seeing you so mad at yourself. It's going to work a lot better than a statement like, I can't believe you did that again. which may be true and valid, but we're talking strategy here. I hope that helps. How do you get someone to stand up and advocate for themselves instead of getting into victim mode? I personally think victim mode is just really hard to penetrate. One of my old supervisors in the past used to say, if you're dealing with a person It's passive. You have to get more passive than them. And I have seen that work. I've also just seen that not work if you're dealing with a severely avoidant person. I can tell you what won't work is giving them a pep talk, is pushing them. An empathy statement is probably the most likely to get them to do something right. It's to find their motivators inside and pull them forward. All right, Bree says we are to the end of our time. Thank you, everybody. Hey, we had less tech issues than last week, right? That was a mess. If you came last week and you back up this week, thank you for believing me. I unpublished last week's video because it was such a technical mess with sound and everything that I re-recorded it. And so it's being edited by my editor and I'm going to release it again soon because so many of you commented like, I really want this information, but I can't. Hear it because it's cutting in and out. So we're working on that. Thanks for sticking with me. Um, link to the denial breakthrough is in the description, and we'll see you guys here next week, every Thursday at 1 Eastern. Bye everybody!