Amber Hollingsworth (YouTube) argues that painful breakups function like addiction withdrawal — neurochemical and behavioral dependence on a partner produces obsession, physical symptoms, and stalking-like behaviors. She recommends treating recovery like substance abstinence: recognize withdrawal is temporary, avoid triggers (social media, places, memories), set accountability with friends, and use behavioral strategies to shorten and lessen pain; a follow-up video on attachment style is recommended.
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When you go through a bad breakup, you actually go into a withdrawal state. Yeah. Like you were in heroin withdrawal, but you are in withdrawal from this relationship. You're in withdrawal from this person. And if you're not really, really careful, you are going to do and say some really stupid things that you're going to regret. And if you don't get a hold of it, you're gonna make it 10 times worse. You're gonna draw it out, make it last longer, and make it be more painful than it has to be. For those of you are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction. On this channel, we cover addiction from the addicted person's point of view and from the family member's point of view. Because beating addiction requires strategy. You're not powerless. And my job here on this channel is to make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. So let's get back to our topic now. Most of you that follow the channel already, you know, I'm an addiction specialist, so most people that come to see me in my practice actually come to see me because of addiction. But the other reason people come to see me and I don't really know how this happened, just kind of happened, is when they've gone through a really bad breakup, and they just can't seem to get over it, and they're, like, a mess for some reason. I get quite a few clients in that situation, and they don't even know it, but they're actually seeing me for the same reason. Because when you go through a bad breakup, you get in this withdrawal state, which puts you in this addiction, addicted state of mind, this desperation. And it is a bad, dark place to be. Almost everyone has gone through this at one point or another, and you know that it's just not fun. And most of all, you know that you end up doing things that you're really not proud of. When you're in a relationship with someone for a good period of time, you actually become dependent on that relationship. And I don't even mean dependent like codependent. Like, I just need them in my life. I'm talking about, like, physically dependent. Your body and brain chemistry wires up with their brain and body chemistry, and you actually need it the same way as an alcoholic needs alcohol. And if they don't have it, they go into a draw. And a lot of times, this can happen to you, and you don't even know it's happened because you've built up so much tolerance to it. You might not even feel that connection when you're in the relationship. But when it's over, oh my gosh, you go on this withdrawal state and you lose your mind. And sometimes you can't even figure out why, because you're thinking, why then that person was that great. But you didn't even realize because it happened over such a slow course of time that you became very emotionally and physiologically dependent on that person. And as you already know, breakups will turn you into a crazy, crazy person. But there are ways to get through it faster and easier. You don't have to make it harder on yourself. And of course I'm going to explain to you just exactly how to do that. But if you're confused and you don't know what to do, pretend to yourself that you were addicted to a drug or alcohol or something and you wanted to conquer that addiction and ask yourself, what would you do in that case? And then do the very same thing. Just relate it to the person. That is how you break an addiction. How you break an addiction is pretty much how you break an addiction. Doesn't matter what the thing is, too. It's just that when it comes to being addicted to a person, it's really easy to rationalize staying too connected to the triggers which keeps you stuck in that terrible, awful, addicted withdrawal state. I mean, they call it heartbreak for a reason. Like it physically feels like your heart hurts, doesn't it? There's a physical reaction and a psychological reaction. And if you're following the series, you might have heard me mention this in a previous video. But it's important to know that the addiction is actually the obsession about the person. And that obsession then triggers a certain set of behaviors which I've decided to call stalking behaviors. Now let's talk about what those stalking behaviors look like in a breakup situation. It looks like stalking their social media through your friend's profile so they don't know that you're doing it. It looks like stalking their social media because you made up different profiles so they don't know it's you so that you can to stalk them. It looks like spying on them, driving by their work, their school, driving by other men and women's houses to make sure that they're not there. It also looks like obsessively rereading all of your old text messages that you had and love letters that you had and obsessively staring at the old pictures and smelling the shirt. There's this desperation, this desire to Cling onto anything that reminds you of that person. Which I'm telling you is exactly like when you're in withdrawal from any other substance. You physically sick, you are emotionally erect, you can't sleep, you can't eat right, which are all the same things when you're in withdrawal from, like a chemical drug. But the most important thing that you can do to keep yourself sane is to recognize that you are in withdrawal and that withdrawal is temporary. You will not feel like this forever. I know right now if you're in this state, you feel like you will never love anybody again and you're not even sure if you want to live, and you're miserable and you think you will never be happy again and life is just going to be terrible and awful and horrible without this person. I know you think that because you feel that way because you're in withdrawal. The same way an alcoholic feels in their own withdrawal. That is what you feel. But it doesn't last. Now, the bad news is there's not really any way to skip this phase. But there are some things you can do that'll speed it up. Or rather some things you can stop doing that is that are prolonging it. Because you see, when you're in this addicted state and you just want to stay connected to those memories and you're just making up any reason to call that person to come over, and you're just making up any reason to even be around people that know that person to find out information. You have got to stop doing that. I want you to think of yourself like an addict. I want you to use that word. I am an addict in withdrawal. And this will not last forever. Because I think if you think of it like if I were trying to get over cocaine addiction, then I would not put myself around cocaine. I would not allow myself to have fantasies about cocaine. I would not allow myself to smell, to go to certain places. Because you know that when you do that, the chances that you're going to relapse really skyrocket. The same thing when you're in this breakup, love, addicted withdrawal state. Stop making excuses to expose yourself to your triggers. Stop making excuses to go into this fantasy life. Stop the bargaining, the shoulda, coulda, woulda, the begging, the threatening, the nagging, the stalking. And eventually you're going to feel really, really, really embarrassed that you did that. And I know that the feeling is very, very strong. But it is a feeling. And feelings are not facts. They're just feelings. And all feelings are temporary. Now, you can't really Completely fight it or ignore it. What I suggest is to imagine it's like a wave, because these feelings, they sort of build up on you. They get really strong, like a wave in the ocean that sort of picks you up, but if you will let it, it will subside. It's not really like a constant state of horribleness. It's these big waves of horribleness. And as time passes, those waves will get smaller and less frequent and smaller and less frequent until eventually you will get into steady waters. Your job in this situation is to stop exposing yourself to your triggers. I know that's hard. You will love someone else in the future if you just allow yourself to. Now, one of the things that I advise my clients, who are like, newly in the process of getting being sober, is I tell them to set up a system of accountability. Number one, if you start talking about the person obsessively, they're going to stop you. If you start asking your friends a bunch of questions about the person and who are they with and where did they go and what they do and did they ask about you and all that kind of stuff, they're going to stop you. That creates a system of accountability. Other things you can do to help yourself stay accountable is maybe take the social media apps off your phone for a while. If you can't do that, at least take them off the front homepage on your phone. Like, move them to the very back so you don't even see the Instagram and the triggers on the Snapchat and all the stuff as soon as you open your phone. Because when you're exposing yourself to those triggers, you're just making it harder on yourself. Stop trying to figure out if they're talking to another person. That will not lead you anywhere good. It will only lead you to making very desperate, very bad choices. All right, up next, I want you to watch this video on attachment so you can know what your love and attachment style is, so that moving forward, you can have even better, healthier relationships that are well suited for you. I know you think you never want one again, but you will. So watch the video.
