Dealing With A DRUG OR ALCOHOL RELAPSE

We don't want it to happen. We do everything possible to make sure it doesn't happen. But sometimes, no matter how hard we try, relapse is just a reality. I don't want to say relapse is part of recovery because sometimes people feel like that makes them almost like gives you an excuse or permission. But what I do want to acknowledge is that it happens. So instead of just ignoring the fact that it happens, why not let's just talk about what to do in the event that it happens. Thank you for joining. If you're joining on the replay, we're glad to have you here. For those of you who are new, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. I am master addiction counselor and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed specifically to make sure that you know the science and psychology of addiction so that you're always five steps ahead of it and you can get your life back on track. Alright, back to the topic. So I thought we would cover this topic sort of in two categories. I want to cover what my advice is to the person. So if you're the person that's struggling with addiction recovery and you've had a relapse, I want to talk to you about what your game plan is. Like a fire drill, what to do. And I also want to talk to the family members out there and talk to you about what your fire drill should be. And I'm going to talk about the individual first and then the family. Hey, Sandra. Hey, Tammy. I think it's important to look at this issue from all angles. As most of you know, at Hope for Families, we like to look at it from every angle and look at it from a family systems perspective because we know that people get better when the whole family gets better. Okie dokie. So let's go in here and look at the individual's person. This is your fire drill. This is what I want you to do in the event of a relapse. Okay? The first thing doesn't count. It's not even one of the three. I'm going to tell you two things not do, and then I'm going to tell you the things to do, okay? Because a lot of times the things you shouldn't do are just as important as the things you should do. Okay? So first and foremost, do not get the efforts. And by the efforts, I think you know what I mean. Don't allow yourself to have any sort of thought that goes anything like, well, I already screwed it up, now I might as well go all the way don't tell yourself that you've opened the beast and you can't shut it down. I know maybe you've heard that in meetings and treatment, but I don't want you to sort of fall into that self fulfilling prophecy and I don't want you to get so down on yourself that you give yourself permission to just keep the whole thing going because it's not helpful and it can be contained. And the sooner you can get it contained, the better. Now the next thing I'm going to tell you is one of those don'ts. It doesn't even count in the I'm going to get there is don't freak out and tell yourself that's it, you screwed up all your days. Maybe you had 300 days and you were almost two years, something like that, and you had a lapse. Don't tell yourself that's it. I have to start all over, you know, because that really gets you really down, really frustrated. It feels like you erased every good thing you've done and all the recovery that you've had, but that's not really true. Hey, Anna. Glad to have you all the way from Greece. Wow, that's cool. Hey, Davina. Hey, Lisa. So a lot of times when people go to like 12 step meetings or something like that, when the custom in that particular situation is if you have a lapse relapse, you pick up what they call a white chip, which is sort of a symbol of surrender. And it means kind of like I'm powerless, I surrender, I messed it up, that kind of thing. And it's like I'm starting over. And I understand the symbolism about picking up the chip because I think that that is an important part of the process. We're going to talk about that next and what to do. But I don't want you to feel like you're starting over, because let me tell you this, this is really important. You can't erase your good days. You can't take that recovery back. No one, not you, not anyone, can say that did not happen, that happened. And everything you worked for and everything you knew and learned, and however you much you grew is right there. And if you can contain your relapse, get yourself back together, you can get right back up and, and keep going where you left off. So here's the way I tell it to my clients. I'm not telling it to you this way. For you to give yourself like an excuse and say, okay, I'm just gonna have a little break from recovery. There's no such thing I don't want you to try to do this on purpose because let me tell you what, it's hard as heck to get it back together, and you do not want to have to do this if you don't have to. But let's say you had those 300 days, and let's say you were in a relapse for two days or three days or something like that. What I tell my clients is, okay, talk about it. You had this relapse. You had 300 days. You don't get these three days. These are not counting. You were using or whatever. But tomorrow, if that's. If that's clean day number one, that's 301 days. You see what I mean, what I'm saying? Like, don't erase it. Now. If you're out there using for like a long time, you go completely back in the mile. Like, it's bad. You might be starting over. But in the beginning, when you have these little lapses, you cannot erase that. You know, I usually say, like, once you have recovery, once you know the truth, you can't know it. It is in there. You can drink again, you can use again, but it won't never be nearly as fun as it used to be because you know the truth inside. And you're just going to be battling it the whole time because you're going to have that little voice in your head telling you you'll be able to know exactly what's happening. Makes it a lot less fun. So that's what I mean when I say, like, contain it. Don't let it keep going. And a lot of the thoughts that people have that allows them to let it keep going are they feel like they've ruined everything and that they have to start all over and they've already screwed it up and they're going to be in so much trouble ever. And then they just get the efforts and they throw their hands in the air and then they just let the damn break. That is what I absolutely do not want you to do. Ready? That's probably the most important thing I'll tell you. I'm going to tell you three things I want you to do. But those two things I just told you not to do. Most important. Hey, Betsy. Hey, Amanda. Hey, Michelle and Patricia. All right, here we go. I do want you to tell someone. In fact, I really want you to tell more than one person. But you've got to tell at least one person. And it has to be like, not like you're using, buddy, not them. They don't count like your sponsor, your therapist, a family member, somebody that's important in your support recovery system. You need to say it out loud because you guys know I say this all the time. Addiction lives in secrecy and darkness. It doesn't live in the light. And if you turn the light on it that contains it, it just doesn't live. It's like not the right conditions for it to thrive and survive. So talk to someone about it. Now, probably you're scared to talk about it because you feel shameful, you feel embarrassed. You might be worried you're going to get in trouble. So if you're worried you're going to get in trouble, you need to have someone you can talk about it that's going to be able to be level headed about it. It's going to be able to keep their cool and help you maybe just process through what happened. So I do want you to tell someone. The next thing I want you to do, number two is I want you to do sort of like a functional analysis of the situation. That sounded fancy, didn't it? It's not fancy. All that really means is I want you to think through what happened and why. Process back. Like for example, has this been coming on? Like, have you been feeling it coming for weeks? Because a lot of times you can and it just feels like you've been fighting it off for just till you were exhausted and the damn finally broke. Or was this like an impulsive. Like I found myself in this situation and there it was and I literally didn't see it coming. It was like a left hook and you just impulsively used, you know, was it an external trigger, like something in your environment? Was it an internal trigger, like a feeling, you know, have you not closed a back door? We have a video about that. You haven't seen it. It's like cut off all those ways which this addiction can sneak back in on you. You know, figure out what happened. And number three, make corrections. Just don't beat yourself up too much. That's not helpful. Stop, acknowledge it. Analyze the situation and auto correct. You remember before you had like GPS on your phone and like the cool thing was like you had like a garment or some kind of like electric map system that you like plugged into your car or something. And it used to say recalculating all the time. Recalculating. That's the thought I want you to have. Recalculating. All right, now we are going to move on to the family instructions. I'm going to talk to the families now. About what I want you to do if your loved one relapses. Let's see. Hey, xx Holly, I'm trying to see all. Trying to say hello to everyone. If you can't see your comment posted up here, it may be because you're in like our closed Facebook group and you have to give the system permission to do that. You just scroll to the top of the chat and there's a button up there I think you can push. I think you can leave your name off too. And you can post a comment without your name being attached. There's some options. Okay, so let's get to the family. Family, same thing. I'm gonna tell you what to don't do, which is probably more important than the three things I'm gonna tell you to do. Okay, this is most. Do not freak out. Don't lose it. Just like I want the person to not freak out and think it's the end of the world, it can't be brought back together. I don't want you thinking, oh my gosh, it's going all the way back the way it used to. That's a natural instinctual response. But those of you who've been watching videos for a long time, especially those of you who are like, in the invisible intervention, you are like well trained soldiers and you've learned how to keep your emotions in check and to make strategic decisions. Do not let that fire alarm start screaming in your head because if you do, it's going to make you do the second thing that I'm going to tell you not to do. Here's your number one job. Ready? Like literally. Get a pencil, write this down. Your number one job is do not get back on the roller coaster with them. Here's what addiction wants to happen. This person relapses and then the family comes at them the same way they used to come at them before, just like hardcore. Because then the person's going to get defensive. That's going to make the whole thing go on longer. Hey, Taylor. And so I just want you to not get back on the roller coaster. I want you to keep doing exactly what you're trained to do. Like I said, you guys are soldiers. You know what to do. You've got your plans and I want you to hold course. If you keep doing everything I've taught you to do and you don't veer from track just because they did, they will get back on the track way faster because they almost need you to get on a roller coaster with them to keep that thing going. If you don't, if you just hold your steady, I promise you this thing over here will be much shorter. Because most of the time it's just really hard. Because remember what I've taught you is they need that justification. They need something else to focus on. What they need is for you to get in there and act like crazy lunatic again. And then it's really easy for them to get the efforts. So do not give it to them. Don't do it. No getting on the roller coaster. Just because they do does not mean you have to. All right, here's the things you should do. The first thing you should do, of course, while you're not reacting, is to assess is there some kind of safety or, you know, situation going on? Like whatever happened, is it put you or your family in some kind of like serious safety risk? If that's the case, I want you to deal with that first. You need to make sure you're safe, your children are safe, other people in the house are safe. You need to do what you got to do as far as all that goes, okay? Usually just because someone had one relapse, unless it was really bad and bad things happen, it doesn't necessarily put everyone in an unsafe situation. It probably will if it keeps going. So you have to reevaluate this along the way. But most of you guys know that I always teach you, like, don't have these, like, hard and fast, like no tolerance rules. Like if you drink one more time, that's it, you're out endorsing you, or I'm not paying for college or whatever. You know, I've already trained you not to have those rules. So you shouldn't have to like implement that if you don't want to. If a situation doesn't, go for it because you didn't, you didn't create that rule, right? Hopefully not. Okay, so safety first, Deal with that. The second thing I want you to do, if safety is not an issue and you're in the right mind space to do this, I want you to have a conversation with the person about it. But I want it to be a non reactive conversation. If you hold your cool, it's gonna go so much better. If you can get yourself into the state of mind where you can just talk to them about, just process it with them. And by doing that, I don't want you to say like, well, why did you drink? Or why did you use? Because that's such a hard question. And sometimes people just make up an answer to that because they feel like they should have an answer for that. And sometimes they don't know. And if they don't know, that's okay. Like, a lot of times with my clients, they have real. It's like, I don't know what happened. And so we just sort of walk back through it and process, you know, what were the factors that lead up to it. So if you can process it with them in a calm way, then do that. If you can't, because you're just, like, super freaked out and scared, and now you're really triggered, it's okay. You don't have to. Don't do it unless you're in the right state of mind and it's okay for you to take care of you. You don't have to do this, but you can do this. If you're in the right state of mind and the other person's in the right state of mind. Don't. I should have said this. I didn't write some ones. But don't try to have that conversation with them while they're intoxicated. That's the given. But it just occurred to me, maybe I should say that. Hey, May from Georgia. All right, number three thing that I want you to do, and this is what I would do in my. If the person was in my office. And so I know sometimes that you're on the front lines and you're the one that's going to have to do this. That's why I always try to teach you what I would do. What I would do is I would try to help the person to contain it. And the way I would do that would be I would address those two things that I just told you that I just told in the beginning when I was talking about what the person should do. I would say, you haven't screwed everything up. I would say, you can't take back what you had. I would say, you are not back to ground zero. So I would, like, head that off at the pass as fast as possible, and that's going to help that person to contain it. A lot of times when people come in, they feel awful, and they just. The idea of starting all over is terrifying and humiliating, and it just makes you just want to throw your hands in the air and give up. And I'll say, oh, we're not starting all over. Like, dude, you drink for two days. We are not starting all over you. You still know everything that I've taught you on this way. No, we're. We're going right back to where we were. So I want you to contain it. And sometimes they're surprised to hear me say that because they think that I'm gonna think that they have just ruined everything. That's the last thing you should tell that person, because their addiction wants them to think that, because that will keep the thing going. So if possible, try to help the person contain the issue. Help them not feel like that they have ruined everything and that they can pull it back together. And lastly, this isn't one of the three, but you can. You can. If there's something that you figure out in that conversation along the way that you think might be helpful, you can say, would it help if I. Would it help if I made sure the Christmas party wasn't here? That way that, you know, there wouldn't be, like, people in the house drinking. Would it help if I, you know, ran interference for you in this situation? Would it help if I covered so you didn't have to go that way? You know, do something helpful. Not necessarily. Like, would it help for. If I call that treatment center and got your butt in there? That's not what I'm talking about. Something that the person will perceive as helpful. Or you can say, is there anything that we can do different on our end? You know, you can ask if there's something that you can do to be helpful. Now, if you're interested, then I can make a video for you guys about how to do one of those functional analysis, you know, how to really think through the questions you should really ask yourself. I don't want to get too deep into that because it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. But if that's something that you guys want, if you'll let me know in the comments that that's something that you need or that you want, then I can make a video on it, and I can get you access to that just for the people who need it or want it. And you might not need it or want it right now, but you might be like, well, I might need or want that later, so let me just get that. And then you can use that later on should you get in that situation. But you're not gonna get in that situation. But if you do get in that situation, so it's gonna happen. Now, if you're dealing with, like, if you're dealing with someone who's gotten sober for the first time, chances are you're gonna have some of these lapses. It's part of the process. It's part of the learning process. It's like riding a bike. It doesn't mean they don't mean it. It doesn't mean they're not trying. It just means it's a learning process. And I have never seen anyone get it on the very first try. Now, sometimes people get sober, like the first time they go to treatment, but that's the only reason for that is because they done tried 5,000 times before they got themselves to treatment. So no one gets it on the first try. So don't let that discourage you. Don't freak out. Don't get back on that roller coaster. If you're dealing with a young person, like a teenager or a really young adult, like a college student or something, chances are you're gonna have some of these lapses. And when I'm dealing with my clients, I'm dealing with a young person especially. It's not in my mind. Like, my thought is not like, oh, my gosh, this person is never going to use again. My goal with this person is to make sure they understand what's going on. They understand exactly what to do if they find themselves in a real life. They understand how to analyze what went wrong and how to get support, because chances are, it can happen. And there are a lot of things you can do to contain the situation. All right, we're going to stay on here for just a few minutes and see if anyone has any good questions. Then we're going, and then we're gonna hop off of here. So if you've got a question, put it right up here in chat for me and we'll try to answer it. Or if you want to share an experience you had, that would be super awesome as well. Maybe something that went really well that was a great thing, or something that went not so well. Like I said, both of those things are helpful. Sometimes knowing what not to do is just as helpful. Let's see here. Oh, I didn't say hey to Amanda, who's watching from Ireland. Oh, my gosh. That's so crazy. Ireland. Look at that. And Marion, who's from Cincinnati. And then we have. My name is Tannenbaugh, says I feel like I relapse. What do you mean by that? Like, are you. Is it like, I'm unsure if I relapsed, or are you saying, like, I feel like I'm going to relapse? Let us know about that. And if there's something we can do to help you think through that, we're happy to do it. We've got Davina from the uk. We got people from all over. That's so exciting. Let's see let's see if we got any questions. Sometimes it takes a minute for them to pop up here. A lot of times families ask me this question. They'll say, does the person need to, like, immediately go at a treatment? No, not necessarily. Especially not if you're thinking about, like, inpatient treatment. Hopefully they have a support system in place. So if they go to 12 step, they should have a sponsor and some other system in place. They should go back to that or back to their counselor. But just because someone lapses does not necessarily mean they need to go back and do 90 day treatment from day one to day nine here, whatever. Like, that can be somewhat counterproductive. And plus, it's, like, really expensive now if the results goes on and on and on, sometimes you do have to start over that. But I just don't want that to be your automatic first thought. Pauline said, would love to ask more questions, but it's all. But it's too something. I couldn't read that. My name is Tannenbaugh. Says, I gave my partner an ultimatum. Do not drink in the house or you're out. And both of us use alcohol. We lasted two weeks and we started drinking, and I lost my job. Okay, so it sounds like you're trying to hold you both accountable. Tanner. And you're saying, all right, if this happens and you just draw this, like, real hard line in the sand, and you think that's going to make sure that the per. That me or them, we don't cross the line, it doesn't. It doesn't work to draw those hard lines, whether it's for yourself or for a loved one. In fact, when you come at addiction recovery in some kind of restricting way and some kind of punishment kind of way, it really does the opposite, has the opposite effect. It makes us want to be rebellious, even towards ourselves. If we tell ourselves we can't do something, we just have that rebellious. I just want to do it anyway, you know, we don't like to be told we can't do something. What? The way I like to do it is to tell people to think about not what you can't do or don't want to do. Not like, I don't want to drink anymore, but more like what I'd like is to, you know, wake up every morning feeling great and ready for the day. What I'd like is to feel proud of myself again. What I'd like is to be able to go to work without feeling crappy every day. You know, tell me what you do want, not what you don't want. And that might help you stay more motivated than those, like, punishment hard lines. I hope that helps a little bit. Amanda says best advice is to keep calm. So far with my son really starting to get our relationship back on track. Hey, Amanda, that's good news. Flapjack says, what are your thoughts on court ordered treatment through the prison system? I'm not opposed to it. In fact, I think that that accountability is a huge, helpful piece. It is as helpful as the treatment piece itself. So, yeah, I'm okay with it. I don't have a problem with it. Was it the. Was it LT who was on here with me? He's from the YouTube channel, recovering out. He called it a nudge from the judge or something like that. Funny. Yeah, I like it. Davina says we sent our son to several rehabs when he was younger and now he's really against going and says it doesn't help. And he knows what they're going to say or do on a script, but still using. Always on a. Like a prescription script, but still using. Yeah. And so you've got to decide, is there any truth in what your son's saying? There might be. If he's been in treatment a bazillion times, he probably does know what they're going to say. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean he shouldn't go because sometimes just being contained and away from the substance where he can't use for a period of time is necessary, sort of to stabilize. On the other hand, he may have a point, and it may be time to try something else or do something else. Or you can say to your son something like, okay, well, this plan isn't working, so I feel like we need some kind of plan. What do you think would help? Let them try to maybe be involved in some of the solutions. And I think that's helpful. Anytime you give someone some kind of, like, I think you need to go to treatment or something. Give them options like multiple choice. Have it A, B or C, something like that. S. Boone says, be thankful they entered treatment to begin with. Look forward to what you want, not being fearful of what might happen. That's right. A lot of times when your loved one is in treatment or they just came out of treatment, you're just living in fear and you can't even enjoy the moment that you're given. And I know it feels to you probably a little like, well, if I don't get my hopes up, I won't be let down. But that's not true. That's just a Little mind trick you play on yourself. Hey Sue. Hey. Let's see, we got another comment up here from My name is Tannenbaugh. If I do try to stop, I feel bad for not drinking with my partner and start enabling him. Sometimes he would get mad at himself for drinking and he starts drinking even more. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying. It's like the more you beat yourself up, worse it gets because just like you defend yourself against someone else who's eating up, you actually defend yourself against you being up. So it kind of has the circular thinking of like being really negative on yourself and then you rescue yourself by making a bunch of excuses about what happened. So it's just problematic. If you haven't seen that video that I did with Kim a while back called the Drama Triangle. It's about the, the unhealthy roles that we play. That's a really good one for that. Lisa. Lisa says, I'm so happy someone from another recovery site told me about your videos dealing with my 40 year old daugh an active addiction again. Tough love, never work. Rehab twice already. Hey Lisa, I'm glad they told you about us too. We're glad to have you. Xx Holly says, I think they just use it as an excuse so they don't have to change. Just use what as an excuse? The beating yourself up? Is that what you're saying? Xx like, like the whole like I can't do it. I'm just like the worst loser ever. I've definitely heard that. And I've told clients, I was like, oh, if you're not doing that, you're not going to beat yourself up and use that as an excuse. Not happening. So I'm with you. Hey Karen. Oh, that was to Tannenbaugh. Okay, thanks. That helps me. All right guys, I'm gonna hop off here. I'm on here every Thursday at one live and we release a new video every Tuesday morning at 8:30 Eastern Time. And make sure you have your bell notifications on because a lot of times I put those little bonus ones in. And next month is September, which is recovery month. So I am going to be putting some extra little bonus stuff in there for you. So make sure you have your bell notifications on and I'll see you then. Bye.