Dealing With Drug Or Alcohol Addiction In Your Family

Today we are going to be talking about all about how to take care of yourself when you have a loved one struggling with a drug or alcohol problem. But we're not going to do it in those typical ways. I'm sure, you know, all the standard stuff about exercise and eat healthy and, you know, get a massage and all that regular advice, which isn't necessarily bad advice, but those are things that, like the massage thing, you know, you can get your nails done or make yourself feel better that way. Those are things that will help you feel better in the moment if you're having a bad day, which, like I said, is not a bad thing. Eating healthy and exercising and all that stuff will help you sort of sustain yourself through all of this difficulty that you're going through. But today, I really want to focus on some deeper level things that are going to keep you sort of grounded and build a steady base underneath you so that you're not as easily sort of rocked or sort of overwhelmed and that sort of thing. Many of you probably saw my video that I released, I think it was last week, about how living with addiction causes trauma. And we talked about all of those trauma symptoms, all that emotional dysregulation and the chaos that basically it brings into your life. So today, let's talk about some of the ways to manage that, avoid that maybe, or at least get it under control during the really bad times. If you are new here, thank you for joining us. You're watching Put the Shovel Down. And I am Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor. This channel is all about helping you survive and conquer addiction so you can get your life and your family back on track, because you deserve it. You did not set out to live this nightmare. This is definitely not the way you designed your life. And you want and need and deserve much better for yourself. And I'm going to help you get it. So let's go through the list. I've got it sort of put into some do's and don'ts for you. Do you guys have a preference? Would you rather have the do's or the don'ts? First, somebody let me know. It's kind of like you want the good news or the bad news. You want the do's or the don'ts? Let me know in the chat. All right, you got about two seconds, or else I'm gonna decide for you. All right, since I'm not hearing anything from you guys just yet, I'm gonna give you the do's first, and then we'll do the do nots. So let me get my handy list here. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget anything. Do. Oh, good. Do's perfect. We're lined up. Don'ts. Oh, sorry, Kathy, you're just a second too late. Alright, so what I want you to do, first and foremost, you're already doing it. So you can feel happy for today. That is educate yourself. Educate yourself about addiction, about treatment options, about family resources, and all of that. All those things that you're doing, if you're watching this video, you're doing it. If you've watched a bunch of my videos, you've done it a lot. But there's even lots more things out there other than my videos that you can do this with. There are books and podcasts and all kind of stuff out there that you can use to educate yourself. And the reason why this is important is because when you could do this, you get out of your emotional brain and into your thinking brain. And when you're in your thinking brain, you can make logical, strategic decisions, and that will also help to control your emotions. Did you know that you can control the way you feel by controlling the way that you think? So if you're already in the feeling zone, dealing with that with more feeling stuff isn't going to help control those feelings. It's probably just going to gasoline it. You got to get out of that feeling part of your brain and into the thinking part. And the more you know and understand what's happening, you're going to be dealing with it on that logical level, which is going to help you so much. Donnie is saying I'm sideways. Am I sideways? Oh, my goodness, that makes me mad. Well, I can't change it once we start, so I'm going to keep going, record it this way, and then I'll have our editor flip it for you. That's so frustrating. I hate that. Thank you for telling me, though. So, like I said, you got to get out of the emotional and into the logic. All right, let's move on to the next one. Do surround yourself with positive influence. And what I mean by that is surround yourself with people who have come through this and out the other side and they have a good outlook on it. Surround yourself with media that's very positive about it. You know, when you think about what you read, what you watch, the podcast that you listen to, all of that stuff that you surround yourself with, if it's constant negativity, it's going to keep you negative. On Facebook, I get so many comments on my videos, and if I'M going to get negative comments. It's usually on Facebook. I get some on YouTube, but not that many. But on Facebook, man, they are rough. They will tear you up. But when I post up on Facebook, a lot of times I'll just immediately get people with some negative comments. And it's not that frustrating. In fact, I feel kind of bad about it because a lot of these people have just. They're negative because they've been through some horrific things. I mean, some people have lost loved ones, some people have just destroyed families. And I get it. So there's no judgment about that negativity. Like they, they have every right to feel that way and I don't blame them at all. But if you're currently going through this, surrounding yourself with that is not going to be helpful. And I mean by those people who are just immediately like, just leave them. If you're dealing with an addict, they're just a no good loser. They're never going to get better. Get out of there. Now. You may choose to get out of there, but when you just surround yourself with that negativity, I'm telling you, it's just not going to be helpful. It's just going to harm you in the long run. So when you're around that, get away from it. If you're around people who, I guess I'm in the don'ts for a second. If you're around people who are telling you what you should and shouldn't do and making you feel like it's your fault and making you feel guilty and terrible all the time about what's going on, don't put that in your life. Keep positive influences in your life. Anytime I'm trying to do something, if I have a goal, if I'm working on something, I literally surround myself in every way possible with information and support and knowledge. I love to have a mentor. I love to read a book. I love to watch a YouTube video. Like literally for the two hours right before this, I was watching inspirational videos on YouTube. Some of them I watch because I love the way they present and I want to be a good presenter. Some of them I watch because I want to learn all the different ways people think about addiction. But I'm constantly surrounding myself with new and constant inspiration that controls my creativity, controls my thinking and my mood. And I really encourage you to do that too. And maybe even it's not, doesn't even have to be like positive support books, whatever, about addiction. Doesn't have to be about that. It can be about whatever it is that brings out that positive part of you. In fact, the more you want to surround yourself with positive other things and think about other things, the better. So like I said, it's not just thinking about that all the time. Which leads me to our next one. Number three. Do set limits on the time and energy that you allow yourself to give to this topic. Yes. You have to deal with it. You can't ignore it because it just does not go away on its own. But do you need to talk about it 24 7? No. Do you need to think about 24 7? Definitely no. So in a lot of the families that we see, we actually put actual, like, parameters around how much they can talk about it. Especially if it's like more than one person in a household and one person wants to talk about it all the time, the other person doesn't want to talk about it at all, then I'll say, okay, you can talk about it, you know, once a week when you come see me, or you can talk about it once a day for an hour a day or something like that, but put some kind of control or limit around it. It's a stressor and it's a threat to you. So your brain is so naturally going to want to obsess about it, because that's what our brains are designed to do. They're, they're there to protect us. And, and when our brains try to protect us, they make us obsess about threat. But the more you do that, the more you're going to dysregulate your emotional system and you're going to be having a lot of those trauma symptoms like we talked about last week. So make sure that you limit the time and attention that you give to it. Thinking about it hours and hours on end will not make it better. Do get good support. And that kind of goes with surround yourself with the positive influence. But for this one, I've kind of put good support in two categories. You need good support emotionally. You know how we all have those. We have different people in our lives that serve different purposes. And not everybody has to do the same thing because we need different things. Things. But some people just know how to make us feel better. They're just good listeners. They just know how to validate our feelings and they help us feel better. You need that in your life. But a lot of times when you're dealing with this, you need a person in your life also that can give you some constructive feedback and some good advice or coaching or something like that. So when you think about positive support. Think about it in both areas so that you're such a balanced. You know, I usually say you have two kind of friends. You have your friend that tells you what you want to hear. Your friend tells you what you need here. But they're both friends. Think about them in those categories. Get both of those kinds of supports. All right, we're going to move down into the do not list. Here we go. Do not. Oh, this is big. Probably should have started with this. Do not, if you can at all help it. Seriously, do not do all the spying and the snatching and the sneaking. Don't be digging through the stuff and driving by to see if the person's there. It is going to make you bonkers. I'm serious. It's gonna undo anything I just told you in that positive category. So don't do it. And maybe this will help you not do it. You don't have to do that. You don't have to look for it. If you're dealing with addiction, it will show itself right in front of your face, and you don't have to look for it. I'm not even playing. Like, you can't miss it if you tried, especially once you know it's happening. And I know you may think, but it went on a long time and I didn't know it. Well, that was before you knew it. And you just. And you just was sort of not even on the radar, so you just missed it. But now that it's on the radar, like, you're not going to be able to help but know it. That's your problem. Stacy. You're not alone. Stacy. It's really hard not to do this, but you're gonna have to make the decision to turn the obsessor off. You don't have to look for it. You're not going to control it that way. And all it's going to do is keep you dysregulated and keep you locked into that power struggle with your loved one, which is just depends on how many videos of mine you watch. But if you've watched a lot, you know, it's just going to keep them distracted about fighting with you and power struggle with you, which is going to keep it going longer. So it takes a big sort of let go, faith kind of step here. But trust me, you don't have to look for it. I don't search it down. I don't have to. And I deal with addicts and our clocks every day. In our office, we do drug testing for the people in our group. But I do that for them. I do that to help them make good decisions because it gives them accountability and that kind of stuff. And it helps them prove to their families, you know, that they're making good choices. But I don't try to be so sneaky that I catch them and everything. I'm not trying to do that. And what's nice about it is I'm sure that some people, like, cheat drug screens. I'm not dumb. But if you're an addict or an alcoholic, you're not going to be able to cheat it consistently over the long haul enough effectively, like, eventually you're going to forget your plans, going to fall through. Your detox drink is not going to work, your urine that you bought isn't going to be clean or it's going to show up as synthetic. I just don't worry about it. And honestly, because I don't chase it that way, I get a fair amount of positive drug screens, which tells me that people aren't trying to cheat the system. They'll just say, yeah, and we'll just talk about it, which is the system that I like to have in my office. Because I don't want it to be like a probationary thing. So I'm telling you, you don't have to do that. You can chase it. You can do all of that stuff. But they're just going to be constantly figuring out ways around you. You will be tied in cat and mouse. Please. If there's anything you get from this video, take that. Don't do it. Don't try to control the meetings they go to. Don't try to make sure they talk to their sponsor. You're not gonna win that way. Let go of that rope. Next. Do not allow people to be negative around you. We talked about that one a little bit before. But even if you go to, like, maybe a support group, which I'm a huge fan of, support groups, definitely go support groups. But if you're going to one where it is constant negativity, because groups are. Groups have personalities as a whole. And sometimes you might have to go to a few to find your one. If you're going to one that is just constant negativity, that's constant, like bashing and hopelessness, don't. Just don't do it because you're gonna leave feeling worse every time you go. Now, obviously, people have a hard time and people share that in support groups. And we rally around each other. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking, you Know what I'm. You know, if you've had this, then you know it because you. It's just, it's just super negative and you're gonna know it. So if you live in a place where there's not a lot of support groups, there are a ton of online support groups. And in fact, after I get off this video, I'll put a link for you in the description in case you don't have access to that kind of thing where you live or you do, but there's only one like family group and it's terrible or something, I'll give you some other resources where you can access that kind of thing. So control that influence. And lastly, do not over help the addict or the alcoholic. I know we have about 15 videos on enabling, but this is just one more reminder. And maybe if you're struggling with it and go back and watch some of those videos. But the reason I don't want you to over help isn't really because I'm so worried you're going to enable them. The reason I don't want you to over help is because it's going to lead you to resentment and that's going to lead you to a bad place. Because honestly, it has much more of an effect on you than it's going to have on them. So you're going to know you're over helping when you're building resentment. And my formula for that is always if they help themselves, if they take a step, you take a step. If you're taking more steps than them, you're going to be resentful and it's going to turn you into a nasty, ugly person that you don't like. And it's gonna cause you to be super negative with them, which is not gonna fix the problem. It's gonna keep everybody locked up. Thank you. For whoever there, you're just like a confession. I saw where you just said you're bad at that. It's really hard not to, especially if you tend to fall into the rescuer role. I think we have a video with Kim helped me on it where we talked about rescuers and victims and persecutors and that kind of thing. But you're gonna know you're doing it. If you're helping someone, you leave feeling really good. Cause you help feeling. Helping people makes you feel good. So you feel good about it. And the way you'll know you feel good about it is because you're helping someone that's making some changes, that's helping themselves a little bit. They take a step, you take a step, you're gonna leave feeling good. If you're doing way more than they're doing, eventually you're gonna get ticked about it because you're gonna be exhausted. You're gonna have let the thing cross your boundaries, you're gonna have overextended. And when they don't help themselves or they don't appreciate you for it. My son's been living in a sober living house and I get anxiety at the thought, oh, I missed it. It went away too fast. Those little chats don't step so long. I think it said something about cooking. You can put that back up there if you. If you get this in time. But it just. Eventually you build that resentment because they don't appreciate it. They're not helping themselves. And not only that, here's the worst part. They don't appreciate it. And I don't help yourselves. Most time, they're meanest to you about it. They treat you like dog crap. You don't know what I'm talking about. Tell me in the comments if you know I'm talking about. I know that you do, because in our office, this is like a constant, never ending thing. The person that's usually trying to be the most involved and the most helpful gets the brunt of the negativity and the abuse from anxiety at the thought of asking him how he's doing. Hmm, that's interesting. So you don't want to ask him how he's doing. He must be one that tells you the truth too much then. Is it kind of like if I ask him, I might get the truth? Is that what it is? Lisa, if that gives you anxiety, then don't ask him. You can probably tell it from talking to him anyway, right? You can probably get that information. So if it makes you anxious and you don't want to do it, then that's all right. You can sort of. You can say how you're doing. In fact, people that are in active addiction or in early recovery, they really like it when you don't constantly talk to them about the problem. They really like it when you talk to them about regular stuff. So let yourself off the hook with that. Thanks for all of you that hung out with me today. I appreciate you guys. If you know someone who needs this video, share it. That helps me get the message of recovery out there and it helps lots of other families get the help they need. We talk about regular stuff. Perfect, Lisa. I love it. I'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye.