Do Addicts/Alcoholics Regret Losing You?

You pour your heart into them. Your money, your time, your energy, your prayers. And sometimes it just doesn't seem to work. And you have to make the decision to back up and save yourself. But you work. But you wonder, do they regret it? Do they get it? Do they understand why I had to back up? Like, do they see the chaos this has caused at all? Well, today we're going to answer that question, an answer for you right now actually. And the answer is not really, maybe a little bit eventually. And I know that's kind of a wishy washy answer and I hate to give you wishy washy counselor type answers. So I'm going to break it down for you and tell you a little bit more about what I'm saying and why I'm saying that. But before I do, I do want to just put a little disclaimer out there because I know people like to get all upset. It doesn't matter when I say something. But I'm not talking about any one specific person here. Obviously I can't read any one specific person's mind. But the information I'm giving you is sort of like the collective data and information and experience I've had over 20 years of helping people who have addictions. So what I can tell you about it is in general, when you like back up, maybe you leave, maybe you ask them to leave, maybe you block their phone number, but basically you detach from this person. In general, they don't feel like they regret it. They feel mad at you. Because when you have an addiction, you're sort of stuck in this self pity and resentment mode. And that's part of the, the twisted thinking process. Even if you don't have resentment towards the loved one who leaves, even at like, at the most you have like a self pity even of like, I can't even help it. And you feel sorry for yourself because of that. So in general, when the loved one leaves, they don't, they don't really regret it. Now eventually, if they get sober and their thinking clears, eventually a lot of them do regret it. And they can see people things a lot more clearly, but in the moment, at the time, and while they're still actively out there doing what they're doing, I gotta be honest with you, they usually don't. Now sometimes they'll say they do, but they don't eat. They don't regret it or mean it or feel it the same way that you mean it. What they normally think is how unfair it is and how you're being unreasonable. You Know, they. They tend to have thoughts about, you know, why can't you just accept me for me? Or what's the big deal? This makes me happy. Why can't you just let me have this one thing? You know, I hear these kind of statements all the time. Or they think that you're just overreacting and you're making a big deal about something that's not really a big deal. I'm looking over here because I have my notes on here. Or they think, I don't know what your problem is because I'm not hurting anybody but myself. It's my life. I can do what I want to. These are the kind of thoughts that they. That they have, or they have this thought of, I know I'm messing up, but I'm going to get my life together, and this is just temporary and just give me another chance. I'm working on it. But I know that you didn't make the decision to back up lightly. No one does. I'm pretty sure that you spent a long time, usually for most people, years and years, trying to help, trying to get through to this person. Now, I want you to know that even though I'm telling you what they think, what most of them think, and it's not pretty, and maybe it's not the answer that you want to hear, I do also want to throw in that I'm not saying that because I think that people who have addictions are mean or lack empathy or anything like that, but the nature of addiction changes the brain in such a way that it doesn't allow you to feel connection the same way that you would normally. It doesn't allow you to have empathy the same way you would normally. It doesn't allow you to experience joy and happiness. It's just their brain is functioning very, very differently. They don't see things the way that you see things. And it's really hard to describe because it's like on one level they get it, and on another level, they totally don't get it. And it's like they have both things happening in the brain at the same time, but there's no bridge of connection in between. And most of us have had a little piece of experience with this. If we think. If we think back to it. Like, you know, have you ever. Maybe when you were younger and you were a teenager and. And you treated your parents really crappy, or you chose to run off with some boy, even though you know you hurt someone else or something like that. We've all had that experience where we were just so hell bent on something like our mind made up and focused and determined we're going to get what we're going to get, that it's like we have blinders on and we don't see the ramifications, the consequences of it. Like literally the part of the brain that allows you to weigh the consequences is impacted by the addiction. So. So it's like they don't have that capacity. Those of you who watched, I think it wasn't last week, but it was the week before the live video on Polyvagal Theory. In that video, we talked about how if you're in a fight flight or freeze state, you. You lack the ability to feel true connection with other people. Because you kind of have to be in this like optimal state of like calmness and safety to be able to really connect with other people in your life, to be able to really feel empathy and have an exchange of feelings there. And when you're in addiction, you're constantly not in that optimal zone. You're in fight flight, or you're high, or you're in withdrawal, or you're something. And you really just have either no time in that zone or very little time in that zone. Occasionally depends on the substance. People will tell me, well, sometimes when my loved one gets high or they're drinking, they'll like, get really honest with me and we'll have these deep conversations and we'll connect. And my thinking about why that happens is because with the right amount of substance, that's when they get to that optimal zone. But it's very brief. A lot of times they miss that mark. Kind of like, if here's the sweet spot, it's like they go, they overshoot it and it doesn't last for very long because it's either too much or too little. Stay in that sweet spot very much. I've heard this a lot of times. Like, you know, when my husband's drinking, he. He's actually nicer. And some of that's because when he's not drinking, he's in withdrawal. So just understanding the brain state will help you at least get a glimpse at why they feel and think what they feel and think. Now a lot of times they'll regret, like losing the benefits, like, I don't know, like money or the place to live or the car or something like that. But mostly in order to protect themselves from feeling the shame and guilt over it, they turn it on you and they, they mostly like resent you and feel mad at you and know that's really hard to hear as like a loved one, Especially when you've poured your heart, your soul, your time, your money, everything into this person. You've tried like heck, but it just is the way it is. And another thing that I didn't mention about why they feel that way is because usually unless you've been watching, like all these videos and getting yourself out of the bad guy roll like I tell you to, usually by the time you back up and leave, it's been a lot of chaos. Fighting, screaming, yelling, threatening ultimatums, nagging, preaching, all this stuff, right? Begging. And they're just tired of you. So it's another reason they don't regret it. Because secretly, in the back of their head, their addiction wants you to go away. Like it wants your money, it wants you to continue to enable, but it wants you to shut up and leave them alone. Like, that's what the addiction says in the back of their head. So secretly, sometimes kind of glad that you're gone. And I know it hurts. Not hard to say that because I know it hurts your heart to hear it, but it's kind of true. It's one of the reasons why getting out of that bad guy roll works so effectively. Because then that little, you know, that addiction, that monster mouth, that little thing on your shoulder that's telling you a bunch of lies, can't really put you in that backyard anymore. So if you have done all the things like I teach you guys to do as the family members gotten out of the bag, I roll, you've listened, you've allowed the consequences, stuff like that, and then it doesn't work, you have to leave. That is when they will sort of see it for what it is and regret it. But if you've left and it's been nothing but fighting and anger and they can still find a reason to blame you for everything, they're probably not going to regret it now. Like I said, most of the time people sober up, their thinking gets a little bit more clear. And sometimes they'll say that to you or make an amends, and sometimes they won't. Sometimes it's hard for them to even admit it, but deep down inside they feel that and they know that. But usually not until after they're sober. I'd love to hear from you guys. The last three weeks, I think we've had a guest on and we haven't had time for questions. So today I purposefully am keeping this a little bit short. I. Because those of you who show up live, I want to hear from you. And those of you who are watching on the replay, I want to hear from you guys, too. What are your thoughts? Do you have any experience with this? Would you like to hop on here and talk about it? If you do, I'm going to put the link in the chat box. If you're watching live and you want to hop on here and talk about it, you can. But just remember, this is live. We're on, like, Facebook and YouTube and I think maybe even Twitter right now. So don't say anything you didn't want to say in public. Let's see. I'm going to put it up there just in case anybody wants to do that. And while we wait to see about that. All right, it's coming in the chat here. Then we'll say hello to some of you guys who are live and watching. Thank you for showing up today. I really appreciate it. I know sometimes I say this, but when I first started doing these lives, it was literally just me talking to no one. I gotta tell you, it's real awkward. So I'm very, very, very appreciative for those of you who show up and are here and engaging in the live video. And even those of you come back, watch the replay. Hey, Kathy. Let's see. Kathy says, I'm ready. I have a grown son that went from being a responsible adult with an excellent job and a licensed plumber to selling meth and addiction to meth. He doesn't treat me very good at all. Prayers. It's. It's crazy, I know, Kathy, because it's like they're not the same person. And that's what's so maddening about it. And then occasionally you'll, like, get little tiny glimpses of the person. It makes it even harder because it's like, I know they're in there, and I see them occasionally, but most of the time, it's like they're a totally different human being. And I was having this conversation with someone just this week. It was a spouse. And their addicted loved one had been doing really good for months and months, and things were great. And they were like. Like life was going on. And then that person relapsed. And it's like it never happened. It's like everything they had said and believed before about. I know I have an alcohol problem. I don't ever want to drink again, and all that stuff. It's, like, totally gone, like, overnight. And it. It's amazing. Even for me as a counselor, every time I see it, it blows my mind. It's like, dude, Yesterday you were in here saying this, and today you're in here saying this. And like, when you're talking to them, you know, they totally believe, like, believe what they were saying yesterday and, you know, they totally believe what they're saying today. So it's just like, it's just mind boggling to watch it happen and, and for it to happen so quickly. Have you guys seen that? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Either from personal experience or from watching it from the outside as a friend or a loved one or even a counselor. Let's see. SS says mine told me that she doesn't regret what she did to me. Our entire relationship built on lies and gaslighting, yet all I did was love her unconditionally. That's hard. That's like, you know, that's like a dagger in the heart. It's very, very painful to hear that. I'm. I'm sorry. Hopefully someday maybe the person will get some insight and see things a little different. See? Hey, Stella. Hey. Gazing upwards. Hello, Deborah. Hi, Cody. Jody says mine called yesterday after I disconnected over two months ago. Told me the same old same old, and I refused to call him back. I'm holding my boundaries. Good for you. If they're, you know, if they're reconnecting and they're just saying the same old thing, it's not going to be any different. I mean, it could be eventually, but when they're still saying the same thing, it's not. It's not going to be different. Right now, I never say that someone's never going to get better because people surprise me all the time. People get better from addiction all the time. If they didn't, I wouldn't do this work. I wouldn't pour my heart into it if I didn't think. People get bitter. But you can kind of tell, like, are we on that path or we're not on that path. That's what Jody's saying. She can say, oh, I can tell. Still not on that path. And so Jody's making a wise decision. Hey, Lauren, I see that you are on there maybe wanting to join us, but your camera and your microphone's not on. So if you can figure out how to turn those on, then we'll get you on here with Slav so you can share with us. Cody says, I drink six to eight tall boys a day and I can tell my girlfriend has had enough. I watch your channel all the time and you're spot on about everything, Cody. I think it takes a lot of Humility to even watch this video, you know, to be able to look at yourself in the state you're in and say, I know I'm doing this and it's not the right thing, and I know I'm hurting my girlfriend. I mean, I have, like, mad respect for you for even watching this YouTube channel. Because if you're watching this channel, then you have a good idea about what the family's going through. And so what that tells me is you've got some serious motivation to change, that you actually get it, and that you're insightful and that you do want to change. So my guess is you're pretty close. What's holding you back, Cody? Because if you're watching this channel, you want it to change, because the things I say on here are not easy to hear. So it means you're willing to take a look at yourself. So what's. What's keeping you stuck? Robin says the disconnection is rough. Yes, I know it is. Hey, Tammy, thank you for the sweet comment. SS Says this is a. If this is in addition to the one comment we made earlier. I never got out into the bad guy role until we broke up and I realized she lied to me. Now, after reconnecting with my ex, I might subconsciously be wanting to stick around to see that regret. Oh, that was also very insightful. That's a mistake. And I can tell by reading it that you. That you know, that even as you're. As you're writing that you're saying, you know, maybe I'm just like, keep on, like, staying close to this fire, thinking it's going to change. Yeah, that's probably a mistake because just. It's just hurtful. Like, every day that goes by that it's not different. My husband, who is now locked up, is begging me to say, but I'm so over it. I get it. Sometimes it feels like it's just too little too late. What I can tell you, if you're wondering is it sincere or not, you know, maybe sincere that they don't want you to leave, but what you're looking for isn't that what you're looking for is, do you get it? Do you have insight? Do you know what the problem is? Are you willing to take steps to fix it? Do you know what you need to do to fix it? That's what you need to be listening for. If you're. If. If you or anybody listening is considering, well, maybe they mean it, then you need to be listening for that. It needs to be more than Baby, please don't leave me, okay? Because if not, it's going to be the same old same. Oh, who said that earlier? Whoever said that, they're right. Let's see. Beside, it says, I can tell the truth about me. I feel bad for the people and family members I lost in the addiction of alcohol. Hey, beside it, can you tell us if you felt that right away? If it took you a while? It would just be helpful for us to know the family members that are watching. And, dude, your profile is, like, super scary. It's kind of freaking me out. When I put it on the screen, it's, like, big. It's got a big, scary clown face. If y' all can see that. Let's see here. Silent sister says, hey, Amber. So grateful for you. It's so complex in our family. A lifetime of walking on both sides of the coin. I'm learning how to play addiction chess. I like it. Well, from your tireless caring for this culture. Yes. It's a chess game. That's right. You get it? I love it. Five steps ahead. Let's see. I don't think I can say that profile name. Say a quest. I know I'm messing that up. I apologize. My son moved out, and I have been able to stay positive until today. He's not graduating high school, but they will let him walk. I've been so mad at him, and it came out today. I feel like I backtracked. You know what? It's just grief, and it being like graduation is a trigger. Campbell. Do you guys know Campbell? She's our parent family coach. And you got. I don't know if you guys have seen any of her videos, but she talks sometimes about when she was in the middle of it and her son. She had two sons that were going through it. And the way she tells it is just funny. That's why I'm smiling. But she's like, dude, I hated everybody. She tells the story. She's like, I was at the Y on the treadmill, and I would look out the window, and I would see, like, an old couple coming in looking happy. And I'd be like, I hate them because they're not going through this. And I would see a young couple walking in, and I would think, they don't even know. They're not even there yet. And, you know, you would get letters about your friends, kids graduating or prom, pictures or. And it just hits that button every time. And what that is, it's just grief. And. And I wouldn't say that you've backtracked I'd say you're having a hard day for a good reason. And it's a trigger. And it's just a reminder of loss. And what it is, is. It's loss of dream. That's what Campbell calls it. You know, it's. It's that reminder of the vision you had that you poured your heart and your soul into this kid. And it's. It's not working out the way you thought it would. And it's. It's scary and it's sad, and it's a trigger. See here, Ellie says my grown son is addicted. Says he can stop anytime. Does Skip a little, Treats me with respect. I have to put. I have put him out of the house many times. I have a question. If he treats you with respect, why have you put him out of the house many times? I mean, I'm guessing there's a reason. I'm just wondering what it is. Like, is he stealing? Is he causing chaos in the house? I'm guessing there's probably some reason. Lindsay says she knows what I'm talking about when I say those glimpses. Yeah, you see those little glimpses, you know it's them. Like you can feel it, and then it just doesn't last long and it makes you crazy. I know. Vicki says, I thought my loved one stepped away from meth a year ago, but I found out two days ago he's been using the whole year. I feel deceived, but I'm not beating myself up. Good for you, Vicki. I don't know if you saw last week's live video, but it was on Betrayal Trauma. If you didn't, you might want to take a look at that because it's probably a little bit of what you're experiencing right now, which is really crummy. Karen says, so glad I tuned in. My son is getting out of jail and coming home Saturday again. I guess I better not expect anything new or have an honest to goodness talk with him about what I would like. I guess what I say to you, Karen, is. Is hopefully you've been talking to him. Like, when you say jail, I don't know if he's like just been in jail, like over the weekend or. Or he's been in for a long time. If he's been in for a long time, I would assume you've had conversations with him and you can tell when you talk to somebody if they've really had the change of heart, like they really get it more than just like they're talking the good talk. You Know what I mean? So you probably. You should know before it gets there what frame of mind he's in. And just one more thought, Karen, is. I have a video. I can't remember what it's called, but it's an older video of mine and it's about don't make a home contract. Because I know you probably tend to do, like, when he gets home, sit him down, we'll talk to him about the rules. We'll tell him what's up, he better follow these rules or else they'll do that. Watch that video. It'll explain why. It'll tell you what to do instead. All right, we have Lindsay, who's gonna. I think. Let's see. Lindsay. Hello.

Hello.

Yeah, you're here.

Hi.

Thanks for joining us.

We're bringing up about the glimpses that really struck home with me. My husband's been dealing with an alcohol addiction and it's been wreaking havoc on our family. Very recently married. And when you talked about glimpses, I found that throughout him going through his addiction and admitting the addiction and then going clean and sober, cold turkey, unfortunately, without any type of help through that process. But I would find that quite often I would get glimpses of him and think, okay, this time he's got it. Everything's going to be okay. But then I would find that very quickly those things would retreat back into old patterns within hours, the next morning. And it was heartbreaking to go through that.

It is. And in my mind, I know this is probably sort of a morbid analogy, but in my mind it's. It's like. It's like they're possessed, like on the old possession movies. And it's like sometimes you can tell you're talking to them, and sometimes you can tell you you're not talking to them. You know what I mean? Like.

Right.

Just like, you know, let me talk to my loved one, you know, like. And you can see that addiction just arguing with you, you know, saying nasty things, all that stuff. And it's maddening.

It really was. I began to question my sanity and would quite often ask him, you know, where's. Where's my husband? And he's gone already. And I think most heartbreaking part of it, he's just recently entered a 30 day in treatment patient facility. And so we are seeing changes there. And that's great. I think a lot of it was underlying coping mechanisms and things of which alcohol was just a cover for that. So your channel's really helped me to be able to understand that. But I Heard you talk about glimpses before. I'm like, oh my gosh, it's exactly what I've been going through.

Yeah. It takes, it takes several years running, tries at this thing to really get it right. So probably when he's had these moments, you get these glimpses and he's, he's really like being vulnerable or sharing with you. You can see him. I don't want you to say, well, did I just fall for a crap. You can feel when someone's being legit with you. So when you say it's a glimpse and it's a glimpse because you can tell when they're just saying this stuff versus when they're being open with you. I can feel it in the office. And I don't even know them as well as like, you know them. So. So it's true. It is. It's just that it's not that they don't mean it, it's just that the, the brain chemistry so far up and down and, and there's just so much more involved. But the fact that he's going to a 30 day program.

Yeah.

Is a really good time because no one goes to a 30 day program unless they are like really trying because that's a pretty big commitment. You know, that's not. I'll go talk to this counselor one time. You know, that's like, I'm gonna put a serious try into this. So that's a really good time.

Agreed. The problem for me has been a lot of resentment. I've been forced into the caregiver role or that's where I gravitate to naturally. And I've been sort of all consumed with this. And him even entering into the treatment program was sort of a last for me. I was like, okay, the wait list on our area for a public one is going to be 15 weeks. Our marriage won't survive that long. What are you going to do here? And he chose for that and he really is working that it's for me to build trust again. I don't even know where to start.

Yeah. Well, I think that him going is a place to start. Right. It's because it, it's going to help, you know, that he is serious and that he is trying. It doesn't mean that he's going to get it perfect, but it does probably mean that he really is trying. And the fact that he's tried and failed several times before is actually good. It's more likely that this 30 day will take. If he hadn't had a lot of Trials before and he was in the 30 day. He'd probably have some bargaining left in there.

Right, right. That's what I'm hoping.

Yeah, that's what I think. Yeah.

There was no other places to go. And I see that change in him. And more and more I'm. I'm letting go of need to control, you know, him being treatment, because that just hasn't been helpful. You know, he has to come to that on his own. It just wasn't in my timing. And I've had to struggle with pros that.

And I like what you said about. Because I think it's really true for a lot of us is like, I'm in that caregiver role. And that's what happens when you're like, in the. The partner spouse role. You get in this parentified zone and you start being like their mom or their dad instead of like their partner. It's really hard not to, because it feels like you're dealing with kid, just to be honest, you know, I get it. But. But that. But that's what creates that good cop.

Right?

You know, like. Like you're the probation officer and they're like the probably or something, you know, and getting out of that.

Yes, exactly. The tune in and own my part in things. And having your resources really helped me make sense of my world because I've come to question everything. So it's been helpful to be like, okay, this is actually typical because to me, I feel insane, especially being able to try to explain this to other people. Good luck.

Yeah. It's like a whole different universe, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Amber, I really appreciate.

Thank you. Thanks for coming on and sharing that. And I feel pretty hopeful about your situation. I hope you do too.

I'm trying to have. Have that hope. It's. It's a scary place, vulnerable place for me, with my own challenges, with my mental deciding where my boundaries are and what I can continue to allow. So I'm working that for 30 days.

You got it. I love it. Thank you, Lindsay. All right, let's see. Aaron says, hey, I would be so grateful if you could make a video about when both spouses have an addiction and. And enable each other in their addictions and what to do. Aaron, I made this video. Oh. This is like. At least it's like more than a year ago. I have to find it. But it was a video where I interviewed this couple who live in Canada, and both of them had an opioid addiction and both of them got sober, which, like, literally they like, all the things I say can't happen. They totally did. So it's a good video to watch. One of them used Suboxone and one of them used methadone. And that's kind of what I was talking about in the video is like this path versus this path. But they talk a lot about the dynamics and how many times they tried, you know, and it didn't work before it did work, and what it's like to be stuck in that, because it does. If you both have addiction at the same time, dude, that's really hard because it's like, you know, you're just sit. Each one of you sitting there waiting for the other one to say, you know, it's like you make these promises, okay, we're not doing it again. You know, you, you, you make this, like, team agreement, but then both of you are sitting there waiting for the other one to say, how do you want to? And you just want, like the other one to say it first, which is like, I know it's like really hard. So I used to say, probably can't happen. But you know what? It can happen. But you're both going to have to put some serious work into it. And you need some resources outside of each other. You know, you can't just be relying on each other to be the. The strong anchor because you're both struggling. So bring in some other supports that you each have individually so that if one of you goes down, the other one still has some people and vice versa. Let's see here. Silent Sister says no one's quitting addictions until the desire for sobriety outweighs the desire for substance. People, things, can find some self respect, worth, and love. Nothing else matters more than the escape. Yeah, I definitely think what you're talking about is those scales have to tip. You know, the cons have to outweigh the pros. That's one of the things, you know, you have to get where it's like, this ain't working for me anymore. You know, it's costing me too much. That's one thing. And then the other thing, some second piece to it is you have to, like, you have to really understand that you can't control it. Because even once you realize that the cons outweigh the pros, you still keep going through this process of thinking, if I could just do it this way. Or what if I only do that? Or only on the weekends, you go through all that bargaining where you're still trying to control it. So it's the two Pieces. One, it's not worth it anymore. It's messing my life up. Two is, and I'm gonna have to let it go completely because otherwise I'm gonna stay on this chaos string. But you're right. Let's see. Liliana says. Let's see what Liliana says. Do they change that way of thinking when they are sober? My husband is one month sober, but still thinks and acts that way. Is there any hope with time? Yes, there is hope with time. And one month sober is really just like barely, you know, just like barely beginning for the brain chemicals to normalize. The more you stay out of the bad guy role and the policing role, the faster they'll figure it out. And also if the person is, you know, like attending a 12 step or attending some counseling or something like that, so that they're gaining some wisdom and insight, not just that they're like abstinent, but that they're working on it, that will also increase the chances. Oh, let me say one more thing, Liliana. If the person that you're talking about, you know, this person has humility, like they can admit when they were wrong, like at least you saw it before the addiction, then they probably will. If this person, even with or without the addiction, doesn't really have humility and they don't have on their own, it probably isn't going to happen sober or not. So it's like, do they have the capacity that weighs into the formula? Matt says, currently trying my best to get out of addiction, go back to drugs because of withdrawals, then I'm the bad guy. Subs don't fully work or scared to be stuck in withdrawals because switching between them both. So what you're saying, Matt, is like you're. You must have an opiate addiction and you're talking about Suboxone. So it's like you're going back and forth between the two. I mean, the Suboxone should work. I mean, I've seen people who were using ridiculous amount, like crazy ridiculous amounts. And the Suboxone can stabilize it. So I would look at the dose and then I would look at taking it consistently. Because what you may be doing, and it sounds like it's possible, Matt. And first, let me say this, I should have said this first. I'm not a doctor, can't tell you what to take or not to take. Like literally. I have no medicine prescribing anything. So it's just personal opinion. Okay, but you're probably, and it sounds like you are worried that you're gonna be dependent on the Suboxone. So maybe you're not taking it like you're supposed to or something like that. And you're right, you will get dependent on the Suboxone. But it will. It will. And I'm not saying it's for everyone. I'm not telling you you should do it. It's just that you already are doing it. So if you're going to do it, do it the right way. I guess that's what I'm saying. Because it can stabilize you and can get you out of that, like every four or five hour withdrawal cycle, which will allow you to get some things working in your life so that you can stabilize enough to eventually be able to come off of it. And then the last thing, I have a video on the channel about Supplicate. I don't know if you know what that is, Matt, but it's like the injectable form of soxone. It lasts like a month and it seems like it's the newest thing out there, so. But it seems like people are able to come off of that easier than just the regular. So check out that video if you want to. It's about Suboxone. I mean, Supplicate is what it's called. Let's see here. Yvonne says, this resonates so much with me, I just had to kick out my loved one. And now they are just standing by while the kids and I lose our house and they blame me for it. Yeah, I mean, it's just hard as a loved one because you feel like you've done everything and you still get like all the blame. Like it's still all your fault and it's just, it's just symptomatic of addiction. Those of you who are in recovery or trying to get in recovery, several of you I can see in the chat are who watch this channel. I can't tell you how much, like, respect I have for you because it's like you're willing to look at like the hard stuff. If you can watch this channel, you can do recovery. Because listening to this video right here is painful and it's hard to hear. It's. It's hard to admit some of these things. So if you're watching it, I'm telling you right now, you have what it takes. Because what it takes is humility and honesty and you're tolerating it. So you're almost there. It. It takes a lot even, even for people in recovery who are already out of. It still takes a lot to be like Yep, that was me. You know, it takes a lot of humility and willingness. Fresha says, hey, Amber. My husband says he needs help. He says he wants to change, but he even says he will go to rehab and told me to set it up when he is high. But the next morning, he doesn't want to go with it. He doesn't want to talk about it. But you can tell he's trying to stay clean until he relapses and one to two weeks later, you know what? It's probably those glimpses. It's probably when you catch them in the right level of being high, which sounds crazy. It's like their brain, because it's on fire when it's in withdrawal, when it's soothed enough, it's not so high that it's not thinking, you know, but it's not in withdrawal. It's like you can get, like, almost like a. It almost feels like a moment of clarity there. But, you know, then it. What's happening to your husband is like, probably if you say he has that when he's high, but then he's like, you can tell he's trying to stay sober on his own for. For a while. What is happening is he's not saying, never mind, I'm going to use. He's saying, I could do this on my own. I can do this. I don't need to go to rehab. That's probably what's happening in your case. And people have to try to do it on their own. In fact, I suggest people try to do it on their own first before trying to go to rehab, because no one wants to do that. But if you can't, and there's a lot of reasons why maybe you can't, doesn't mean you don't mean it or you're not strong, then you make the choice to go to rehab. So it sounds like maybe he's in that process and he's getting there. Jody says, is rock bottom different for everyone? Is it possible for someone to never see when they've actually hit rock bottom? At this point, I'm not sure what it's going to take. Have you done a video on that? I sure have. I have a lot of videos on rock bottom, and I'll give you the quick version, but you can see the long version on some of the other videos. But I don't believe in rock bottom. Rock bottom is. Is the idea that if the consequences are bad enough, the person will stop using. Well, the definition of addiction is continued use despite consequences. Think about it we see people lose their freedom, lose their kids, lose their home, shelter, jobs, money, dignity, everything. And they continue to use. So if you're waiting for, like, if it gets bad enough, this person will stop. That's not exactly the case. There's a teeny grain of truth in that. And that grain of truth is usually after something kind of bad happens, the person might have one of these, like, moments of clarity, I call it, where the window opens and they say, I need to change. So sometimes the pain of that can cause us to be, you know, to rethink and to be open to change. But we have to take action in that window moment for it to stick, even if we mean it. But actually, in my experience, the worse the consequences get, the less likely, because sometimes it's just so bad and you've just lost everything, and you dug a hole so deep, you just feel hopeless. You just feel like you can never get out. And a lot of people that get that far in, they. They just, like, reside themselves to, like, this is just me. I'm just an addict. Like, I'm just gonna dive this thing. And they just, like, give into it. So I'm not a big weight to bottom kind of person. That's why this channel is called Put Showdown. And as in, you hit your bottom when you put your shovel down. Yeah. You don't have to go way down. You can stop right now and be done and move forward. All you have to do is know that you will hit a bottom. Most people hit a bunch of bottoms before they stop, actually. So I hope that's helpful for you. Let's. Robin says, so grateful for your videos and working on getting out of the bag. I roll the latest video on the polyvagal theory and betrayal trauma work change works on a change of my heart. That's good. Yeah. Those videos, I love the Polyvagal because it kind of explains what's going on with them. And I love the trauma, the betrayal trauma, because it kind of explains what's going on with you. And if you put those two things together, you start to make sense of it, right, Robin? If you want to see those videos and you haven't, those of you who are watching the last two live videos, if you go to the channel and you hit videos, they're like, in order from the newest to the oldest. So you just scroll down a couple and you'll see them. But they were really good. We had guest speakers on both of those. Lauren says, I got a call from the hospital today. I haven't heard from My dad in a month. He had a hit and run and then had his car impounded. A couple of weeks later, he showed up at a Food lion all bloody. Wow, that's super scary. Like. Like, what does that mean? Like, he had a hit and run and then he was like. Like someone hit him or he hit someone else. I mean, I don't know, but that's super scary. I'm sorry to hear about that. Glad he's got help, though. I'm glad he's at the hospital. Acadia says I can say the best change I saw was my husband's second round of 30 day inpatient. There have been some minor relapses, but the bounce back from those are so different than his previous tries. I love it. I'm so glad you said that. Because people out here, there whose loved one has a lot of, like, on and off, they need to hear that it takes them on and off. People like, no one gets it in one try. If they do get it one try, it probably wasn't really addiction. It takes some trial and error. So good for you guys both, Both of you. I'm impressed. Latha says. My husband says he's been sober for 10 days, but still blames and is isolated. When will he come back from isolation after he's recovered? If he's just 10 days sober, he's just barely feeling like a human being. Like, for those first seven days or so, you're like, not good. You're sick. You could be really, really, really sick depending on what the substance was and how addicted you were. But even if it's not like that, you're emotionally a disaster. You can't sleep, your emotions are all over the place. So you need a good 10 days to even, like, sort of be a human and start to think right again. So give them a little leeway, give them some encouragement, you know, give them some extra, like, forgiveness for being grumpy or something. Because what I say to people if they tell me their loved ones detoxing, but they've. They've been pleasant and in a good mood and they're fine. I said they're not detoxing. They're lying to you. So if he's grumpy and he's isolated, probably is detoxing. So look at it like a good sign. Yvonne says, how long for the delusions to stop after quitting? And do they have to be completely sober? So there's a couple questions there. I don't really know exactly what you mean when you say delusion, because Sometimes I'll say, like, people in end stage addiction are delusional. As in they don't see the reality. You see, like they see it totally different. But that's different when I say that it's really different than like delusional disorder. Like the diagnosis, like paranoid or like hallucinations, like really, really, really, like see and believe things that, that are out there. So I don't know which one you mean by that. If you mean the diagnosis kind, it can take, it can take weeks to months. But probably if they're still using, like, if they're using a substance that causes delusions, like a stimulant or even marijuana, it can take a while for that to clear. Do they have to be completely sober? That's a complicated answer. But if I got to give you a simple answer, I'm going to say yes, they need to be completely sober. Maria says, my spouse is an illegal immigrant. I got him into a program. He was there three weeks and left. Is that the type that does not believe in any type of programs that are out there for him? I tried to help him. That happens a lot of times. They get into programs. Usually if they make it three weeks, they'll make it longer because usually they want to run pretty quick in that first week. Um, so it could mean a lot of different things. It could mean, nevermind, forget this crap. Like the sobriety thing isn't for me, I want to go get messed up. It could mean, okay, okay, I'm sober, I got it. Like, I got this. I don't need no help. It could mean a lot of different things. So I probably have to know like more details to tell you, you know, a good opinion about what it means. And even if someone thinks like, no program can help me, like, I wouldn't pay that much attention to that because at some point everyone thinks that, like, I got this, I don't need a program. Those programs aren't. I mean, that's just big talk. So I don't pay that much attention to that. I've heard a lot of people tell me, especially young people, I never go to treatment. Every single one of them went. So big talk. Let's see here. Aaron says, thank you for your advice. I have really learned a lot from your channel. I have binge watched almost every video you've made to help my husband find ways to get sober together. Thank you. I appreciate that. Good feedback. Is it helping? Like, are you seeing any changes? Is the relationship getting better? Relationship getting better is the first sign of change. So what that means is you've gotten out of the bag. I roll. So I hope you're at least to that part. Melanie says, I'm 35 and was married 10 years to my first high school boyfriend. We divorced after he got his second DUI with all four kids with him. Oh, ouch. He sobered up and miraculously, I took him back. He just, oh, I hope there's more to that. We don't want to be left hanging. I'm scrolling. Oh, here it is. Just relapse. Is that something that happens to most alcoholics for the rest of their life? It is not something that happens. It is something that happens to most alcoholics. It is not something that happens for the rest of their life. It takes a lot of trial and error. What happens is you get sober, and this happens literally every single time. Everybody's got to do this a few times. But, Melanie, you get sober and you're glad you're sober and you're feeling good and you're different and you're changed. And then enough time goes by and you convince yourself, like, it's all right if I have a couple drinks. Like, I would never go back drinking like I drink before, you know, it's like vacation. I'll have a couple drinks. You talk yourself into what I call the. It'll be different this time. And guess what? It won't be different this time. And most people have to learn that lesson, like, several times until they finally figure that out. Once they figure that out, the relapses usually stop. So hopefully your person's already done that a few times and you get near the end of that. If it's the first time they've done that, you might have one or two more in there. So be warned. Robin says living with addiction is like living in the Twilight Zone. Suggestions for some people struggling with resentment, take the time to learn about radical acceptance. Yes, that's a great suggestion. Radical acceptance is like a therapy concept. There's lots of good articles, books, and resources about that. So I agree. Robin, take a Look at that. Dr. Ransome. Oh, this is a good. It hurts less to be honest when I'm high. That's interesting. I never thought about that, but it makes sense because it's like, you can be honest, but you don't feel the same because you're high. So it's almost like it allows you to say it. I didn't think about that, but I can see it. It's a good point. And you also said, Dr. Hansel, I'm afraid to Throw my drugs away, because that's just another part of the cycle. It sounds like a monster mouth to me. Dr. I'm not sure if you see my video on monster mouths, but it's. It's basically just like a metaphor or a way that I visualize, like, all these different thoughts that you have when you have an addiction. And so to me, that's just like a monster mouth. Like a little monster on your shoulder saying, well, don't throw them drugs away, because, you know you've done done that 100 times before and it doesn't work anyway, so you might as well keep them because, like, it doesn't mean anything anyway and you're just wasting these drugs. To me, that's a monster mouth. If you've done 100 times before and it didn't work, then probably you need to do some more things. But for throwing the stuff away is probably a really good first step because I can promise you it doesn't work when you still have the drugs. So it might not work if you throw them away, but it definitely won't work if you don't throw them away. So that's what I would tell that little monster mouth. Sometimes you gotta just argue with them and get. Get rational with them. Monster mouths. Facebook user. Hey, Amber. My boyfriend is in early recovery, going on a month. I was hoping for some advice on how to be supportive in long distance. I wouldn't want to see him relapse. There are days when he will take an hour to reply, and it just worries me and I don't want to be hovering. Yeah, I've been sick. My throat is all scratchy. I'm glad that you have insight. You're aware that, like, your anxiety is up, so you're probably, like, really hyper vigilant. And you're obviously aware of that because you're, like, looking at how long it's been since he responded to your message or something. But I get that because it's a trigger, because one of the big signs that someone's using is, like, they go MIA and they don't answer you for hours and days sometimes. And so when you. That time passes and you don't get that message, it's a trigger for you. So I'm impressed that you. That you realize that some of the things you can do to be supportive. And I know you can't really control it on the inside, but on the outside, don't be freaked out. Like if they tell you they had a bad day or they really wanted to use or they had A craving or they saw it. Your job is to just stay calm and cool and let them talk about it and don't let it freak you out because if they're telling it to you, it means they don't want to do it. They may be saying I want to use, but they're trying not to use if they're telling to you because if they were going to and they wanted to, they wouldn't be telling you that. So just be calm and, and just, you know, be positively reinforcing and don't talk about that all the time. Talk about a lot of other stuff. So, you know, let them be the gas pedal on how much you talk about it because too much talk about it is, is triggering for them. So. Let's see. Space Man, XC says, My dad is 70 and still won't stop. He's lost everything, doesn't care. Yeah, that's kind of what I was talking about spaceman, when I said sometimes if the consequences are too big. And I think the age thing also plays in because sometimes when I see older people, they're like, dude, I'm 70, you know, I only got a little bit of life left. And they have all these like rationalizations and justifications about why because they're older, like it doesn't matter anyway. Which isn't true by the way. But it is definitely another one of those monster mouths that can get in there. Dr. Renssel said marijuana edibles are probably melting my brain. Yes, they very much probably are. I don't know if you've seen my videos on marijuana, but I think that's one of the harder addictions to treat. I'm not saying it's the hardest addiction to stop it. It's hard to treat. I can tell you for sure. Es says if you're actually seeing something, if you're detoxing from alcohol or benzos, they need medical help. What Es is saying there is it can be dangerous to just cold turkey from alcohol and benzos. You can have hallucinations, you can have seizure, it can be life threatening dangerous. So if somebody's having like a delusion and, and they're detoxing from alcohol or benzo, they need medical help. And you're right and that's good advice. I'm glad you said that. DTS can be dangerous. Absolutely. Lindsay says recently had a baby. She's five months old now. My mother in law is struggling with alcoholism. My husband and I have asked that she not hold our baby when she is drinking on mother's day. She Continues to drink to the point of slowing her words and trying to hold our baby. We are frustrated and just not want to be around her when she's drinking. My father in law continues to keep alcohol in the house and is angry at us for not coming around. They blame me and say, they blame me and say they need to see our looks like maybe baby, where's the rest of that? I think there's more of it. I just can't see it. I think what you're saying is they need to see our baby. What I would say to you, Lindsay, is this. If you know that your mother in law is an alcoholic and what you're saying to her is, we don't want you to hold our baby when you've been drinking, you're being irrational. Not that you should let her hold her, but if you're dealing with an alcoholic, she's either drinking or she's in withdrawal. And in either state she's not great. So it's kind of like if you're saying that it's probably like you're not really digesting like the depth of the alcoholism. And I'm not saying you should let her do that. I'm just saying, like, it's probably not gonna happen. Kind of like on this channel. I say sometimes when people say their loved ones, like, I don't care what you do, but don't have drugs in this house. And I'm like, dude, if someone's addicted to drugs, they're in your house. Like someone's addicted to. They don't. It's not possible that they don't have them in the house. So be reasonable. And you may want to say, hey, you know, you may want to change your boundary too. We don't, you know, we're not comfortable leaving the mom in law alone with the baby. And like, unless one of us are here or something like that. Because I'm not saying you shouldn't let her see. I'm. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying to think that she's just not going to drink to hold the baby. It's just probably not going to work that way, Lindsay, because she's not going to be honest with herself. She's going to say, well, I only had two, or maybe she only meant to have two, but then she had more. Or maybe she had two really fast and then they hit her. Like, it's just such an imbalance in there that there's probably not a really great time for that. All right, Av A very happy life says I just jumped in. My mom went to rehab after years of chaos, and I. I had pulled away, basically cut contact. It was only after I stopped trying to help her and others did that that she did, too, that she got out. Yeah, it's kind of like when you back off, they can see it faster, because what happens is they get so entrenched in power, struggling with you and arguing with you and defending their choices that, look, literally, it. It slows down the change process. It keeps them in denial. So, yeah, sometimes we just sort of hands off it. They figure it out quicker. Not sometimes, like, most of the time, I guess I'd say. All right, everybody, thank you so much. For those of you who joined us, I'm going to link up the Polyvagal video here and the betrayal trauma, because we talked about that. Those are very good ones to watch in addition to this video, because, like I said, Polyvagal will help you understand them and you. And betrayal trauma will definitely help you understand yourself if you're the family member. All right, everybody, we'll see you next Thursday at 1.