Amber Hollingsworth, an addiction counselor with 20 years' experience, breaks down five guilt tactics addicted loved ones use to manipulate you: blaming you for their drinking, implying you're letting them suffer, claiming you cause their pain, accusing you of not caring, and playing the victim. She explains why removing their discomfort can kill their motivation to change.
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The number one way you're being manipulated by your addicted loved one is actually guilt. Yes, it's that guilt button that's causing you to do and say all of the things that you don't want to be saying and doing. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. I'm an addiction counselor, and I've been helping people and families beat their addictions for almost 20 years. Now, if you're sick of being manipulated and you're ready to be done with it, you're going to have to manage your own guilt. Because if your guilt isn't there, then they can't press that button anymore. So here are five really common ways that your guilt button is probably being pushed on the regular. Number one is the most direct pathway to guilt, and that's when you're being told or hearing messages that are implying that it is all your fault. Here are some examples about how that might look in a real life situation. I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't nagging me all the time. I wouldn't have to hide my using if you weren't so uptight and crazy about it. I developed this problem because of that thing that you did to me in the past, and now this is my only way of coping. Hey, you know, I was like this when you got with me. You knew what you were in for, and now you've changed your mind. Those are all really direct ways that a person might be pressing your guilt button. Now, another way that your guilt button might be getting smashed is any version of, you're letting me suffer. Now, this usually happens when you're trying not to fix some of the consequences that the addiction has caused, like, like not paying bills or not paying for a lawyer or not letting them stay in your house or not taking care of any of their obligations, for that matter, because you feel terrible when you see them be uncomfortable. But what you're forgetting is it's the uncomfortableness that's most likely to get someone to want to change. So when you take away the uncomfortableness, you take away the motivation for change. Now, the third way is actually a spin off of your letting me suffer. And I'm going to call this one, you're making me suffer. And you're most likely to see this one, like when you're trying to force some sort of boundary, like, you can't be around the kids when you're drinking, or you're gonna have to complete this treatment program. Or maybe like when someone's in treatment and they're calling you and they're saying, it's horrible here. I can't believe you're making me be here. Those are just different ways that somebody's saying, you're making me suffer. Now, a fourth way somebody could be smashing your guilt button is any version of you don't even care about me. This one kind of piggybacks onto you're letting me suffer or you're making me suffer. So if the suffering isn't hitting the button just right, then they're gonna throw on top of that just another layer of, I guess you don't even care about me, or you just want me to fail, or you don't want good things from me or you want bad things for me. You can see that this can come out in a few different ways, but the basis of it is you don't care about me. Now, fifth thing that could be triggering your guilty feeling. This one is sort of through the side door. And I'm gonna call this one I'm Pitiful and I Can't help It. This one is usually about making you feel guilty for trying to hold some kind of healthy boundary. So the person says, I can't help it because this terrible thing that happened to me in my past, or this is all because, you know, you and dad got a divorce and now look what you did to me and this is my only way of coping. Or I have this terrible anxiety issue and this is the only thing that makes me feel better. It's an I can't help it because. And it's some sort of play to make you feel bad for the other person, which in turn will make you feel guilty for setting a limit or a boundary or refusing to fix something or help in some kind of way. Now, obviously, guilt isn't the only way you're being manipulated. There are several other ways that you're being manipulated as well. So I want you to watch this playlist. I'm going to link it right up here. It's all about the different types of manipulation. And I'm going to put a link in the description for my free downloadable quick Cheat sheet guide of Here are the types of manipulation. Here's what's happening, and here's how to respond to it. I want you to know you are not powerless. You do not have to hit rock bottom. And there are things you can do to help an addicted loved one. If you want to be back in control of your life, subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction.
