Does Your Addicted Loved One Feel Bad About The Pain They're Causing?

Before I tell you the circumstances in which they do feel bad, I need you to understand why they usually don't feel so bad about it. In the earlier stages of addiction, as in like when you would normally call someone like a functional addict or a functional alcoholic, they usually don't feel bad about it because they feel like they deserve it. So the thinking is something like, hey, I work hard, I provide for this family, or I'm making good grades, or I'm doing this or I'm doing that, or if they're a really young person, then they may be thinking, hey, everyone does it, I'm a teenager, I'm a college kid, or whatever, I deserve it. What's the big deal? So they don't really feel bad about behaviors that they're engaging in because they feel like it's normal and that's what they should be doing. I deserve it because I'm a nice, decent and fair person. In later stages of addiction, it's not so much that they feel like they deserve it, but the truth of it is they're in survival mode, meaning they kind of have to. And so the thinking in their mind is, I have to, we're in survival mode here. I have to tell the lie, I have to take the money, I have to be dishonest about where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the later stages of addiction, it's like you are constantly trying to outrun this monster. Sometimes I describe it like being on a treadmill. For example, if you're addicted to pain pills, you are probably on a four hour treadmill every four hours. You have to figure out how to get more or you're going to be really sick. So you're constantly trying to outrun the withdrawal, the anxiety, the difficulty sleeping, all of those things. You're trying to stay ahead of it 24 7, which is putting you in survival mode. One way to think about it might be to imagine that you're trying to outrun a tsunami. And every time you turn your head, it's bigger and it's closer and you're trying to get away from it, you're trying to outrun it, you're trying to survive. And to those who have endured the tsunami, well, as you can imagine, as you're trying to outrun this giant wave, you're probably going to crash into some people. Now when you do that momentarily, you feel a little bit bad about it. But let's be real, you don't have time to really think about that. You are trying to survive you are running. That's the zone that you're in when you're in these later stages of addiction. So probably I really shouldn't say they don't feel bad about it at all, but they don't feel bad about it a lot. Now, whatever little seeds of feeling bad about it that they're dealing with, they have also these like master ninja rationalization justification abilities to make that feeling bad get even less than it was to start with. Not going to find any ninja blades or throwing stars under your bed. One of the ways they do that is because they tell themselves they're going to make it right. Let's say they steal something from you, or they miss an important event, or they don't fulfill one of their obligations. They're likely telling themselves that they're going to make it up, they're going to make it right, and they're going to fix it. And so that temporarily satisfies that uncomfortable feel bad thing about it. Because they're like, I'm going to fix it. But then immediately they get back to outrunning that tidal wave coming at them. They can't really come back to it because they. They can never stop running. It's just an exhaustive process. And no matter how hard you work at it, you just can't stop the bleeding. Now, another, probably slightly surprising way that they make that little tiny bit of feeling bad about it go away is they actually tell themselves that you maybe deserved it. Wait just a minute now. I know what you're thinking. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Amber, hold up. Really? The thinking that. Because that's just adding insult to injury. I get it. You're right. It is. The thing of it is that the person in the addicted state most likely feels very hurt by you. Now, some of that hurt that they're experiencing can be real. And some of that hurt that they're experiencing can be like a projection or a way that they're feeling sorry for themselves. But usually, if you're dealing with an addicted loved one, you're mad at them, you're angry at them, you're nagging them, you're begging them, you're making them feel guilty. You're doing all this stuff which they perceive as hurtful because it is hurtful. And so they feel hurt by you. So that makes their feel bad a little less. Kind of like when you're mad at somebody and you feel spiteful, and it's like, okay, I hurt them, but who cares? Because they did this to me first. It's kind of like that sort of thinking. Now, lastly, another reason why they don't feel that bad about it is because they're under the anesthesia of their addictive substance or behavior. They're constantly medicating it, so they're turning off that part of their brain that would make them feel bad about it. Now, naturally, when you're in this kind of situation with a family member, you probably have the instinct to make them want to recognize how bad they're hurting you by telling them that, reminding of them that, trying to make them feel bad about it. But it's literally one of the least effective things you can do. Is it fair? Yes, probably fair, but it's not effective, Mama. That's not fair. And as you guys know, on this channel, we don't talk about what's fair. We talk about what works. If they are crossing your boundaries in ways they shouldn't, then you need to do a couple of things. One, you need to watch my videos on boundaries to learn how to better protect yourself so that you can quit getting hurt. And secondly, if you're trying to get them to see how much they're hurting you because you're trying to use that as a way of making them stop the addictive behavior, probably not all that effective. It just doesn't work like that, honey. If what you're trying to do is get them to get out of denial, see what's really happening, and make a change, then there are so much better strategies on that. I will link those videos up at the end of this video. Now, I know I promised I was going to tell you about the time when they actually do feel bad about it. They usually start to really feel bad about it once they get sober. Now, not immediately, they have to get kind of like past the really crazy, uncomfortable survival part of getting sober. But once they do that, they actually have less and less shame that they're dealing with. They start to emotionally and psychologically heal. They start to look back and see the situation much, much more objectively. And as their ego gets stronger and as they heal, get out of that survival mode, they can see the situation much more clearly. And most people are eventually able to be pretty honest with themselves about the damage and destruction that they caused. Now, if you really want to expedite that process, you're going to watch these videos next, which are not only going to help you to help your loved one see the situation more honestly, but it's going to actually motivate them to make changes much faster.