Drug and Alcohol Abuse in College -(An Incredible Story!)

In this video, you're going to hear from a young man named Chaz, whose addiction started to develop and got out of control while he was in college. Because it can be so difficult to tell the difference between college partying and being a fraternity boy and having an actual substance use disorder, I'm going to identify the official criteria for you as Chaz unfolds his story. You know, what is the difference between regular having fun and something more than that? So, Chaz, tell us about the family that you come from.

Oh, gosh. So I come from like a really good family. I mean, my dad's a doctor. Like, my mom was always around, like as a kid. She taught kindergarten until she had kids and then she was a stay at home mom. Really, like, always had everything that like, I needed and like, most of what I wanted. You could definitely say that I was kind of spoiled growing up, especially being the youngest of three kids. I've got a brother who is five years older than me and a sister that's three years older. My brother is, has always been like, very successful at like, whatever he does. So he like did really well in like, his sat, like always did great in school. Was on like student government stuff. Went to Clemson, was student body president at Clemson. Yeah, he. He like crushed everything. He's also like a giant. So he's like six, six or six, seven. So he was always good at like basketball and just whatever he did, he was pretty good at that.

Sounds tough to compete with.

Yeah. And then my sister, she's just like a freak athlete until recently when she tore acl. But in high school, she won a state championship in like every sport she ever played. And so like, I think starting from like seventh grade to like, she graduated, she won at least like a state championship every year. So like, my siblings definitely like set the bar really high to live up to. I don't know, I just like, like to have fun. I was always like, pretty, like, always like joking around and stuff.

Okay. Were you more like sort of like a mascot and like to make people laugh or were you more like mischievous?

Definitely more like a mascot. Yeah. Anytime, like, tensions would start to run high. Like I, I would like come in and try to ease that by making jokes or just doing something stupid.

So you were exactly the same then as now?

Yeah, we just took a five year detour.

Okay.

But yeah, I've gone back to that now. My dad was always really involved with any of us playing sports. He would sit up in the stands for our high school basketball games and videotape them and then make a copy of the film and give it to the coach. So that way, if we wanted to watch game film as a team, we could and stuff like that and just has, like, a whole collection and, like, at the end of the season, would make, like, a highlight reel of us or whatever.

Somebody told me once about you, Jazz, that knew you from somebody that we both know that knew you from when you were younger. They said they were super surprised that you were here because you were the kid in school. Like, he was the bad kid doing drugs, and you were the kid in school that was, like, so against it. Like, he said you were adamantly, like, not cool with it.

Yeah, I mean, we did the podcast this past weekend and had my buddy from LSU who made, like, a short film on opiate addiction. And, like, Tyler asked him, like, so, like, what was Chad's like, back in high school? And he was telling us, like, they all, like, drank and stuff. And, like, it wasn't until senior year that I started drinking. And even then, like, I'd have, like, half of a four loco or something and then be, like, the designated driver because, like, one of my other friends would drink, like, two or three of them and just be absolutely plastered. And, like, I would, like, make sure and, like, I'd be, like, the responsible and make sure people got home and everything. And then they were like. And then after, like, he came back from college after that first year, we were just like, what happened? Completely against drinking, smoking, like, everything. A lot of my friends from, like, middle school and stuff started drinking, like, early on in high school. And when they started doing that, like, I got myself, like, a new group of friends. Like, I.

You said, I'm not gonna be friends with you.

And, like, I guess one of the things that. It's like, my best friend from, like, high school, like, he started drinking a lot. And, like, for a while, like, I mean, I would get on him because, like, he would come over to my house like, some nights to, like, play ping pong and stuff like that and just mess around like we would always do. And, like, he'd come in, like, drunk. I mean, dude, like, are you kidding me? Like, you talked to my parents? Like, you drove here. Like, what are you doing? Like, you're so stupid. And, like, would get mad at him and everything. And, like, he was, like, really, like, the first person that, like, I actually, like, continued to, like, hang out with once they, like, started drinking and stuff like that. And that was just because we had been, like, inseparable since we were like, in first grade. But, yeah, up until, like, my senior year, like, I was completely against all that stuff. And then, like, started drinking my senior year. And then freshman year of at Clemson, like, joined the fraternity. So I started drinking, like, even more and then got into, like, smoking weed. And then it just kind of went downhill from there. Looking back on, like, all of my usage, like, I can definitely, like, see that, like, every time, like, I, like, started, like, a new substance or, like, increased how much I was using, like, it was, like, closely, like, related to, like, a death or, like, some sort of, like, event that happened.

Okay.

Things like that continued to happen throughout, like, the next few years. Like, that was my go to is just to, like, escape and, like, drink or, like, try a new drug or whatever.

Just to, like, distract yourself.

Yeah. Just, like. Yeah. I went from, like, not doing anything to, like. And this is the same with, like, everything I did. Basically. It's like I went from, like, not doing, like, anything to then trying to be, like, the central person. Things didn't really get bad until, like, I went off to college and, like, joining the fraternity. Definitely, it was, like, not the best thing because, like, then, like, I felt like I had an excuse to drink all the time. And, like, I'd be hanging out with, like, the fraternity all day and, like, drinking and stuff there, and then, like, come home at night and, like, I'd kind of be, like, expected to, like, keep going.

You had, like, two sets of drinking friends.

Yeah. 2.8 GPA or something like that. That definitely was not okay with my dad. He was not happy about that. But, like, I was just like, oh. Like, it was, like, my pledge semester. Like, I was busy doing all this stuff. Like, I didn't have time to do all this.

I'm a freshman. I'm still getting used to it.

Yeah. Which they didn't really buy that. Cause they were like, look, you got a good education in high school. Like, you're more prepared for college than, like, almost anybody else.

They got you there.

Yeah.

Okay.

And so, yeah, the drinking definitely got out of hand then. And it was November of my freshman year when, like, some of the guys from my pledge class who, like, smoked weed, they were like, okay. Since, like, half of us have smoked weed, half of us haven't. We're all gonna come over to this house one night and everyone is gonna smoke together. And, like, that way you can get high for your first time. Or, like, you can just sit here and, like, get high like you normally do and just, like, geek out watching, like, the new Kids get high. And so, like, I went out that night and, like, smoked and, like, thoroughly enjoyed it. And then, like, a few days later, like, went out and did it again. And then escalating to where then by, like, spring break of my freshman year was. I went to Destin, and it was like. That was the week where, like, we took a bunch of weed down there with us. And, like, yeah, we were drinking the whole time, but, like, that group of, like, four of us, we were the ones that. We're, like, smoking a lot, too. And so, like, we weren't drinking as much as everybody else. And, like, it was March Madness, so we were like, oh, we're just gonna sit here and, like, get super high and watch basketball all day. Like, y' all have fun doing what you want to do. And, like, I started smoking, like, every day. And, like, after that, like, it was probably, like, another three years before I went, like, a day or two without smoking.

So now you're drinking every day and smoking every day?

Yeah. And when I started smoking every day, actually, like, buying it and, like, selling it and, like, reaching out to people and being like, hey, like, I've got weed if you want it.

Like, so you were, like, marketing.

Yeah.

Okay.

And so Christmas of that year is when I got started doing Cutco. And so that also, I was kind of just caught up in the whole sales thing at the time. So I was like, oh, you know what? Like, I can practice my sales skills with drugs.

Did you have that thought? Like, you really had that thought or that's, like, some.

No, I actually had that.

You actually had that?

Yeah, I actually had that. My big brother in the fraternity, like, had done coke, and, like, other people, like, in the fraternity, like, older guys had been, like, doing coke, and a couple of guys in my pledge class had tried it, and, like, they all said, like, good things about it.

It's like a movie review.

Yeah.

And, like, you're saying it. Yeah, you gotta see this movie.

So good. And, like, in the past, like, I had always been like, okay, I'm drinking. I'm smoking weed. That's it. But then it was like, they all say, this is awesome. I used to think that drug or, like, weed and drinking was bad. And, like, I love both of those. So, like, maybe I should try this cocaine stuff.

You keep redrawing the line a little further out and a little further.

Okay. And so, like, when we went to formal that year, like, I tried to get somebody to let me, like, do some. And, like, one person was like, no, like, we're not gonna like, let you do that. Like, you'll like, get hooked on it. Like, it's. It's too much fun. And I was like, dude, that just makes me want to do it more. And so then I sought somebody else out. They were like, I just ran out. So, like, I couldn't do any. And like, I was kind of upset about it. And like, the last party of the year that we had, I was like, outside smoking. A couple of the older guys were outside, like, doing key bumps of cocaine, and I didn't even realize what they were doing. And one of the guys was like, oh, you know what? Like, I don't want my last bump. And they like, looked around and he was like, hey, Chaz, you want to come try it? And I was like, I don't think.

I've ever heard that before. Someone saying, I don't want Molly.

Does that mean, like, not for me? Like, looking back on it, I'm like, what is wrong with that, dude? Probably not good stuff. Like, I didn't feel anything, but in my head I was like, I did coke and nothing bad happened. So like, there was one guy in the fraternity that was like the main, like, coke guy that would like buy the coke and everything. And so, like, I started like getting from him pretty consistently. And like, then he got a girlfriend that didn't approve of him doing that. So he basically was like, hey, if I give you my plug, will you like, sell it to me when I want it for like, the price that you get it for? And I was like, yeah, sure. That just means that, like, I can start selling coke now.

And you're a salesman, so.

Yeah. And like, I was able to like sell weed and like, not really have to like, pay for what I smoked. And so I was like, okay, I can do that with coke. Like, I was cutting it and like, selling it to make more of a profit. And that just like over the course of like a two month period from, like getting that new connection, like, it just went downhill, like really quick to the point where I was doing a whole lot of coke. Like, I was doing coke every single day, was selling. Sophomore year, college, my mom found my weed for the first time. She found like a half ounce of weed in my book bag, cried for like three hours and was like, what did I ever do to make you turn to drugs? And it was actually really funny cause she found a T shirt that one of my pledge brothers had given me for a function that we had. And it was like a black T shirt that had a Rainbow picture of a wrapper called the Illest on it. And I was just waiting to be able to see that guy and give it back to him. So I literally had it sitting downstairs in our rec room. And one morning after my mom found the weed, she came in there and she was. She woke me up and she was like, chaz, like, I just had a realization. Like, I was running on the treadmill downstairs, and, like, I looked over and I saw that shirt, and it just hit me. You're a drug dealer. That's your drug dealing shirt. And I was like, no, all my clothes are my drug dealing clothes.

You said that you thought that that.

Was what I was thinking. Ended up using that. They caught me smoking weed as a way to get Vyvanse and Adderall because I was like, I'm smoking weed because I think I have add and it helps me concentrate and, like, slows down my thoughts and all this on. I ended up working my way up to 70 milligrams of Vyvanse, and then three times a day, I would take 10 milligrams of the dextroset. So it was like the.

Plus the cocaine.

Yeah, plus the cocaine and the weed and the drinking and like, occasionally, like, Xanax and. Yeah. So at that time, like, there is not, like, a single hour out of the day that I was not on. And it's like, I mean, the entire time, like, I was still just, like, under the impression of, like, oh, like, doing this a couple times, like, isn't gonna hurt. Like, I'm just having fun. Like, yeah, I know I'm doing things that, like, maybe now, like, a lot of college students don't do, but, like, I'm just having a good time doing it.

It's like, there's always a way to rationalize it away.

Yeah. So it was like, really my junior year that things started to get bad because that's when I started doing, like, a lot more coke than I had in the past. So at that point, like, I started dating this girl who I actually met through my coke dealer, and, like, just really not the healthiest relationship. We also did a lot of drugs together. She was a fan of, like, opiates. Like, we would get, like, pills and, like, do that more often. And ended up, like, I eventually, like, my junior year, found, like, a connection for, like, Roxy, 30s. And, like, that was when things, like, started to kind of go downhill.

Were you making enough money from just the selling drugs to support your habit, or was all of your money going towards drugs, like, your Cutco money.

Oh. All of it was going towards drugs. Because I got to the point where I was doing more of my drugs than what I was technically, like, had allotted for myself to do. Like, I was snorting into my profit every single time I saw. Like, oh, I, like, I'm gonna do like a line or two. And then next thing I know it was like 7am and like, I was like, still up doing coke. And I'd be like, I can't continue to do this. Like, I'm not gonna do this anymore. Like, I'll finish off what I have and then, like, be done.

And then so it's like the. On Monday, I'm going on a diet.

Yeah.

Like tomorrow.

And then, like, I'd finish off what I had and then it'd be like, well, no, like there's a party this weekend. Or like, oh, like, I just, like, I need energy for this. Like, I'd go and get more. Or like somebody hits me up and wants some. So, like, I have to buy some and it makes more sense for me to buy some and, like, be able to sell it off and like, make more profit than just buying exactly what they want. Not gonna stop at this point.

Like, this is the worst plan ever.

Yeah.

Okay.

And ended up like, taking like half an eight ball. It's like 1.75 grams. Like splitting it up into two lines and just going one and then the other right then. And just ended up like puking everywhere and then like dropping to the floor and like, passed out.

How much does that much cocaine cost?

That was like 120 to 140 bucks for, like a half eight ball. It was probably, like, ending up being around, like, street value. Like, I was doing like over 200 bucks worth a day. But, like, it wasn't that much to me since I was like, buying in bulk and selling too. Like, definitely. Like, I mean, there were days where I would do like a quarter in a day. And like, those are some fun days, but not fun next days. After my junior year, I ended up opening my Cutco office for the summer. And, like, decided that while I was doing that, like, I was gonna, like, stop doing drugs or hard drugs, I was still gonna smoke.

How did you decide that?

Because I knew that, like, if I wanted to be, like, super successful with it, like, I was not going to be able to continue, like, the same habits like I did.

I gotta grow up now.

Yeah.

This is getting real. Like, I need to.

Yeah. And so I definitely, like, I started off the summer and like, did like, really good. Right off the bat to where, like, I think it was like, 100, like, 20 college students, like, in the country, like, opened up their own offices that summer. And, like, after, like, the first month, like, I was number four out of, like, 120.

So you were killing it.

Yeah. So, like, I was doing, like, extremely well and, like, hadn't really done a lot to, like, prepare for it going into it occasionally, like, when I got off work and, like, would go back to, like, super stressed and, like, overwhelmed. Had been going, like, non stop for a month. And so, like, I was like, you know, like, I'm gonna reward myself and I'm gonna get some painkillers. And, like, that way, like, it'll help me, like, wind down at night or whatever. Like, allow me to, like, completely relax.

Because I deserve it.

Yeah. I'd been busting my butt. I was like, number four in the country. I was like, I've arrived. Like, now I can, like, take my foot off the gas and, like, just coast it out through the rest of the summer. And so I ended up, like, I was really planning on only doing, like, the painkillers like, once or twice. And then, like, it just kind of became like, okay, I'm gonna do those. And then, like, I'd still be groggy like, the next day, so it's like, okay, like, I need coke to pick me back up. So I started doing coke again. And so, like, by, like, halfway through that summer, like, I was back to where I was doing cocaine almost every day, smoking all day, every day, drinking most nights. And then this is the point where, like, I started having, like, an issue, like, with the painkillers. Like, it's still doing, like, very well for my office, but, like, nowhere near, like, the pace, like, I was on from the beginning, which is, like, definitely, like, directly because of, like, the changes that I made and, like, stops, like, working my ass off and went to, like, just, like, doing drugs and thinking I could just, like, coast through it.

Did you realize that then or do you just realize that now?

Like, oh, I realized that after that summer. Like, I realized that, like, after the summer was over, like, towards the end of the summer, I was like, wow, I really, like, messed this up. Like, I was absolutely just, like, cruising through it, crushing it. And then, like, things just kind of, like, started falling apart. And what would have been my senior year started. I had already withdrawn and, like, failed enough classes where, like, I was gonna have to take a fifth year anyway at this point. But, like, so, like, my fourth year at Clemson Is when, like, I just, like, was doing Roxy's, like, all day, every day on top of, like, doing the coke. And stopped doing coke for a little bit. It was just doing, like, the Roxies and smoking and everything. And then realized, like, eventually, like, I was, like, super depressed and, like, couldn't sleep well when I didn't have them. And just, like, everything seemed, like, falling apart. Like, I wasn't going to class at all. And, like, was. My grades were dropping to the point.

Where, like, I was definitely setting it as.

Yeah, 100%.

Did your parents know? Like, I know they found out that you were smoking because they found it in the T shirt. But, like, what. Did they know any of this?

So they did. Not from, like, my knowledge. I don't think they did. I knew, like, my brother had found out through some. Because he was in the same fraternity that I was. Like, he found out through some people, like, I'd been selling coke and, like, we had an altercation or two about that. My sister knew that, like, I was smoking weed. I think she found out through my brother that, like, I was doing coke and. But I don't think that they really knew much at that point. And then everything just kind of, like, hit it once in, like, the end of October, beginning of November of my fourth year at Clemson, and I ended up dropping out for insomnia and depression, which was really. Because I had been on, like, the Roxies and at that point had gotten on, like, benzos pretty bad, too. Decided that I was gonna come off of the Roxies and just, like, introduce the coke back in, which then increased, like, the benzos because I was doing so much coke at the time. Like, the next, like, in order to go to sleep that night or, like, to not feel like shit the next day, I'd have to take some Xanax. And then.

I can tell, the way you even talk about it right now that it was, like, exhausting.

Yeah.

Because you have, like, an exhausted look on your face. Whereas in the beginning of the story, when you first went to college, you had, like, the fun little.

Yeah, it was fun for a while.

It worked for, like, three years.

I'd say it worked for, like, two and a half. Definitely in my junior year is where things started getting a little rocky. But it was the last year that, like, I was at Clemson that it absolutely. Just, like, it wasn't very quickly. Just could tell, like, nothing. Like, all of my money I'd made from that summer before running my office, which I had made a good bit, was Gone. By the time that October came around, I maxed out my credit card that I had with my parents, because everything that I was making at the time, I was putting on drugs and everything that else I had to pay for. I was just putting on the credit card and, like, not making the payments to, like, have it come off. That actually was not. I'd gotten a credit card that summer from my office that was not with my parents. And so in the past, I'd had a credit card with my parents that they would pay off. So, like, it was like, I don't have to worry about that. But, like, this time, like, I racked up, maxed out my credit card senior.

Year, it is not working anymore. You maxed out credit cards? You just.

I'm on my way to flunking out of school, okay? And so, like, it gets to the point where, like, I decide, like, I can't do Roxies anymore. They've, like, that they were the reason, like, I was. Yeah, I was fine, like, with the cocaine and everything. Like, was still making it through when I was just doing that. But, like, it was, like, the Roxies that had taken me downhill. So I ended up stopping the Roxies, getting back on the coke, which, like, I had still done, like, intermittently here and there, but, like, went back at it hard. Was taking a bunch of Xanax. Like, super depressed. Like, couldn't sleep at this point. Like, was also, like, had gotten into, like, at the time, like, I was already, like, pretty depressed. Spent a lot of time just, like, going back and forth between Columbia and Clemson to, like, meet up my drug dealer. And just, like, you just couldn't keep it up anymore. Yeah, things went downhill really quickly. Like, I went home one day to tell my parents, like, I was dropping out of Clemson. And, like, my dad was, like, getting on me and, like. Like, all this kind of stuff. And, like, this is before, like, my girlfriend had called them. And so, like, they. At this point, like, they suspected that something was up, like, 100% because, like, I was not myself. Like, I was avoiding them all the time. I'm depressed. Like, I can't sleep. Like, I had to drop out. And, like, my dad just, like, started, like, totaling up. Like, all the money that he had spent on my education was like. Like, I've spent, like, this much. Like, this, this, this, and this. And, like, now you're dropping out, and, like, I just, like, lost it and ended up, like, punching a hole in the wall and, like, walking out and then, like, came home for, like, Thanksgiving, and they all, like, pulled me upstairs and, like, my parents room one night with my brother and my sister, and they were like, we want to, like, drug test you. Like, at this point, my brother had finally told them that, like, he knew that I'd been, like, selling coke. And they told them that when he'd come up to my apartment earlier that year for a Clemson game, that, like, he had seen all my bongs and, like, dab rigs and everything was just, like, appalled at, like, what all that he saw in my apartment. They wanted to, like, drug testing. I was like, fine, like, you can drug test me. And then, like, they were like, we're gonna do a hair test. My brother, like, got a pair of scissors and was, like, trying to, like, cut my hair. And I was like, wow, fuck you guys. And just, like, ran out and got, like, super messed up that night. Like, that weekend was the Clemson Carolina game. Like, I don't even remember being in Clemson for the game. But, like, my friends afterwards were like, yeah, you were there. Like, you were really messed up. Like, all this stuff. And I was like, I don't even remember, like, being in Clemson for the game. And so, like, things are just, like, really, really bad. Every little, like, aspect of my life at this point was, like, falling apart.

It seemed like now nothing's working.

Yeah.

And your friends think you're a disaster.

Oh, yeah.

At this point, like, family's angry with you, dropped out of school. You can't even go on a work trip because you're not even functional enough.

Yeah. And like, at this point, like, I mean, the guy that I lived with was, like, really at the point, like, my only friend other than, like, people, like, I sold drugs to or, like, did drugs with. And, like, everybody else, like, people from, like, the fraternity, like, they had all, like, distanced themselves from me, and, like, I distanced myself from them. Like, everybody knew, like, I was out of control. And then finally on, like, I think it was December 6th, I was going down to Colombia and had a little bit to drink. Was on some Xanax. It was like, kind of like falling asleep behind the wheel. Ended up deciding that, like, gonna do some coke as I was driving. To, like, keep me awake. Yeah. To, like, be safe. Like, it just made sense. Like, that would wake me up enough to be able to drive and, like, get there and everything. And ended up, like, I was, like, two miles away from my exit in Colombia and a car in front of me. Like, I don't even, like, truly, like, remember it all, but I got into A wreck. They hit their brakes. I didn't stop in time, ran into them. I saw a car coming, like, behind me pretty quickly. So, like, I swerved out of the way after I hit them. And that car hit the same car that I hit. And it's like we all pulled over. The guy that was like, behind me, I don't know exactly what he was. I think. I think he was like a sled agent or something, but he was some sort of like, government agent who had been, like, kind of following me. And since he was, like, involved in the wreck, we had to wait for, like, a state trooper to come and.

Following you because you were driving funny or following you because they had been, like, following you.

I think it's because I was driving funny. Yeah. So since he was in the wreck, he couldn't really do anything. And, like, I mean, I was like, pretty messed up at the point. I don't know how I didn't get, like, a ticket for, like, DUI or anything like that. But, like, by the time the state trooper got there, like, I talked to him, had, like, talked to other people, tried to sell him knives. Like, that's the mindset that I was in. I was like, oh, you know what? Like, I might as well, like, try to make some money while I'm here and, like, if I, like, make him think that, like, some like, really driven kid or something, that he's not gonna suspect that, like, I'm on drugs. And so, like, I was like a ticket for, like, following too closely or, like, going a little bit fast. And my parents had told me, like, the next morning I had to be home by like, 9:30 or something so the insurance agent could come by and, like, and talk to me about the wreck. And, like, I had never had to deal with that before. So I was like, okay, that doesn't seem fishy at all because, like, I was completely broke, didn't have money to pay somebody for a ride back. And they were willing to do, like, whatever it took to like, get me home at that point. Because since, like, Thanksgiving, I had not been back home and, like, hadn't really talked to them. And so, like, I get there and there's like, couple cars that I don't recognize. And, like, I walk in and like, my brother and sister there at the time, they Both lived in D.C. so I was like, what are they doing home? My uncle was there and this random dude, and I walked into an intervention.

So they tried to have a little intervention on you before, but they're trying to wing It.

Yeah.

They decided, oh, we need to step this up.

Yeah, we're hiring somebody. Yeah. So he was, like, some dude. I think he was from, like, Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania or something.

And, like, interventionist.

Yeah. And so he read me all these letters. Like, they sat around in a circle around me. And, like, then they were like, so, like, are you willing to go to, like, treatment? And I was like, like, where would I go? And they were like, florida. And I was like, oh, I can go to Florida in the middle of December. Like, that doesn't sound so bad. And I was like, all right, cool. Like, when do I go? And, like, couple days. Like, I can go get my stuff from Clemson, like, hang out in Clemson for a couple days, and then come back and go. And they're like, you have a flight in two hours. And so I ended up, like, being able to, like, shower, like, pack up some, like, the few things I had at my house, and then, like, got put in the car with this guy, had to ride on two airplanes with him where he didn't leave my side the entire time, make sure, like, I didn't run off. And, like, I remember, like, in the airport, like, he ended up saying something to me, like, you've been, like, one of the, like, most compliant, like, people, like, I've ever done this with. And I was like, that's because I'm still so barred out right now because I had taken, like, so many Xanax. Like, I mean, we got to go, like, to the beach a few times. And I was in a halfway house for two months after that where, like, I would go fishing every day or, like, go to the beach every day and just, like, having a lot of fun. But we also. My halfway house is a block from downtown, and, like, we lived, like, right off of Atlantic Avenue in Delray beach, which is, like, a pretty big bar scene. And so, like, me and the guys, like, we would always go out and stuff and, like, hang out downtown and just, like, drink Red Bulls or something instead of, like, actually drinking. And one night, like, I ended up, like, drinking and got caught. When I came home, I got breathalyzed and got told that I had to leave the house. My parents were willing to, like, help me out, like, financially anymore because, like, I had already screwed everything up so much.

This is when you left, when you got kicked out of the halfway house, because they weren't. They wanted you to go to a certain other place and you didn't want to go, right?

Yes.

So they wouldn't give you any money.

Yeah. So they wanted Me to go to a place that was, like, a town over that was still affiliated with that same halfway house. And I was like, well, that means I can't have, like, my job anymore, which, like, I just got. And, like, was in the point. Like, I needed money. So I, like, reached out to a couple people. This one guy who I'd been in rehab with two months earlier was like, oh, yeah. Like, I'm the manager of this new halfway house, so, like, you can come here. Okay, hold on.

Wait a minute. Tom, say that again. The guy that you run rehab with two months ago?

Yeah.

Says, I'm the manager of this new halfway house.

Yeah. And I was like, wow, that sounds awesome. Like, I really liked this kid. So, like, I was like, yeah, let's do it.

Just wanna make sure I had that.

And he was like, yeah, the guy that, like, owns it, he'll give you, like, a couple weeks to pay, like, your first, like, thing of rent. And then, like, I got there and, like, he opened the door and, like, I could just tell it, like, he was messed up. And I was like, bro, what are you on right now? And he's like, I'm on Xanax. And I was like, I thought you said this is, like, a halfway house. And he's like, yeah, as long as we pay the guy on time, he doesn't care what we do as long as, like, we get him his money. And so it was him and three other guys. The three other guys were all on heroin. And, like, at first, like, I was a little, like, sketched out about it, but then I was like, oh, that means that I can drink and, like, smoke weed. So, like, I'm good. And at this point, like, I was like, I'm done with cocaine for good. Yeah, they weren't helping me out at the time. So, like, I spent plenty of time at the Walmart right down the street, like, trying to get money or food from people.

Like, standing, like, standing outside with a sign. Like, what do you mean?

I was just, like, standing outside of the front door and, like, would just, like, ask people. I didn't have a sign or anything. Okay, that's not classy.

Okay.

I was at least trying to be somewhat classy about it one night that one of the guys I actually worked with, the Outback, came over to hang out with one of the other guys, and, like, they were all doing heroin, and, like, two of the guys were, like, shooting up. The dude that sniffing it ended up overdosing and, like, falling out right there. It's like, me and this other guy had to, like, give him CPR and, like, wait for, like, the paramedics to come. Like, they came and, like, took him out, and, like, I was just, like, so freaked out. Like, I had never seen that before. Like, literally thought this guy was, like, about to die when he was on, like, the stretcher and everything. Like, his legs were going like he was on a bicycle. And, like, his face, like, he wasn't there. And, like, that was, like, after, like, they had Narcanned him, and he was just, like, so out of it. Like, we were like, we don't know if he's gonna be okay. And he showed up back at the house an hour later because he had left his car there, and we had taken the heroin off of his person, so that way, like, he wouldn't get in trouble for it. Well, that was what I thought. The other dude just wanted to steal his heroin. And so, like, he ended up catching an Uber from the hospital. Like, as soon as he got to the hospital, he called an Uber, came back to the house to get his car and try to get his drugs. Like, the dude ended up telling him, like, oh, no, the cops took it all.

So this guy that you think might be dead.

Yeah, it shows back up.

Shows back up in the house.

Yeah, within an hour. And so, like, attractive girls, like, y' all can come, like, stay in the house with us, like, and they were both, like, heroin addicts in recovery. So when they got into that environment, they started using again because, like, the other guys were using, and that lasted, like, three days before. Like, they were, like, passing out against, like, walls standing up and stuff like that, where we ended up, like, kicking them out. And that night, like, they decided, like, they were gonna go to rehab. Like, the next morning, like, one of them went and stayed with a friend, and one of them went to the drug dealer's house to, like, go get, like, one last fix. And so, like, the girl that I've been talking to for a while ended up going to the drug dealer's house overdosing. And, like, the next morning, like, her body got, like, dumped off at our house, and, like, the paramedics came, and she was, like, in a coma for a few weeks. But, like, I mean, at the time, like, we basically thought, like, she was dead. She ended up, like, having to, like, learn how to, like, talk, walk, all that kind of stuff again. One of the guys, like, probably, like, you've had a pretty rough week. Like, you're obviously, like, not doing too well. If you want something to make you feel better. Here's some heroin. And so I was like, yeah, like, why not? Like, it'll either, like, just, like, completely numb me out or it'll, like, kill me. And, like, at that point, like, I was like, in such, like, a low spot, just, like, from everything, like, at the point, like, I didn't really care. And so ended up, like, I sniffed some that night and it was just like a Roxy on steroids. And it's like, I liked it a lot. Like, did a little bit more after that. And like, the next morning when I woke up, like, my parents were at the house. And so, like, the night before, like, when all that happened, apparently the interventionist dude had called my parents and was. Was, like, checking in on me because it was, like, three months from, like, the time, like, I had left. And he basically said, like, asked, like, where I was, and they're like, oh, he got kicked out of that house. He's in, like, this new house we don't know anything about. Doesn't seem like he's doing well. And he just, like, told him, like, if you want to see your son alive, like, you need to go get him. And so I literally, within 12 hours of me doing heroin for the first time, my parents showed up down in Florida. Just, like, back and forth for a few days. Finally, like, ended up going home. I was being stupid and was like, they'll have no idea. Like, they don't check, like, their bank account like, that closely or anything like that. And, like, one day, like, my dad calls me in and he's, like, showing me, like, print out pictures of these fake checks that I wrote. And I was like, God, that was stupid. And, like, they thought at the time, like, I was still doing coke. And so, like, they knew that something was up. Ended up one day, like, my mom went through my book bag and, like, found that I had, like, a little band aid box in there with, like, a needle. Because after, like, about, like, a month, I switched, like, shooting up because, like, I was spending too much money just, like, sniffing it. So she found, like, a needle, like, cotton swabs and, like, little, like, empty baggies and stuff. And, like, she asked me one night at dinner, she was like, so I found your band aid box. Like, I found a needle. Like, what have you been doing? I was like, I'm just. I've been doing heroin. And, like, for somebody who, like, cried for three hours straight when they found that I had weed, she didn't even blink when I said that I had heroin. And so I just Want to say.

They were here at that point.

Yeah.

So your gig was up?

Yeah.

Like, once the parents get here, I was screwed.

Yeah.

I was like. She knew. She knew. Everybody knew the whole time. She just found evidence.

Y' all didn't know what I was doing.

We knew you were messed up.

Yeah. You knew I messed up big time. Nobody knew that I was doing heroin.

Okay. But it was pretty clear that you were not good at all.

I thought I was doing great.

The hours and hours of baths.

Yeah.

Like, it was. Everyone knew. I think they probably did know you were doing heroin because Campbell's so familiar with that substance. She was probably saying, oh, he's doing.

Really Probably. See, I've never actually, like, sat down and talked to my parents. And, like, when did y' all realize, like, that that's what I was doing? Because, like, when they found the checks, which was only, like, a week before that was fine.

You were, like, dug in.

Yeah. And then there was the day that, like, so it was like, the day after that that, like, I ended up, like, coming in, like, telling everybody, like, I, like, cured my cocaine problem by doing heroin and, like, fully believed that, like, that was a good thing because, like, I was like, yeah, I was.

Recreationally, occasionally, because I'm bored. And I remember arguing with you, saying, no one does heroin because they're bored. And then we would, like, argue about it.

Yeah, because at the time, like, I mean, I was, like, still, like, other than working, like, I was stuck in my house all the time. And, like, for, like, the years prior to that, like, I never, like, just, like, sat by myself and, like, did nothing. Like, I was always, like, at least messed up or, like, doing something with people. So, like, I was just completely out of my element. And, like, yes, I was convinced, like, I was just doing heroin because I was bored and, like, because of the situation that my parents put me in and, like, blamed them for, like, me getting started on it because, like, they had sent me down to Florida and, like, allowed me to be in that situation. And, like, really?

Really? You didn't just say you're blaming them to settle them off. You definitely blamed them.

Oh, 100%.

You meant it.

Oh, yeah. It was all their fault. Like, I was on heroin. That, like, they had put me down in Florida, made me stay longer, wouldn't help me out when I moved into that halfway house. Like, and, like, if it wasn't for all that and, like, I would have been fine. I was convinced I only ever had a problem with cocaine at that point. And, yes. And like, my boss ended up, like, finding out, like, I was doing heroin because, like, his brother was a heroin addict. So he could tell because he had been dealing with that for, like, a few years. Like, my parents found out. And so, like, then, like, David and Lucas got involved with, like, Greenville transitions and, like, trying to, like, come over and do, like, little mini interventions for me, which, like, I absolutely hated. And then, like, my boss came over one day and, like, told me straight up. He was like, look, I know what you've been doing. Like, while, like, I. Yes, I've seen some of the signs, but, like, I was kind of tipped off earlier because, like, you don't go down and, like, live in a situation, like, where you were living in Florida and, like, get along with those people without doing what they're doing. And so he was, like, when you first came back and, like, told me that, like, I was worried that, like, you've been doing this, and then, like, I've just slowly seen, like, those behaviors come out. And so he was like, you're not allowed back in the office until you, like, get help. And ended up, like, that was right around the same time that my parents were like, we're evicting you from the house unless you go get help. And so, like, I was kind of, like, at a point where, like, I had no choice to, like, do anything other than, like, get help. And so, like, I ended up, like, convincing my boss, like, let me go into work one night for, like, our team meeting, where, like, they were watching, like, the movie the Wolf of Wall street. And, like, after, like, the movie was over, like, I got up and, like, basically, like, said my goodbye and was like, I don't know, like, how many of you guys know this or whatnot? But, like, I've struggled with, like, drugs in the past. Like, I, like, was gone for a few months. Like, I went to rehab. And, like, while you see, like, all this fun that they're having in the movie, like, I never paid attention to, like, the ending where, like, it gets bad and, like, everything falls apart, and, like, I've relapsed and, like, everything's, like, falling apart again. It's like, I'm gonna go away and, like, get help again.

Were you really that insightful or was that, like, a. A halftime speech? It was, like, something good to say.

In front of your boss or something, so.

Because that's, like, all of a sudden, some anxiety.

Yeah, that was something that, like, I, like, planned to go in there and, like, basically say goodbye just because, like, I wanted to make sure that, like, I had a place to come back to. And, like, because of, like, the role that I played in the office, like, knew that, like, it would get out anyways. Like, I would rather it come for me and, like, be able to, like, shine, like, a positive light on it. But, like, I didn't, like, know what I was gonna say until, like, I actually, like, was sitting there. And then, like, we, like, watched that movie, and I was, like, kind of like, clicked. Like, whenever, like, I'd seen that movie and stuff in the past, like, I only focused on, like, the fun part where, like, he was, like, doing all the drugs. Like, everything was going fine, but, like, never, like, still can, like, barely tell you, like, the ending of the Wolf of Wall street where, like, he, like, gets arrested and, like, all this stuff, like, everything just implodes.

So you really did kind of come to that.

And so then I went to four circles where I was told that I was, like, going to summer camp for 21 to 28 days. Had it in my head being an addict. Like, okay, 21 days. It is.

Like, you still haven't learned.

Yeah.

How this treatment system works. Yeah, you still don't know this yet.

And so, like, I was like, 21 days, I'm out of here. Like, I can do this. And, like, I got there and, like, went through withdrawals. Like, was, like, out of my element. Being out in the woods, hiking and camping and, like, doing all this crap, like, I absolutely hated. And, like, from, like, the very first week, like, I called my boss because, like, he, like, agreed to, like, still, like, keep me on, like, pay while, like, I was there and everything. I was like, bro, can you release my money to me? I gotta get out of here. And he was like, no, finish out. And then I was trying to talk my parents into letting me go somewhere else, and they wouldn't let me do that. And so I ended up sticking it out. And 21 days came around, and they were like, yeah, you're not leaving? No. And so the next time we got back to base, it was my 23rd day. I was just like, fuck it. Like, I'm out of here. So ended up, like, having the people there drop me off at McDonald's because, like, I'd been eating shit food for so long. I just wanted me a hamburger. And then one of the guys in my group also left that day. So, like, we met up at McDonald's, and then I had one of my buddies from Clemson come drive up to Asheville, pick us up, take us back down to Clemson, where we hung out in Clemson for four days. And like, I was still in contact with David about possibly like going to Greenville Transitions. But like, I was trying to figure out something else on my own. Like a way that like, I could like live and work and like get by even like without a car, like support anything. And like, my boss, like released a little bit of money to me and whatnot. It's like I had some money and like, knew that part of me knew that like, I was gonna probably end up in like the sober living house and so. And like, if I did drugs, like, I wouldn't be able to. So, like, I didn't do drugs while I was there, but like, I drank heavier than like I ever have over like a four day period, unless it was like a mountain weekend or like big like fraternity event.

Okay, so you drank like it was spring break.

Yeah.

Okay.

And just like, yeah, for four days straight was drinking. Finally, like that fourth day, David called me. He was like, look, like, if you don't come today, you're supposed to come straight out of rehab to be here, but we want to help you out. It's like, if you don't come today, we're not going to be able to let you come. But if you come today and pass a drug test, we'll let you stay. And so I ended up deciding to go. I still don't remember if David picked me up from Clemson or if my mom did, but I know that David ended up driving me to the house so he couldn't pick me up from Clemson. I really. That's how messed up I was. But like, I do remember, like on the way there I was like, fuck this. Like, I'm just gonna stay here until like, I can get more money released to me. And then like, I'm out of here. Like, I'm gonna hate this place, body, blah, blah. And like just told him like, what a waste of my time it was gonna be. And I was just doing that to like, get me through like a week or two and ended up like getting to the house and like, attitude towards it kind of shifted because, like, I kind of like admitted defeat for a little bit.

You did good for a while.

Yeah. And so was there for about like five and a half months. So like throughout like all of this research, chemical benzo type thing that like, I'd done in the past, and like, something just like clicked in my head, like, go online and like, order some. And like the next morning, like, I realized like, I should not have done that. And like, Sent the dude like a series of emails, like trying to cancel it. And he's like, oh, like the order's already in. Like I've like sent it out or whatever. I was like, oh, it's not gonna hurt. Like it doesn't show up on drug tests. Like, I'll be good. And for like the first like couple days, like, I would do like a tiny bit here, a tiny bit there. Like, and then it just got to the point where like I was putting in my vapes. Like I could like smoke it all day. Like it lasted probably like a week and a half or so. And like within a few days, like everybody in the house knew that something was up. Like, it just became like too obvious. Like you picked up on it. Yeah. So like they ended up confronting me about it in the house one day. Like, because I was on that stuff. Like, I also forgot that I was supposed to get my Vivitrol shot that same day. So like, I missed my Vivitrol shot. Ended up like having to talk to the guys. And like, I denied it and denied it. And finally like, I was just like, yeah, you know what? I've been doing this stuff called a tizzalam. And they gave me a couple options and like tried to like work with me for me to like either like stay in the house, like come back to the house and just like start the program over again and like go to rehab and come back and like, I was just feel like they weren't gonna let me work at Cutco again and.

Cuz everybody's out loud is the problem.

Yeah. And so like I was like 10 days or so that I like stayed over there, between there and like another hotel and like was ubering to go to Cutco appointments so that way I would have money. Like, I had started like. So I started drinking again. I finished off like the rest of that liquid benzo stuff that I had and then had tried heroin a couple times again, but the Vivitrol was still in my systems. Like, I. Like the first time I tried the heroin, like I. I bitched out my dealer and I was like, what did you give me? Like, I'm not getting high. Like, what is wrong with you? Started doing it again, was like sniffing it just because like I didn't want to go straight back into shooting it and like started shooting it again and was just doing it like a couple times a week. And like super quickly, like it turned into like just an everyday thing, like way faster than it did the first time. And then, yeah, there Was, like, one day that, like. Like, I started getting, like, super depressed again. Like, I was trying to get a job, like, didn't have my car, like, was running out of money again. Like, just. It seemed like everything was, like, repeating itself. And it's like I was, like, back in that same spot that I'd been before where I was just, like, super down. Like, felt like nothing was gonna go my way. And so, like, I just, like, was reaching out my parents, like, trying to get my parents to in some way help me out. Whether it was, like, giving me the car back, helping me out with money, like, any sort of, like, lifeline, like, in my head, like, I was just like, if they throw me some sort of lifeline, and, like, I'll be fine. Like, I'll, like, stop doing all this stuff and get back on track. But, like, in reality, like, if they throw me a lifeline that would just, like, allow me to keep doing it. So they ended up, like, not helping me out. It's like, one day, like, I was, like, studying for, like, a big test I had the next morning, and, like, kept, like, texting my mom, like, trying to get, like, some sort of response out of her. And, like, just. She would not respond to me anymore, whether it was, like, about the car, money, like, me trying to get a job, like, anything. And so I ended up, like, sending her, like, a text message saying, like, I don't even know. While I'm studying for this test, like, all it would take for me to go pick up, like. And I've been telling them at this point, like, I hadn't been using heroin, but, like, they knew I was. I was like, all it would take is for me to go, like, pick up one time and, like, do a little too much. And, like, I wouldn't have to, like, worry about any of this anymore. And, like, didn't get a response. And, like, that was, like, truly, like, a cry for help. Like, it wasn't.

Well, I call that, like, an ace card of emotional blackmail.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, let me play the trump card. Like, if you don't help me, I'm gonna use. Yeah, yeah.

And, like. And, like, to the extent, even more, like, I'm not just gonna use. Like, I could use and, like, die, right? And, like, I had already, like, been planning that night to, like, go pick up because, like, I was running out of my other stuff and so, like, to meet my dealer at a Waffle House and, like, met him, got some stuff, like, went inside, like, I always do, ordered my same meal That I always do. Went into the bathroom while I was waiting for, like, the meal to get ready, and, like, worked up a shot and, like, purposely, like, did not do, like, what I thought was, like, a lot because, like, I was planning on going home and being in, like, at least a good enough mindset to, like, be able to finish studying a little bit. Cause I still had, like, two chapters left, so I needed to go over for my exam the next day. Like, shot up, cleaned up, came back out, like, my food was, like, ready for me. Sat down, like, took three bites. And then next thing I know, like, I'm waking up on the floor and just, like, coming to was just, like, the, like, weirdest experience ever. Because, like, I thought, like, I was, like. At first it was like I was, like, flying, floating. And then, like, I thought I was in my bed. And then, like, I heard somebody, like, saying my name. And then, like, I realized, like, I was puking and, like, couldn't stop puking or, like, open my eyes or anything. And, like, in, like, my head, like, I was just, like, oh, I'm in bed, like, throwing up, like, and somebody's, like, trying to help me. Like, I'm, like, was just so confused. And then, like, finally, like, was able to, like, stop throwing up and, like, look up and, like, saw that, like, I was on the floor of a Waffle House and there are paramedics around me. And they just started, like, bombarding me with questions. And, like, remember, like, the way that, like, I said it and, like, felt at the time, like, I could just, like, picture myself, like, the way, like, I, like, have, like, a video of, like, one of my friends, like, super messed up in the past where, like, we had him, like, saying some stuff when he was, like, super messed up. And, like, they were like, what was in your pocket? I was like, heroin. And, like, they kept, like, questioning me. And, like, I was, like, trying to get them to, like, give me my heroin back. So I was like. I paid money for that. And, like, they, like, loaded me up into, like, the ambulance. And, like, just, like, while I was in the ambulance, like, I texted my mom and told her, like, I had overdosed and was on the way to the hospital. Like, no response. And, like, I called her when I got to the hospital, and, like, she had picked up and, like, didn't believe me. And then, like, finally, like, did, and, like, they ended up coming. And, like, the first thing that she said when she walked in the room was, like, fuck you. And I was just like, I've really messed up because, like, my mom does not curse.

She's, like, the nicest person.

Yeah. I put her through hell. Thought that it was, like, a suicide attempt, like, based on that text message. And, like, I was just like, no, it wasn't. Like, if I wanted to do that, then, like, I would have done it, like, at home in my apartment, where me and my roommate don't talk. He's rarely ever there. Like, no one would have found me. I wouldn't have done it in a Waffle House.

But regardless, they know the system that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because anybody else probably would have got released. Like, you're, like, in Florida on that guy. They knew. They knew how to get him to hold you.

Yeah. And, like, when I was in the ambulance, they were trying to take me to another hospital. I was like, no, take me to, like, ghs. Really wanted to go to rehab, but they, like, would not send him there. And, like, he didn't. Where they deemed me chemically dependent. I had to go see a judge. Got sentenced to go to rehab for, like, a month and then do, like, a year of outpatient. And, like, the psych ward was miserable at first, but then, like, once I accepted that I was gonna be there, like, I actually ended up having fun with it because, like, when you're not actually crazy, but you're surrounded by crazy people, you can have a lot of fun. Honestly, like, the entire time that I was there, I was trying to get people to bring me drugs in the hospital. Like, I was, like, trying to, like, pay my dealer. Like, I even had, like, I manipulated, like, the people. People that work there, like, go into my wallet, pull out the 70 bucks that I had in my wallet, and put it, like, to the side on hold for me so that way I could give it to a visitor when they came. And, like, I told him, like, my roommates, like, dad was gonna come, and, like, I owed him rent money. And, like, the roommate was, like, out of the country because, like, the dude that I was subleasing from was, like, in Argentina for the semester. And so I told them that, like, his dad was coming to, like, collect, like, the money. Like, that I was just gonna give him the 70 bucks that I had. And then, like, once I got out of everything, like, getting the rest of the money. And so, like, they pulled my money out and, like, set it aside for me. And, like, if my dealer had actually come, then, like, I would have been able to, like, have them hand him the money. But, like, he ended up, like, refusing to come. And, like, I tried getting, like, other People, like, come and, like, they wouldn't. And I tried having people in the hospital get people to come and bring me stuff, and, like, that never worked out. There's a guy that I'd been in there with for, like, the first week. He was a heroin addict who really wanted to go to rehab, but they, like, would not send him there. And, like, he didn't have the means to go, like, by himself. And so we had spent a lot of time talking about, like, how I didn't want to go to rehab, but I was being forced to go. But he wanted to go. Like, he should just, like, be able to take my spot, like, all this stuff. And so he ended up, like, telling me the day before they released him, like, he was gonna go out, go straight to his dealer's house, pick up, come back to the hospital, like, shoot up in front of the hospital and purposely overdose. That way they find him, revive him, put him back into the psych ward. So that way, then they'd be like, okay, he needs to go to rehab. And he was gonna try to sneak me in some, too, and because I was desperate for some at that point, and he ended up, like, I never heard from him again. And then the night before I left, like, one of the nurses was talking to me, and she was like, you're a bright young man. Like, don't go back to that stuff. Like, it will kill you. Like, we already had somebody who was here last week that died from it. And I was like, somebody, like, from here? And she was like, yeah. I was like, was it Brent? And she was like, yeah. Like, how do you know that? You're not supposed to know that. And I was like, was it here at the hospital? And she was like, how do you know that? And I, like, ended up telling her, like, he had told me all that stuff. Like, he had the plan to do that. And so then she ended up, like, telling me that, yeah, he'd, like, come back to the hospital, like, that same day that he got released. And, like, I think it was like, he shot up in front of, like, the doors or, like, the ER or something like that. And, like, nobody found him in time. And, like, they found him with, like, the needle still on his arm, dead when it was coming up, time for me to, like. Or. So when I first got there, like, I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do afterwards because I hadn't been told yet. Like, I'd be able to go back to Greenville Transitions. Like, the guys had come and, like, visited me in the psych ward and, like, everything. And, like, every time I talked to him about possibly, like, going back to the house, like, they just like, oh, like, I don't know. Like, it might not be the best for you.

There's, like, the. About it.

Yeah. And, like, after being in, like, the halfway house system down in Florida and then, like, being there, like, I was like, okay, like, I need to go back there. Like, if I don't go back there, like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. So I really wanted to go back there and, like, would talk to David and stuff and, like, try to, like, convince him. And then, like, finally, like, I don't know if y' all had something to do with it or it's my parents or what, but, like, they finally told me, like, they'd be and, like, have me come back. And so then, like, David and Caleb came and, like, visited me one day, which was really funny because David didn't tell Caleb that they had to sit through, like, an hour long class beforehand.

Oh, they did?

Yes. Like, in order to come visit somebody there, you have to take, like, an hour class beforehand of, like, I was, like, the family.

Cool.

Yeah. Okay. And so Caleb got sucked into that, and David didn't tell him until they were already in Colombia and getting lunch. And then he was like, oh, yeah, we have to take an hour class beforehand, by the way. Yeah. But so, like, that was. It was nice to, like, have that support throughout. But, like, I didn't know if, like, I was gonna be able to go back to the house until, like, a little over halfway through, like, my stint in rehab. And then I did something like I never thought that I would do. And that was I volunteered, like, to stay an extra week in rehab. What?

I didn't know this story.

So, like, I got sentenced to 28 days.

Okay.

And then I ended up. Well, I did. The judge told me, you have to go to rehab. And, yeah, like, it was closing in on my last week, and, like, I ended up, like, talking to my counselor and stuff and, like, decided that I was gonna stay for an extra week. So, like, I got an extension to be able to stay for a week.

What was the motivation?

So, like, part of it was that, like.

You were hoping for gt, weren't you?

No. So I already knew at that point, like, I was gonna go into greenwood transitions, and, like, they had already set up, like, the day that I was gonna be coming in and everything. But then I just, like, pushed it back a week. But the motivation behind that was like, first of all, I was enjoying rehab because, like, rehab's fun. You're surrounded by people that, like, understand you, that, like, have, like, crazy stories. Like, I mean, we were playing, like, Jenga every night, and, like, I learned how to play chess and, like, just stuff that, like, you would never expect to have fun doing, really. Or at least I never would. But, like, we would have, like, Jenga tournaments.

Like, well, your brain starts to heal, too, and you can. And you can enjoy those things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so, like, I mean, I was just, like, having a lot of fun and had gotten close to some of the guys, and, like, the group of guys that I got really close with, like, were serious about it. They were all staying at least, like, close to a week to, like, after, like, I was supposed to leave. So I was like, this will give me, like, a little bit of extra time with those guys, but also, like, in an environment where, like, people are, like, taking it seriously, you. But another thing was, is since I left four circles early, part of me was like, if I stay an extra week, then that kind of makes up for me leaving that one early.

Because you can improve yourself a little.

Yeah, because, like, it was like. It's like, the same thing with Clemson. Like, I dropped out of Clemson. Like, I want to go back because, like, I feel like I failed that. So, like, me going back and finishing out of Clemson is, like, my way of, like, making up for that, like, finishing it out and stuff. So, like, in my eyes, like, I kind of failed, like, the whole rehab thing through four circles. So it was like, staying this extra week here can kind of, like, make up for that, like, in my eyes. And then also, like, while I really wanted to go back to the house, like, part of me, like, wasn't looking forward to, like, getting back into, like, where it was, like, going to be super structured. Like, I couldn't do anything for the first 45 days except for, like, ride around with everybody. And so. And, like, I was also, like, a little nervous to, like, go back into the house after, like, the last time I was there. Like, I got, like, basically, like, I chose to leave that didn't get kicked.

Out, but I didn't know what the atmosphere, like, this water temperature.

Yeah. So, like, I was. I was, like, really nervous about, like, how I was gonna be, like, accepted back into the house and, like, what the guys were gonna think and how they were gonna, like, treat me, like, coming back after all that stuff, which was kind of stupid because, like, they all came and visited me in the psych. Ward. So, like, I knew that, like, we were all fine, right? But I guess just, like, that little fear was, like, still in my head. And so, like, all that kind of played into the role of me just, like, deciding that, like, I was gonna do an extra week there. And so, yeah, so I stayed for five weeks, got out of rehab, went back to the house, and in the house, like, within the first two weeks, you're supposed to have a sponsor and, like, a home group and all that stuff. And, like, I already knew that I wanted my home group to be the same one that I had the first time from knowing people from the rooms. The first time, like, I knew who I wanted to be my sponsor. So, like, the very first night we went to a meeting, and, like, I saw the guy there. Like, I asked him to be my sponsor.

So you, like, hit the ground running?

Yes, like, right away, like, got a sponsor, got a home group, picked up service commitments, like, did what, like, I had, like, knew I needed to do. And I got started working on the steps pretty quickly. As soon as I got into the house and did it was, like, doing good. Then, like, a couple months in, like, when I got to, like, step four, which is, like, the last time, like, I made it through, like, step four, and, like, it took me, like, four months to do step four. And then, like, I got into, like, step five, and, like, didn't finish step five before, like, I relapsed. And so, like, this time, like, I went into it, I was like, I'm just gonna, like, knock out step four. And then, like, that did not happen at all. Like, I got into it and kind of just, like, got stuck again. And so, like, it ended up taking me, like, two and a half, three months to, like, do step four. And so as I was going through that, like, that's when I got to a point where I felt like I was kind of stuck a little bit because I had been in the house for, like, three months at that point, like, things had been going well. Like, I had started working, but, like, because of, like, everything that happened last time, they were, like, holding my car back a little bit longer than what they normally would have you.

They definitely. You had to work harder than most original prove yourself. Like, no one trusted you.

Oh, not at all.

Like, no one believed a word you said. Like, the sketch, I was on you, like, 10 times more than it's, like, was on anyone else.

Oh, yeah. And, like, like, it was to the.

Point I felt bad for you.

Yeah, it was bad because, like, I mean, there were like, so many things were, like, I would, like, do something that, like, wasn't even that big of a deal. And, like, all of a sudden, it was like, Like, I was being called out for every little thing that I did. And it was because, like, yeah, they were just, like, watching me like a hawk because they had already seen there.

Here your group members, like, your parents, everyone.

Yeah. So it was definitely, like, tough going through that, like, phase. And when, like, I wasn't getting, like, the car back when, like, I thought that I would. And then it kept getting pushed back and back and back. And, like, during that time, like, I was definitely getting frustrated with that. I was getting frustrated with, like, not being able to, like, or with, like, me not, like, sitting down, like, finishing out set four, like, be able to move on. And then it turned into, like, oh, like, you can't get your car back until, like, you get to, like, this step. And it was like, no, like, you can't get it back until you finish the steps. And, like, it just kept getting pushed back and back.

And they never wanted to give you that car.

Yeah. Yeah. And, like, it just.

I don't know.

Yeah, it was. It was really rough. Cause, like, my time in the house the first time kind of just, like, seemed like it blended in with the time that time. So it felt like at that point, while I'd only been in the house for, like, four months or something. I mean, I didn't end up getting my car back until, like, five months into the house.

Well, plus, you've been in rehab for a long time because you were in Florida and then you were in Japan. You're out five minutes before you got sent back. I mean, you have been in rehab for, like, the better part of a year, at least.

Yeah. I mean, at that point, I'd been in rehab or some sort of, like, sober living program for, like, 16, 17 months. And, like, it just seemed like I hadn't had freedom in so long. And, like, here I was, like, in my eyes, like, doing what I needed to do, do to, like, earn that. But yet, like, I wasn't, like, trusted enough to, like, get back those privileges and get back that freedom. And so, like, it kind of. It definitely, like, did a number to, like, my mentality with it all. But, like, it's like, that was when, like, I was, like, getting really pissed off at the house and, like, calling my parents, like, once a week and be like, this place, like, I want to leave. Like, this is stupid. Like, they don't trust me. Like, all this stuff and it was like I would go and, like, visit my parents or something and, like, come back. And, like, the first thing, like, the guys at the house would ask me is, like, what did you try to manipulate your parents into this time? It's like, I just had dinner with my parents, and, like, we had a good time, but, like, they were just, like, so used to, like, the stuff that I was doing the first time around that it just, like, just I was getting bombarded all. All the time.

Well, plus two, like, the more frustrated you got, the more your attitude changed, the more it put their radar up. And so it really just kind of got, like, to a stimulate almost.

Yeah. And then, like, they finally told me, like, okay, look, if you, like, finish the steps, we will give you your car back. And, like, you can, like, kind of move on. And so then, which. That was a lot thanks to you, so thank you for that. But, like, at that point, then I just kind of, like, busted out the rest of it. And ever since, like, I really, like, got the car back and, like, got that freedom back, like, it just seemed like everything, like, smoothed, smoothed out. And it's just been, like, a really easy road since then. And, I mean, there's definitely been, like, some things that have, like, gone on since then, but just, like, overall, like, my sense of, like, peace since, like, that and, like, getting that freedom back, like, I felt like I deserved and, like, I'd, like, been longing for for so long, definitely, like, made things a whole lot easier on me. And so, like, I ended up getting the car back, like, the very end of September. And at that point, like, was able to go out and, like, do stuff with friends and, like, actually get, like, a social life back, which was something, like, I had missed out on.

Well, I remember for a while, too, they gave me a hard time because, like, you wanted to hang out with people you worked with. They didn't like that. Like, they watched me.

Yes. Like, I wanted to hang out with my friends from work, and they were like, no, you need to be hanging out with people that, like, are in recovery. And, like, it took a while of me, like, telling them, like, like, look, like, everybody at work knows my story. Like, they know what I've been through. Like, they are supportive of me. Like, they'll talk about, like, going out to eat or something after work. And, like, I'll say something like that I want to go. And, like, somebody will be like, yeah, but he's not drinking. And, like, in front of everybody, just so, like, everybody knows, like, right off the bat, like, If I try to drink, like, kill me. And so, like, it definitely helped having, like, that group of people from work that, like, I was close with that also, like, kind of understood because in the past, like, I had not, like, when I'd, like, been trying to get clean in the past, like, I was still working at Cutco where, like, everybody knew me from my past, like, where I was, like, doing drugs and, like.

Like, you had a reputation.

Yeah. And so it was completely different, like, going into, like, the new environment of.

Like, they knew you from the get go as recovery dude.

Yeah.

Like, they knew it. Yeah.

And so, like, that made, like, a big difference in things. And, like, I was just able to actually, like, for the first time, like, make, like, real friendships. And so, like, I started being able to go to, like, Clemson football games, which, like, I loved, and would go to those with either, like, my sponsor, like, Joey, or, like, one of the guys that ran that house. And, like, that was something, like, I'd love to be able to do. And, like, could go and do that and, like, not be triggered at all. And, like, in November, I was planning on going to my, like, first Clemson game without, like, anybody in recovery with me. And so that was on a Saturday. And that Wednesday, I found out that, like, one of my good buddies from Cutco had died in a car wreck. And, like, he was somebody like, I'd worked pretty closely with for, like, two years. And, like I said, like, death had always been, like, a big thing for me. Like, a big trigger indicator of relapse and everything. It's, like, right away, like, I told the guys in the house, like, look, this happened, like, if y' all see anything, like, let me know, because, like, I don't want this to, like, turn into, like, what happened last time. And so, like, they were, like, really pleased. Like, I at least, like, reached out to them, like, right away and was like, look, like, I'm aware that this is, like, what's taking me out in the past. Like, I'm aware that, like, I'm feeling some type of way right now. Like, so if y' all see, like, any changes in me, like, let me know. And so, like, I was planning on going to the football game that weekend and, like, that Friday, like, I was just feeling, like. I don't know, like, I just felt so weird. And I was at work and, like, was having, like, a panic attack and, like, was kind of, like, debating whether or not, like, I should go to the game or not. And, like, it just was, like, eating me alive on the inside. And, like, my, like, boss could tell that something was wrong, so she came up and, like, started asking me about it, and, like, I just, like, broke down. And she was like, okay, like, go sit in the back for a little bit.

Like, we don't need your boss.

Yeah. She's like, we don't need you out on the floor, like, when you're like this. And, like, I ended up calling my buddy that I was going to the game with, and just like, dude, like, I told you, like, my buddy had died. Like, I don't know, like, what's going on, but, like, it is, like, eating me alive right now. And, like, I just do not feel like I can go to this football game this weekend and stays over. And, like, I was expecting him to be like, oh, dude, like, you can do it. Like, come on. But he was just like, dude, like, I completely understand that. Like, no big deal. Like, we don't have to go. And I was like, no, like, you can still go. Like, I'm still giving you the tickets. I'm not letting this, like, keep you from going. But, like, as soon as I told him that, like, I wasn't going to the game, like, it just felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and, like, I was fine. And so, like, that was, like, a really big moment for me as well.

Just because, like, that was some serious willingness.

Yeah, because, like, I could tell that, like, things weren't right, like, within me. I knew that would not be a good situation to go into, especially being my first one without, like, a recovery coach or somebody with me. And so, yeah, and so I ended up sitting that one out. But, like, that night we were, like, closing up the store, and, like, I get a call from my buddy, and he was like, hey, like, I'm out front. Like, whenever you get off, like, come out here and, like, the dude came by and, like, checked on me because, like, he could hear over the phone that, like, my voice was shaking it, like, I wasn't doing well. And, like, I just, like, was, like, shocked because, like, never in the past, like, did I actually have, like, friends that actually, like, cared enough to ever, like, do something like that. And so, like, he was, like, going to, like, a concert that night or something. Like, stopped by the mall beforehand to, like, just make sure that, like, I was okay.

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